Hello

Therapist: Oh! Sounds like you need to do YOGA! That will help!

Me: *signs up for yoga*

Therapist: ok lets refocus on things you like about yourself. This week i want you to try and journal about good things you’ve for yourself and others.

Me: *does the homework* yeah but i still hate myself but feel bad cause i shouldn’t

Therapist: feeling like you shouldn’t hate yourself is a step in the right direction. Mental health is complex and isn’t something that will ~magically~ improve. We have a lot of hard work head of us but I’ll be here to help you.

As a psychologist the amount of bullshit on this site, the amount of fucking dangerous bullshit on this site about how therapy is neurotypical bullshit and isn’t worth it and how exercise is pointless and good diet is pointless and that therapy homework is pointless DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL

Exercise is fucking important. good diet is fucking important therapy is fucking important. WHY???

because pills alone don’t help. they improve the hormonal imbalance (as does exercise and good diet which ALSO are a form of very real self care as your physical being is sorta connected to your mental one but go fucking figure right?), but guess what? the suicidal thoughts, the thoughts of harm, the thoughts of hating yourself, they’re still there.  suicides actually increase when medicated.  why? because suddenly you have the energy to fulfill thoughts of harming yourself.  which is why you NEED therapy alongside pills.

it has taken you years, or decades to create your maladaptive thought processes and behaviours.  that shit doesn’t disappear overnight. core beliefs don’t change overnight. these are the very fucking core of your personhood, your being and personality. THAT TAKES TIME TO CHANGE

Changes do happen in therapy. The advice they give you is worth listening to. 

You know what’s not worth listening to?

Oh really? I tried on one pair of jeans that I was struggling to fit in since spring 2016, and they finally fit me. I’m really happy, God, I would run down the streets and yell that those jeans finally fit me.

And guess why? ‘Cause I lost weight. I’m happy because I lost weight.

oh

*doesn’t reach out, talk to anyone, or put in any effort whatsoever in finding a relationship*

my scale:

You won’t have to go through life worrying about every single calorie and every single meal. 

You can enjoy dinner with your family without panicking about it. 

You can live life without it revolving around food. 

You won’t have to lie to the people you care about anymore.

You can actually have fun on your birthday.

Fighting with people you care about over whether or not you’ve eaten is boring and painful. 

Because there is more to life than food. 

Because losing friends is not fun. 

You can enjoy social occasions without worrying about food.

You won’t feel so constantly exhausted and drained all the time.

Thinking and dreaming about and being consumed by food is no way to live.

Feeling dizzy and cold and tired keeps you from living a happy, fulfilling life.

Recovery will give you the chance to LIVE and to be alive, rather than just existing.

Because you deserve to have happy thoughts in your head, instead of numbers. 

Your recovery can inspire and aid the recovery of others. Instead of passing on disordered behavior, you can pass on health and support and encouragement. 

Your skin will improve, as will your mental clarity. Eating right (and enough) can greatly help symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Because you don’t deserve to cry yourself to sleep anymore.

You deserve to be able to genuinely smile again. 

You deserve to be able to go outside and enjoy your day without worrying about what you’re wearing and whether or not you look okay. 

You won’t have to waste money on food to binge on anymore.

Your feet and legs will stop falling asleep and going numb when you sit down.

Your hair will stop falling out.

Your skin will finally be able to heal itself. You deserve to be glowing. 

It’s nice to not feel like death anymore. 

It’s nice to not smell like vomit anymore. 

It’s nice to be able to go out and actually enjoy yourself again. 

Your general health will improve and you’ll be less susceptible to colds and viruses. 

You won’t have to feel guilty about breaking your promises. 

You won’t have to lie to everyone around you. 

You’ll be able to go out and dance at parties/bars/clubs without feeling weak and dizzy.

If you’re fortunate enough to still have healthy teeth, recovery will prevent them from rotting. 

You are worth so much more than just a number on a scale. 

It’s nice to not be constantly cold and nauseous all the time. 

