Sooo... Funny Story...

Welcome back my old friend as depression creeps across my soul. The crushing pressure weighs on my body as I struggle to move through the day. I curl up in a ball and feel the tears fall again. So much pain inside and I just want to lay here.

Realization has hit me that my feelings can’t just disappear. Sometimes I miss the numbness when I did not care because I disappeared into my abyss of depression that swallowed me making me a machine.

What do you do when you find out the girl who shall not be named doesn’t like you? Normal people wallow in ice cream and cry. But me... well I get in my car at 9 pm and drive over 4 hours to my favorite beach and just wish I could keep going. Energy drinks and nicotine kept me going as I found myself on an empty beach at 1 am in the morning.

I recentered myself told myself I wouldn’t cry over her and then drove home.

Friend or cut her out. Walk away or close my heart and throw up the Great Wall of China around my heart and soul.

I love Year or Yes by Shonda Rhimes. I mean seriously. I LOVE this book. Literally read it in one morning laughing and in awe of this strong amazing woman. It is so inspiring, I need to start saying “yes!” I know over the last year I started participating more in life, less hiding out at home when I was not at work.

At the end of the book it made me want to live in Shondaland even more. Her characters and stories have been my sanctuary for years. I am able to escape life and for an hour a night feel like I was working in a hospital, courthouse or in DC.

Walls guard my heart. The heart that is pieces that has been taped and glued back together since I was three years old. First traumatized and abanndoned by my dad who then took my older siblings away, more trauma. The return of an older sister who then disappeared again and again and again. My tiny human self was angry, scared and terrified everyone else would leave too. It took me years and years before triggers let me see the unstable side of my mom. The woman I thought was my rock was definitely a bi-polar, depressive mess. I found refugee in my imagination. The outside of me saw a hero and a protector, but my insides were scared and afraid of everything. The flaws were hidden by my fear. That broken heart was held together by glue and I continued to run away in my mind.

Finished re-reading Demian. I love Hesse. The journey of the self. I love the exploration of good and evil and the way it is presented from a 10 year olds perspective following him all the way to being a solider at war. The example of Abel and Cain is one of my favorite sections of the book. It reminds me of how when I started studying religion I found myself questioning the stories within the Bible and the perspective that we are taught.

The battle between meeting expectations of the family and staying “good” or “righteous” is a battle that all humanity faces. Following expectations and yet trying to discovery answers to our questions is part of our evolution from being a child to adulthood. More importantly self identification and challenging what we know through learning from others (i.e. Demian and pistorious). Sometimes teachers and friends help us on our journey, but there are times (like Sinclair leaving Pistorious) that we leave people behind as we continue our journey of self discovery and to seek answers.

Usually I get over these lame crushes quickly. I hate that I have been drawn towards this person since I met them, but then realized like 5 months ago I was attracted to them. There are a million reasons why I shouldn’t be. I have scribbled lists, tried to avoid them and create goals for myself in order to stay busy because I know it’s not mutual.

So it’s time to put the list in print:

Selfish - never once have I ever heard her ask someone how they are.

Flaky - biggest con bc I have too many memories regarding moments when people didn’t show and it impacted me as a child. I mean hello text me that it won’t work to go to the beach, it sounded like you were making an excuse and didn’t want to say no - although you never had a problem saying no the other few times I asked you if you wanted to do something (yeah I’m kinda mad at myself for asking 3 times).

Drama queen - holy crap. It’s like she loves to be the center of attention and waits for the perfect moment to drop some crazy story.

Pretty sure she self sabatoges herself with relationships jumping back and forth between the same people using people for their things (maybe it’s good I’m poor). Pretty sure even if I had a shot she would end up breaking my heart.

The peeps who know us both tell me to run to hills because she isn’t good enough for me.

Not 100% sure she is honest. She tells these crazy stories and later on more of it comes out and I find that it’s not always matching with the last story.

Attention seeker - I know she is an only child I get that meant all attention on her but damn learn to interact better.

