SAM SHAFAGHI SOMETHING SOMETHING WRITING

Kawhi Leonard

You’re known for being quiet, but you're easily the most efficient sales associate at Foot Locker. Unfortunately, you experience a falling out with your store manager over an injury you sustained while on the job, when a large stack of unorganized shoe boxes toppled on you. On the advice of your uncle, you request a transfer to the Levi's store that's closest to your house. Instead, the store manager sends you to the Canada Goose store all the way across town. Canada Goose absolutely loves having you, and they go all out to make sure you never leave. They give you a record number of sick days. It is not enough for you though, and you quit after just one year, because you're finally able to get a job at that Levi's close to home. You're taking it a little too easy there, much to the chagrin of Levi's corporate end, who are struggling to compete with the other stores in the mall.

Damian Lillard After a storied run as one of the most loyal Sales Associates at Foot Locker, you finally decide to quit because your colleagues could never pick up the slack over the years. Your store manager understands, and saw it coming. Now you just want him to help you get the job you want next at The Nike Store. He's taking forever to hook it up and you're getting annoyed. 

Kyrie Irving You have an extremely successful repertoire with your co-worker, LeBron, who is one of the greatest Sales Leads that Foot Locker has ever seen. You still stand in your own right as an excellent sales associate. Everyone compliments you on the beauty of your work.

You long to be out of LeBron's shadow and so you quit Foot Locker to become a Sales Lead at Gucci. Unfortunately, you don't really get along with your new co-workers. During off hours and at company dinners, you constantly bring up peculiar ideas like the Earth being flat, which completely turns them off. You become ostracized but believe everyone else is the problem.

As a result, you quit Gucci and join your good friend Kevin and your new friend James at the Hugo Boss store. You take issue when the mall implements a mask and vaccine mandate, and refuse to show up for work. Your personal life interferes with your job and becomes too much of a distraction, to the point where both Kevin and James decide to leave Hugo Boss. You ultimately get transferred to Aldo, where that cool European guy works. James Harden You and your fellow sales associates (Kevin, Russell, Serge) make quite a team, but Foot Locker Corporate tells your store manager that it's impossible to afford all of you. The manager decides to let you go, which many insider customers feel was a big mistake to this day.

You get a new job at UniQlo, where you achieve great personal success as an Assistant Manager. But the Nordstrom's across the hall is impossible to compete with, and they beat you in sales time and time again. You lose interest in your work and overall environment. Your colleagues start rumors about what you do in your off time, and your performance takes a hit as a result. Eventually, you quit UniQlo and get hired at Hugo Boss, where you're reunited with your friend Kevin from Foot Locker. He introduces you to Kyrie, a gifted sales associate who makes things super weird. You overhear Kyrie inform customers about how Hugo Boss made suits for the Nazis. The whole place is a complete mess.

Eager to escape, you swiftly move to The Gap. There, you encounter an old school store manager who is not great at getting the most out of his staff. That includes failing to control his head sales associate, who spends most of his time fooling around on the job and being a troll on social media. Although Corporate recently hired a brand new store manager with a proven track record of success, you quit The Gap and annoy everybody in the process by continuing to receive your salary. 

Kevin Durant Customers and employees all agree that you're one of the best sales leads in Foot Locker's history. Your goal every year is to outsell Nordstrom's shoe department, but when Nordstrom's offer you a role as an Assistant Manager, you take it and become one of the most hated retail workers in the mall. You try to act unaffected by all the resentment, but it's clear that it bothers you. In fact, you create burner social media accounts to criticize any customer or former colleague who speaks ill of you. 

After a few years of immense success with Nordstrom's, you decide to quit and join Hugo Boss to reclaim a bigger role. They do everything you ask and even hire Steve, the store manager that you specifically requested. They also bring in your best friend, Kyrie, to work alongside you, and your old buddy James from the Foot Locker days. Unfortunately Steve was wildly inexperienced, James rarely if ever showed up to work, and Kyrie was blasting Alex Jones clips over the store speakers. You blamed this entire catastrophe on Hugo Boss's upper management, and to nobody's surprise, you requested a transfer to Macy's - yet another already well established and successful store in the mall. 

8:17 AM – Here he comes, ready to eat the most important meal of the day. I’m still storing the avocados he bought five days ago, so maybe he’ll make that avocado toast he’s been talking about? Nope, he’s going for the sugary granola bar in the cabinet beside me instead. Great, another healthy breakfast in the books with a birthday cake flavored granola bar. This is gonna be a long day.

