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My whole life, I have dealt with disability… and for the longest time I didn’t know it.
This disability pride month (also my birth month) I am going to celebrate it for the first time in my life.
The shame I feel from my disabilities most likely stemmed from myself and words I internalised from others.
I mention my PTSD treatment, Therapy: “You don’t need therapy! It's all in your head”.
I mention my Psychosis: “Oh, so you're psycho! Please remind me to not get on your bad side”.
I mention my Autism: “You don't look autistic”.
I bring up my chronic pain: “you don’t seem to be in pain? You're being a crybaby”.
I mention my recent screening and high likelihood of OCD: “then why is your room a mess? You don't seem like a clean freak!”.
So on and so forth.
It was only until I started to struggle deeply, and finally got in contact with accessibility services at my university that I realised I was internalising what people had told me.
I felt like I was faking all my problems and felt shame, because I am ‘Able bodied passing’. Physically: I can walk, I can run, I can be physically active. Although I pay for it by being in pain all the time with over-counter medications, heat packs, and topical treatments not working, and all blood-tests returning normal. (suspected fibromyalgia)
Mentally: I am plagued by intrusive thoughts, and compulsions to keep myself and others safe from what I perceive to be danger.
I am plagued by memories of trauma and nightmares, as well as nights where I lay sobbing and avoiding things that remind me of trauma.
I am in fear that I will start hearing voices again, and my psychosis becomes active again after years of it being in remission.
Developmentally: I am plagued by constantly being misunderstood, or mocked for my mannerisms.
I used to hide myself away from people to avoid these possibilities of being seen as ‘faking disability’. I am still learning to accept myself as a disabled person. I am learning to remember that it may take me longer to complete things, and I shouldn't push myself as hard as I would as a non-disabled person, as it makes me more unwell.
I am Amelie, I am disabled and I am taking my time to treat myself with kindness and accepting myself. I am going to celebrate and hope for equity for disabled folk.
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STOP using 'psycho' or 'psychotic' to describe people who you deem are 'evil' or 'bad' or 'crazy'. It is harmful to people who have psychosis (such as myself). Please do not use stigmatised disorders/medical terms to make a point. There are many words you can use without putting down others who may have a psychotic disorder, or some other condition.
for my fellow psychotics who struggle with thinking someone is in their house, a method I’ve found that really works are these guys:
i put them on my front door and anytime it opens they ring. that way if i think someone has broken in or i see someone who isn’t there i can think back to if the bells have rung, and if they haven’t i can assure myself it’s not real. obviously it’s not fool proof, like if you are prone to auditory hallucinations, but it has really helped me calm down in time to avoid major psychotic breaks. it’s a real lifesaver
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Sometimes, we have to do things even when we don't feel our best, But this tip I learnt from a counsellor was this:
Have a 'blob' day.
What is a blob day? My counsellor says a blob day is where you take a day out maybe once a month, to just 'blob out'. Don't do anything involving work, or study, but to just do something that doesnt involve much. I know it can be hard if youre always working, or feel like you need to work, but remember to take breaks and treat yourself with some grace. Rest is important, and you deserve to rest.
Medication, we either love it, or hate it. But sometimes the fact some of us have to take them can be a hard pill to swallow (pun intended).
So I have a tip for you!
If you have a med case where you keep meds (even if you just take 1 pill a day), I'd recommend decorating it. I decorated mine with stickers to make it appeal to me! Please see the attached image for my pill case (feel free to use it as inspiration!)
if you struggle with Self-Harm, like I do, It's easy to get wrapped up in the repetitive nature. My Tip is to pick up a hobby that also has that repetitive nature, Such as Crochet.
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amandla
turnnoffyourmind
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