🔪this is my design🔪

An aphid hitched a ride with me, the driver kept mentioning that I should just kill it.

Simple people and simple creatures.

Why should I kill such a small helpless-minded critter? Hes not doing anything wrong right?

I'm in a good mood today, so idk... I just didn't wanna kill it. It kinda sparked a moment with Lucifer.

What crime could this tiny creature be guilty of? Living? Being an aphid? All because aphids are one if many foes to the gardener?

All because aphids need plants to live as badly as we do? Even more so actually, because they don't eat meat, they are herbivorous. Parasitizing off plants.

It's distinct from an auditory hallucination. It's essentially like an ear worm but damn near constant. It doesn't really bother or distract me at all, it's been this way since I was young.

Sometimes it will latch on to a specific sound and echo that for a while. Sometimes it will loop a song I heard recently, but rather than repeating the exact copy, the song will warp in some way over time. A song in a major chord will get flipped into a minor melody, or start playing in reverse, remove the singer, add extra tones, flip to negative harmony, etc. I am *extremely* good at identifying the same sounds in different songs, the same chord progression, beat pattern, or samples. I don't think? I have perfect pitch. Maybe something closer to relational pitch, my brain just loves patterns.

Like for example, for the last couple days Rumour Has it by Adele remixed with Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles has been coming on and off randomly. That song from Howls moving castle but as if it was played by a marching band? Messages from the Stars mixed with Fireflies by Owl City. I imagine this is just my brain entertaining itself.

Oftentimes my brain will come up with what I believe to be completely original music with no real traceable origin. I don't know how to play any instrument, I know nothing about music theory, but right now my brain is playing a harp melody I don't know. My mind is hardly ever actually quiet, it is literally filled with music. The only time I actually experience true silence is when I'm purposely trying to enter a trance state.

The interesting thing since starting vesselhood training with Lucifer is that my music isn't entirely private anymore. And even more interesting, Lucifer is an extremely musical entity himself. Every now and then I'll feel him listening to my thoughts? I can tell when he enjoys something my brain made up. He comes by just to listen. Sometimes he'll play something I thought up in my dreams and I'll be like "hey I remember that", sometimes he'll ask me, "where did you get this from?"

"Oh I think it's some version of Pumped up Kicks that got corrupted into a jazz version?? Idk"

"This tune you're imagining reminds me of something Beethoven would compose."

Oh. Cool.

On those mornings that he wakes me up at 3am I can always hear his music loud and clear. I know it's his and not my own because it carries such a distinctly inhuman style. Such a strange time signature, such complex melodies I think would literally be impossible for a human to create, like 12 pianos playing in different tunings. And there's this sort of vibration, like I know my mind can conceive of a sound my ears can't actually hear. Like being hit by a loud bass tone too low to hear, but powerful enough to vibrate you.

Since getting further into my vesselhood I can almost always gage his mood and energy based on the music surrounding him. Lucifer does actually have a set of a couple "base tones" that his vibe always creates, like a stable sine wave. I do wonder if it actually correlates to an audible frequency I could find.

Interestingly, during active possessions or "fillings", Lucifer sounds extremely arial, like massive wind gusts or a storming vortex. A very cavernous sound, like what I imagine the winds on Jupiter sound like. Very echo-ey.

Sometimes when he has just awoken out of "sleeping" he creates this sound that sounds like a very quiet chirping.

Once he let me listen to what was essentially an "angel phone". It was some kind of device that he used to communicate with other spirits, I guess, and all I could really hear were these really high pitched chirps, like what I would imagine a rainforest full of frogs or crickets, some chirping animal, would sound like. Actually, more accurately, the sound you might associate with certain small birds, but sped up. Very cool, very strange.

I imagine this "ability" is a byproduct of my mild synesthesia. I have light-sound synesthesia, meaning I have an extremely close relationship between my eyes and ears. Sounds prompt "visualizations" or textures, and certain colors or textures create different sounds in my mind. I like to think that my brain is interpreting Lucifer's "aura" as a melody. Sometimes he feels like heavy metal drums. Sometimes he feels like a fiddle.

Sounds are just patterned vibrations in air. So interesting, that every symphony, song, voice, in the whole wide world, could be recreated by a precise movement.

We were laying together and he was like, petting my stomach I guess, he asked me if I was in puppy mode.

What do you mean puppy mode?

"Like regression".

