The Savage Garden

A Haunting

Oh my GOODNESS, I hope we will get Nicolas in episode 7.

Well, we will definitely get Muse Nicolas - there is at least the flash of him as a mortal playing violin during Lestat's concert and he is there at the Dali-Daniel dinner table.

I feel... I mean, I feel incredibly lucky that Joe Potter is our Nicolas. He has used every second of time he had, and he clearly cared very deeply about honouring Nicolas. I feel very lucky as there isn't a single moment when I felt it wasn't the Nicolas I know I was watching.

Which sort of makes it worse. It's hard, because Nicolas has had such a small amount of screen time... but, you know what - I can cope with whatever screen time. And I can cope with whatever adaptation changes.

What I struggle with is... I feel like every one of Nicolas' scenes have been incredibly intense... yet they have also all avoided the climactic emotional moment.

For example:

We see Nicolas and Lestat meet, but just as the frisson of what it will become becomes apparent - cut to black.

We don't see any of Nicolas and Lestat simply in love, beyond seconds - flashes of lovemaking.

We see how Nicolas feels regarding being lied to and gaslit, and told mistruths in the era when Lestat is a vampire... and something of Gabriella's impact at this time... but we don't see any of Nicolas' turning, or anything of him as a vampire (beyond "I give you The Theatre of the Vampires," Which is, I think, the only moment that felt pretty shoehorned in, without enough purpose to it for me...)

We see mania... or call it madness... and we see how it breaks Lestat's heart... but we don't see the death... and we just, for me, don't get inside Nicki's full experience enough.

It's like, every moment is super intense, and yet every time it is like Nicolas is attached to the marionette strings in the plays he writes in the book, and he is pulled away from us before we can fully grasp him.

What hurts me most is maybe his music. I am so impressed with how convincing Joe is as a violinist - I fully believe. But we only really saw him play once on the street, and angrily, briefly in the apartment. This is a season all about music. You can say Nicolas underlies that as he was Lestat's first encounter with music. But I do not feel we were really shown what music truly meant to Nicolas yet. I mean, I feel it a bit. But not because it was written. Only from what Joe was able to imbue Nicolas' playing with anyway.

But just imagine if we saw a moment of Nicolas playing - not Mozart - but purely for himself. Just imagine if we - felt - the origin of what music could be - for Nicolas - and then, on into - for Lestat. I don't know...

I understand the why of much of this. Lestat is holding Nicolas back. Protecting his memory. But for someone (me!) who needs to feel the entirety of Nicolas to some degree. And let me be clear - there is no specific scene I need, nor a specific amount of screen time... still... I just ache. And the tremendous power in what we witnessed only makes the ache deeper.

I can tell you I didn't cry for Nicolas in the episode (I did later actually, watching scenes individually). I can imagine people having cried for Lestat in Nicolas' scenes much more easily. Though I am sure many cried for Nicolas, too... but for me - I was taken to thresholds again and again... and then the door was closed... and I was left outside, pleading to be let in.

I think there has to be some kind of resolution in episode 7. I think there will be. I think we'll probably see the music box. Though the music box doesn't much matter to me. It's not a book thing. It didn't exist when Nicki was alive. And presumably Lestat wrote For a Young Violinist a long time after Nicolas died... so how connected is it actually to Nicolas?

Anyway, I know I definitely need at least a tiny amount of emotional time in episode 7 with actual real Nicolas back in the 1700's for resolution myself. I don't say loads. Pack a punch and you can do it in a brief time.

Will we get it? I hope so. It's hard, as we haven't really been given much evidence that we will... yet I can't help believing we will.

Yeah - summary - Joe is incredible... and he's so incredible he could have been the all of Nicolas, which can't help but make the ache of the choices even more.

I was particularly upset by the song revelations. I feel like Nicki has no song for himself, now. How can Nicolas, for whom music is his whole self, have no song specifically his?