10:30 AM – The mid-morning snack is off to a good start. He took the package of strawberries out! But there’s only three strawberries in his bowl. That's it? There’s gotta be more. Oh, he’s pairing the strawberries with a bag of trail mix. And like always, he’s picking out the raisins from the trail mix and throwing them away. Trail mix with three strawberries and no raisins. Yeah, God forbid he consumes any actual nutrients.

12:57 PM – Lunch time is upon us. That chicken breast in my bottom drawer has been thawing for a while, so it’s now or never. Well, looks like it's "never," because he’s grabbing the broccoli beef Chinese take-out from two days ago. He forgot about the chicken breast again. Typical.

  1:01 PM – He's here to grab soy sauce for his broccoli beef leftovers. The soy sauce bottle is on the top shelf. The TOP shelf. It’s right there, dude. It’s literally right behind the orange juice. No, that’s the expired bottle of vinaigrette, which you should throw out by the way. Remember that one time you ate salad?

  1:05 PM – This is so frustrating. Look with your hands and not your eyes.

  1:07 PM – Yes! Finally! You found it! It only took you an eternity!

  3:02 PM – I can tell by his face he’s feeling the three o’clock slump. He looks dehydrated. He should drink some water from my water dispenser. He’s getting a cup from the cabinet. Hopefully he’ll take that cup and press it up against… oh, he’s getting ice. For the Grapefruit Spindrift he just grabbed. Sigh. It’s as if he wants to have a headache.

5:07 PM – He’s been standing here with my door open for at least 30 seconds now. He hasn’t moved. He’s just staring inside me. He knows this is costing his energy bill to go up, right? And it just ends with him closing my door. He accomplished nothing. This dude can't even eat his boredom properly.

5:09 PM – Again with the staring and doing nothing. Two minutes later, you thought I would magically have a new selection of food in here? I’m not David freaking Blaine, dude.

6:39 PM – The thawed chicken breast in my drawer is starting to rot. The baking soda that he put inside me five years ago is emanating odors now, instead of absorbing them. I have to inform the avocados that they’re not going to make it. These are always the toughest conversations to have.

Hi Sam,

Hope this email finds you…

Guiltily doing the New York Times crossword instead of keeping an eye on your kid at the park. 


Texting with your mom about the protein shake she recommended while in the middle of an all-hands staff meeting.

Waiting for your Trader Joe’s burrito to finish cooking in the microwave, which you’ll have 5 minutes to cram into your mouth and digest before going back to work.


Watching a documentary on factory farms that you put on to feel smart, but you realized within 20 minutes that you were in over your head and now you’re on TikTok.

In the washroom but still on the toilet for way longer than you should be, repeatedly telling yourself you’ll get up after finishing “one more round” of your online poker game.


Polishing off a bag of Doritos and impressed with yourself for being able to navigate your phone with your one non-greasy index finger.


Absolutely soaking wet because your dog handles a bath like a nightmare through the nine circles of hell, and now your partner won’t stop saying “I told you to wear an apron, why didn't you wear the apron?”

Taking a well deserved two-hour break after spending all but 10 minutes cleaning the living room, 8 minutes of which was spent trying to locate your cleaning supplies.

Saying “Of course!” when someone asks if you watch “Yellowjackets,” then abruptly changing the subject because you haven’t seen a single episode of “Yellowjackets.”

Dead tired in bed at 1:00AM but scrolling through the 57 Instagram reels your buddy sent you.

Praying for the destruction of all mankind when you eventually get up after snoozing your alarm three times.

Once again replaying that embarrassing moment in your mind, when the movie theatre usher said “Enjoy your movie” and you replied back, “You too.”

