I would kill for more howlie stories. Particularly the one where everyone dressed up as women. Please? I have coffee, bacon, and a genuine grenade (not sure if it still works) from 1942. (Ps pls embarass the golden retriever known as the Star Spangled Man as much as you can. It's funny.)
well, us howlies were willing to do downright stupid stuff for even stupider reasons, so it never took much effort to talk everybody into doing something really really dumb. usually i was the one trying to keep everyone for getting their stupid selves killed, but im proud to say that this particular occasion was all my doing.
so its july 1944, and nazis are still occupying paris. we were sent in to pick up some crucial info from a resistance informer in the heart of the city. but at this point we were already starting to be recognizable, so we needed to disguise ourselves to get through the city. the higher-ups hadnt been specific on how exactly to conduct this particular op, so, left to our own devices, we naturally concluded that we should dress one of the most overmuscled commando squads in the allied forces as women.Â
we were good at special ops, not logic.
i think whoever suggested it was joking, but in typical howlies fashion, we took things waaay to far, and soon enough we were sourcing dresses and wigs. dum dum and pinky and gabe and jaques and falsworth and morita had to shave their mustaches off. dum dum cried.Â
morita managed to get his hands on some makeupâhe refused to tell us where fromâwhich was great, until we realized that none of us had any idea what to do with it. but then steve admitted what exactly heâd been up to with the ladies of the star spangled show. turns out that aside from hauling their luggage everwhere, heâd also been on hair-and-makeup duty nearly every night. i guess the ladies decided to put his artistic skills to use, because the man knew his way around a blush brush. (the rest of us were not sure what a blush brush was.) Â even in 2017, he can still do a contour like nobodys business, because he apparently decided that was something worth knowing. so steve did our makeup, and all of us learned how to do lipstick. more useful combat skills for the howlies dossiers.Â
falsworth had a friend who ran a really fantastic underground drag show, so he negotiated wigs in return for promising to send steve over to help with a show sometime. we did not tell steve about that promise until later. Â gabe found the dresses, and i dont know where he got them, because they were somehow big enough for us.Â
except for steve, who has the waist-to-shoulder proportions of a pizza slice. he got stuck halfway into a dressâcaught with one arm in, his head and other arm outâwith his fully-made-up face slowly turning redder and redder. all of us tried, but we could not wedge steve into that dress.Â
so instead we put him into a wheelbarrow full of garbage.Â
the rest of usâthe worlds burliest but most well-made-up ladiesâset off in groups of twos and threes through occupied paris. happy sam pulled the short straw and had to wheel along the stevebarrow, which not only stunk but was heavy as hell. the nazis working the checkpoints must have liked their ladies large and muscular, because we made it through to the drop point with no problems, aside from falsworth getting a little to in to the flirting. steve kept griping, but we kept telling him garbage is quiet steve, shut up.
we made it to the drop point, this big old house on  rue des grands augustins, one of those huge mansions. but what weâd carefully avoided telling steve was who exactly the house belonged to, because his birthday was the next day, and thisâaside from being a crucial intelligence missionâwas his birthday present.
the house belonged to pablo picasso.
so we all slipped in through a side door, and when happy sam and the steve barrow finally caught up with the rest of us, happy sam turned it over sideways and out tumbled a very irate, still made-up steve in his captain america costume.Â
he was pissed as hell until he realized who exactly the weird little guy covered in paint was, and then he blushed so red i thought heâd cook the makeup right off his face, and he started stammering like that time in first grade suzy miller said he was cute.
anyway, he and picasso got along like a house on fire, and the rest of us enjoyed some proper french cooking while they babbled art at each other and scribbled in each otherâs sketchbooks. picasso drew steve a portrait of himself, which is why one of steveâs battered stained sketchbooks is valued at 700 thousand dollars. itâs because halfway through theres a bunch of picasso sketches, and a little painting of captain america wearing makeup in a heap of garbage.
not that you can really tell, of course. cubism.Â
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