And it hurt me more as I loved Hit the Lights in episode 1 - it was my favourite scene in that episode. Then I tried to transcribe it from the blurry screen grab. And it is a beautiful song. But it has been given to Gabriella. I don't mind Why do I have to Feel being for Louis as that's how it felt in the episode. But there not (yet) being a song specifically for Nicolas hurts.

Especially because Hit the Lights in the context of the show felt for Gabriella... but then with Nicki's Muse appearing so much, I developed a theory of him being the muse to help Lestat both remember their love, and confront what happened with Gabriella... and I think some part of me thought that might also involve reclaiming this song for Nicolas. But Daniel Hart was pretty clear the song was just repurposed for Gabriella.

And that's fine... it's disturbing. But the song can work as disturbing. But I think I hate that a song for Nicolas - for his interiority can so easily be given to another character's interiority. It feels like erasing him.

I don't know. I definitely feel there will be some resolution in episode 7... but I'm not sure how much faith I have that the show cares enough about Nicolas... and even if they do... I am not sure that, at this point, it could be enough for me.

For instance - Joe's work has been deeply moving and affecting. It didn't make me cry because I simply know Nicolas so much deeper than that, that how could it, when it was always pulling away from him?

I need to be fully let in. And I know Joe and Sam can give that. I hope it is resolved in episode 7, however briefly - because a lack of resolution will keep me questioning...

Yeah... I could say so much more... but off the top of my head, in a big spew, this is what I feel.

What do you feel?

What does everyone feel?

I wonder if those who are less attached to Nicolas might feel him more from what we just have? Maybe some do, maybe others don't notice him much at all.

I dunno.

I can't lie. Season 3 has been difficult for me. But I also feel lucky. Almost all characters have significant changes from their book selves. But Nicolas, while he is not his full book self as he isn't there enough to be that, nothing about him contradicts his book self. And that is SUCH a gift. I think that would be the worst pain for me. I mean, even Lestat - he's the titular character! Yet to me, he has some significant alterations to his essence compared to his book self.

OK... I'll just stop as it is time to sleep.

I could write a million things more...

But I hope this post will become interesting, not least, because after episode 7, I will feel differently.

Also - to say - I am always open to discussion. These characters mean a lot to us. It has been a hard watch, season 3. But there is so much I feel so blessed with, and I can hold onto both that, and - just about - some amount of hope.

But - before episode 7... I feel Nicolas' deepest desire is to be known, and loved, for his full self - down to every corner of his darkness... every terrible aspect of himself that he certainly believes is unloveable.

And... in a way, I feel like the show itself has echoed Lestat, in not wanting to look deep enough.

Will we get Nicki's bird in episode 7? Please say we will. We had birds with Paul, Claudia, and Dreamstat... and Lestat.

Surely we will, at least, get Nicki's bird?

OK... I am going to sleep now... Because I want to get into the French Revolution now and bad times - I must sleep!

Edit to add… no… I do not think Nicolas will be in season 4. I don’t see a place for Nicolas in Akasha’s story.

I also hope there is resolution in e7 to whatever extent, because if there isn’t, I won’t be able to not hope he’ll return in some season. And I think it is highly unlikely. (At least not beyond a very brief cameo in ghost/memory-ish style.)

One reason the ache is so big is this is Nicolas’ only season, so whatever he is here, I think that’s it.

For @titus-andr0gyn0us art

“…And yet he loved this thing… because it was ghastly & awful & loathsome, and beautiful all at the same time. He loved it the way people love evil, because it thrills them to the core of their souls.” 

What if they don’t resolve Nicolas at all?

I don’t think I can bear it.

But I’m sure they will create some beautiful &/or simultaneously terrible resolution of some kind.

They have to in some way, right?

I want you to love me enough to give it to me.

I feel as though I am doing something that I don’t quite understand.  I think I have to keep playing for Nicolas as though I could somehow—

I felt sick.

Everything was destroyed.

Every memory corrupted.

There you go! I made 01 gif!

