Hanging out I guess

The goal of this account is to spread seizure awareness, education, ableism/discrimination of them.

Like I said, the museum was a pretty snotty institution. It’s got a LOT of objects it’s way famous for possessing, but nobody knew about the absolutely massive collection of Moche erotic pottery it had because the curators were totally embarrassed by this stuff.

Some examples:

Pretty hot shit, right? They never, ever put any of this stuff on public view or published it in any catalogues but - we legit had like several hundred pieces of Moche ceramics in the “dirty pots” category. Anyway, I was left alone to just do my job with regard to the database for several years, ok? And I figured, well, these’re accessioned objects in the museum’s collection - better get down to bidness. 

I catalogued every goddamn bestiality, necrophiliac, cocksucking, buttfucking, detached penis, and giant vulva drinking cup in that collection. I’d be like, 

A drinking vessel in form of a standing man wearing a tunic and cap. He holds an oversized erection in his hands and stares into the distance (note I did not say “like he’s hella-constipated”). The vessel has a hole at both the tip of the penis as well as around the rim of the figure’s head, thus forcing the drinker to drink only from the penis or risk spilling wine all over themselves from the top of the vessel. Red and orange slip covers the surface of the piece.

Pretty straightforward, right? Apparently the deep seated fear of these objects that the curators exhibited was meant to spread to me as well, but - no one ever gave me that memo, because I guess Midwesterners reproduce asexually. When the curators understood that I had catalogued all of these objects in addition to the other, non-sexy pieces in the collection, they were apparently livid, but knew they had no legs to stand on in terms of getting pissed at me for it. 

I visited the museum’s online public access database a few years back and - every single description I wrote of these pieces has been totally neutered to say something like Male figural vase. 

There are 3 things your character needs to survive, no matter what the situation is: food, water and shelter. Well, and air, of course.

The Rule of 3 means that a human can only survive.

3 minutes without air. If your character can’t breathe, if they’re drowning for example, they can’t draw in the oxygen their blood needs, but most importantly, they can’t expel the carbon dioxide that is slowly poisoning them.

EDIT: Thanks to a reader @forcesunleashed, I learned that my information was incorrect, and for that, followers, I am so sorry. If a person is drowning, chances are they will be unconscious within a minute or less, which is not enough time for them to be poisoned by carbon dioxide. Death occurs from oxygen deprivation to the brain.

(if there are any other eagle eyed readers that spot something incorrect in my posts, please do not hesitate to call me out!)

3 hours without shelter. I know this may seem trivial compared to food and water, but in extreme conditions, like freezing in the Arctic or baking in the desert, it wouldn’t take much for the environment to kill your character. Finding shelter protects your character from the elements. I would even go as far as to include fire and clothing in this section. Anything your character can use to protect themselves from the brutality of nature is going to increase their chances of survival.

3 days without water. Dehydration is a nasty, painful way to die. Without water, their body slowly starts using what fluid they have in their urine, their blood, and their sweat to keep their motor running. Eventually, that fluid runs out, their organs fail and they die.

3 weeks without food. Everybody knows we need food to live. It provides your character with the energy they need to secure everything else on this list. Without food, your characters body will essentially start to cannibalize itself. It digests the nutrients from parts of their body to fuel the other parts. Your character can go longer without food than water, but without the energy to find water, your character is doomed either way.

like it could ask you the yes/no questions, then you enter the date and it calculates if it's one of these dates when it's sin. and it'd be a fun research thing, you know? to go look up what exactly the rules are around those dates. it could be like an apple II program, since it's very simple.

plus you could hook it in with the penances for those sins! so it can also be used for reference. if you accidentally fucked your wife on a feast day, how bad as sin is that? do you gotta only eat bread and water for three years, stay off the ale for 6, and leave the country?¹ or do you just gotta stay on bread & water for a 100 days²?

but then sometimes you gotta realize that you're seriously considering writing BASIC software for Early Middle Ages catholic priests? based on a type of document that went out of favor IN THE TWELFTH CENTURY AD?

yeah I am. I just really like programming and religious miscellanea. this is awesome.

Penitential of Finnian (pdf link), what you gotta do if you kill your friend not out of hatred but because the devil made you do it.

Those are first offenses, of course. there's like, a scale you go up if you repeat it.

Also, everyone's favorite "used to be huge, now fallen out of the zeitgeist" type of sex makes an appearance: Intercrural sex! (aka thighjobs). Here called "femoral masturbation", a wild term I've not seen before today.

They're mentioned so they can be not as bad as sodomy. a thighjob with your bro is 100 days, then a year each time you do it again.

(the penance is singing, obviously)

"Likewise, he who commits this manly crime shall repent for four years"

I scrolled past "in femoribus" too fast and thought it said "in femboys". Gonna start telling people that's what femoribus means in latin; femboy. yeah, if you fucked a femboy in 7th century ireland, the penance was a year of bread and water.

someone on reddit explained 😭

From there it's not actually difficult to get the other soldiers onboard with covering up the fact that poor Ping took one for the team and got afflicted by the vagina curse, especially since it would have been all of them if they hadn't gotten the warning ahead of time. So they agree to help him cover it up, because obviously the army's not going to understand.

Mulan: Uh, what boobs? Huh? Where did these come from?

Mushu: *facepalms and thinks quickly* (speaks from the shadows) I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE LAKE! BEWARE MY CURSED WATERS FOR THEY WILL TURN MEN INTO WOMEN!

Mulan: Look-

Ling, Yao, and Chien Po: WE CAN EXPLAIN!!

[One convoluted, chaotic explanation later]

Shang: ...is this why you've all been insisting we don't camp anywhere that doesn't have a lake.

Shang: and then none of you actually swim in it.

Shang: and you all keep jumping at shadows.

Shang: wait a second Ping did this happen before or after you became insanely good at fighting?

Shang: did you get better at fighting after you became a woman.

Shang: are women better at fighting than us.

Mulan: ....uh. well. maybe? no one's ever tried to find out.

Yao: [thinking very fast] y'know Captain it's just so hard to find recruits these days.

Chien Po: Real shortage of men.

Ling: Lots of women, though.

Mulan: [catching on] Without marriage prospects.

Shang: You're right, men. The spirits must have done this in order to show us that we should be recruiting women as fighters.

Mushu [from the shadows, seeing an opportunity to do the funniest thing]: EXACTLY, LI SHANG. I HAVE TRANSFORMED PING INTO A WOMAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOO LONG OVERLOOKED THE TRUE WAY TO WIN THE WAR.

Mulan [seeing an opportunity to get all the stories straight]: O Great Spirit, is it reversible?

Mushu: WHY WOULD YOU WISH TO REJECT MY GIFT? I HAVE SEEN YOUR HEART, CHILD, AND HAVE ALREADY ALTERED THE MEMORIES OF EVERYONE WHO KNEW YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR THE ARMY. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THEIR DAUGHTER.

Li Shang: Welp, the spirits have spoken. Ping - wait is your name still Ping if you're a woman now?

Mulan: Uh. Actually, I was thinking of renaming myself. How do you feel about Mulan?

BONUS:

Mulan [climbing out of the eleventh lake the men have arranged for her to swim in]: Yeah no, it didn't work. Still got boobs. [tries to appear dejected].

Chien Po: If it makes you feel better, they're very nice boobs.