(2x for size) ok um blushes well disclaimer i actually wanna do more research about this so everythig im saying is off the cuff but i feel like in the west the perception of a strong person is very reliant on individual "feel-good" power fantasies.
for example when talking with people about women in abusive marriages when divorce comes up a lot of the time people either a) assume custody of any children involved will be easy to keep because "youre the good one" which is tied to this idea that moral goodness and capacity of care are the same thing or b) treat it like a situation where the children are obstacles/shackles that this poor woman is tied down with and that her putting them first is sacrificing her own ability to be independent or fulfilled . this is because domestic labor and servitude are conflated especially when there is what seems to be a more domineering presence in the household + gender roles-- or hell, just the idea she is putting someone elses needs above her own means she is In Servitude because lifting up others can never be fulfilling unless you directly benefit or lose nothing-- and if it is servitude it must be bad/unpleasant (conversely, if you seem to enjoy something about your conditions, you must not be in servitude-- a fallacy we see in other situations).
therefore, her leaving him is escaping servitude first and foremost, and then she is expected to try and reclaim her children afterwards, and if she doesnt focus on escaping servitude she must Enjoy Being In Servitude. And this idea that she should leave and then go for the kids is a) based in misconceptions about how custody cases actually work b) rooted in the idea that the independent individual Alone is more capable and has More Power than an individual who is, in some way, obliged towards another person, whether that be children, aging parents, a marriage, etc.
i think the criticism of her not leaving him also comes from the very western idea of an independent adult not needing a support net when that is fundamentally untrue especially in domestic violence situations. rei is in this marriage because her family "sold her off"-- which she chose to be a part of as a way of caring for her family. the impact of this is twofold; rei is seen as foolish or as an entirely and wholly willing participant because she agreed to it, and her reason for doing so (caring for her family) isnt taken as seriously because here we simply dont have the same culture of Adult Children living with and caring for their parents. the idea that this may be important to her is derided as backwards and old fashioned and its seen as "not a good enough reason" for her not to just cut ties and bounce
furthermore, we know her parents are in her life during at least her early marriage; touya speaks to his grandmother enough to know the Lore, he uses an affectionate term for her-- and rei calls her mother when shes talking about how she cant/shouldnt be raising her children anymore because of how her condition has deteriorated. for all the shit i give the himura family, i think its an oversimplification to say that they were willingly abandoning or ignoring her; rei would not be calling her mother if her mother didnt, on some level, offer a level of support for her, and i dont think they told her to stay for financial reasons (if they did at all) because theyre greedy. it's probably because depending on the situation, it would leave all of them destitute and i dont know how to tell you this but being impoverished is also usually not easy on people. her parents were probably aging, too-- sh may have ended up in a situation where she is a single mother trying to care for her kids, her aging parents, AND herself-- and thats on top of however expensive the legal battle may be.
not only that, but being divorced would have social ramifications for rei! especially because she was married to the number two hero! and he would have reason to intimidate, harass, bribe, or threaten her to not divorce him because it would also endanger his public reputation; and there would be backlash on her children.
and because there is an aggressor the other person must be someone who is capable of being Aggressed Upon which sees the issue not as an imbalance of power created by a system or complex equation involving many factors but as an inherent weakness in the abused individual, not just physically or financially, but also mentally, regardless of the abuse endured.
because of the intensity, duration, and nature of the abuse rei and her children endured, rightfully the audience is incensed. those are injustices that have been performed. but because those things are Very Bad its easy for us to look in and go "well why didnt she simply stop the bad thing by any means necessary" because we are being shown a very direct, graphic, and easily understood injustice and not necessarily the potential fallout of other options.
in the west we're very much "an eye for an eye" and focus heavily on penance and punitive measures as a way of handling injustice. im not an expert, but frm what i understand, in japan, using criminal justice as an example comparison: most people who get arrested end up with suspended sentences, or are lectured and let out, or prosecution isnt pursued but its recorded-- its much less likely for things to actually get to the jailing stage. the prosecution rate is so high in part because youre less likely to be officially arrested for just whatever. this isnt me saying japans legal system isnt corrupt or is Good and Better, but from what i understand they take a paternalistic iron-fist approach; they'll pat you on the ass and wag a finger at you if you seem like you can fit back in to normal society just fine, but you rarely actually Get Away with anything, and once you push it too far they come down on you fast and hard.
and the "fit back in" part is really important; showing that you are part of the community and have the community's needs in mind is just a vital aspect of japanese culture we dont really see here. thats why the teachers issue apologies when bakugo got kidnapped. if you disrupt the community, you are going to come under heavy fire. furthermore, domestic issues are expected to remain in the domicile; there's a reason bakugo chides the todorokis after dinner saying that dinner conversation with guests is supposed to be pleasant.
which, in a sense, isnt different from the west: domestic issues are meant to stay hush hush and domestic here, too, but the difference is how the family is defined? i guess? in the west, we see protecting the family unit as a matter of Expelling and Blocking Out bad things, keeping the Other out of the home. the family unit is defined by who ISNT allowed inside and your ability to build up your castle wall, so to speak, and the level of independence your nuclear unit can maintain.
