Unpacking Emotional Abuse

Even though I didn’t birth her, that doesn’t change our bond or the fact that she takes after me in so many ways. She’s awesome to talk to, and when we do get together, we don’t shut up. We literally can talk each other’s ears off because we think so much alike. Lol 🥹 Yet she’s been more brave than I ever was growing up. She actually rides all the roller coasters, and I made myself ride one with her when she was little. Lol I did a lot for her out of love. 💗

Truly, she’s one of my best friends, and yet I feel she’s closed off like me and struggles to let people into her inner circle just like me… still, I believe she’s going to be okay and find the right people to align herself with. She’s a smart and spiritual young woman. We’ve always been able to debate deeper spiritual things, and she’s truly just a great person to converse with. Gonna celebrate her birthday tomorrow and throw her a party. I’m excited, but I know I’ll be emotional the whole time though. 😩💖

Here are photos of us through the years together 💖 What a beautiful young lady she is!! (Yes, she’s taller than me because I’m so short.) I don’t think she always looks like me, but people ask me all the time if she’s my daughter… probably because of how close we are:

And I was just remembering that when I was in middle school how I would be riding in the backseat of the car, riding with my mom and my grandma, and I would be thinking to myself like, “I hate this area, I wanna just escape.” I remember thinking how this place is so small and I don’t belong here, and I just wanna go to California so bad. I was only 13, but all I could think about is if I could just make it to Hollywood and I could escape my small, meaningless life and feel something more, but now that I’m older, it’s like you can’t escape your life; you have to deal with it. You have to face it, confront it, deal with who you are and where you’ve come from, and you can’t be ashamed of yourself or your childhood upbringing. You cannot be ashamed of where you came from because that’s what made you the person you are now.

Never forget that it’s not that you can’t go places; it’s not that you can’t make changes in your life, but you need to ask yourself why you wanna escape from where you’re at. What is it that you wanna escape to? (If only I could go back and ask my 13-year-old self that question: what are you trying to escape from?) What makes you think that the other side is always going to be better, and then sometimes it is better, but more than all of that, it comes back to alignment, aligning your life with your true authentic self, your true authentic needs, desires, and your higher purpose. What are you meant for? You already know what has made you who you are and what has grown you.

And if you’re neurodivergent like me, it’s possible change is very hard and scary for you, even though there are parts of you that dream of starting a whole new life, and that was always me, especially in middle school because school sucked for me, and so it’s like every day, I was trapped doing the same things over and over, going with my mom and grandma to Walmart and feeling like if I have to go to Walmart one more time or if I have to go back to school and do the same things over and over again, like I couldn’t stand it. And I noticed whenever I became homeschooled, my life became way different because I was on a different schedule and I kind of had more freedom to create my own schedule, and then my area didn’t seem so terrible. I was able to deal with it more, but you have to be peacefully content wherever you’re at in life and don’t rush chapters because rushing chapters just means that you’re wishing your life away, and you actually might miss really good things if you’re rushing, and you don’t want to miss anything good, so enjoy where you’re at, look for the little glimmers in your life, and remember more important than that, healing does take time, you have to be patient and kind with yourself.

You can’t give up, and you have to keep fighting forward. Talk back to the voices in your head that lie to you and tell you that you’re never going to be good enough or that you’re too much. You are exactly enough, exactly as you are, you are chosen. You are loved, you are not alone. Your life DOES have meaning even in the ordinary and boring stuff. Take your life one day at a time.💫

I went mostly vegan this year because of the burden I had in my stomach. I was super emotional at first and had the most empty feeling I ever had. Almost like I was mourning my old self. Yet my life has gotten happier and more free. I’ve never been a true vegan because no one in my family is. My thing is, I just wanted to feel better inside my body. I started adding in more protein too, but then I get so full quickly and have little room for calories. You need to research what’s a healthy amount of protein and calories for your weight size and also find healthier fats too.

When you start truly reading the ingredients of everything you eat, you find yourself down a rabbit hole for sure. Some days I’ve been at the grocery store lost because I don’t always know what to eat. Honestly, not everything that says it’s “gluten-free” and “vegan” is truly what it appears to be. You truly have to read the nutrition label. There are a lot of foods made with oils like vegetable or sunflower oil. Pay attention to that. Honestly, you do the best you can.

I’ve prayed daily for healing, not just for me but for others I love and want to see thrive in life. I believe my life is changing daily for the better, even when it’s subtle changes. I notice each grocery trip I’m a little wiser, but I’m not perfect. Last Saturday morning I was at 99.0 lbs exactly, and today I’m at 100.4 😋👍🏻 Hey, a slow climb is still a climb.

My faith has been tested regularly, but I still trust the healing process, and I am healing trust issues each day. You HAVE to keep going. Don’t stop learning and discovering all you have need of. Be kind and patient with yourself and others. You’re allowed to have a bad day and not feel good or positive, but don’t give up. Keep fighting forward one day at a time! 🕊️✨

This remix is a gem right here:

This song found me:

This song randomly played for me on an app that I barely use anymore, and wow, I immediately looked it up so I could add it to my playlist! I couldn’t find it on SoundCloud, but found it on Spotify. 🎶💖 It sounds like AI to me, but it’s still sooooooo magical. I’ve had it on repeat all day!!