Because crying in your room is never a good way to spend a Friday night.

You can finally live without guilt. Guilt that you ate when you didn’t think you deserved to eat. Guilt that you haven’t eaten and you’re letting loved ones down. Guilt that you binged. Guilt that you purged. Guilt that deep down you’ve forgotten how to love yourself. 

Your bones won’t be brittle and easy to break anymore. 

You’ll be able to sleep at night without hunger pains keeping you awake.

Be confident again. 

So you don’t feel like a complete & utter hypocrite when trying to help someone that is in the same position as you.

So you can enjoy “family time” & not worry about eating “bad food”

So that you don’t spit up after eating because your esophagus is so fucked up from purging. 

So you don’t miss out on life. 

Because it’s nice waking up and thinking about what art you can create, what places you can explore, what books you can read, what people you can meet, what songs you can sing, what sports you can play, instead of thinking about what you’re going to eat and not eat that day.

Watching Netflix is a lot more fun than watching “thinspiration” videos. 

It’s nice to wake up in the morning with energy, instead of waking up tired from not eating, or sick from binging. 

So that you can get up in the morning and see clearly, instead of seeing spots or having black vision as you try to sit up. 

You deserve to love yourself again. 

You deserve to accept love from those around you again. 

You deserve to be able to go shopping without having panic attacks and breakdowns in the changing room. 

You can eat your favorite foods without guilt and anxiety. 

You’ll have enough energy to do the things you enjoy. 

You can be active, and run or play sports for the fun of it, not for weight loss. 

You can have a life again. 

You’ll be able to sleep at night. 

Aren’t you tired of feeling worthless and guilty?

You’ll be able to go out without thinking that everyone is staring at you. 

Go into a grocery store feeling safe. 

You won’t have to be scared of going to the doctor anymore.

You won’t have to excuse yourself from work or social events to purge.

Recover so you don’t have to see the scared, heartbroken look on your mother’s face when she hears you purging. 

Recover so you can go on a date and feel happy and not worry.

Recover so that you can share your story and help others recover. 

You won’t have to waste any more money on laxatives. 

Your eating disorder won’t be feeding your anxiety and depression anymore.

ALL of us deserve a better life than ED hell. 

You’ll be able to have children someday if you want to. 

So you can make spontaneous plans to go out, and not have to check or worry if they’ll “fit in” with the eating disorder.

So you can spend time having interesting conversations with people, without your mind wandering off to do calorie counts.

You don’t have to feel guilty when people buy you food, because you won’t have to waste it anymore. 

So you can live a happy, free, fulfilled life. 

So you can feel unafraid for the first time in a long time. 

So you can have and actually sustain healthy relationships with people (family, friends, significant other) without the eating disorder causing fights and pushing them away. 

You can walk around town with a friend or go to events without worrying about passing out. 

You don’t have to lie awake at night worrying about the damage you’re doing to yourself. 

When you give your body the fuel it needs, your physical AND mental health will improve. Your self-confidence will improve. 

You can get your natural skin tone back, and not look gray and sickly pale all the time.

Your blood pressure and heart rate will go back to normal. 

You’ll be able to enjoy hot baths and showers again.  

You won’t have so much gas or bloating or stomach pains anymore. Your intestinal and digestive health will slowly heal itself. 

You can stop punishing yourself for eating. 

You can sit up for more than 10 minutes without your stomach hurting.

You won’t have to debate for an hour before eating an apple. 

Your room won’t smell like vomit and moldy food. 

So you don’t get up in the middle of the night feeling as though you need to do 300 sit-ups before you can sleep and then spend all day feeling tired, and ill.

You won’t trigger others anymore. 

So you dont end up in hospital at 3am because your bowels are bleeding due to your ED

You won’t be constantly dehydrated anymore.

When you look back on your life, you’ll have happy memories too, not just empty memories of anorexia / bulimia

You won’t have constant headaches anymore.

You won’t have to isolate yourself anymore.

Because life can, and should be, so much more.