Only texts/messages/fb comments when she is bored. Literally doesn’t communicate then suddenly likes every post. WTF!!

Pros (clearly if I like her then there are good things too:

Brilliant - ugh ridiculous smart

Funny - her stories are dramatic and crazy but she tells them in an amazing way.

Open Book - it’s nice to see someone so open because my past trauma made me close down - it’s like the Great Wall protects me - only some people manage to make it past it and know me completely.

Adorable - she is impossible to read, but when she actually really smiles it’s real not fake.

Adventurous - always talking about traveling and she has been all over hiking/camping.

Awkward - she makes me not seem awkward at times. Her awkwardness is fucking adorable.

I thought I jinxed myself bragging that I never get the flu so I spent a couple days miserable with the chills. But then my leg started to hurt and swell up. It was an old injury where an internal bruise had been slowly shrinking. After spending a day in and out of sleep and finally taking my temp around 8 pm. I discovered I was running a fever of 103. I was like damn, I got the flu. I went to have my lef checked out in the morning at Urgent Care, triage took my vitals and looked at my leg. After checking with a doctor I was immediately sent to the ER due to a concern I was septic.

Twice in one week I broke. Emotions and feelings filled me like a wave crashing against the rock. My tough walls crumbled by words. Spoken words. Written words. Anger filled the air as stress devoured all common sense.

First the girl. The one who awoke the feels. Her awkwardness, smile and brilliant mind. You. The one who fills my thoughts. Your essence captured me. The rumors allow me to hear different versions of your history. Those who share your stories also whisper about your inability to love, to settle and be happy.

I ignore the rumors as I want to believe in change. But the words of my friends try to break the spell. Try to destroy my feelings. Love for me is hard. Maybe she will never see me but to tell me she is not good enough. To make me feel like I am nothing. Tears fall. I broke down. In the dark on a cold bench I cried. I let the pain consume me. Broken pieces of my heart that are held together by glue. I felt them start to fall apart as I begin to stop believing in love. There are no happy endings. Just pain. The girl who I can’t escape will never feel the same.

I put the doubt and pain back in the bottle. I pretend the last hour of tears never existed. But 48 hours more words came. Hatred, misunderstanding and accusation sent me fleeing for the ocean.

Escape.

Hide out of sight.

In my car I stare at the ocean. Tears fall freely as I hide my eyes behind dark shades. I stare fiercely into the red ball of fire as it slowly disappears behind the horizon.

Music has always been an outlet for me whether I’m listening, writing or playing. Earlier this year I stumbled across the band the Interrupters. For the first time in a long time I fell in love with a band, their music, message and stage presence.

I saw them twice so far. The performance at the Crystal Ballroom was amazing. I was pretty close to the stage and was in awe of the bands energy and talent.

These past couple months I came to the realization that I had lost my creative outlet. While I have increased my time in nature and make sure I am getting hikes and coast time, I have forgone my art, writing and book reading.

This year I am challenging myself to the Gilmore Girls reading list. This means I will read all the books I have not read yet plus some as there are other books I want to read as well

Current reads:

1. Dorthy Parker’s Complete Stories

2. Henry Rollins Black Coffee Blues

Obsessed with the Mindy Project! Apparently I have been living under a rock or something because I just realized the awesomeness of this show!  I am totally kicking myself for only watching the first episode when it came out and then didn't watch it again.  The pilot episode always sucks, even if it didn't, well I still probably wouldn't like it because the chemistry is never that great and the characters are never quite there.

After a lot of thinking I have decided to attempt to eliminate sugar out of my life.  I read A Year without Sugar: A Memoir and it was a definite motivator.  As a young child my family was very strict, we did not eat much sugar, no dairy and no meat.  Unfortunately as we grew up we began to eat more and more junk.  While I do not plan on becoming a vegetarian again, I do like the idea of eliminating the processed foods and sugars from my life.  I am hoping that between that and working out I can become healthier and lose weight.