I barely use Spotify; it’s my smaller, more exclusive playlist with certain elite songs I save for moments when life is feeling so magical. Hehe, yes, I have multiple playlists I listen to depending on the occasion! Even on SoundCloud, I created a whole separate, smaller playlist out of my main playlist just for my car because I have certain songs I like to listen to when I’m driving, and I don’t like changing through all the songs—plus, you get constant ads. 😝 I also have my "thumbprint" playlist on Pandora; hehe, it’s a much wider playlist because it’s got multiple genres, where SoundCloud mostly stays in the trance and EDM realm. (Mostly lol)

This song, “First Love,” just gives me sooo many feels. 😎✨ I truly feel like I could float and dance on air with this track. 🎶

This is a dish my mom taught me to make when I was very young and I made it all the time because it could feed all of my brother’s kids, plus me and my dad and Mom, sometimes even my brother and his wife depending if I made more than one pan of it. The kids always loved it and I did too, but now that I’m older and things have changed within my stomach, I can’t eat the things that I used to. So, I was able to turn this dish vegan so it was easier on my stomach.

It’s truly an easy simple dish to make. There’s not very many rules and you can even make up the rules as you go. You can change the recipe and make it any way that you want—it truly is yours.

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 350°. Get a 9x13 glass baking dish and lightly spray it with cooking spray or grease it however you want to. You’re also gonna need a skillet and a pot.

Ingredients:

Two 12 oz packages of Impossible Lite ground beef (meat from plants + has 21 grams of protein)

One 12 oz box of gluten-free rotini noodles

Two 24 oz cans of pasta sauce. I used a local favorite which is “LaRosa’s Family Pizzeria original family recipe” but you can use whichever pasta sauce you like.

One 7 oz bag (and half of another) of dairy-free vegan cheese. The brand I used was “Follow Your Heart.”

Garlic salt

Pepper

Parsley flakes

1 tbsp of Country Crock plant butter with olive oil

How to make it:

First, in your skillet, you’re gonna brown your beef and season it with your garlic salt, pepper, and parsley flakes. Put however much you want. I only put a little bit of parsley flakes because we’re gonna use it again on the very top of the dish.

Also, take your pot and boil about 8 to 10 ounces of water and I always season my water with salt and pepper. Once your water is boiling, you can pour in your noodles and I usually cook mine for about 10 minutes, but you’ll have to check and see when they’re done. While the noodles are boiling, I brown my meat—and I’m gonna tell you, this meat that’s plant-based has no grease, which is amazing because the grease can really hurt your stomach, plus it’s less mess to clean up because I don’t like draining the grease. But, I will warn you that this meat was trying to stick to the pan, so stay with it! Don’t walk away from it, and you’re just browning it enough because you are gonna finish cooking it in the oven.

Once your ground beef is brown enough, put it to the side. Once your noodles are done, drain those noodles and then put your tablespoon of butter (or however much butter you want to use, or you don’t even have to use butter, but I like to use the plant butter with the olive oil because its delicious!). I put about a tablespoon in the pot and let it start to melt, then I pour the drained noodles back in and stir them real good with the butter so they get nice and buttery. Then I add in one can of the pasta sauce, mix it up real good, then I add the second can and mix that up. Then I add the beef, mix it up, and then I add half of the 7 oz bag of the vegan mozzarella cheese. Mix all that up real good and pour in your pan. But listen: no rules! Do whatever you want. You could literally put real ground beef in there, you could put whatever cheese you want—sometimes people add pepperoni slices into theirs—just do whatever you want. Pour it into your glass baking dish that’s been greased. Spread it out real good evenly and then put it in your oven for 25 minutes.

After the 25 minutes, you’re gonna take the dish out and you’re gonna sprinkle as much mozzarella cheese as you want. You can have a lot, you can have a little, you can put whatever cheese you want on top. I don’t usually use the entire 7 oz bag, but I spread the cheese out evenly. Then you’re gonna sprinkle your dried parsley on top of that all across the dish, as much as you desire or none at all and then you’re gonna put it back in for about another 5 to 7 minutes. The vegan cheese takes longer to melt than regular cheese, but what you’re looking for is that the bottom of the dish is bubbling with the sauce and that the cheese is melted on top. Then you just let it cool a few minutes and, depending how big or small of a piece you cut out, that determines how many people you can feed. I believe you can easily feed 4 to 5 people on this meal. It just depends how big of a piece you eat and if you want seconds, lol! And you can also make quick garlic bread to go with this if you want.

How to make the garlic bread:

So for me, I will not be making garlic bread right now because I haven’t found a bread I’m happy with yet, but you take a slice of bread and a small bowl. You melt some butter and then you pour in some garlic powder and some dried parsley flakes and you just mix it up and you rub it over top of your piece of bread and then you put it in your oven under broil for 3 to 4 minutes. But you gotta watch it—each oven is different. If you’re not careful, you can burn your bread. That is the easiest way to make your own garlic bread and you can literally use whatever bread that you like, so no rules here either, just have fun with it! You can even sprinkle cheese on top of that and make it like a cheesy garlic bread, which is what a lot of people like.