(Chorus) He’s playing solitaire He loves that solitaire He’s playing solitaire He loves that solitaire

Verse 1: Solitaire is my favorite game I used to love basketball but now it’s lame I smoke the competition when I’m on the mic But I'll rock your world in a game of Klondike They call it “Patience” if you go overseas The Agnes variant is the bees knees I like the Westcliff too, the Tarot Nouveau I clear the deck like a plow through snow

Verse 2: Those eight-legged freaks don’t have me scared I spin my own webs in spider solitaire I knock down rows and I’m in full swing We go from the ace all the way to the king After every concert, the girls wait outside They wanna go to my place in my sweet ride I said OK girls, here’s what we’ll do I’m playing FreeCell on Windows, ya’ll can join too

Verse 3: Laura Rich goes with the flow She won a hundred fifty thousand games in a row And Simon Crumpton needs your respect A record 39 seconds to clear his deck But Gideon Greenspan, he’s good to wait Played for 30 hours and 1 minute straight Forget Wilt the Stilt and Dr. J These solitaire stars are here to stay

Verse 4: My crew said Kurtis, where have you been? Solitaire’s got you in a spin You haven’t left the house in 90 days The doctor said you need to change your ways I said I’m fine, I don’t need this crap Oh by the way, I’m done with rap I’ll set the stage with a table and comfy chair So everyone can watch me play solitaire!

Are you annoyed at constantly having to do work? Tired of waking up early in the morning to spend time on problems that take forever to solve? Looking for a job that would make the legend Kid Rock himself proud?

Then it sounds like you should become a Republican senator in the United States Congress! Get paid to do jack-squat in a role of immense responsibility, while reaping all of its glorious benefits.

Start by running for senator in your home state on a platform of divisiveness and vitriol. Build fear around a group of minorities and claim you'll protect your constituents from them. Promote your own climate change study and tell people it's caused by Nancy Pelosi's farts. Start a "Let's Go Brandon" chant at all your rallies. Remember, you'll win your campaign handily and effortlessly as long as you appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Once you're elected, go ahead and relax! Occasionally you might have to raise your sweet beautiful voice inside the senate chamber to vote "nay" on some frivolous issues that don't require your attention (healthcare, raising the minimum wage, women's rights, blah blah blah boring!), but the rest of the time you'll be in your fancy office, staring at the wall and taking frequent naps.

Soon your inaction will have you falling ass-backwards into Republican stardom and making a ton of profit, especially if something bad happens. Did a mass shooting occur in your neck of the woods? Send out your generic "thoughts and prayers" tweet and then follow that up by doing fuck-all to prevent more gun crimes! (The NRA money gets deposited into your bank account within two weeks of your tweet being posted.) Are there indiginous activists in your state blocking the construction of a new pipeline? All you need to do is sit there like a dumb oaf until the police make them magically disappear! This is where that "Blue Lives Matter" speech during your election campaign pays off.

Now, it's not all going to be easy. You should be prepared if the media catches you in a deeply compromising position, one that undoubtedly reveals just how hypocritical you are. Maybe, for example, you were caught paying for your mistress's abortion even though you outlawed that right in your state. Or you jetsetted to Turks & Caicos while your biggest city's power grid collapsed during a winter storm. When faced with these situations, simply release a generic apology that neither addresses your problem nor signals any growth in your humanity. Then you can go back to pondering the answers for the more important questions that keep you up at night, like "How do I avoid doing anything meaningful," "How come I'm so exhausted from doing nothing," and "How do women's body parts work?"

So if failing to accomplish a single thing is what you're into, and you hate that pesky feeling of being held accountable, become a Republican senator today! With your comatose leadership style, you can make sure no one in this country lives in peace and harmony... except you and your fellow Republican friends!

For my entire life, I've put my health and well-being above everything else. That's why the COVID-19 pandemic has been especially scary. Once the vaccine was made available to the public, I was surprised at how quickly people lined up to get it without hesitation. Well, I'm not that easy to convince -- especially when it comes to my health. Before I move forward with receiving my shot, I have some very important questions that you need to answer about the COVID-19 vaccine: What companies are making the vaccine? Has that been announced yet? This is important to me.

Where can I get the vaccine? Do I order it off Amazon?

The CDC says that the vaccines are effective in treating the coronavirus. But who is the CDC, and what does that even stand for?

  If Dr. Fauci is a real doctor, then why doesn't he have a daytime TV show? I've done a lot of research and have come to my own conclusions. Is there a way I can send my findings to the world's top COVID-19 scientists, who I'm sure would love to hear from me?

Is it true Olivia Rodrigo was at the White House talking about vaccines? Because I would feel betrayed if we found out this whole vaccine rollout was a ploy to promote her new album. The American people deserve more transparency.

  What ingredients do they use to make the vaccine, and how come the recipe isn't available online so that I can make it myself at home?

