The Greenfield

Hi.

I am coming here because I am losing it again.  I am extremely stressed and sad. I was thinking of killing myself again. Good thing, I have surpassed that.  I noticed whenever I am going through a cycle, the climax is the time I mostly want to die by hurting myself.

I got promoted today! Yehey! I got promoted from the staff level to the supervisory level. I am happy, but not surprised or in an explosive way. Maybe because I was already given new tasks which I am doing currently. It gave me hint that I am going to be promoted. Anyway, I will do my best in my new role and I will make sure to grow in all the aspects of being a human - career-wise and human person-wise.

I hope God gives me the strength to move forward and to face adversities in times of hardships. May I stay calm and collected in times of chaos. May I plan my work strategically and be flexible in times of change.

Finally, I hope that in the midst of this rapid growth and changes, may I still have the chance to do other things outside my work and related to the things I personally want to get into. I hope and pray that should these chances come upon me, may I be able to grab them.

The pain you feel you need to stay The pity as I look at myself No choices in the table Take whatever in the plate and stay

Continue whatever you are doing Don’t look at other ways Walk the path obviously in in your sight Don’t hesitate, just climb the pyramid

Looking for more yet afraid to unclasp Is nothing better for me Or, I am not good for any? Just take every painful move to continue

Hi! I am Sam, the owner of this blog. I am back here after 6 years. 2015. OMG. It’s 2021 and I can’t believe how much I have grown and changed. I was just a student back then. I was a 2nd-year Accountancy student. Now I am a working person. I can’t believe I was able to finish my studies on time. I mean - not that I doubted myself back then. It’s just I did not expect that I would be able to graduate and pass the boards. Woah! 6 years. You know what? I just really winged my college days. Hehehe. Kidding! Of course I also put effort. I also worked hard, especially during the review season. During college, I did have a lot of things on my plate. I was working as a student assistant. I joined dancing/cheer dance competitions. I was appointed as one of the officers of our program (course) organization. I enjoyed bonding with my friends. You see, I am pretty social. I was pretty active back then. In my final year (5th), I tried to focus on my studies. I did quit from other stuff. Parties and bonding with friends were still present but minimized. We also did group study sessions. Good thing, I was able to pass and graduate last 2019. After that, I immediately enrolled in a review school and spent 4 months preparing for the licensure exam. Focused and determined - I was able to pass the boards!

It’s 2021 now. It’s my 2nd year of working as an Audit Associate in a professional services firm. I work from home due to the pandemic.

Ma’am Gladys tried to read my personality and say something about it. Well, she usually does it. She’s like a psychologist. She likes reading someone’s personality. And, guess what? She hardly fails. I like what she said to me a while ago. She told me that she can see through my eyes that I have never felt too much suffering in my life. Maybe, she meant that I have never walked in to problems and struggles in my life.

At the first hear, I told her that what she said was barely true. In fact, my family have stroll a lot of problems. I also had a lot frustrations and emotional problems before. I, myself, become miserable at times so it is not true that I am scarcely to have problems.

However, she defended her forecast about me by stating samples and past situations. In that moment, I realize she is right. I get easily affected and depressed whenever I am being criticized by others especially when it is negative; I have a large tendency to be too much sensitive; I easily cry whenever I get scolded badly; and the list of proofs in my mind goes on.

I easily give-up on things. I don’t take risk because I am afraid. I play safe. I am dependent to what my parents will recommend for me. I easily decide to change routes if the way is hard. I can always say ‘ayoko na’ if I get board and tired. Although I don’t let others think for me, I can hardly notice that I let others decide for me. I just go with flow. I let other solve problems for me. I give my decisions to fate. I am very in to saying, “kapag nakatadhana nang mangyari, mangyayari na talaga iyon.” 

I'm impressed. She said that overall, I am a free-spirited and light person. I never keep things in my heart  whether it is such a good or bad thing. Not a sentimental type of person.

However, the negative side is: person like me are dependent and cannot make own decision especially when it’s too big. Big enough to affect a part of my life.

Now I know why only few of my friends ask for my advice especially when it concerns to problems. Maybe, they also see in my eyes what Ma’am Gladz sees.

I asked her what to do to remove the bad sides of my personality. She suggest for me to practice more on solving my own problems and avoiding passing it to anybody else.

But, what I still cannot believe is how fast I changed from being a control freak into a free spirited person. Yes, I used to be dictatorial when I was in high school. Everything is so tight. Pressure, expectations, competitions, comparisons, critics pushed me to become one.

I always want everything in my manner, in my ways. I should be like this. I should be like that. I must be the one on top that is why I always cut trees just to draw roads for my gait.

Yeah. It has been a long time since I wrote my last entry. I wish I have a lot more time to post and write special and important things, events and vines.

When I was still in High School I always wanted to go all the things in my way. Others called me 'dictator' or 'bossy girl'. I always desire to control everything that involves me. 

When I walked to college, i realized that being such a control freak is a childish thing.  i learned how important democracy is in every way, like for example, in a group work, or in a personal activity which only deals with myself.

I always mentally note myself that if a thing is bound to happen then it will. But, if fortune and chances came, take grant of it and that's the time you can use the best side of one person to control your life and what ever the results will be.