And that’s my delicious dinner recipe turned vegan. It’s one of the easiest recipes that I know how to make. There’s different ways you could go about it and it doesn’t have to be ground beef and cheese—I mean you can put whatever you want into this dish truly and make it whatever kind of dish you want it to be. This is just what I’m choosing to do tonight and I’m excited to eat, lol. Enjoy! 😋✨

Trying something new… we’ll see how my stomach does. 😩 This isn't dairy-free or vegan, and lately, my stomach hasn't been tolerating much. I got brave and weighed myself this morning—I’m at 99 lbs. My goal was to gain 5 lbs this year. I’m not sure where I went wrong, other than cutting out most carbs and gluten and switching to monk fruit sweetener; unfortunately, whenever I have too much "sugar," it makes me feel sickly and drags my energy down.

I also just started a new protein collagen peptide powder yesterday, and I’m excited about it! It says its supposed to help with your skin, heart, and muscles. I’m not sure what results to expect yet, but I’m trying everything at this point. Healing truly takes time.

I am happier than I have ever been, even though I’m not perfect. I still have moments of overthinking or feeling sad, but I am usually able to bring myself back up. That’s good. The progress I’ve made mentally in the last year and a half is huge. My physical health WILL catch up; I just can't be too hard on myself.

The reason to drink this protein shake is my dad, he’s been begging me to drink milkshakes, and when I explain that the dairy upsets my stomach, he acts disappointed. But he’ll be okay. I know my dad loves me; he just has a frustratingly way of showing it. You have to accept people where they’re at. I’m not going to change him or make him more emotional, I certainly can’t let him force me to eat things that make me sick. I love my dad and I respect him, and I want him to respect me, too. You can’t fix or change other people—you can only change yourself.

I don't like making promises, but I am truly trying to gain weight, to be healthier, more understanding, and more patient. I’m learning not to chase people or try to force them to do what I want. I truly care about others and want what’s best for myself and those I care about.

I’m worried this protein drink might give me indigestion, so I’ll have to Google a vegan alternative. 😩 Also, I could’ve gotten vanilla instead of chocolate, but vanilla is boring—I like chocolate, hehe! 🙃

Oh, and btw… yes, I have on Mickey Mouse pj pants. 🐭😅 My friend Cindy bought them for me a few Christmases ago; they are super soft, a bit big on me, but so comfortable. Currently, I'm watching "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"—I haven't seen this one since I was a little girl. ✨

Keep going one day at a time please! 🕊️💫

When I do take a shower, yes, I love it extremely hot, but it’s terrible on my skin. I’m also the type of person who gets overheated very easily, so I’ll take a hot shower, but then before I get out, I’ll turn it cold. That part sucks, but it cools me down, it’s better on my skin, and it also helps to wake me up. I prefer morning showers if I have to go places, but if I don’t have to leave the house, then I prefer night showers. There’s something wonderful about laying down to go to sleep at night when you’re fresh, clean, and dressed for bed, and you wrap up in the sheets to get comfortable. I can’t explain that feeling, but I think it’s sensory for me.

As sensory goes, I can be overly sensitive to some smells, and then of course, some smells really get me off. I was thinking about this the other day: my favorite smell is the smell of coffee—obviously a coffee shop is the most comforting smell to me. That; cinnamon or vanilla too. But another smell I realized I really like, even though it’s not a "comfort" thing, is a salon. I was getting my hair done yesterday; I was sitting in that salon chair thinking, "Wow, this place smells so good." All the different shampoos and stuff just have a really nice and clean smell. That actually wouldn’t be a bad idea for a candle! 😜

Not just sensory but routines. Being AuDHD, I have ways of doing things, and yet I’m not always consistent—but mostly consistent. I realize that I’ve always had a routine in the shower that I don’t normally break. Sometimes I’ve tried to break it just to see how it would make me feel, and of course, it makes me feel completely out of place, like, "Who am I? What am I doing?" I struggle with time anyway; that’s my biggest problem in the shower—not knowing how much time has gone by. I try so hard to be quick, but some mornings I’m so tired and the water is so hot that you just want to stand there in the warmth, but that takes up so much time.

These are all just a bunch of quirks for me. It’s just the way I process life. You know, I can be a people person, but I’m equally shy. I’ve been going to the same hair lady since I was little, so it’s not like she’s a stranger, and I’m fine talking to her. It’s just that I’m not always the greatest at starting the conversations, but you also don’t want to sit there awkwardly in silence while you get your hair cut. I was thankful yesterday that she mostly started the conversations, but I’m just socially awkward most of the time. It’s not that I’m afraid of people, but I’m not sharing a whole lot unless I’m extremely comfortable—and then I’m oversharing! Obviously, it’s just how it is with me.

