Unpacking Emotional Abuse

Love these little wellness shots 😍 I drink one each morning with my coffee and breakfast. They have different kinds and flavors, but I purposely drink the ones with probiotics and ginger because it helps my stomach a lot.

My store has been out of raspberry, which is the best flavor for me, but the watermelon is my second favorite, and they also have a pineapple. This brand is called “Suja.” I also love their cold-pressed juices too. 💫

Everything I survived has made me who I am today, and healing has changed me. I didn’t know healing would make me this soft and see with different eyes, but healing isn’t just about “getting over it.” Healing mends brokenness, it heals un-forgiveness, and it causes you to open your heart back up. You just have to protect this healing and your well-being. Continue to create those beautiful boundaries that keep this energy from going back and repeating the old toxic cycles.

I talk about “take your life one day at a time,” and you also need to take baby steps. You can’t rush healing, and you certainly don’t want to overwhelm what progress you’ve made. A little progress still counts, and a bad day or a mistake doesn’t erase that progress. By going slow and giving yourself time, you’re making sure you are respecting your well-being and the process. Surrender to the process and trust it!!!

Lastly, I had the most beautiful thought this morning after meditation…. Nothing is “mine.” The older version of me was possessive and jealous, but this new me in 2026 now understands nothing is “mine.” It all belongs to God and the universe. I am just passing through this life, and I can experience things, I can love people and even connect with them, but I do not own anyone or anything. This world is short, so love with a free and pure heart.

Care about people and have compassion, but understand nothing is truly yours. Meaning, don’t grip too tight. Lightly hold someone’s heart so gently and respect their well-being. Their safety and health should always be a priority above your own desires. Wow, same with me. I want to be someone’s priority in the sense that they too put my well-being above any selfish desires.

This way, we avoid toxic trauma bonds and can remain in a healthier and more secure bond. Not chasing or demanding, yet trusting the connection is there without needing it to do anything other than exist beautifully and freely.

Life is about timing and alignment. I realize this now. I’m also learning it’s safe to dream again, but I can’t give up on myself or continue to limit myself. Not going to put myself in a “box.” Just keep this gentle pace and continue to trust that healing is always happening, even when the progress is so subtle. Keep going! 💫

First off, it’s so awkward going out in public, especially by myself. I have a constant inner monologue since I can’t talk out loud to myself like I do when I’m alone, and I narrate my entire life play-by-play and overthink the whole time I’m out, lol. It’s also how I keep up with my grocery list!

Within the past month, my local grocery store rearranged almost all of their aisles to make them bigger. Which, yes, that’s good, but jeez—I can’t find everything yet! So I’m narrating in my head trying to tell myself where to go. I mean, others look lost too; it’s NOT just me trying to find where everything was moved to, haha!

It’s just part of the neurodivergent experience talking to myself all the time. I used to think talking to myself was a mental illness until I saw enough neurodivergent folks explain on TikTok that it’s simply how we process emotions, how we mask in public, struggle with imposter syndrome, and narrate ourselves in our heads.

I try really hard not to talk out loud to myself in public, but sometimes it slips out like, “Oh, that’s where they moved the frozen yogurt aisle to...” 😆 And then I realize other people are walking next to me, hearing me talk out loud to nobody. Hahaha, ooops!

Yes, I’m not socially anxious, just awkward. I’ve always been extremely awkward and I sometimes stutter even when I’m not nervous, or I can talk too fast when I’m put on the spot. It just depends on who I’m talking to and how comfortable I am.

I’ve also said things backwards my whole life! My mom used to tease me for it too. I used to say “we’re out of paper toilet” instead of “toilet paper” and my mom would laugh and correct me 100 times. I’m not dyslexic, but I’ve always talked a little funny.

I guess also because I only had one older brother who was almost 10 years older than me, I grew up playing by myself in my room and so I learned to talk to myself even then. I always stayed in my room unless I was watching TV in the living room or playing outside.

Knowing there are other neurodivergent people out there with similar experiences makes me feel less weird. Not sure I ever want to be truly “normal,” but I do pray every day to heal time blindness and executive dysfunction. Just gotta take this life one day at a time. 💫

6-05-26 at 6:44 p.m. (666) - 32 33 49 -

This song won’t get out of my head 🎶

I’ve never tried this drink before, but it kind of tastes like chocolate milk! It’s definitely an acquired taste, but look—it has energy and caffeine, plus 20g of protein, and it’s lactose-free. It has a lot of better ingredients inside it than most drinks do, making it the perfect drink for running all of my errands, especially when we’re up in the 80s now. Although I love hot coffee more than I love cold coffee, lol!

