I Belong In Devildom

If you don’t know anything about Turkmenistan it’s an oppressive dictatorship in the same ballpark as North Korea. The Gates of Hell is one of its only tourist attractions and the way it came about is pretty weird actually.

Sources vary because this thing happened in the Soviet era so record keeping wasn’t great but it seems like the most likely story is that geologists were digging in the area when they hit a natural reserve of methane. And if you don’t know, methane is many many times worse then carbon dioxide for the environment.

So whoever was digging out there set the methane leak on fire, probably figuring it would burn up and only release carbon dioxide into the air which is like, bad but it’s not as bad as a buttload of methane and they probably expected it to just burn for a few days.

But here’s the thing, guys. It’s been burning now for almost 50 years. 50 years this methane leak has been burning up in a giant hole in Turkmenistan. And nobody knows when it’s gonna stop burning. The methane could run out tomorrow, or it could run out a hundred years from now. But leaving it burning is the safest bet because it’s keeping the methane at bay and it’s one of the country’s only tourist attractions.

Enter Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov. A dictator, and, as most dictators are, an idiot. But he’s even an idiot by dictator standards. He does things like recite love poems about horses on national tv and try to sterilize public places against covid by burning a bunch of grass in them for some reason? But anyways, this guy announced he wants to extinguish the gates of hell which honestly seems like shooting himself in the foot for a multitude of reasons including the health of his country’s tiny tourism industry but what’s even wilder is he claims he wants to put it out because it’s a “danger to the environment”

If you're reading this, I love you. ❤️

Here’s the artist’s website.

“ dance, here? “ [off their nod] “ with... you? “

“ i never would have expected to catch you in such a riveting event. “

“ i happen to be quite the dancer. “

“ i wanted to dance with you today. “ “ we danced. “ “ properly. “

“ thank you, for uh, the dance. “

“ may i have this dance? “

[looks nervously at the crowd] “ i think they’re just jealous. “

“ come on, dance with me. “

“ i wasn’t going to ask, but considering you’re here… “ [offers hand] “ would you do me the honor? “

“ you’re quite the dancer, aren’t you? “

“ is it a crime to dance with a pretty girl? “

“ all right, take me out for a spin. “

“ they’re staring. “ “ let them. “

“ dance with me. “ “ right here? “ [nods] “ but… there’s no music playing. “ “ we don’t need it. “

please give credit if you repost.

“ just kiss me. ”

“ i really want to kiss you right now. “

“ forgive me with a kiss? “

“ give me a smooch. “

“ you’re mine. “ “ so come kiss me. “

“ maybe if you kiss me, i’ll do the dishes. “

“ i’m here for business — not pleasure. “

“ so you don’t want me to kiss you? “

“ i could kiss you for hours. “

“ how about a good night kiss? “

“ you may now kiss your fiancée. “

“ we should practice for our wedding day. “

“ you, me, bed, now. “

“ i want our first kiss to be special. “

“ you didn’t kiss me good night last night. “

“ we forgot our good morning kiss. “

“ i forgot to kiss you good morning, so i’m doing it now. “

“ i’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while. “

“ kiss me, i’m miserable. “

“ who was your first kiss? “

“ did you pay the bills? “ “ yes — where’s my kiss? “

“ if you want me to kiss you, all you have to do is ask. “

“ you’re a great kisser. “

“ you’ve never made out with yourself in the mirror? “ “ …what? “

“ can i get another one? “

“ every time you kiss me, i swear i fall even more in love with you. “

“ i haven’t mastered the art of kissing yet. “

“ wanna practice? “

“ you’re a great kisser... is there an award for that? “

“ kiss the pain away. “

“ your lips on mine and i'm home. “

“ is there such a thing as love at first kiss? “

“ if i were to kiss someone, it would be you. “

“ you’re irresistible. ”

“ with your lips on mine there's less bullshit coming out of it, so i guess there's that. “

“ you’ve got great lips. ” “ thank you? “

“ kiss me again — but don’t stop this time. “

“ i love it when you kiss me. “

“ your kisses mean the world to me. “

“ i want you to kiss me. for real, this time. “

“ one last kiss is worth being late to work for. “

“ if you kiss me, we’re not getting out of bed today… “

“ you kissed me last night. “ “ and you didn't stop me. “

“ no more kisses! i need to get ready for work. “

“ you’re not much for kisses, are you? “

“ i really want to kiss you. “

“ it’s cute, this thing you’re doing. “ [being nervous over their first kiss]

“ you've never been kissed before? “

“ you’re going to have to guide me through this. “

“ do i just... close my eyes and lean in? “

“ you're just, really cute, and i don't want you to be disappointed... “

“ if you're not ready for a kiss, that's okay. “

“ guess there's some pressure for you too, isn't there? you know, being my first kiss and all... “

