I am trans, I identify as trans masc specifically, although nobody irl actually knows that, not one person. I'm afraid to come out, which is probably normal, and I have gender dysphoria. I hate my chest, I don't care much about anything else, I don't feel masculine all the time and I don't force myself to be, that's where I'm stumped. If you met me In real life, and we talked, maybe you glanced at me and we're strangers, you'd never in a million years know that I'm trans, neither Genderfluid nor trans masc. I use she/her when referring to myself, other people use she/her, and those are the pronouns people know me by. I dress like a teenager trying to be edgy but not that into the fashion with my nirvana shirt and jeans. you can physically tell I'm a woman, I have long hair and pretty makeup and girly glasses (if that's a thing). I hate it. I want to chop my hair off and get contact lenses and wear baggy hoodies with even baggier jeans and be called someones boyfriend and sometimes partner. I want to feel like a boy when I wear girly things and still feel like kind of a girl too, but not in an actual girl way.
Out of all the wants, I can handle what I look like now, I'm scared to dress masc and be anything but fem, yet I try, I try to wear clothes that make me forget I have boobs and for a while I feel okay, I'm not a guy, I might be later on, but for now I'm still just figuring it out. I've started thinking about the name James. I like it a lot. I don't know that I would ever be called James, but that's the name that's just stuck, it's not a very gender non-conforming name in my eyes, I mean I've never heard of a woman with the name James but there could be some.
And I get really confused. I'm not all that sure what feeling like a girl is, or a boy, or anything, or anyone.
I constantly tell myself that I shouldn't present masc in public or people will think I'm a guy. Yes I know how that sounds, but I'm scared because people have only known me as a girl. I can't go out in public unless I have makeup on or slightly presentable clothing. Somtimes that makes up dysphoria in my eyes too. 'a real guy never thinks about what to wear this hard' or 'you want to be a guy right? Then why do you want to stay the same?' I'm not fully sure If I'm FULLY a trans man, but I'm not sure what makes a man a man or a woman a woman anymore.
And my extended family is very conservative, not really in favor of Trump conservatism but more so they go to church every Sunday and pray to God and there's no lgbtq people in my family that I know of. My aunt who is like my best friend, is not very understanding or fond of trans people and she's the one person that I constantly swear that I'll die before coming out to her, because my whole life has revolved around my feminine traits mostly. I constantly get told that I'm a gorgeous girl, and stuff like that, especially when it comes to girl things like 'girls days' or talking about stuff like that.
and I've realized how easily I can say stuff or fake how I react in situations to mask how I truly feel, its a gift and a curse.
at the end of the day my mind rewards itself by thinking 'At least no one knows I'm a freak.'
I know it's a stupid thought, because I'm not, I'm smart enough to know I'm just human, but I can't help but feel somewhat accomplished at the fact that no one sees me different.
How the people in my irl life would describe me is how I want to be perceived forever, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep this person that I like (aka the mask) when I do things like look farther and farther away from who I look like right now.
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