Collector of Father Figures

[wash swipes some blood off the wall with his finger and brings it close to his face]

wash: then where is the blood from?

tucker: DON’T TASTE IT????

wash: i’m- i’m not tasting it! i’m just smelling it!

[caboose walks up next to wash at the wall]

caboose: can i taste it?

church: D O N O T L I C K M Y W A L L S.

wash: don’t lick the walls, caboose.

caboose: okay.

[caboose stares at the wall intensely]

tucker: he’s gonna lick the fucking walls.

[wash plays with the blood between his fingers]

wash: well, it certainly feels like real blood.

church: wh- of course it feels like blood! what the fuck else would blood feel like!!!

wash: i thought it might be an illusion.

church: I A M N O T A N I L L U S I O N ! !

tucker: he’s been throwing chairs and shit at us! how is that illusion??

wash: nothing’s hit us. besides, if he can make us hallucinate visually and auditorially he can probably make us hallucinate, uh. tactilely.

tucker: tactfully?

wash: no, tactile. like touch.

caboose: what’s the word for smell.

wash: um. odorously?

caboose: what about taste.

church: STOP TRYING TO FUCKING TASTE MY BLOOD!

tucker: so the ghost is fucking, touching us??

church: i am NOT touching you! you’re touching my shit!

tucker: man, why can’t we be getting touched by sexy ghosts like in ghostbusters.

church: W H A T ! ?????

wash: don’t fuck the ghost

tucker: i’m not fucking the ghost!

caboose: if we can touch the ghost… can we hug him?

church: if you hug me Y O U D I E.

tucker: wait, like you’ll murder him? or like just touching you kills a person?

wash: why do you wanna know if you can touch him, tucker?

tucker: fuck you dude. i’m trying to figure out what kinda danger we’re actually in while you’re out here asking about the fucking, wall blood,

wash: i’m trying to understand the mechanics! if the blood comes from somewhere thats important to know!

tucker: it’s probably from the fucking, dead people! that he’s killed!

wash: no one’s been here in years, it wouldn’t be this fresh.

[wash turns to church]

wash: unless youre preserving the blood somehow…?

church: preserving the— your friend is right, these are stupid as fuck questions. why are you asking this?? why does it matter???

caboose: fake blood isn’t scary.

wash: real blood wouldn’t be that scary either, for the record.

church: how would real blood not be scary!

wash: it’s completely disembodied. tucker, if you saw a puddle of blood on the ground with no source, would you be scared?

tucker: uh. i guess not.

church: oh, come on. first of all, false equivalence. you’re telling me you see a room covered in blood and you wouldn’t care? bullshit.

tucker: i didnt say that, i mean. if there’s a lot of blood i’d be like. worried.

wash: exactly. it’s concerning, not scary. and that’s mostly because it means someone’s hurt.

tucker: nah, if it’s fresh and like, splattered, i’d probably be scared there’s a killer nearby or something.

wash: your first thought is not going to be that there’s a killer.

tucker: it depends how much it looks like a murder scene!

caboose: the scariest thing is the tetanus.

church: OH MY GOD, shut the fuck up. look. i don’t know where the blood is from, okay?

tucker: you don’t?

church: it’s magic scary ghost shit! it doesn’t come from anywhere!

wash: so it’s not real.

church: IT IS REAL. it’s just not from anywhere! i just make it!

caboose: it’s your blood?

church: IT’S NOT- it’s. maybe it’s my blood. i don’t know.

tucker: can we get a dna test?

wash: that would only be helpful if we already had something with his dna to compare it to.

tucker: hm. hey, ghost, do you have any old cum socks in your room or something?

church: what the fuck.

wash: so you do want the ghost’s cum?

tucker: NO!!