Jump Start My Kaleidoscope Heart

@egglorru commissioned me for hobo neil then edens twilight neil and this is one of my favorite commissions to do

#And please STOP trying to contain your trans siblings

#we should never be enforcing imaginary rules on each other

#part of community is helping each other stand tall

Listening to a podcast about bodies and eating disorders and the body positivity movement of the last decade ish and hearing someone say (paraphrasing from memory here) "body positivity was all capitalism, there were no legislative changes, just new brands of jeans"

Legislative changes are super important but I cannot emphasize enough that jeans coming in bigger sizes and fat-friendly cuts is actually a really big deal! With meaningful impacts on people's lives (including mine)! Fat people do need clothes! And you may not realize this, but if you're over a certain size (that's not even that big a size) there's a very good chance you can go to a big box store and *not find anything that fits you*. There are towns in the US where if you're over a size 18 you need to drive an hour away or shop online to get things in your size. And they're expensive! "Just buy used" if they even have your size! Fat people want to look nice too. And we face enough judgement during job interviews (to give one example) without trying to do it in clothes that don't fit or are super uncomfortable.

Actually: If you're fat and you want to look cute/hot/masc/femme/etc I cannot recommend this website enough, you put in your measurements and it lists what brands have your size. You can filter for stuff like sensory friendly, nonbinary, masc, organic, etc. It's not AI just a database.

Good question, also no that won’t help.

shitty MS Paint 3 minutes doodle, nto entirely accurate: When you have your pinky hooked on the “bottom” edge of the phone for the extra security so it doesn’t slide out of your hand that easily, you’re wreaking damage on your hand, since the pinky is extremely askew from it’s resting position. You might have noticed that when you hold your phone like that for long time it begins to hurt, like when you are gripping a pen too tightly for example.

and like. LISTEN. shane is a tough, strong dude, okay? he has played a heavy contact sport since he was an itty bitty. he is no shrinking violet. he can take a hit and get back up and keep going. he's no stranger to like. grabbing shoulders and a little playful jostling. but i also feel like his vibe on the team with the metros made him a little untouchable (first with respect that still made him "other" and then with. well.) beyond things like shoulder punches from jj and helmet taps with hayden.

and now he's gotten tossed into this locker room where he is accepted and welcomed but ALSO maybe getting fucking whiplash on the reg from cliff's affection. like hey! thank you for including me! but also you just fucking RAGDOLLED me the SECOND i walked in here today and i am a little turned on and ALARMED about it. just a little.

like hits on the ice? yeah. shane understands those. gets 'em and deals 'em all the time. no big. a little bro shoulder tapping/shaking? yeah sure.

but cliff just fucking. 🗣️HOLL-ZY! MY GUUUY! 🗣️ and that is shane's ONLY warning that he's about to get borderline shaken adult syndrome. everyone else in the locker room including ilya knows to brace or dodge by this point, but shane is still adjusting.

so cliff always walks off looking content and pleased at expressing his Bro Affection™ while shane is left just

1. if you feel judged and hurt by others, try sleeping

2. if you feel judgmental and resentful of others, try eating (the classics)

3. if you feel uncomfortable, try showering

4. if you feel directionless and afraid, go sit outside for a bit and maybe then you'll calm down. maybe even a walk if youre feelin crazy

Hear me out.

Neil has had to lie to stay alive. He is good at reading people, he is good at faking and masking and tricking and manipulating when he is in need. But he is not in need any more.

Neil Josten is the real person who blossomed from a lie when he was given a safe space and people that cared. #10 Fox from PSU is the most real he has ever been able to be. And he knows it.

Neil Josten is a horrible liar because he loves not needing to lie. He is able to lie. He will if needed without missing a beat. But when there's no need? He is deliberately bad at it.

He doesn't try being good at playing amongst us, or werewolf (mafia? How is this game called in English speaking countries??)

He comes up with extremely obnoxious lies that are imposible to mistake with the truth when he doesn't want to answer a question:

Neil breaking into Wymack apartment because he is having a bad night and he is paranoid:

Wymack, still half asleep: Neil? What are you doing here?

Neil: I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm actually a werewolf and there's full moon outside so I can't go back to campus until it's daytime.

Wymack, sighs: does your werewolf form need to talk it out or just being away from moonlight?

Neil: no moonlight is enough...?

Wymack: ... I'm making us coffee.

With the variation of gaslighting media:

Intervier: Neil, what are your thoughts on your teammate Kevin Day and Thea Muldani being named couple of the year?

Neil (who knows it's a fake relationship), looking straight into the camera, the most confused he's ever been: who?

Interviewer: eh... Thea Muldani?

Neil: nono, I know who Thea Muldani is. Who the fuck is Kevin Day?

Interviewer, pointing at the poster behind Neil where Kevin and him are possing together: him.

Neil, stares at it for a good 30seconds before looking back into the camera and whispering: I've never seen him before in my life. Pretty sure that's photoshopped.

One day, while Jean is cleaning the house, he reaches into the air conditioning vent… and pulls out a bag containing $5,000 in cash and a loaded pistol.

Jean is so shocked that he breaks out in a cold sweat.

Andrew receives a call from Jean while he's in the car with Neil.

"Monsieur D'Artanan," Andrew says when he answers on speakerphone.

"Is your crazy boyfriend there?" Jean asks. Before either of them can reply, Jean continues in a fit of rage. "There are three pistols in my house, two sawed-off shotguns, a set of hunting knives, $200,000 in cash… AND 3 FUCKING GRENADES!"

Andrew stops the car and turns to Neil, very slowly.

Neil remains silent for a few seconds.

"That's not mine," Neil says.

This is because there are two parts to memories - their encoding and their recall. The encoding determines their availability, their recall determines their accessibility. The reason why trauma memory and childhood amnesia are different is in this distinction. Trauma memory is often encoded differently, bypassing to the limbic system where it is stored as intrinsic memory. It can’t be recalled because it was never encoded. Childhood amnesia, however, seems to indicate that the memories are encoded, but we lose access to them as we age. This is most likely due to the development of brain structures that fundamentally change our encoding and recall of memory as we get older.