My goal for 2026 physically is to gain weight, which has been incredibly hard to do, especially because I had to cut out a lot of gluten and carbs because of the rosacea. Not only that, but I’ve also had to cut out most dairy, so it’s just incredibly hard to gain weight right now. But I’m not giving up. Family members are always making comments about my weight, and that makes it even more of a struggle because I just want them to love and accept me where I’m at, and to encourage me rather than to complain that I’m too skinny when I never set out to be like this.

It’s OK, I’ve long forgiven myself. I know I didn’t purposely cause myself to lose all this weight, and I will find a way to gain weight whatever I have to do and stay healthy on top of it. You have to prioritize your well-being and you have to manage stress.

When you’re neurodivergent like me, you’re very sensitive to everyone around you and their emotions, and when other people are stressed, you can’t take on their stress for them. You have to separate yourself from that. That doesn’t mean you push people away; it just means that you don’t carry all their emotions, but pray for them and show them love and encouragement.

That’s as far as it can go, and that’s where the boundary is set. The boundary is protective—not just for you, but for that person you love and care about too. Be patient with yourself, give yourself all the love that you can, and take your life one day at a time. 💫

Something else to know about me is that often times I will start a movie at night if I’ve gotten all my chores done and I have a little time before going to bed, but then once it’s bedtime, I shut the movie off and I often will finish it the next morning when I’m having my coffee and breakfast if I feel up to it. Last night I started Zootopia, the first one, and it is so good.

I love the scene where Officer Hopps and Chief Bogo are discussing how she believes she broke Zootopia, and he lets her know that the world was already broken, but that just by her being there, she’s already making the difference. But I know she doesn’t feel good enough because she’s not seeing the change yet. She didn’t have all the answers she needed on her journey, so she just went back home for a while to re-ground herself before she could go back to Zootopia stronger with more intuition and knowledge.

I love to break down movies that I watch and take what lessons I can from them. I always put myself in the storyline... It’s just who I am being neurodivergent. I don’t just watch a movie or listen to a song, I become the movie or the song.

I wrote a song, I think in 2024, and it said, “They don’t wanna be changed, they just wanna see change.” That song came to me while I was watching Zootopia because I was thinking it’s so true that if I want to see change in my life, I have to be willing to change my views and beliefs.

There is a difference between having that steady belief system that carries you with a strong foundation, but also being willing to allow those beliefs to take their own shape in your life. A true belief system allows you to grow and to expand, not to control or keep you behind a set of rules—which is what a lot of people think of when they think of a spiritual belief system; they go right to religion and then to the set of rules, and that’s not what it’s about at all.

It has been said that if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything. Judy Hopps had a strong belief system when she went to Zootopia, however, her experiences shaped that belief and didn’t change it. It just expanded it and made it more grounding and real for her.

That’s how I feel about believing in God, that every day I am open to spirituality, but I am also being grounded and molded as I do the healing work and continue meditating/praying every day. I often meditate on healing because I want to be healthier and happier. I meditate on inner peace and having a more positive mindset.

I’ve also learned that you don’t have to “earn peace”—peace is not something you work for. When I started meditating, it’s like, oh my gosh, I feel anxious with everything going on around me, I need to hurry up and meditate and calm myself back down! But when you embody peace, it’s there even in situations that feel frustrating. You don’t panic, you don’t have to go run and meditate some more. You’ve already meditated when you woke up or when you went to bed, whenever it worked out for you, and that sticks. You have to trust that you’ve already done what needs to be done.

Trusting in what you can’t see is the hardest thing to do, and that takes great faith. And yes, your faith will be tested, but it can’t fail you. God doesn’t fail. Don’t give up on yourself or your journey, and remember, rather than to focus on the world changing, focus on yourself. Get yourself to a better place. It starts with one, and it can create an impact that you don’t see yet. Just like in Zootopia, it only took one bunny to start a chain reaction. 

If trauma can impact you so greatly, just imagine what healing can do!!! Please be gentle and patient with yourself, learn to be kind and loving towards yourself, and take your life one day at a time. 💫

I haven’t seen Zootopia 2 yet, but I am looking forward to watching it eventually. 🎥

Ah yes, it finally went through!! I was able to create my new song. I thought for sure it was either gonna tell me that the system is still unavailable or that I’m out of credits, but in fact, I got to generate the song twice and I got it on the second try. The first try was good, but the second try was better. I’m glad I didn’t rush this song this morning. I guess when I get excited it’s like I want the finished product right away, but oftentimes good things come to those who wait!!!