Also, I have a bit of a system when I’m getting dressed and always have, but sometimes I switch that up, too. Every time I switch it up, it’s like, "Oh, this is so weird." Do you put your socks on first? Do you put your underclothes on first? Like, what do you do first, and do you do it in the exact same order every time? I feel like I do, but sometimes I have purposely tried to mix things up because I hate rigid routines. But I notice sticking to your routine helps you get ready faster because you know what you are doing, but when you mix it all up, you’re all messed up on what to do and it just takes longer.

I don’t like a set of rules all the time either, and I certainly don’t want to have these rules for other people. I think it’s the ADHD side of me always arguing with the other side: "You don’t need all these rules, you’re being too hard on yourself, life is for living!" But then the other side of me is arguing, "We need a plan! Without a plan, how are we supposed to function? You can’t just live crazy every day!" But the chaos is so much more fun than the super-rigid organization, even though I feel like structure can often be beneficial. It’s rare that I can perfectly be both people at the same time; I’m usually one or the other depending on the situation.

I just keep learning all of my little quirks and what makes me, me, so that I can fully accept myself, celebrate myself, and give myself love. I want to be a complete, whole person so that once I’ve loved myself with a pure heart, I can truly love others with a pure heart, too. Just as I don’t want to be trapped in rigid routines or a bunch of rules, I don’t want to treat other people that way, either. I want them to be free like me. I don’t want them to feel like they have to do things a certain way every time. Any rules that I do make for myself, I feel like they are usually to keep me grounded, stable, and healthy. You can’t live in constant chaos, but I also don’t want to live life in a script.

You just can’t be perfect at it, so I never know which side is going to show up in me in the moment. You just take it as it comes. That’s all you can do—accept yourself, accept your little quirks, and accept other people and their quirks, too. Life would be so boring if everything was just perfectly organized and lived by the calendar and the clock 24/7. I really like to be surprised in life too because surprises are so much fun. (Obviously I like good surprises and not bad ones. Lol) Life isn’t perfect and neither am I but I am making the best of it each day and finding peaceful contentment in each moment. I’ve been on this self-discovery journey for years now to accept all of me—and I already went through an ego death last year—life isn’t perfect, but it does get more calm as you embrace yourself deeper. You just have to live in the present moment. I’m not looking hours ahead; I’m just looking at right now and getting through the day as it unfolds. Take your life truly one day at a time. 💫

Okay, but I thought it was just... I don't know. I just did it always, and I talk in movie quotes with my family, but I didn't realize how badly I repeat myself in different voices or make random noises when I’m doing stuff. I always talk to myself through life. I have an inner monologue that helps me process life. Then one day, I came across an AuDHD person on TikTok who was showing examples of this behavior where they make noises and repeat themselves talking to themselves out loud while they were baking in the kitchen, AND the lightbulb went off for me. I realized, "Oh wow. This whole time I never knew there was a name for my strange but ordinary behavior." (Ordinary for me because it’s always been my normal.)

No one has ever said much to me about it or acted like they noticed it. YET, I also realize I don’t act this way in front of many people. It’s mostly when I’m alone that I talk to myself unless it slips out, and then someone will ask me, "I’m sorry, did you say something?" 😳 Nope. You’re hearing voices, but it ain’t me. Lmao.

Well, I’m also super bad for talking to the TV! No matter if I’m yelling at it, responding to it, or talking to the movie. Yesterday, I watched Bambi and I was yelling at the TV along with the movie, "Get up, Bambi! Get up!" 🤪 I’m not "crazy," just a little crazy... Hehe. I remember when I lived at home and I was home alone watching a show and yelling at it, and then my dad came home right in that moment and he was like, "Uh, hello???" 🥲😝 He wondered who I was talking to... Welp, I can’t help it. No one told me it was all traits of being AuDHD.

I notice I embrace it more and more, but like, it truly matters if I’m comfortable with people whether I’ll behave this way or not. (Sadly, masking.) As long as I know the people I’m with, then I can be weird, but if not, then I’m quiet and holding it all in as much as I can, even when it’s painful... A lot of people don’t even watch TV, let alone movies. They would not understand my "movie quotes" language... it’s just what it is. I feel like true "self-love" is just being okay with knowing not everyone is going to understand me or my humor. I have to continue learning myself, and here lately, I’ve been celebrating myself more as I continue to heal and feel lighter and more free.🕊️✨

I have a reminder on my phone to get my license renewed when I actually paid extra to not have to renew them for like 5 years or something crazy. 😅 Lol, that’s how much I don’t want to forget. I also had a reminder on my phone to renew my car tags, and I set it to remind me a month in advance… my birthday isn’t until August! Lol.

Yet, I have a million phone notes; some pages have 20 songs I’ve written on them, and other pages have a random number, thought, or list of some sort. I have a Christmas list in my phone notes so I know who all I’m buying for, how much I’m spending, and what they are getting exactly. I legit make columns and tables in my notes for that specific list when I legit hate tables and columns! 😝 Lol.

My baby niece, who is exactly like me, told me yesterday, “I set timers and alarms for everything so I don’t lose track of my time.” 😳 Omg, so do I, and I hate it so much. I feel so constricted with calendars, timers, and planning stuff out, yet I can hardly function outside of planning stuff out. I often plan my church outfits out 2 days ahead just so I know what I want to wear and can get ready faster on Sunday mornings, but it takes all the fun out of living. It’s the battle of being super organized while wanting to relax and be free to do whatever.