I've heard that the vaccine alters a person's DNA. Does that mean people who are vaccinated will have superpowers? Do I get to choose which superpowers I want to have?

I took shots for hepatitis, polio, and measles when I was in kindergarten class. In order to be eligible for the COVID-19 vaccine, do I have to be enrolled in a school somewhere?

  Is the LGBTQ community allowed to get the vaccine as well? Because if not, then I will pass out of solidarity. It's 2021, and that would be unacceptable.

My doctor says that women who are pregnant can still get the vaccine. But can someone explain to me how women even get pregnant?

Welcome, landlords and realtors, to Bad Real Estate Photography 101, the course where we show you how to take extremely unhelpful photos of the apartments and homes that you plan to list on various websites.

ORDERING YOUR PHOTOS It would make sense to start off with the exterior of the home. However, we highly recommend going with a horror-like shot of the dingy laundry room instead. You want the person viewing your listing to immediately think, "Am I looking at a home, or behind-the-scenes stills from SAW?" Next, you can show off the first floor bathroom with two of its light fixtures missing, the weed-infested backyard, and then the untidy garage. The key is to build the tenant's anticipation for pictures of the main areas, like the living room, bedrooms, and kitchen, by lowering expectations first. ANGLES AND LIGHTING Even though you know nothing about the rules of photography, this is where you can get creative. Feel free to place the camera at extremely high angles or right smack dab on the floor, where nothing can be seen or determined. Be sure to shake the camera as you take the photo for that added blur effect everyone loves. Make sure to light every room in grayscale tones, with just a few rays of natural light, to give off that "stay in bed until noon because I'm so depressed" vibe that everyone looks for in a home.

  WATERMARKING Even though your photos are incredibly awful, it's important that you watermark each image so that people know your leasing company's name and where they can contact you. To ensure that no one can see the more important details of your house, like the color of the kitchen backsplash or the amount of space in the living room, place the watermark directly in the center of the image and make it obscenely large. It's not about what the tenant can see, it's about making sure they know who you are -- on every single picture!

APARTMENTS: MIXING PICTURES OF TOTALLY SEPARATE UNITS This is a deceptive trick that every person looking for an apartment loves: to include photos of a totally separate unit than the one you're leasing. Does the other unit have a refrigerator but this one you're leasing doesn't? Is the other unit a bachelor but the one you're leasing is a studio? No need to make any of that useless information apparent in the pictures. That's what the description section is for. A simple "Photos may not match actual unit" will completely absolve you of any wrongdoing. Some may say this ends up being a waste of time for the tenant, but anybody looking for a house has plenty of time to waste!

Popcorn is to be sold in small, medium, or large sizes. But if someone orders the large, and/or adds any extra butter or seasoning, concession stand workers must shrug their shoulders in a passive-aggressive fashion and say, “So I guess you’re not even going to try to lose weight then?”

Every chair is fully equipped with a cup holder, trays, purse holder, phone holder, seat warmers, seat coolers, blankets, foot rest, pillow, and a sleep mask in case the movie is boring.

A five minute interval will be added in between trailers so that moviegoers have time to share their thoughts with one another before the next trailer plays.

Texting and talking is allowed. Make sure that the bright white light of your phone disrupts the darkness of the theatre. Remember to let others know during your conversation, whether on a call or SMS, that you are in fact “watching a movie.”

An usher who has seen the film will be on stand-by to answer any lingering questions about the plot as it’s happening. Raise your hand and they will come to you.

Subtitles are added to every film, and will be distractingly big.

Moviegoers can adjust the volume using the knob on their arm rest, ranging from almost mute to ear-shattering loud.

If any moviegoer needs to go to the washroom or go for a walk because they’re bored, they can simply yell “PAUSE!” really loud, and the movie will stop until they return. As a result, please note that screenings for movies that are 90 minutes long typically last 6 hours.

Credits will list actors as they are recognized by audience members rather than their actual names. For example, Mark Wahlberg will be credited as "That Guy From Daddy's Home 2"

Theaters will not show any of that “confusing sci-fi crap our son likes” and instead exhibit a wide variety of films, such as: melodramas where the love interest (preferably the man) is sick, dying, or injured; period dramas set in 1700s high society London where a rich princess falls in love with a filthy commoner; and mindless action movies riddled with explosions and hot girls.

As the hair on your adult male head, let me first start off by saying that you should be ashamed of yourself. I cannot tell you how embarrassed I am to be this long and unkempt.