So what is “Bus Stop“? You know, about a month ago when I was deep in meditation, I saw like nine song titles, and this was one of them. Of course, as I wrote it down, I was laughing in my head like, "this is so silly, I feel crazy in this moment," you know what I mean? I thought, "why in the world would I think of this title that sounds so juvenile?" and I thought about it off and on, wondering what in the world it could mean.

Until eventually, it all hit me that this song is the literal version of “trusting the process”. Your healing is not late. It’s not early. It’s right on time. You are becoming. You are doing the inner work, and you are surrendering and seeing the progress a little at a time. Although there are times you feel like you’re waiting on this potential “bus” to show up, it’s like you’re waiting on transformation and manifestation. You are building the architecture of your brand-new Life.

There is so much power in this waiting period. You might feel like the waiting is holding you back, but it’s not—it’s making you solid. It’s creating a foundation underneath your feet that is stable. You are becoming a more secure version of yourself. You are not rushing ahead of the process.

When I realized what "Bus Stop" meant to me, the song became alive to me, and I’m sorry that I almost rushed it this morning. I know I don’t have to perform or prove myself. I am worthy of love, I am going to embody love, and I am healing every day. I’m growing. I’m not the same girl I used to be. I’m continually changing, and I’m not becoming someone new or someone else—I’m just grounding myself securely.

Yes, I get in my head all spiritually, and I get excited when I see spiritual signs in life, but the universe has continually been telling me that I’ve been so busy with my head in the sky looking at all these “signs” that I’m missing what is actually happening inside of me. I’ve been retraining my nervous system, and I survived days that I wouldn’t have survived when I was younger.

I am not just retraining my nervous system; I’m working on the relationships around me as I do the work. I can see it changing on the outside because the outside world is a mirror of what’s inside of you. It’s all crazy, I know, but this whole entire album, “Luxury in Love,“ is the manifestation and the architecture of my brand-new Life of healing—Life after doing all the hard inner work. The younger me would not recognize this version of me because I did not have the understanding or the tools back then, but now I have all I need.

It’s not just impacting me; it goes around me. Because as I am learning to be safe, learning to get out of survival mode, and trusting myself again, I can begin to build trust with others. I am impacting others because I am not just protecting my well-being, I am protecting theirs too. I’m creating those healthy boundaries every day because I do love people. 2026 is the year that I love people correctly. It’s the year that I am trying to be a healthier and happier version of me.

I want to build a legacy of healing for future generations so they can see that healing IS absolutely possible, and that trusting the process is not crazy—it works. Whoever you are, whatever you’re healing from, don’t give up, and take your Life one day at a time. 💫

Please enjoy my new song, ”Bus Stop”. 🛑🎶

As I continue to watch Disney movies, I am now on Monsters, Inc., and I have to say the second one, Monsters University, is my favorite out of the two. I love the end where Mike Wazowski basically says he is okay with being okay. If you grew up with limiting beliefs, or with people coming against you, then you understand the feeling of not feeling good enough or feeling like a failure in life. But sometimes, just being okay is better than anything.

I also love that Mike and Sulley went ahead and hired on in the mailroom at Monsters, Inc. and worked their way up to their dreams as scarers. I do believe anything you dream of takes hard work and patience. I also think there is perfect timing and alignment, and that is exactly what I’ve been learning in my own life. Life is more than just conventional success; it’s more than a job and I believe real success isn't just bound to this earth.

As a spiritual person, I don't believe this world is all there is to offer. Oftentimes, the material world can feel very empty and superficial, and that is why I’ve been focusing so much on my spiritual journey. Of course, you have to find the balance between your spirituality and grounding yourself in everyday life—you do have to be practical and realistic—but I don't want to lose my childhood dreams completely, whether they become something tangible or not.

You can’t give up on yourself. Not every closed door is a permanent "no." Sometimes it’s simply not the right door, or it’s just not the right time. People say rejection is redirection, and that is so true. There are times when you think there is no hope left, and yet everything turns around for you because miracles are real.

I’ve experienced many miracles in my life. The fact that I’m still alive and breathing is a miracle in itself, and every day that I spend healing is another milestone. I am not the same girl I was even a few months ago. I have changed my view and my perspective on so many situations, both past and present, and I am continuing to grow every single day. Life is a journey worth taking, and you are not alone. Please take your life one day at a time. 💫

It seems the universe tested me this morning, and honestly, I am so grateful for it. It is teaching me to slow down, to breathe through the moments that used to cause anxiety, and to simply let everything work out exactly the way it is supposed to. No matter what is happening around me, I am learning to remain secure, stable, and steady. I am continuing to re-center my focus on what truly matters in life: realizing that I no longer have to perform. I am inherently worthy of love, and I don't have to prove myself to anyone.