You need your autonomy, but you know how much you thrive with organization. Then you have random surges of energy and creativity where your life feels so completely magical!! 💫 I can’t explain it; just ride it out. Just enjoy this day. This IS a great day to be alive. You don’t have to be perfect and perform to be successful. You just have to give yourself grace.

Sure, I’m happy with all I accomplished today, but if I can’t repeat this motivation tomorrow, then I’ll be prepared and I’ll forgive myself. We HAVE to be patient with ourselves; be sooooo kind to yourself, please. You need your own warmth and love. You are worthy of that love. I want you to treat yourself so well, please, because you are important. You are loved, you are enough, and we aren’t just surviving anymore… we’re thriving!!! 😎🤟🏻

Let’s keep going one day at a time!!! 🕊️✨

Anyway, I noticed something today… I had more protein than usual. 🤔 It seems to have helped me a lot!! I had an iced coffee from Starbucks that had 20 grams of protein, plus I had this nut mix that also has protein, yogurt bites, and chia seed fruit bites. I’m not sure exactly what all was in it, but wow, I feel like a complete beast today!!! Now watch me crash tomorrow, possibly, because unfortunately not everyday is like this, but all I can do is try to get this much protein tomorrow too and see if my body reacts in the same manner. I also had a yasso bar after dinner, and it has protein in it as well!! 🙃

Well, and also, I finally got to start watching the new Malcolm in the Middle series, Life is still unfair, and oh my… it’s magical but it’s chaotic! I hadn’t watched the original in some time. I started the original in middle school, and while my mom wasn’t crazy about me watching it, she bought me the first season on DVD, and I watched it on repeat. lol. I liked Frankie Muniz because of Big Fat Liar, and I loved Agent Cody Banks. I never had a crush on Frankie, just liked his acting. Plus I didn’t see all of his movies, just some of them.

Well, I won’t spoil the new Malcolm in the Middle. I’m only 2 episodes in, and I need a break. It’s 10x more chaotic than the first show. I like that they made Frankie overly self-aware, and he uses human psychology in every scenario of his waking life. I get it completely, and it’s sooooo relatable. I can get exactly like that! Why we like that?? 🤔

Most shows I either dive in 100% and watch it all in one shot, or I watch it halfway and then don’t watch it again for months. lol. 😂 (I guess I’m more of a TV junkie than I thought).

I don’t know how I did all my chores today, plus cooked, plus cleaned the kitchen, and watched two episodes… it’s crazy to me when this happens, and part of me wishes I had this motivation every day, but it sounds exhausting at the same time too. Why can’t I just balance this energy out?? Idk, but healing happens in waves too, and when I meditate, I really pray to heal "time blindness" and to be "more motivated," and I know I need to stop self-sabotaging.

I am gently building trust each day with myself and some close people I care deeply for. I still don’t trust everybody, or at least I am not vulnerable with everybody yet. Can’t force yourself before you’re ready because what if you overwhelm yourself or those close to you? Just take a deep breath, calm down, and keep going forward at a comfortable pace.

When you do feel a vulnerability hangover, ground yourself in facts over fears, AND gently keep talking to your nervous system. Meditate and allow yourself to be in a calm and peaceful state of being. Then you will be more confident to show up with others peacefully.

I’m not anxious!! I’m just feeling like I’m on speed right now. 😅 Legit, I’m ready to wind down for the evening and chill out.

We got this. 💪🏼 We are soooo strong and resilient. We’re not just "survivors" anymore… we’re THRIVING! Ayyyye 😎🤟🏻

Keep the positivity flowing. Keep healing, and when you have a bad day that isn’t so positive, know you’re not alone, that somebody’s got your back and understands you. They’ll be there to lift you up so you can keep going. Not fixing or carrying people’s emotions, but reminding them how they’re going to be okay and get through it all. Just warmly encourage, send love, and then give people space, too.

Think of how many bad days we already have overcome. We’ve got what it takes to prevail!!! Just be patient and kind with yourself. 🙏🏻 Please take your life one day at a time. 🕊️✨💫

Peace and love.

See, when you’re deep in meditation, oftentimes your body rests to a place where you are in that “in-between.” You’re not asleep, but you are drifting in between worlds, and the veil is thin spiritually. You can begin to have deeper thoughts, and my first thought was, “oh maybe that could be a cool song to write.“ I wrote it down in my notes because I thought it was so cool. I didn’t want to lose the fun idea, but I did nothing with it that day.

And that entire day, everywhere I looked, I saw the words “luxury“ and “couture”. (I’ll share my phone notes below). Then on 4/22, in my nightly meditation session, the words changed on me to “luxury in love” which immediately made me think, “ohhhhh, that makes much more sense now.” But then suddenly, all these possible song titles came flooding into my head; about 10 different song titles came at once and I was overwhelmed, but I was excited!!

I couldn’t believe what was happening and I started writing all of them down. There were a couple titles that I was like, “what in the world, that makes no sense 🤔” but yet the songs make total sense now that I have written them. At first, the songs were flooding out of me and then I stopped writing… suddenly the songs became more meaningful. They became lessons that I was actively learning, and now when I listen to these songs of mine, I can literally pinpoint the growth.

