Scrèm brûlée

one month away from this ask being a year old and i Finally got around to it..... but rest assured i have appreciated your kind words since you sent it in <33

Megatron: Halcyon, what is your current opinion on the intergalactic political climate?

Halcyon, who is barely walking and talking: *incoherent beeping and static that vaguely resembles words*

Megatron, who is also preparing her baby grade energon: I understand how you could take that stance. However, I feel it may be a strong one that could impede on further diplomatic efforts among planets we have weaker bonds with.

AHEM *coughs and tugs at collar* 

Optimus was torn. It was–well, it was something closer to a public display of affection than he’d ever really become accustomed to. Still a few steps down from the graceless (and frankly, weirdly performative) makeouts he’d seen Sentinel initiate (gleefully, in as public a space as possibly), but still, he shouldn’t encourage this. Even if they weren’t on duty. People might see.

What the frag right do they have to care? demanded part of his processor. It sounded suspiciously like Megatron. 

And Megatron was right there, his warm frame leaned slightly against Optimus’ own, and Optimus shivered under the intense regard radiating from him. Fond. Perhaps even a little predatory. It was thrilling, to have the other mech’s full attention like this. You know. When they weren’t trying to slag each other. 

Maybe even a little when they’d been trying to slag each other. There was a reason Megatron never remembering his name bugged Optimus more than he’d cared to admit. And well. The reason he’d been so willing to volunteer to fight Megatron on Earth hadn’t all been heroics.

And currently? He was the subject of Megatron’s focus, and the pressure on the audial fin was really, really nice. Maybe a little too nice for public. 

Part of Optimus kind of wanted to be seen. Part of him didn’t care. Together, they outweighed the part of his processor fretting about propriety. He was considering leaning up and initiating one of those graceless makeouts when Megatron leaned down and murmured, “You know, my dear, the supply closet is vacant,” and Optimus almost choked on his oil. 

He wasn’t sure if it had been Megatron’s suggestion that had done it, or the fact that he was very very into that idea, yes please. 

~~~

Strika had been one of Lord Megatron’s lieutenants for several million years.

Strika had been under the impression she’d seen all of the possible slag Lord Megatron could pull, and then some.

As she looked at the ruins of the supply closet, she reminded herself that becoming complacent was a serious tactical mistake.

It seemed that Megatron had–what was the term the mecha who’d been on Earth used? Ah. Yes.–Megatron had rediscovered what it was like to be a “horny teenager”. 

Ugh. 

She was not cleaning this up. As happy as she was to see Lord Megatron cheer up, that was better left to one of the synchophants. Like Tarn. It was even odds whether it would send him into raptures or outraged insult and either way she didn’t care.

She chuckled a little to herself as she walked away. It really was about time Megatron found something that made him happy. 

That that something was an Autobot? Really a minor detail. The young Prime had proven himself worthy by defeating Megatron, however temporarily. There were few enough mecha who could keep up with Megatron in the first place. That this one was also interested in him? Excellent.

Of course, if he broke Megatron’s spark, she’d have to kill him, but given that was the third supply closet they’d done in this week, she wasn’t terribly worried.

~~~

Ratchet wasn’t going to claim he was a pinnacle of responsibility, but when the two local love- (or lust-) struck idiots decided to frag on the outside of the (moving) spaceship, he had to take matters into his own servos. 

He was pretty sure neither of them listened to him, but to be fair, his preprepared lecture hadn’t survived the revelation it had been Optimus’ idea.

“Well,” he said to Strika, “at least we’re not like humans.”

“Oh?” said Strika.

“Sexually reproducing. We’d be neck-deep in protoforms by now.”

“What is ‘sexually reproducing’?”