but i think in japan, the family unit is defined more by cohesion and unity, which is part of why fuyumi is so desperate to maintain it. and while even here family unification is generally considered the healthiest outcome for a child thats been removed from their parents by professionals, at the more extreme end, this is what leads to issues being covered up. furthermore, the family unit is a microcosm of society, so breaking up the family unit marks you as someone who may pose a threat to social structures at large, and at worst, its seen as "making it other peoples problem". and the family unit must be cohesive with the other families around you
your family is also considered to reflect heavily on who you are. this is a driving factor behind the importance of dabis dance, the reason who hawks' dad is is so important, and the reason the rest of the family would need to be "shielded from the fallout". rei being institutionalized wouldnt earn the family OR her pity; people would see that as a sign that the whole family is potentially a harbor for antisocial attitudes and behaviors. the same goes for touya being a criminal, and why touya starts by announcing his crimes. i was reading a paper at one point about the social attitudes around being related to criminals in japan and a lot of people who are related to criminals experience ostracization, leading them to either cut off that relative or have to relocate to another community where that reputation isnt there.
what im getting at with this is that rei like, beating endeavors ass or whatever would read as a power fantasy here because a) we believe in punitive retribution and see violence as an appropriate means for it, especially when we believe a crime is both a social and moral injustice and b) we see the use of retribution as a tool for acquiring independence as a freeing act and the ultimate goal should be to acquire that independence;
and in the sense of 'why didnt she do it for her kids', we see violence as a means for defending ones family as an even MORE justifiable response to things, because the family unit is defined by what you are able to keep out. in fact, some people argue its a moral failing of her to NOT escalate to violence in order to protect her children, because here, violence is the expression of an individuals power, to be violent is to have power, to be attacked is to be weak. violence in other situations is bad because you have imposed your will over another person in a way we have decided is a violation of their rights; but nonetheless, it is still a form of wielding power. and if she wants to be free from servitude and protect her children, she must actively use the power being used against her in response.
but in japan, doing so would a) put her life at risk because again that man is fucking huge but b) make her a criminal (and likely labeled mentally unstable) and thus put a mark on her and all of her children that would follow them for as long as they are known in the community and considering that endeavor is a famous hero, that could be catastrophic. and rei sees providing for her children and ensuring they have their needs met -- including their ability to be part of the community as a more effective way of protecting them than a one time act that may stop the physical violence but open them up to the dangers of poverty and social isolation because of who she is and who their father is. violence is still a tool for expressing individual power; thats what endeavor is doing to her, after all-- but the reason doesnt outweigh the fact that doing so would disrupt the community in a way with serious consequences.
theres also the fact that yes, there is nuance to the abuse and the way it escalated. while the marriage itself was on some level coercive, it seems like natsuo and fuyumi never experienced violence at endeavors hands (which is still traumatizing but it is different) and he didnt seem to be putting his hands on rei at all until his frustration about touya and having a perfect child started reaching the boiling point, which is likely around the time of shotos conception and onward. that doesnt make him berating her or coercing her into having more children less abusive, but it does make it so that she and fuyumi (the one who tries to keep the family together) remember a time where things were good enough to be proof that family unity is possible-- touyas whole thing is that he remembers when his daddy loved him and now he doesnt anymore. even if the marriage is loveless and rei has no personal affections for endeavor (and marriage for love being the ultimate goal and anything else is inherently evil is also a very western idea) rei had a long while where she felt stable and like the domestic conflict wasnt beyond the realm of normal or fixable.
her worst spiral happened over the course of like, 5 years; influenced and fed by the prior years, yes, but the rapid decline happened during a time when she had 4 dependent children, one of whom was constantly self harming and who had posed a threat to the youngest child at one point-- this is the WORST time for her to try and leave, period. her kids need her emotionally, physically, and upending their lives entirely would probably only make things worse, especially considering how much of it is fueled by touyas obsession with his father. she herself is also psychologically unwell to the point she is trying to get help caring for her children because she cannot do it anymore. and yes, thats at the end of those five years, but five years isnt long in terms of domestic slippery slopes or mental health declines under those conditions. and i dont think its weak for her to have thought or hoped it could get better! anyone would! its easy for us to be like smh smh it was so bad but the truth is wed all probably also be like "well maybe itll stop being bad when the problem goes away" because it never feels like the problem is the person, it feels like the abuse is the person reacting to a problem, so if you fix the problem things will be ok, when the truth is there never stops being a problem.
and this is also on top of endeavor telling her that this shit is her fault on some level; she needs to have the kids to discourage touya or he wont stop, she needs to be watching them, she needs to stop him, etc.
tldr we see the individuals access to power and use of power as the ultimate indication strength and to be strong means to be capable to be capable is to be good and so if you are Good but not capable or if you are good but do not use power as an individual for individual reasons you must actually have some weakness or flaw.
and the perception of weakness is exacerbated by how audiences view her mental health and the fallout thereof; if she is a good victim, she has to be a fragile baby fawn, if she is a bad victim, she has to be crazy or unstable or bad because she Couldnt Tolerate It or Get Better Faster. the fact shes in long term inpatient makes people look down on her because we believe being the ultimate independent adult is what makes people strong and so needing care must mean you are inherently weak
and not only that but we see the pursuit of Ultimate Good as being worth sacrificing intangible things like social standing or things like money because the Family Unit (Good Ones) should come first and who gaf about those thngs!!!!!!!!!!! if you gaf about any of those things more than grabbing a hammer and killing the guy threatening the Family Unit (Good Ones) you must not care enough or you must be stupid or rbad. but actually it turns out money and society and caring for your family is important and i dont think its fair to ask her to choose potentially being homeless and having him breathing down her neck in retaliation over being beat and yelled at because one of those things puts her children at exponentially more risk than the other. thats not to say rei is a martyr because as ive said before as a character she takes responsibility she was not a perfect mother she made mistakes but those mistakes had nothing to do with her just being too weak of will to stand up to The Bad Guy or being too stupid to leave or being stupid for getting into this marriage in the first place
th other thing i think is that people forget that this is a story and we know what happens in the story but um.t he character doesnt. she didnt know all that was gonna happen