I can honestly say that yes, I’m actively learning those lessons. I have written so many posts on here about becoming more secure, about attachment styles, about what love truly is, and I have shared the messages I received from the universe—how it continually told me these past 3 months to loosen my grip, to soften up, to go slow, to stop looking ahead, and to focus on the growth that has already happened within me. To notice how differently I am reacting in situations versus how I would’ve reacted in the past, and that is the testament of the songs.

These songs are proof of my growth and healing, and I started realizing that healing is a luxury… healing is for you to claim, but you have to be willing to claim it. I understand healing is not about becoming someone different; it is about becoming a better version of yourself—a person that you can love and be kind to. Not just healing for you, but for your relationships.

Healing does take time and the more that I listen to these songs, the more healing I feel and the more understanding I’m finding through these songs. These songs are a direct mirror of my inner world and healing process on a deeper level. I decided to reframe my vulnerability as a strength, not a weakness. I’m reframing past obsession as the neurodivergent ability to hyper-focus, and I’m fully accepting myself and those I care about just as we are. Taking our lives one day at a time. 🕊️✨

These are the notes I made on my phone, and I also wrote it all down in Google Gemini, to which it guided me. As you can tell, it called my list of songs “the unified tracklist.” It’s no accident that “unity” would also be a theme for these songs…

Here is the link for the whole album on BandLab for you to enjoy. I made all of these songs in Suno AI:



Welcome to Luxury in Love. 🕊️✨

This album began as a series of visions during deep meditation—a blueprint for a life no longer defined by survival or trauma, but by grace, intentionality, and peace. Each track is an architectural piece of a new reality, written as I actively healed my own nervous system and stepped into a higher timeline.

These songs are lessons turned into prophecies; they are the sanctuary I built within, and now, they are the life I am living. From the high-fashion rhythms of UK Garage and 2-Step to the healing frequencies of 528 Hz, this is the sound of being rich in love, secure in oneself, and deeply, authentically free. This is high-class healing. This is Luxury in Love.

Album list:

1. Intro: Luxury in Love - Building the sanctuary within and being custom built/couture for a more meaningful life.

2. High Class - Healing work, stepping into a higher timeline and not letting the past define you.

3. Warning Signs- Retraining the nervous system and getting out of survival mode.

4. Newest Obsession - Reframing past obsession and building a healthier relationship.

5. Something Meaningful - No longer in superficial relationships but actively seeking deeper connections.

6. Vulnerable - Opening up again, becoming softer and seeing vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness.

7. Secure - Learning who you are as a soul, what you want out of love and becoming secure within.

8. Love is - Trusting the healing process, learning what true love is and allowing for self-growth.

9. Bus Stop - This is the preparation and progress of all the inner healing work you’ve done. Not measuring your progress by what you’ve haven’t seen but by what has already changed within you. Allowing for alignment and timing.

10. Me to You - This is the physical manifestation of the sanctuary you’ve built through the healing work and the healing bond you’re actively nurturing. A place of peace and restoration.

I dedicate this to anyone who has survived trauma, and I hope this album offers you a sanctuary of rest for your soul. ✨🎶

But I can only handle so many days of that before it’s like, “Okay, I need to get out with the world!” I’ve been hiding for however many days in a row, and now it’s time to get into reality. I go out into the world and participate the best that I can, even if I’m socially awkward. I will push myself to talk to people, and I love to make people laugh, but then when I’m done, I’m absolutely done. It’s like, “Okay, I went out, I pushed myself into the world, I made some people laugh, I interacted with other human beings, and now I’m okay to go back home, back to my personal spot!” Yay!

When I say personal spot, I mean me and only me, because that’s when I can be my weird self. That’s when I can dance to my favorite music, talk to myself, and entertain myself. Truly! I don’t need to be entertained; I know how to entertain myself all around. However, it’s rare that I find people that I can absolutely share this “inner world” of mine with. I know they’ll understand it, they won’t judge it, and if you make it into my inner circle, that’s a big deal to me. That’s not an accident. That’s not random. It’s important, and I don’t take it lightly. As much as I want that little personal inner world of mine to be respected, I respect anybody that’s able to make it inside. Literally, you’ve entered a spot in my heart that I always protect and shield, so if I let you in, you are absolutely a special person. It’s not because I think I’m so special, great, and perfect; it’s just that you understand me, and it means a lot!

I know not everybody understands what it’s like to be AuDHD, where you are both needing to be in the world with people but also needing to be alone at the same time. I am the type of person who will push myself to talk to people, and as soon as I say something really awkward and embarrassing, then I have to go off by myself and calm myself down. Also, if I don’t know how to end a conversation, I truly will just walk away. I’m serious! That’s how awkward I am. But at the same time, I really love to make people laugh, and it comes naturally to me. Yet, I usually have to feel a crowd out because not everyone has a sense of humor. You do have to know who you’re talking to and what they find funny.

