♃

since sensory memory can be a trigger with ptsd, i imagine not only does ilya’s depression worsen in the winter for typical winter in canada reasons, but also because some days there is a distinct chill in the air or the cold bitter air coats his lungs in a way that is so reminiscent of moscow which then reminds him of his family. he doesn’t even realize it’s a trigger, but all day he’s crabbier, more self critical, his head dully throbs and aches, and he feels a bit sick to his stomach. his body temperature is crazily irregular and he feels such a bone deep chill that his muscles tighten and ache as he is under a layer of blankets. if it weren’t for the fact that he is a professional hockey player, he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. there is a smell in the air or a distinct chill that for one moment reminds him so much of his father he sees a flash of his father’s face, unblinking and unfocused. how he often was in his final years. ilya brushes the thought away forcefully, thinks of something else to distract him. shane, probably, or the game his terrible team is surely going to lose which has started to make everyday feel the same amount of empty and meaningless. his heart is racing, and he feels suddenly much too warm on this -10°C day. all day he’s in a funk (but when is he not recently?) and he is not the most pleasant company to be around. at the end of the day, he comes home to an empty, silent house and he doesn’t feel quite like a person. it’s dark inside, but he doesn’t bother turning on any light. his muscles are overly tense again, his nerves feel pinched, he’s not even paying attention. he checks the temperature, feeling chills all over his body. it’s 20°C. he wraps himself in a blanket. his head pulses again, and he can’t stop feeling so cold.

the way that in a lot of fics where either shane or ilya is a hockey player while the other isn't/never made it, there is often this sense of loneliness and emptiness that looms over the narrative. because even though it was only supposed to be one of them at the top, there is no one else who can push the other person to be better, excite, and understand the other person on the ice like they do. so even if shane ended up being the #1 draft pick and is the king of hockey, or ilya has a dynasty in boston with like 5 cups, there is something that looms quietly over the fic.