“ i want our first kiss to be special. “

“ one day, i'm going to kiss you, and it's going to be magical. “

“ i kissed you. “ “ i know, i... was there. “

“ kiss me again. “

“ you just can't help yourself, can you? “

“ you’re just… you know, i really want our first kiss to be special. “

“ i've always wondered what it would be like to kiss you. “

“ it's just an innocent kiss. “

“ we're friends, right? friends kiss each other all the time. “

“ people kiss each other all the time, doesn't mean there's feelings involved. “

“ i'm sorry for bringing it up. “ “ actually, i would love to kiss you. “

“ you mean, you, and me? kissing? “

“ you've seriously never thought about [us kissing each other]? “ “ maybe once or twice. “

“ you mean us, kissing? “ “ can’t say it never crossed my mind. “

“ let’s just… kiss to see what it’s like. “

“ fuck it. get over here. let’s do it. “

“ it’s just an innocent kiss. it’s not like it means anything. “

“ when you kissed me... it's like my soul got set on fire. “

“ i've heard great things about you. so naturally... i'm a little curious. “

“ it’s not like i’ve thought about kissing you, or anything… “

“ you’re really good at this, you know. “

“ all i want to do is kiss you, all day. every day. “

“ i’ve never kissed anyone before. “

“ you said you’ve never kissed anyone before. i’m planning on changing that. “

“ well, if anybody were to kiss me… i would want that person to be you. “

“ you just can't get enough of me, can you? “

“ and right now... i think you should kiss me. “

“ are you sure you’re ready for this? “ “ i've been ready. “

“ don't make this weird. “ “ but... you haven't been kissed before. “

“ kiss me like you mean it. “

“ kisses aren't necessary. we can stick to hugs and hand holding. “

“ i’ll kiss you right now to prove that i don’t feel anything for you. “

“ you kissed me first. “ “ i definitely didn't. “ “ you were literally all over me. “

“ i’ve been wanting to do that for a while. ”

“ did you just kiss me? “

“ you're full of shit if you think that kiss didn't mean anything. “

“ did we just... kiss? “

“ your kiss already proved it. “

“ shit... i didn't mean to do that. “ you didn't mean to kiss me? “

“ kiss me, and don't let go. “

“ you're not gonna kiss me. “

“ kiss me and you'll find out. “

“ you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to. “

“ and right now, i think you should kiss me. “

“ you shouldn't kiss me right now. “

“ don't speak, just... kiss me. “

Meeting the parents prompts

before the meeting

“ don't freak out. “

“ you have nothing to worry about. “

“ i should bring your mom some flowers. “

“ and your parents...? “ “ would love to meet you, actually. “

“ they're going to love you. “

“ name, we're going to be late! “

“ i want to make a great first impression. “

“ are you nervous? “ “ of course i'm nervous! “

“ oh my god... what if they hate me? “

“ we had a one-night stand, and got pregnant -- “ “ let's just leave that part out, assort the situation. “

“ i think you'll get along just fine. “

“ hello, where are you going? “

“ turn left, right over there. “ “ turn -- what? “ “ left. “ [points their finger] “ right over there. “ “ right over there? “ “ no, left over there! “

“ you're going the wrong direction. “

“ how do i look? “ “ like your mother's son. “ [beat] “ not that i would know. “

“ this is a huge day! i mean, i'm meeting your parents! “

meeting the parents

“ you treat her well. “

“ you don't happen to have any photo albums? of [lover's name], when they were younger? “

[hands over a gift] “ oh, that wasn't necessary... “

“ she's a real keeper, i'll tell you that much. don't screw this up, son. “

“ it's so nice to finally meet you! “

“ quite frankly, i don't think i've ever seen him this happy. “

“ we've heard so much about you! “

“ i can see where he gets his humor from. “

“ so, remind me, how did you guys meet? “

“ it was love at first sight. “ [beat] “ “ no, really, it was. “

“ oh my god, [child's name], she's gorgeous! “

“ don't be silly, you're more than welcome, sweetheart! “

“ it's so nice to finally meet you, Mrs and M-- “ “ oh, please, call me [name]! “

“ tell you what, why don't you invite your parents over as well? “

after the meeting

“ i had a really great time tonight. “

“ your parents are lovely, truly. “

“ i feel... very welcomed. and very loved. it's quite nice, actually. “

“ your parents are wonderful. “ “ magnificent... so when can i meet yours? “

“ i have a feeling you might be their favorite soon-to-be daughter-in-law. “

MCs who are:

People of any color.

Disabled

Neurodivergent

Of any sexuality

Of any body type.

Tattoo/piercing-covered.

Tattoo/piercing-less

Of any background.

Unconventionally attractive.

scared of being touched

Anxious and just need a little time to warm up.

The Monster: Am Eloquent Baby

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I'm picking up writing commissions! I have a bill due in 8 days so my car won't get repossessed while I'm out of a job.

Fandoms I'll write for:

MHA

Obey Me: One Master to Rule Them All

Fruits Basket

Mass Effect

Overwatch

And a few others. Don't be afraid to ask!

My prices are more than fair, and I'm happy to work with you and your budget. Please just send me a message with your requested fandom, if you would like a one shot, drabble, or headcanons, and if it's SFW or NSFW. Yes, NSFW does affect the price.