First, before episode 5 there was that Muse Nicolas teaser that got me, for the first time this season feeling real hope. I felt sure the clip was suggesting that the Muse Nicki in Lestat's psyche was going to actively lead Lestat to confront his feelings and memories both for Nicolas, and about what happened with Gabriella... but, if anything, the scene had less power in the context of the episode than it did outside of it, just as a teaser... and it was also (bar a few seconds of Nicolas sitting in the background) the sole Nicolas in the episode.

Basically, I think I felt, if they were building up to something, it would begin here - in episode 5. And it didn't.

And like, yeah - I adored Akasha. There were things I liked in the episode. Jacob Anderson is just SO fabulous this season. And I feel absolutely blessed that Joseph Potter is Nicolas. We could not be luckier - his work has been magnificent.

Anyway... then there was the whole thing of Nicolas losing two songs in as many days.

Hit the Lights: well... when I transcribed it from that blurry screen grab, it seemed about Nicki... because the words... are about and for Nicki... but in the show it was always shown when Lestat is thinking of Gabriella. And he's literally writing the song, thinking of her. So I obviously already knew it was for Gabriella in the show.

But I think underneath it, I also knew the Nicolas of it... and because my mind had constructed some theory where Muse Nicki helps lead Lestat to a place his mind and heart need to - in a way Lestat was unable to for Nicolas - perhaps a part of me thought - this beautiful song they've used in a few episodes - that'll surely be part of Lestat reclaiming his love for Nicolas in the past, for Louis in the present, and moving past the trauma done unto him by Gabriella - recognising it for what it is.

I think a part of me had decided that Nicolas would reclaim the song - or, you know, Lestat would reclaim Nicolas through it - and it would be part of his resolution this season.

But then, Daniel Hart just flat out said it was written for Nicolas, but given to Gabriella. And he also said, what I already felt - that Why Do I Have to Feel is written for Louis. Which is how it is presented on TV too. I felt less bad about that because it is presented that way, and Daniel can simply be wrong in thinking Lestat wrote it for Nicki. I can let that song go easily. It never felt like Nicki's to me.

But now Nicolas (currently) has no songs. Nicolas, for whom music is his self - from whom we have not yet got to really even see that most basic thing - the depth of what music means to him - in a season all about music... Nicolas has no songs.

It feels like everything is taken from him.

And I know... I know there will be some resolution in episode 7. I know it will be supposed to be emotional, whatever it is. But how much time will it be? A lot has to happen in a season end. Will it be enough for ME to feel it?

I hope it will. I don't say it is impossible.

But I do say that as every week goes by, watching season 3 gets harder, and hope gets smaller, and honestly... it is a real battle for me to watch this season.

I spoke so much more about S2 as it aired. I haven't even felt like making gifs of S3. It's all I can do to keep trying to play for bits.

And I keep playing for Nicki's bits again and again, as if perhaps I could... I could grasp hold of his heart and soul and pull him here in some deeper way. But it gets harder and harder to even make music for Nicolas. Instead of easier. And I think it gets harder, as the pressure is increasing. Like for myself - I feel it is down to me to find whatever meaning I can make, whatever feeling I can forge.

In some weird way, perhaps I feel like I need to give him something - you know. Hold him here. Give him more of the emotion I want to feel. But the pressure of it rises and rises.

This is a random train-of-thought post. But I just need to let it out.

I have been thinking about some scenes in more depth, like the French Revolution discourse in episode 3 too - to try to wrangle that all emotionally and historically to give me something more to hold onto. And I won't get into my discoveries and thinking here... but even that... anachronisms are there... Yet I can't make myself write about it properly... and I just--

I'm finding it hard. That's all. And I can't claim either Hit the Lights or Why do I have to Feel as at all Nicki's. For me, they are Gabriella's and Louis' respectively.

And all Nicolas has is... he has nothing.

Even as a Muse - what is he inspiring? Not a single song for him...?