This is a brain dump. Everything is hard right now and I just need to get these thoughts out of my head. So, this is probably gonna be all over the place and kinda incoherent.

I try my best to keep to myself and do my own thing without bothering anyone. But people seem to aggressively refuse to let me have any peace. Everyone and everything just feels so mentally and emotionally hostile. It’s like a constant barrage of people violating my boundaries, constant disrespect. I’ve grown to feel like the vast majority of people are inherently evil. They are either downright mean (directly or passively), extremely judgmental, or just too stupid for anyone’s good. I hate that i feel like that, I don’t want to feel so nihilistic. I want to see the best in people …but I can’t.

For my own piece of mind, it seems like the only option is to escape. Physically escape. Escape to someplace in the middle of nowhere, far away from everyone. Escape the workforce.

Like i’ve tried to just keep my head down and grind it out just enough to survive work day after day. I try my best to push against the constant forces working to physically/mentally/emotionally burn us all out. It’s a loosing battle. It’s hopeless. PTO is useless, vacations don’t seem to help much. It feels like the only option is to retire, like RIGHT NOW - but that’s simply not possible. I just need to live well below my means so that I can save the vast majority of my income and get out of the workforce ASAP. But, i’ve been doing that for 8 years, idk if I can do this for another year, or 5 years, let alone 20.

I just want to be by myself, live with a few pets, grow some food, cook, read some books, enjoy some good movies, get back into some kind of art again. I don’t want friends anymore. I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want to be around family. I just want to be alone, near nature, and with the animals, in peace. Animals seem to be the only living thing I can form a positive connection with anyway. My friends hurt me, my family hurt me, my co-workers hurt me, strangers hurt me. I can’t do all that anymore.

idk…

My tiktok fyp keeps telling me i’m high masking autistic. And maybe I am. Maybe that’s why I feel like this. I used to think that I had C-PTSD from a whole host of emotionally traumatic events in my life. Those two diagnosis seem to have overlapping presentations. But maybe being autistic is inherently traumatic and those situations stem from that.

idk… yeah… idk…

I genuinely think I need a grippy socks vacation now more than ever before. I also don’t think there is any chance in hell I’d actually check myself in anywhere.

So, I’ll just continue to raw dog this shit alone while the entire world crumbles around me.

I honestly feel like I wasn’t built properly to cope in this kind of society. I can’t maintain friendships. I can’t build relationships. I don’t even feel anything but resentment, animosity and judgement from my family. I’m exhausted. I just wanna be left alone.

I need like a good 6 months without having to see/talk to/hear about another person. But I know that’ll never happen.

The only thing that makes sense to me rn (and I know it’s probably stupid) is to like up and move myself across country to somewhere where I don’t know anyone, restart and try again. I don’t think I can, or want to fix any of these current problems. I’d rather let the relationships fade than continue this minimal facade.