regular season mess

Thank god for John Mulaney, because “That’s exactly what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse” is incredibly satisfying to hiss at the news.

john mulaney just won an emmy and in his acceptance speech, he said that his wife was in New York because she “wasn’t going to buy a ticket just to watch him lose” and if that isn’t peak john mulaney 

Inflation is honestly the strangest shit. Like someone rn is thinking of getting blown up like a balloon and they’ve got a boner.

i thought this was about economics at first and that second sentence hit me like a freight train

happy ten year anniversary

*Switches languages in mid-sentence while talking to myself*

the fact that 15 year olds have more money than me because they lip synced to the weekend asking for coochie on musically makes me want to use my eyes as martini decorations

I love how he gave this bit at an autism benefit because it is also a heavy Autism Mood™

This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen.

This right here is the best part of the 2018 Stanley Cup run

if we being honest, rihanna doesn’t seem like the best person to text in a crisis

I feel like she’s the type to text back 5 hours later like “you good? 👀”

Quit putting essays on my dash do you think I have eyes

you dont just play the sims. you go on a sims binge for three days straight then put the game down for 5 months