For one year you’ve been indoors. And during that time, you didn't spare a single thought for how to style me. Well now, I’ve got waves that would make Jimmy Neutron jealous. My bangs are growing like the wheat fields of Saskatchewan. My sideburns are thicker than a shag carpet from the 70s. Combine all of that with your girlfriend's botched attempt to cut me, and I look like a pompadour had sex with a mop top.

Even though you're quarantining at home, you’ve still been visible to your co-workers on zoom meetings. You also run into people when you go outside to walk, or shop for groceries. Meanwhile, you just let me roam free, unbound, naked to the world like some wild animal? I guess all I’m worth to you is a quick spritz of water and a millisecond combing session. Yeah, you’re a real Vidal Sassoon. If this situation continues, you’ll need Edward Scissor Hands because a regular barber won’t be able to help you.

I wish just for once you can do a bit of research on conditioners, sprays, and shampoos. Then you'll realize that hair care is self care, pal. If you make me feel good, the rest of you will too. Have you ever heard of volumizing? Minimizing breakage? Cleansing oils? How about microbeading me, motherfucker? With the right (sulfate-free) hair regiment, both during and after my wash, you could have me looking slick like "Old Town Road" Billy Ray Cyrus. Instead you have me looking like "Achy Breaky Heart" Billy Ray Cyrus. Is that honestly the Billy Ray Cyrus you aspire to be?

I was getting ready for a big celebration today. My family gathered around on Christmas morning to open our presents. I had a tremendous haul this year. I got so many gifts from people I didn't even expect to receive. When it comes to the amount of presents I got this year, it's safe to say no one can catch me.

So when I finished opening them all, I expected my mom and dad to surprise me with a final gift - a giant wrapped rectangular shaped box that they had possibly been hiding in our garage since early December. But lo and behold, after I opened the size-too-big sweater Nana got for me, my parents said, "Well, looks like that's all the presents this year. Merry Christmas, everyone!"

Quite frankly, this just doesn't make any sense at all. As far as I'm concerned, the outcome of this Christmas is not yet determined until we know, for certain, whether or not I'll be receiving Sony's latest gaming console, the Playstation 5. In fact, I think I actually did get a PS5. My parents are probably bluffing right now because the shipment is delayed. So you see, I should have a PS5 to be playing right now. Yet I see my dad watching basketball on TV, mom's in the kitchen making cookies, and my siblings are playing with legos as if Christmas Day is over and all the presents have been doled out.

Unless I do not get the PS5 that is rightfully mine and should be in my hands, this will be remembered as a travesty of a Christmas Day. It's an embarrassment to Jesus and Christianity as a whole. This is a very big moment for children everywhere. I'm gonna be going to that fraud Santa Claus's house in the North Pole (which has always been a communist-socialist state) and making sure his Naughty Or Nice List is in order. I have been nice all year long. Meanwhile, my friend Nate is clearly naughty because he got suspended at school for throwing his sandwich at a substitute teacher on a dare. And I just saw on his Tik Tok that he got a PS5 with Assassin's Creed!

It's so obvious that the whole Naughty Or Nice List is rigged. Who are the elves that are overseeing this process? They're not even allowed in the room as Santa is making these evaluations. But don't worry - I already have Rudolph pressuring the big guy to change that rule.

My parents are asking me to be helpful in the transition to New Year's Day. But if I still don't have a PS5, which I made very clear throughout the month of December that I wanted, then the results of this year's Christmas presents are still not yet complete and it's too early to call. Sure, I'll help take down the lights and the tree. But it worries me, and it should also worry you, that this year's gift-giving was not accurately or carefully carried out. We need answers as to why there was a missing PS5 for Christmas this year. It's a battle for justice - not just for me, but for all people who missed out on their PS5s.

Family Dinner Options

John's wife and kids watch as he enters their home address into Google Maps on the magic wall, then uses his fingers to zoom out. Multiple restaurants in the area are flagged with red pins.

Well, we're all familiar with the Applebee's over in Dekalb County. Dekalb County as everyone knows has three Applebee's locations, that's a net gain of two locations since 2016. But in 2018, they lost our business to the Cheesecake Factory right here in Fulton County. Their food portions were massive. If you recall, we brought a ton of it back home and ate it the next day. But we also had to wait 1 hour to be seated - not ideal, as the large turnout isn't favorable for us. It doesn't appear that another visit to Cheesecake Factory is on the cards. 