When it comes to my mom, dad, and brother, we often talk in movie quotes. I make them laugh when I bring up funny movie quotes, especially in a rough situation, and they know what I’m talking about. But I can’t do that with everybody because not everyone has seen all the movies that I’ve seen. I know this, and it’s not me trying to necessarily perform for people; it’s just my comfortability with people. But you can’t laugh with everyone—some people are really serious and don’t have much of a sense of humor, so then I have to just be proper and polite. Usually, it doesn’t take long for me to figure out if people are going to enjoy my sense of humor or if they need me just to be kind and nice.

Then there are some people who need to do the talking, and they just want you to only listen. That can be frustrating at times, but I usually know when someone truly just needs to take over and talk the whole time, and I just accept it. There are some people who never let me get a word in, and that’s okay because it’s not like I have a ton of stuff to say anyway. I’m usually pretty quiet. I’m 100% an observer first, anyway. I usually stay to myself, and it’s rare for me to fully open up and talk to somebody and share real conversation. But once I do open up, I realize I overshare every time—and it is what it is. This is just the AuDHD experience. I am daily learning what makes me, “me”. Taking my life step by step, one day at a time!💫

I try to meditate on healing every morning when I wake up, after I’ve started drinking my coffee and gotten awake, and then I try to meditate before bed. I do focus on healing my struggles, time blindness and executive dysfunction. What frustrates me the most is that I will hyper-focus on writing, whether it’s writing something down here in this blog or even responding to a text message, and I will be in the flow…. You know, my feelings flow effortlessly—the feelings are absolutely there. But then, even though I’m hyper-focused and wanting to share my feelings, it’s like I get so easily distracted by the slightest thing, or a thought suddenly comes to my mind to distract me. Or I even lose my train of thought completely. I’ll be deep in the flow and then—boom—I lose my train of thought, everything goes blank in that moment, and I sit there irritated at myself. It’s like, "Oh come on, I just had that thought, where did it go?" lol. I’m trying to get it back, and then it’s like, "Well, okay, I’ll just have to have a different thought then." I’ve always had an excellent long-term memory, but I’ve always struggled in having short-term memory. 

You know, you’re just trying to express yourself, and it really depends on what I’m writing, or who I’m writing to, and how much I’m writing, because I just want to be so intentional and thorough. When I'm texting my mother, sometimes I’m just sitting there looking at her text and I have the thoughts that I want to say, but it’s like after I write my response, I have to read over my response 2/3 times to make sure that I make sense. Making sure that my text will be received as intended. For me, it’s not about trying to be perfect by any means, or about a performance; it's truly that I want to make sense. I want to speak from my heart, and I’m very conscious about what I say to people in general. Even to my own mother, I don’t just say random stuff; I’m just truly intentional.

Maybe my mom will text me, "Hey, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in 15 minutes," and I’ll give her a simple thumbs-up. Done. Easy. I didn’t have to think that through. But if she text me and says, "Can you be ready in 15 minutes, and do you want to go to lunch first?" I then have to sit there, think about it all, and decide. Sometimes I’m not quick at making decisions. But my mom knows this, and I’ve told her so many times that I struggle with time. If she wants me to be ready at a certain time, she needs to tell me. Otherwise, if she says, “Just call me whenever you’re ready to go and we’ll go"—no, that doesn’t work for me. Because I may take hours depending on what I’m doing! I might get distracted with something and lose track of time, so it’s like, no, you have to give me an exact timeframe. If you want to go to the store before lunchtime, then you need to text me and say, "Hey, be ready by such-and-such time so we can make it before the lunch rush." It’s that simple.

I tell my mom this all the time. I try to express to people that with me, if you want me to be ready and on time, I need an exact timeframe, and I need to know how long it takes to get to places. Usually, I’m not late to anything. It just depends on how important the event is and what I am doing at home. If it’s like a baby shower or something on a Saturday, I know what time the shower starts, and I’m going to be there when it starts. But if it’s like, "Oh, I have to run to some stores to pick stuff up," I don’t know when I’ll go. I’ll go whenever I get ready. 🙃

I’ve learned that music can both help me focus while I’m getting ready, but it can also distract me depending on the song and what I’m doing. Like, if I’m fixing my hair and I’m listening to music, it can help me focus on my hair, but it can also cause me to dance and get excited, and then I lose track of all time and I take longer than I want to. Like, I don’t purposely want to take a long time to get ready. It’s just who I am, lol. I never purposely want to have poor time management, and it’s not that I’m absent-minded; it’s just that I easily get distracted. I overthink and have to clear my head often. But you know, I can hyper-focus too. See, school told me as a kid that I couldn’t focus, but they never explained it to me, and they were wrong about me. I have great focus when I really need it. When someone is telling me something important, I try to make sure that I am zeroed in on them, that there are no distractions around me. If a TV is going or my phone is turned on in front of me, I turn my phone or TV off so that person has my full attention. When I do meditate, I put my phone on silent oftentimes, because if not, the notifications pop up and distract me, and it frustrates me. I prefer no distractions when I’m meditating.

