and when you save me, i’ll call out your name

thinking about how quietly heartbreaking it is that ilya is seen as this super good ally by every queer character in game changers when ilya so badly wants to be open and proud about his sexuality. no one reads him as gay or bi, and he can get away with a lot because of it, but that is also so lonely because he feels this distance between him and an openly gay character like harris who is so comfortable with his sexuality and is at the point where he doesn't need to hide it or shield himself from the world. whereas ilya needs to be read as straight for both his protection and to protect his relationship with shane. and there is something so heartbreaking when you are not out, but people just assume you're straight and use heteronormative language to describe you and a potential partner/your future, and you have to just sit there and bite your tongue. and it's not safe to be out and you know this realistically, but there is a part of you that so badly wants someone to look at you and see you for what you really are- especially around other queer people.

ideal supernatural scene is an otherwise deserted motel pool, brothers in t-shirts and boxers floating among pine needles and dead bugs and nursing lukewarm beers and sam says remember you always dunked me when we were kids that was so annoying and dean says not as annoying as the fake-drowning thing you would do after. you were such a fucking drama queen dude. and sam says oh you mean like this? :) and rolls over and sags like a corpse face-down in the water. and when he comes up for air dean flips the bird and laughs with him but right before that there was a moment of stillness where we as the audience watched dean watching sam play dead and we saw the look on his face and went oh okay so this character is extremely unwell.

Bye, I’m going to go have a screaming match with myself now.

Sorry I think the reason I’m so stuck on supernatural is because it understands American loneliness kind of more than any other show. Like who else’s pussy was big enough to put an angel next to a vending machine. That’s so powerful. How are you going to have a show about America and most of it takes place on highways and in offbrand motel rooms confronting monsters. Not to mention the uncanny valley of shooting in backwoods Canada and trying to pass it off as Route 66. It’s so perfect because it says America is a distant dream that we can’t reach and a land of ghosts and then it follows through. It says there’s always a war below the surface and we are all fighting constantly to keep it in check. Death drives a hotrod through Chicago. There’s two brothers and a demon in a diner and they’re getting milkshakes together. How can you show a man losing faith with an angel next to him. My brain feels so hot can someone please microwave me.

why is this one broken?

from a tumblr site perspective, because i did not add a title to it, so it didn’t fully register. from a supernatural perspective? because you can’t save him. because it’s always too late. because you always made that choice and said what you said and he never gets to hear anything different. because this is how the story ends. because this is how it started.