Instead, we shift our attention to Gwinnett County, where there's a new Red Robin that has surged in popularity the last few days in our household. This could be the next big one, folks. And no surprise that this comes after our disappointing outing to Chilli's last week in Cobb County. Chilli's in Cobb was a surefire success in 2008, and 2012, but failed to capture that same young generation in 2016. It's still too early to call, and we want to take our time here. I understand we're hungry. We have to let the process play out. But based on recent trends and the latest data, if you're a Red Robin fan, you've gotta be pretty happy right now...

John's family sneaks out of the room. Not realizing they're gone, he just continues to yammer away. Vacation Destinations

John gathers his family around the magic wall and opens up Google Earth.

Well look, here's the facts - in 2018, we went to Barcelona. Our last trip. Barcelona is in Catalonia. As we know the President of Catalonia at that time was Quim Torra. A bit of a wild election because Torra was elected when the Spanish courts blocked the other three candidates. We spent a majority of our time in the populated Barcelona region, like over here at the landmark Ciutat Comtal. We enjoyed a nice walk through this section over here, at the beach of La Barceloneta towards Port Olimpic. We also did branch out to rural areas and landscapes, populated by the mostly blue collar workers in the Girona and Lleida regions, which had massive turnouts in the regional elections of 2015. 

But due to a rise in busy schedules in our household, along with a seismic shift in how we want vacations to feel like, the "10 day tropical resort" option is the frontrunner. Now we all remember the debacle of Cousin Mark's destination wedding in Cabot, where two unnamed family members got drunk and threw up in the pool. But heading back to that region with just our family is not only doable, but also economical. We can try Bermuda, which is over here, or maybe Turks and Caicos over there. 

John looks away from the wall. Day has turned into night. His family, exhausted, has passed out on the couch. Buying Ikea Furniture 

With his wife waiting in the car, John pulls up the IKEA floor map on the magic wall.

OK, so if we look over here, the dining table sets are on the first floor in the right hand corner. These are your Mörbylångas, your Skogstas, and your Möckelbys. Now if we tap on the Mörbylångas, you'll see it has one five star review on the IKEA website. Pretty high rating, but can you purchase something based on one review? Well, we have to be patient. It's still too close to call, so we have to go there and inspect. Next on this floor, if we just scroll through here, there's not much - we don't need any of these Hemnes bookshelves, or the storage combination units like the Bestå, or the sturdy Kallax. We can just walk through here, but it may be difficult. Usually there's a large amount of foot traffic through this area. I'm just gonna circle it and you can see, hour by hour as the magic wall data will show you, that it rises exponentially after store opening. 

John's wife begins honking the horn multiple times. She gives up and drives off. Social Media Drama

On the magic wall, John opens a browser with multiple tabs.

Here we have the Facebook profile of Shirley open. Shirley is a trusted family friend. We know this as we've known her for 30 years. She dropped a bombshell by posting disproven claims about the election with the hashtag #stopthesteal. It has 15 reactions and over 200 comments. In the business we call that getting "ratio'd". 

So let's scroll through some of these comments here. Here's one from Mark. Zooming into his profile picture, it's clear he's wearing Oakley sunglasses and he's taken the picture in his car. His comment: "Biden sucks balls #MAGA". So when you put it all together, that's not surprising coming from Mark. He's a surefire supporter of Shirley's recent post, no question.

I should also point out a lot of these comments are GIFs. We'll just scroll through them quickly here. Here's one from the 1996 film "A Very Brady Sequel," in which Marcia Brady says to Jan Brady, "Sure, Jan." By the way, that film earned 21 million against its 15 million dollar budget. Not a great return, but it did spawn that GIF so maybe not all was lost there. And then there's about 25 comments here that are 7000 words each. We obviously can't read them all, but they mostly contain a roundup of all the misdeeds by the now former President. And I'm just now seeing another 5 comments have been added, taking our total to 205. We'll keep monitoring this situation as it unfolds.

John's wife can only shake her head. She apologizes to her dinner guests. Annual Check-Up

The Doctor is astonished as John has somehow set up his magic wall in the office. A 3D model of John's upper body appears on screen.

