Fading To Grey

It’s probably me, distracted, and perhaps that reflected in how I treated you the past weeks. But in that reflection, I feel your aloofness. I see you not holding my hand, not hugging me, not giving me the intimacy I needed.

I would not know if it’s trauma speaking, but it bothers me. You never used to ignore small acts of intimacy and snatch every possible moment. Drying my hair naked? Damn if I could keep your hands off me, but somehow it’s all different now. And trauma whispers to me that this was how my marriage failed. And it makes me recoil inside.

I beg you to stop invading my thoughts, my dreams, my every waking moment. But I can’t stop your face from surfacing into my mind relentlessly.

You say you love me. You say you miss me, it’s just we are both in bad situations, wrong situations. And you are right, this is wrong. It’s so wrong but I want it to be so right. I knew you were going to be a mistake, a sin, a weight on my soul that I possibly can never have. But I wanted you anyway.

I thought having a memory of you, a taste of how life with you would be like, would be sufficient. That I could possibly leave without regrets after having a taste of you. But I can’t fucking walk away. I can’t, and that’s where it’s on me. I played with fire and got burnt badly. But why does this pain feel so bittersweet.

I close my eyes and I dream of you beside me. I dream of you holding my face tenderly again.

I know you will come back, but it will only worsen this infatuation if you do not want me. The moment I look forward to your name popping up on my screen, or your voice over the phone, that’s when I knew I lost.

I know love isn’t selfish but I want you to myself. But if being with her makes you happier, I will clench my fists and let you go.

But it’s messed up either way, because I am falling out of love and falling in love at the same time. Lost.

How do I find peace?