Ratchet explained, and considered the horrorstruck expression of one of the most feared Decepticon Generals as a good consolation prize. 

~~~

“Now, see here, Optimus, I hear you’ve been fragging Megatron.” 

A few months ago, Optimus would have internally panicked and frozen at Sentinel’s accusatory tone. Now, he just gave the other Prime a bored look. “So?”

“All over the place.”

Optimus didn’t dignify that with a response. He took another sip of oil.

“The leader of the Decepticons.” For a moment, Optimus wondered if that was accusation or jealousy he was hearing. 

“We are at peace,” he stated. Megatron had emerged from the meeting room, finally finished after a day of treaty negotiations with Ultra Magnus. For a big mech, he could move surprisingly silently. Sentinel didn’t have a clue.

 “What were you thinking? I mean, it’s not like you think a lot but that’s abnormally stupid, even for you, Optimus. Like… like how does that even work?”

“Spectacularly,” said Megatron from just behind Sentinel. Sentinel froze. 

Megatron stepped around him and to Optimus, scooped Optimus up bodily, and kissed him. For a moment, Optimus considered a human gesture involving an extended middle digit, but decided against it. As tired as he was with Sentinel’s insults, and as suspicious as he was that Sentinel was, in fact envious (his ugliest mood–he couldn’t stand anyone, particularly Optimus, having the spotlight), and as much of a bad influence as Megatron was, he wasn’t quite that petty.

@flippythegodzilla​ mentioned this AU again and I couldn’t stop thinking so here’s part 2 (now with a little Blitzbee and shockblurr added in)

So Megatron and Decepticons breakout and war is back in full swing only Megatrons focus is just entirely on Optimus, fuck the Magnus, fuck the council I am only interested in anything that concerns that Optimus Prime, I literally could not care less about anything else.

Blackarachnia ends up finding out what’s going on and is like ‘…holy shit what Optimus told Sentinel off???’ and then sees Megatron pining over her EX best friend and is like ‘oh this is hilarious’ that slowly morphs to ‘actually…they’d be fucking cute’ and gets in good with Megatron by totally wingmanning him

Megatron: Why should I forgive you traitor?

Blackarachnia: Just so you know optimus is a huge nerd and loves these books and periods of history in particular

Megatron:…hello new second in command

Shockwave who’s stuck running the running the Decepticons day to day goings on while Megatron is doing the most elaborate courting in all of history and is just stuck with running an army and his subordinates keep running off to fuck with autobots or help Megatron in his ridiculous plans. and just Shockwave missing Blurr who actually listened to him and was you know not completely insane.

Shockwave *surrounded by Megatrons elaborate courting plans and Lugnut screaming*..i’ve made a mistake.

(he may or may not find a way to bring Blurr back)

Also Blitzwing just wants to see the tiny Autobot go off again ‘so he can record it because it was fucking hilarious’ Bumblebee catches him and when Blitzwing tells him why he’s following Optimus Bumblebee is just like ‘…I’m sorry…WHAT? BOSSBOT TOLD HIM OFF…AND I MISSED IT??? GIVE ME THAT FUCKING CAMERA WE’RE GETTING THIS ON VIDEO’

Hijinks ensuing and these 2 being the worst spies, Blitzwing watching Bumblebee doing something chaotic or making a dumb joke and just being like ‘…well now I can’t not marry him’

The 2 of them also joining forces with Sari and Bulkhead.

Megatron getting really annoyed but only because ‘EVERYONE ELSE IS GETTING TO SPEND TIME WITH THEIR AUTOBOT BUT NOT ME’

Optimus is just confused because he can’t quite believe Megatron would be interested in him…in the last fight he certainly wasn’t ‘though he did remember his name and Optimus is still very happy….probably happier than he should be over that’ but he doesn’t know what could have changed in that time…he doesn’t realise that verbally annihilating someone with expert precision was the final key to getting Megatron to fall head over heels for him.

bruh

I’m 5’4” and 115 pounds. I have the body type of Sméagol and the joint integrity of Gumby. What could possibly be “fair” about insisting upon single combat when you have an innate physical advantage?

So for those unfamiliar with the Transformers at Universal Studios hollywood, Optimus is known for his humorous anecdotes and pep talks (apparently he finds fanny packs mysterious), Bee is the funny/cute kid magnet but Megatron? Megatron will roast your ass as soon as you are next in line. I watched him destroy 6 people before me, calling them ‘domesticated pets’, ‘useless fleshbags’ etc etc the list goes on.

Until yours truly enters, before he can even begin I greet him shouting ‘ALL HAIL THE GREATEST GLADIATOR OF KAON!’ and you can hear the scratch record sound follow. The bond is instant, the video is only a bit of the whole thing but oh was it ever fun! Even the N.E.S.T. team is impressed (you can see the guys jaw drop at the end).

After I exited I went to grab my photo, the attendant stares at me, I giggle and say ‘what?’, she just stammers ‘he liked you’, I chuckle politely. She continues ‘NO you do not understand, I’ve worked here for years, you are the ONLY person he has ever said anything nice about.’

…is how it pins all the blame on Optimus Prime for the Archa 7 Event! 💔🕷🕸 

For those that need a quick reminder on what the Archa 7 Event is:

*Sentinel had an idea to go to a forbidden planet that has a Decepticon Warship full of energon and wants to bring Elita and Optimus with him on this mission. 

*Elita agreed cause she was curious about the warship’s history and how it works. 

*Optimus was reluctant, but gave into peer pressure and also because he wanted to protect his ‘friends’. 

*Giant hostile alien spiders attacked them underground. 

*Optimus got lost, but found the energon. 

*Elita found Optimus. 

*Optimus told Elita to help him use the explosive energon as a weapon against the spiders. 

*It works, but all the underground caverns were starting to explode. 

*Optimus and Elita tried to escape, but Elita’s download of Optimus’ grappling ability expired and she fell. 

*Optimus tried to use his other grappling hook to reach her, but he failed. 

*Sentinel runs in in time to see Elita fall and he tries to save her, but Optimus stops Sentinel and forces them both to leave the caverns before the final explosion consumes them both.

*Elita watches this while fighting the spiders. 

*Elita downloads the spiders’ organic venom (despite Optimus’ warning) and becomes the techno-organic, Blackarachnia. 

*Optimus and Sentinel couldn’t find her on the spark radar, cause of her recently created organic half. 

*Sentinel blames everything on Optimus, like a jerk. 

*Blackarachnia blames Optimus and Sentinel, ignoring her own part in her organic spider corruption. 

*And even Optimus blames everything on Optimus. 

*Optimus says that he was the leader of the mission during his and Sentinel’s trial and takes full responsibility for what happened. 

*Ultra Magnus expels Optimus from the academy. (Although, Ultra Magnus should’ve been smart enough to figure out that it wasn’t ‘goody-two-shows’ Optimus’ idea at all and he’s clearly covering for Sentinel…)

*Optimus meets the other main characters and then later the story of TFA happens…