Now, Doc, let's look up top at the respiratory system here. Check out this evolution of my lungs over time. Here they are in 2008. They look good, right? That was a watershed year, when I first got this magic wall. And then here they are again in 2012. A bit more collapsed. And that starts to become a trend. Then in 2016, it looks even worse. You said it's because I never stop talking and then you gave me a puffer that year to help control it, which ended up working pretty well. Here's a snapshot of my lungs now, in 2020. Clear as a bell.

But here's a new issue. Let's move up to my head. Let's open up the top of my skull and look at my brain. There it is. As you can see, the cerebral cortex region is just completely inflamed. You can see the color there - it's totally red. But if you look at this image from before I got my magic wall, in 2007, that same region blue. It looks normal. In 2012, however, that blue started to fade away. Clearly my cerebral cortex was flipped red - what caused this? Well, let's try and find the answer. There's a battleground situation happening here.

The Doctor writes John a prescription for Zoloft, Ambien, and horse-grade tranquilizers. In The Bedroom

John stands beside his magic wall, wearing just boxers. His wife, on top of the covers and dressed in lingerie, looks defeated. An overhead shot of their bed is shown on screen. Now honey, before we start, I just wanted to point out two key battleground areas. First, right here in the middle of the bed. This is the spot where we get into our usual position. Back in 2012, you wanted me to be on top. But in 2016, you wanted to be on top. Will there be another swing this year in 2020? Well, based on your recent trip to the chiropractor for back pain, I think it's not a total shock if it does indeed slip. Right now it's too close to call, but we'll see how things play out through the night.

Another key battleground - over here, in your nightstand drawer, are the handcuffs. You've tried numerous times to incorporate them into our love making to spice things up. Well, we can now project that I will once again refuse to wear them. This was a safe projection as I'm not yet comfortable with this particular kink. However, there was a significant effort at the grassroots level to flip this decision, and as a result, it was a lot closer than in previous years. Wolf, over to you.

Going For a Hike

Hiking provides a physical and mental boost to your system, and serves as the perfect distraction from what's happening with election results. It's also proven to decrease stress and depression, while lowering your blood pressure and risk of heart disease. If you haven't already, find a local trail and begin going on daily hikes. You'll need to be in your best condition for when the Second Civil War begins. 

Knitting

Borrow your grandmother's kit and pass the time away with knitting! Leave the chaos of the nation behind and improve your focus by creating a tangible piece of clothing you can be proud of. For beginners, it usually takes several days to knit an item such as a scarf, but that time could be longer if your hands won't stop shaking with anxiety as you ask "What is gonna happen?" and "When will we fucking know?" and "Oh my god, is he really gonna win? No, he's not gonna win, is he?"

Learning The Guitar 

One of the greatest ways to keep yourself entertained and having fun during a time of crisis is to master an instrument, and there's no better instrument to learn than a guitar. You can hire an instructor, teach yourself how to play using apps and other online services - or better yet, just buy a guitar and smash it to smithereens for some much needed catharsis and rage relief.

Listening To Music

The ultimate form of escapism! Just remember to wear noise-cancelling headphones and blast the music loud enough until your ears bleed and you lose your hearing and you're finally at peace.

Running

For exercise, and hopefully not for your life.

Screaming Into Your Pillow Perfect for relieving all kinds of tension - not just political.

Going On Vacation

To our most cherished family and friends, This is Zach, with some life-changing news. Shana and I would like to announce that after many hours of having sex with each other, she is finally pregnant and we will be having our first child!

We are incredibly excited to not only start this journey, but also to share the joy with our parents -- who will soon be grandparents! Shana's dad, in particular, playfully asks us about our pregnancy plans at every Sunday brunch. Well, Mr. Manfield, I have porked your daughter for many years, and it has finally paid off!

  I also want to thank both Mr and Ms. Manfield for screwing each other in 1982 to create my soulmate, Shana! I remember when I first locked eyes with her at my friend Luke's party and thought, "That is a person who I would like to be with, and also eventually have sex with." I took my shot to ask her out, and we completely hit it off. 

I look back to our first date, when I took Shana for dinner and a movie. I was so nervous to wrap my arm around her, but I thought to myself, "Maybe if I do this, it will indicate that I would like to have sexual relations with her at a later time when we both know each other more." 

And then, three years later, my hand was trembling as I held the ring in my pocket. But on the top of the Empire State Building, I finally popped the question: "Are you okay to let me sleep beside you, and occasionally have sex with you, for the rest of your life?" After the wedding, the pressure was on because every one of you kept saying that the next step is to start a family, which basically means you're telling us to hump like rabbits until a few babies pop out of Shana. Well, the first one is on it's way!

