"You're just as sane as I am"

Could have been because the entirety of those chapters was absolutely gutting, but yeah, that admission elevates not only Qifrey's character but the whole story and narrative itself. Because yes, it is wrong to become an educator just to satisfy some personal, selfish needs - no matter how crucial or life-saving, like Qifrey's case. Teaching should never be about or for the teacher.

As an educator myself (though of a much different variety than Qifrey) it even makes me laugh because like, dude most of us consider this anxiety as one of the biggest hurdles we have to handle for the love of our work, and that anxiety was your main reason to take that job??? On the other hand, there were multiple other things he could have done to instill some anxiety in himself, but he wanted to honour Olruggio's sacrifice and thus try to find a way that made him as content as possible while also giving him something to worry about. And the path he leaned towards was education. Maybe it was a subconscious thought, because he admits he didn't expect to enjoy being a teacher so much. But yeah, considering this job allows him to stay in one place - the place where he and Olruggio stargazed as kids - and nerd out about magic, and at the same time provides an excuse to have Olruggio by his side, it not only shows that there were more things pushing him towards that career path, it speaks volumes that from the first moment he disapproved of his own "need for anxiety" enough to dedicate his life into actually doing the job right. Like yes, his reasons weren't the most appropriate for the situation, but he was determined to make up for it by being so good at it that the selfish (or more like self-protective) source of his choice wouldn't impact anyone else, especially his apprentices.

And then he ends up actually liking it. That part where he says what a delight it is to see your students grow and learn? That's one of my absolutely favourite things about teaching - something I didn't expect and didn't realize until some time into doing the job.

we thought qifrey was being selfish here, not knowing that at least twice (to olruggio, his beloved frien, and coco, his beloved apprentice) has basically asked them to just let him die in peace at last. but they wont let him go they keep desperately asking him to stick around and find a solution because they love him and dont want him to die.

and its not selfish of olruggio or coco either because they know that in the end qifrey doesnt want to die. nobody wants to die they just want to stop suffering. qifrey loves the life he's made, the atelier, his apprentices, and olruggio.

now we know what that his monologue in chapter 40 is not that he's unhappy or chasing the brims out of pure revenge. it's Actually about the fact that his life has been Too good. Hes been too close to achieving comfort, complacency even, just pure peace despite everything about the world. And thats bad. Thats bad because not only can he not have that for himself or he will die but also he knows that the caps are trying to do that to other people out there. so he has to let that consume a part of him, just fill him with rage and resentment and unfinished business to stay alive

This is due to several ressons, but I think a major is how our view of him progresses throughout the story.

When we first meet him, we are lead to believe he is a very strict and grumpy man who happens to have a small soft spot for children. It's the first instance where Coco realises that she is an extremely unique case that is actively breaking the rules ofthe witches. Olruggio, at this moment, is reminding us that we need to be very scared about Coco's secret getting leaked.

Then we see him in more instances. He makes cloth and fabric as well, and grows attached as Coco shows genuine interest in his creations. He admires the passion that she has for it. He becomes more humanised andess of a threat to Coco's secret in our eyes.

This is also slight foreshadowing, seeing the sheer passion that Coco has for magic. I'd like to think of how this is in contrast to Olruggio who clung to magic as a way to save people because it was expected of him.

The more and more we see of him, we get to see how much of a silent helper he is. His actions often speak far louder than his words, and he will provide aid without questions or invitation. He cares for people deeply and even if he scolds them, you can tell it comes from genuine concern.

This all leads you to believe that Olruggio is a man who is deeply empathetic and kindhearted, though he goes about it in a rough manner that isn't verbal, often. Something in direct contrast to the mess that Qifrey is, who seems to remain hungover something from his past that we are initially believe were just regarding his eye and memories.

Then the recent chapters throw that all out the window, building up to the moment in Chapter 93 where we have to recontextualise how we see Olruggio and come to the conclusion that he is in fact worse than Qifrey, and also the main cause of anxiety in him, which is meant to keep the silverwood seed inside of him at bay.

His saviour complex is the result of being a gifted child that had to deal with the pressure of people's expectations that he never asked for, but still took in, because him being empathetic s his fatal flaw.

He is a weird amalgamation of selfish and selfless, because he want to save people so that he can make up for the time that he couldn't. But that guilt weighs him down so heavily because he cares. A consequence of his own nature.

just saw a post on twitter about how Olruggio, despite being inherently selfless, is still selfish in the sense that he's willing to prolong Qifrey's suffering to keep him alive/by his side and I think that's probably my favorite aspect of his character.

like, I cannot tell you how much I love seeing this specific characterization it's just soooo good. I think that's why chapter 93, and really these pages specifically hit so hard for me:

because despite how terrifying the whole situation was for both of them and how hard Olruggio was masking to try and reassure Qifrey here, he was probably speaking entirely truthfully right here.

I've seen people say that the main purpose of him saying this was to try to comfort Qifrey in a roundabout way so he would agree to the memory wipe -- and while I do think that might have been a very small part of it, I think this was more an instance of Olruggio letting Qifrey in on how selfish he was being (also comforting Qifrey here might have been a little counterproductive anyway so)

Because just as Olruggio says, it would be infinitely more painful for him to either let Qifrey turn into a tree or wipe his memories because either way, he would either lose Qifrey to the tree or lose their friendship. So, selfishly, he chooses the option that allows him and Qifrey to stay together for as long as they want, at the cost of Qifrey's constant anguish.

(and while this is the less painful for him, I do want to acknowledge that it still is a painful path for Olruggio specifically, not just because of how fucked up this whole situation is, but because this kid has The Savior Complex of All Time and this plan puts him in a position where he has to live constantly suspecting his best friend is in trouble but won't confide in him or let him help in any way)

And what takes this even further into my point that this is an essential part of Olruggio's character and not just a one-time, desperate measure to keep his friend alive, is the fact that Qifrey mentions that Olruggio offers him the same path every single time he finds out.

Meaning, apart from probably just the most recent memory wipe (ch. 40), Olruggio learned the full truth of what's been happening since that day at the tower, forgave Qifrey for keeping it a secret (though I doubt there was much to forgive since it was his idea in the first place) and then watched Qifrey get Treed from the sheer relief of confessing.

He had to have seen how much pain Qifrey had to keep himself in (even if Qifrey didn't say all that specifically, I assume he could infer it from just how easily the silverroot took over after he found out) and still asked him to keep the same promise over and over, so they wouldn't have to be apart.

And Qifrey, being the king of self-deprication, sees this as a mercy on Olruggio's part and a sin on his own, while Olruggio knows he is being selfish in asking Qifrey to stay despite what it costs him.

So yeah basically. I just love that bit of duality in his character that, despite being someone who's literally centered their magic around bringing people comfort, his first priority (and most definitely a product of his death-based trauma as a child) is to make sure that the people he cares about are alive, regardless of the pain they may be in.