if you are reading this, please dont hurt yourself

feel free to scroll past. this is just for me!

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what a fucking year. i did not expect to be alive right now. this year has been absolutely terrible. ever since my cat died things have gone so downhill. i made a plan to not be alive past christmas, because that was the 1 year anniversary of her death. i researched so so so much on how to die, went on all the websites, forums, read books, everything. there’s no good way to die. there’s nothing that is 100% foolproof. i got very close multiple times and semi attempted one, but never fully went through with it. mainly because of the fear of failure. i’ve been self harming a lot. I increased my lithium dose earlier in the year and have been seeing a therapist (CN) weekly. in January i’m staring TMS therapy, but will it help? idk. nothing can bring my cat back. she was my world. she brought me so much joy. i’ve been trying to take photos more this year, but i still am so suicidal.

feel free to scroll past, this is just for me!

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Feel free to skip past, these are just for me!!

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my god it’s literally been a year since I posted an update. I don’t even remember where I was at last year, I got a promotion at work maybe since I last posted. it’s been really good and i for the most part enjoy my job. i’m able to learn new things every day as cheesy as it sounds.

Medically, I think i’m about the same? I got an IUD a few months back in hopes of stoping my period, it hasn’t stopped yet but i’m hoping it does in the next few months. I see Dr. E about once every 3 months, she isn’t super helpful and it’s too stretched out of a time period for me to remember or talk about anything legit.

Work as good as it can be, is stressful. I recently presented to the CEO, which was insanely scary, but i did it somehow.

i’ve been more freaked out about germs ever since COVID. i’m the only person i know that still wears a mask at work and out in public. i just can’t break it, im terrified of getting sick. terrified. way more than i was pre covid.

Feel free to scroll past, this is just for me!