We kept the news to ourselves for a little while now. But here's how it happened: 3 months ago, Shana initiated it when I got home from work, by shouting to me from the bedroom: "I'm ovulating! Hurry up and get that penis in here!" And that's when I knew it was time, and we were ready to have sexual intercourse. (And also maybe a kid.)

Dear Moose,

Thank you for delivering the first draft of LOST AND FOUND. The studio is excited to develop this project! We could totally see your vision on the page, and it matched the same one that you pitched us in the room. My colleagues still talk about your rambunctious energy that day. (Steve was clearly the target of your excitement, but he enjoyed the affection you gave him. And don’t worry - that drool stain you left on his blazer came right out!)

Everyone here immediately grasped what you were going for - a gritty character-driven drama, led by an unlikely protagonist, COOPER, who is on the hunt for his lost  keepsake, and will stop at nothing to find it. It’s a concept that is sure to take moviegoers on a transcendent journey. We want to keep the spirit of this amazing story alive. And to do that, we have just a few headline notes to go through, and then a few minor page notes to conclude.

THE KEEPSAKE AS A MOTIVATION

Moose, we think this item needs to function as a narrative device for this story. It’s our “Rosebud”. We’re craving more depth and context that can connect to his motivation. Did Cooper get this item when he was a puppy? Does it remind him of his lost youth? As well, it feels like Cooper loses focus throughout the script – he’s determined to find the item in the first act, but then the second act becomes all about getting Fluffy's attention. This romantic arc ultimately fizzles when Cooper mates with Fluffy twice in one day, but more importantly, Cooper completely forgets about the item until it pops back into his head in the third act. While knowing it will improve in the next draft, right now we find it hard to track Cooper’s emotions throughout. We suggest using much more of the script's real estate on the main narrative with Cooper and the item.

THE OBJECT OF DESIRE

Speaking of which – we wanted to suggest a more distinctive item. We’re not entirely taken with Cooper’s object of desire being a grey sock. Could we pivot to something a bit more vibrant and recognizable? We know at one point you were really excited about a tennis ball that squeaks, and we wouldn't mind using that instead! However, we also think it's an opportunity to bring a background character to the forefront - the one who Cooper calls HUMAN MAN WHO GIVES ME FOOD. Maybe that character gave Cooper a giant bone when he was just a baby, and now that bone is missing? We'll leave the specifics to you!

COOPER’S BIGGEST OBSTACLE

We’d love to find a clearer and more primary enemy for Cooper to go up against. You have a number of supporting characters that stand in the way of his journey to find the grey sock, but we think that building one of them into a more formidable antagonist can increase the pace and urgency of your story. I think the CAT character is the easiest to do this with. She scratches the furniture, leaves her own hair everywhere, urinates and defecates in the house -- we know she will strike a chord with our audience. Cat already comes across as one of the most cold, calculating, and ferocious villains in movie history! We think you should definitely play into their conflict. Meanwhile, we’re not entirely on board yet with Cooper’s distrust and hatred towards THE MAILMAN. Unless we add a specific conflict between Cooper and THE MAILMAN, we can’t buy the premise that he’s evil just yet.

PAGE NOTES

(4-10) DIALOGUE: We don’t think the subtext of Cooper peeing on the grass is coming through. Can we add an intense and dark line here along the lines of “I’m marking my territory”?

(28) CUT: Since we discussed and agreed upon a PG-13 rating, we cannot show Cooper taking Fluffy from behind "with the intense rhythm of a jackhammer". However, we can compromise and leave in the sequence where Cooper aggressively sniffs Fluffy’s butt.

(45) SUGGESTION: We would love to add something else to this dream sequence. Is there another element that ties into Cooper’s psyche a bit more, aside from the beef jerky treats that engulf the screen?

(56, 58, 62, 64, 70, 72, 74, 82, 85, 89, 92, 95, 98, 101, 102) CUT: Let’s limit Cooper’s incessant barking whenever someone enters the house or hears an unexplained noise.

(120-125) CUT: This long squirrel chase scene in the backyard feels way too out of sync with the rest of the script. We're not really sure what the objective is here. In fact, you should do another pass that just specifically addresses Cooper's poor attention span.