in my head i do everything right

Months ago @yannaryartside made this great post about their tattoos and now I want to share some of my favorite thoughts and observations, because the costume and makeup departments didn’t just give them random shit, they designed two matching, contrasting sets of personal iconography.

I have to start with the absolute blueprint of their dynamic.

See for yourself. This is my husband, the man lawfully married to me, Fan Chingyu.

in my case it definitely helps that I teach kids martial arts classes at a boxing gym with a lot of women. so little boys just factually cannot tell me that girls can't fight or aren't strong or something, because they're constantly surrounded by proof that isn't true. also rules are very different in a boxing gym so if a kid is being a little shit I'm allowed to pick them up and put them in upside down air jail. you probably can't do this in most contexts.

I think the biggest thing is that they need to see men and other boys listening to women. they're following the example that's been set for that. at home maybe their dad never listens to their mom, but when they show up at my class all the other boys are following my instructions. peer pressure is real and you can use it to your advantage. I make a point to tell the biggest buffest manliest dudes what to do in front of the little boys. now this works because those dudes already listen to me, but getting any dudes to follow your instructions could probably work.

the best punishment is the natural consequences of your behavior. if a kid isn't going to listen to me, he doesn't get to do class. this works because class is fun and he wants to kick stuff and hit people with noodles. kids want to have fun more than they want to misbehave. as long as listening to me is more fun than misbehaving, they'll listen.

because these boys are learning this behavior from their dads, the dads also tend to be the kind of tough strict emotionally distant parents that would yell at "girly" behavior or crying. even when I'm strict with the kids, I never yell, I obviously never hurt them, and I always listen. they want to yap at me about pokemon or youtubers. it can be tough when they're really sexist at the beginning but eventually they will show you something that their dad wouldn't approve of, whether they want a pink noodle or quietly mention they like a girly show. this is the part where you simultaneously act like it's no big deal while encouraging it. you need show it's completely normal for a boy to want or like that. if you can, bring up another boy or man they know who likes the same thing. I always show off my nails to the kids and bring over the guy who also paints his nails. you'll probably get "boys can do that?" comments and I usually just go "well he's a boy and he did it, so unless his hand falls off right now I think it's okay"

for me, it's always eventually gotten to a point where the boys realize that everyone else thinks it's normal to listen to women, and that if they want to have fun they need to listen too. they also realize that these people and these women are nicer and listen to them more than their dad does. they notice how all these nice people that make them happy talk to women very differently than their dad does. when those boys yelled at their dads for being rude to me, I made a point to thank them and say that they were right and their dads were rude.

from the report "Hidden Battlefields: Rehabilitating ISIS Affiliates and Building a Democratic Culture in Their Former Territories":

The value system transmitted by ISIS is also challenged in the classroom, for example by having women teaching and supervising the children. Ms Efrin explains: “These children have been taught by ISIS that it is a huge shame for them to be taught by a woman. In their mind they can only be taught by a man. And they regard anything that we teach them to be unworthy and against their religion, no matter what.” Female staff report that on their arrival, many of the residents refuse to look the women in the eyes, to shake their hands or to answer to their questions. Ms Derik reports: “When I first started working here the children were shocked and enraged when they saw me and understood that I would be their teacher. In the first class I gave them they refused to listen or participate. Some even refused to look at me. But after some time and many discussions they started to get used to me and the idea of having a woman as a teacher. Now, if I have been absent for a day, they come up to me and ask where I have been and why I did not come to class. So there is definitely improvement, but it takes time and patience.” The children also learn musical instruments, challenging the ban that ISIS had put on this practice.

*the recent attacks on DAANES by the Syrian government have led to escapes and raids on these camps, which has massively disrupted this system unfortunately

okay