While a lot of people in the world may see these traits as negative, I’m choosing to believe that this is uniquely me. It could be considered a challenge in a bad way, or it could be considered a challenge as in: look at what I go through every day and how I still accomplish things! You know, I’m tired of the limitations that have been placed upon my life, and I know I’m part of the problem. I limit my own self because I focus on "the struggles," but I’m realizing that I need to take these struggles and use them to my benefit and to grow. If I can understand myself more each day, then it doesn’t matter who misunderstands me in the world, you know what I mean? And that gives me all the self-empowerment I need, the motivation that I desire but have struggled to embody. I truly struggle to be motivated most days to do stuff outside of dancing to music and wanting to watch movies. Facts. 🤪

You know, there’s more to life, and oftentimes you’re afraid of change. Life can be scary, but life is also beautiful, and I’m realizing that this chaotic feeling is not wrong after all. It’s just uniquely me. And if I can embrace my own uniqueness, I can embrace others in their unique ways, and I want to. We are not healing to change. We are healing to become more authentic, healthier, and happier. Our well-being and mental health is most important. We are not alone. We are more than enough, and no matter what we struggle with or face every day, it makes us who we are. Let’s own it. Let’s embrace it. Let’s learn and grow through it. It’s not about fixing yourself; it’s about maturing and just continuing forward—patiently, gently, kindly, one day at a time. 💫

What I noticed the most about myself through this test, is the level of autonomy needed and the need to be alone. Which proves I’ve been more of a loner. Sure, I can be a people person. I can be very business-like when I have to be. I learned that from my mom, of course, but yet, my mom can walk up and introduce herself to almost anyone… it takes me a hot minute to prepare myself. Even then, no guarantees I won’t stutter or say something backwards. 😝 I’m just so socially awkward at times—unless it’s a subject and topic I’m fluent in, then I am on point. Yet I can talk fast, especially when I’m nervous. (i’ve never been one to take part in a friend group. I’ve always walked to my own beat.) i’m most comfortable with people when I’m joking and making them laugh. 

My hands naturally shake, even when I’m not nervous and have since I was a little girl. I do not have a steady hand, but I have a steady mindset when it comes to the world. I’m often a voice of reason and harmony, but I definitely overthink at times and I easily dream A LOT. Since I’ve been healing, I’ve been feeling safe to dream again. I was not truly molded to fit into a normal society or reality. I am clearly from another planet, and I see the world differently than how most see it. They see a random forest, but I see the reason for the forest and what makes up the forest.

I’m detail-oriented; I have top-notch pattern recognition, but I easily get hung up on small details, to where I then have to clear my head and re-center my focus. I have bottom-up processing AND I take time to process life overall because I am so detailed and intentional. While my head might get caught up in the clouds most days, you can trust that I carefully and intentionally thought of every possible idea, perspective, and reasoning in every situation I face. I rarely leave an "i" undotted. (overthinking.) When I sign my name on something, I don’t normally go back on it, which is why I don’t like making random promises because then I feel trapped, as I can never break that promise because of my moral upbringing and my fears of imposter syndrome and the absolute need to prove I’m genuine. Even when I do act out impulsively, I have usually weighed out all of my options prior to the act.

I have constantly struggled most of my life with the belief and fear that people don’t find me real—that I’m fake—and it has caused me to over-perform in the past for most people that I loved and wanted to impress. Whew. I can be brutally honest, but I will also withhold the truth when I believe it’s going to cause damage or disrupt the peace. I’m aware that I’ve never been great with conflict or resolving issues. I have often accepted failure and walked away from situations, shaming myself, too fearful to face conflict and/or criticism. Could be a trauma response? Also, I grew up with a fear of failure that I was unaware of and have often played life very safe.

I’ve absolutely been a loner too and emotionally distant with most people. While I was great at taking care of people and making them feel important, I never put myself first. I never saw my own importance, to which I’m sorry to me, truly. This isn’t a "beat up" post; this is honest, vulnerable, and reality. I need to learn to open up more and stop performing for others in my waking life. I just need to relax more. It’s just really hard when you fear people won’t understand or accept you. That’s why finding like-minded people who do understand the way your mind works is so healing and wonderful. Finding someone who truly gets you is just so rare. ✨

The results said I’m prone to self-criticism, and that makes sense because it felt like once I got my results, the website was shining a light on all of my flaws that I need to work on still… I instantly began to break myself down, even though this test was just for fun. You gotta wonder how much of your personality is truly “you”, how much was just projected onto you throughout your life, and how much is a trauma response? No matter what, we have to remember that we are always worthy of love and more than enough for the right people and not all of your flaws are negative. Sometimes your greatest weaknesses can end up being your greatest strengths, right? Take your life one day at a time. 💫

7-08-26 at 10:38 a.m. (0808) - 32 33 49 -

You always make me smile when I'm feelin' down

You give me such a vibe, it's totally bona fide, oh

It's not the way you walk, and it ain't the way you talk

It ain't the job you got that keeps me satisfied…

Yooour looove it feeeeels sooooo goooood and that's what takes me hiiiiiigh 💫

Dance with meeeee 💃🏻🪩🎶

This song soooo catchy stays on my mind 🤟🏻😜

Idk why this song stays on my mind but I love it💖