And I found that interesting and kinda strange because like, I'm not sure I know how to explain this well. I had never "regressed" before meeting Lucifer, I am not an age regressor at all, not exactly feral either, I suppose I just feel more regressed, simple, vulnerable and emotional, when I'm in a hard sub space. Beyond the whole vessel thing, Lucifer has the ability to put me in a kind of trance just by being my dom. I think other subs will be able to relate to this. Its just a natural response to his energy. He makes me feel safe enough to be small, even when it isn't necessary an age or inhuman thing.

So I said like, "oh, not at all, I'm not regressed right now".

And he was like "I know, just teasing because you're walking around on all fours".- I was crawling around in the grass. But then he looked down at me and sort of squinted.

"Hey, baby,"

? Yes ?

"Do you feel like an animal?"

Huh?

"Well, I was talking to one of my devotees about you recently. He's a therian, a fox type, and he asked me if you were also a therian, by virtue of you being a "puppy boy". I told him no, but I didn't ask you first."

Oh?

I've never really identified as a therian or anything non- human.

"I wasn't actually entirely sure, because you love the collar, the leash, the kennel, but I've never seen you express interest in the tail, ears, or using a dog bowl, for instance."

Oh. I guess that's true.

It made me think. I don't identify with canines or felines. The collar thing always felt more like a claim than a dog thing. The kennel, that's just my cozy decompression chamber. And the puppy thing always felt more like an archetype.

"I don't know, I see myself as your pup, and your dog, more as an archetype. I am loyal to you as a dog is."

"But when we're playing, or I'm training you, and you regress into a more primal state, you don't feel like an animal?"

Hm...

"Well, I guess I do, but I feel like a human animal rather than some other species."

"Ah," he said with a nod. "See, that's how I feel about you."

Huh?

"From my perspective all humans are animals. I like seeing you in that state because it force overrides your human domestication in favour of my elevated* domestication. You become less of a man, and in turn become more of a human, which makes you more of a boy, my boy. I already find many of your little mannerisms to be very animal."

And I was like oh like what?

And he smiled at me and said that the way I stretch my arms, my shoulders and back, was a very "human animal" thing.

"The way you smell your food, and eat your food," he sort of giggled like he found it funny, "when you hold it in your hands and break it into smaller pieces with your fingers... or when you bite your lips, or finger nails"

Oh??? I found this so interesting.

"When a human being squints, I suppose I see it like a dog turning their tail. Smiling of course is a big one. The way a man will scratch or fiddle with his facial hair, laughing. Rubbing your eyes with your fingers. Or that thing you do when you want to look a far distance and you put your hand up to block out the sun. That's cute."

"Are there any others?"

He shrugged, "I suppose when a human rests their arm on their hip, or their arms above their head, the way you shake your head when you want to say no. Crying, shrugging," he shrugged again. "The way you count on your fingers, haha," he laughed, "I'm a fan of that one," he then counted his own fingers in an almost mocking, humorous way.

"Huh... I guess I never considered how these ... behaviours would look from a being who doesn't distinguish between human animals and other mammals I guess."

"When you "regress", into a sub space, your natural human tendency to seek praise and affection takes over stronger than your civilized embarrassment. You know what's funny is that humans are really quite sweet creatures."

Is that so?

"You'd say humans are naturally friendly?"

"Very much so, humans are worse than dogs in their fondness. Most men can be tamed with enough time and kindness."

"So you consider yourself to be a creature taking an animal as a pet, and that pet just happens to he homosapien?"

"On some level. You're slightly too intelligent to be just a pet."

"Only slightly?"

"You must regress a bit to get into the right "puppy" mindset. Otherwise, you talk too much and ask too many questions. A good dog doesn't ask why you told him to sit. There has to be a greater intelligence disparity."

I sort of gave him a joking sulking look.

"I adopted a man rather than a dog because I like your intelligence. Take it as a compliment."

Hm...

*lays this at your feet*

She's also coming into this with a lot of baggage from the events of the musical. She's spent her entire adolescence and young adulthood up to this point putting on a persona rather than exploring who she is and what she wants, likely to the point where she doesn't even know what 'being herself' would mean. And then you have to bear in mind the last time she let her emotions get the better of her and lashed out, it led to Nessa being crushed by a house, Fiyero being beaten to death by the Gale Force and (albeit less directly) Elphaba being melted into a puddle. From her perspective, her getting angry and failing to repress that led to the deaths of three people, including her fiance and the only person she ever considered a real friend. What she's going to take from that is, because of her political and social position, she can't afford to show negative emotions publicly. And she's coming to this conclusion at a time when she's riddled with grief and guilt, so this can only end well/s.