Earlier today, I spent my morning working deeply on a song that I’ve been channeling for about a week now. The lyrics finally poured out of my heart completely. I have been practicing so much patience with this track—which is ironic, because the song itself is entirely about patience and no longer rushing!

When I went to generate the music, Suno AI’s system notified me that the generator was temporarily unavailable. I tried clicking it a few more times, and it’s possible I’m out of credits for the day. In the past, a moment like this might have caused me to panic or feel incredibly frustrated. I spent so much energy on it and was so excited to hear how it would sound! But as I sat there, I realized something beautiful: it simply wasn't meant to come through right now.

Just because the lyrics are written doesn’t mean the audio itself is ready to be born. If and when it is meant to happen, it will unfold with absolute ease. This specific song was actually one of the nine song titles that came to me vividly during a past meditation session. Back then, I wasn't entirely sure what this song would even be about, but now I understand the exact life lessons the universe was preparing me to learn through it. I am learning the lessons in real-time as I write.

When you have survived deep trauma, your nervous system naturally tries to tightly control every moving part of your life just to keep yourself safe. But stepping out of survival mode requires us to completely relinquish that control. We simply cannot force the timing of anything.

I look at myself today and realize I am not even close to the same person I was a few months ago. I am seeing beautiful, healthy shifts in my relationships all around me. Even with my dad—though we still often pick on each other— he has become more loving towards me. By maintaining my peace and setting healthy boundaries, I am noticing that people are no longer showing up anxiously around me, and most importantly, I am learning not to show up anxiously myself.

Life is entirely too short to spend it stressing over what we cannot control. We don't know what tomorrow holds, and the universe explicitly reminded me today not to carry tomorrow's weight into the present. Today is a beautiful, sunshine-filled day. Even though I didn’t get to hear my song generated this morning, my day is still absolutely gorgeous because everything is unfolding exactly as it is meant to. All I can do is continue to be patient with myself, love and respect those around me, and prioritize my well-being—taking this beautiful life one single day at a time. 💫

There is so much I am learning recently, and I have seen the growth inside of me. It hasn’t shown up loudly or dramatically; the growth has been so quiet, happening just a little each day. I’m truly grateful for the opportunity to grow and to become a person who is more confident and secure within myself.

I’m learning not to depend on others for my happiness. It’s not about hyper-independence either—there are absolutely people who can encourage and inspire you, but they are not the only source of your joy. I’ve been healing my anxious attachment style for a long time, and while it’s been a journey, the growth I am finding is so beautiful. I am learning to love the woman I’m becoming because I know she isn’t just strong—she’s actually softer and more vulnerable than she’s ever been.

When you really love people, you want the absolute best for them no matter what that is—even if it includes you or not. You learn that you are going to be okay. You have survived so much already.

Retraining the Nervous System 🧠⚓

Lately, I’ve been focusing on retraining my nervous system. This is something I didn’t fully understand before, because I always used to talk about “rewiring your mind.” That was all I knew until I realized that when you feel anxious about a person or a situation, you have to retrain your body. You have to pause and ask, “Hey, why are we panicking right now? What is causing this panic?”

Your body keeps the score. Your body remembers past trauma and exactly what you felt in the past. But we need to gently remind our bodies: “You might remember the past, but this is not the past anymore. The trauma is over, and we survived.”

Sometimes, your body is constantly bracing for the next traumatic event, fighting to protect you. It will put you into a freeze response, or it will cause you to want to run away and avoid certain people or situations because it wants to protect you from more pain. But we have to teach our bodies that this time is different. We are older, wiser, and more mature now. We understand life a little better.

Creating a Safe Space Within 🏠🌅

I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I am a little more secure and at peace. I can lay my head on my pillow at night and be truly content with where I am at in life right now, and who I am as I’m becoming.

If you don’t like who you are right now, or if you don’t feel good enough, I encourage you to pause and ask yourself: “Who am I? Why don’t I feel good enough? Who made me feel this way, and how can I fix it?”

There is always a way. Remember the famous quote by George Herbert:

“Where there is a will, there is a way.”

Healing IS possible when you take the time to learn about attachment styles and how they impact you and others. I’ve spent a lot of alone time reflecting, breaking myself down, and doing the inner work. While it is often hard work, it pays off in the end. Progress does not announce itself loudly, but you will see it over time.

Please be gentle and sensitive toward yourself. Be patient, and live your life intentionally, one day at a time. 💫

Once he gets comfortable, he will talk people's heads off and does more talking than listening, whereas my mom is friendly with everyone there and does more listening than talking—and I’m somewhere in between them, while my brother is the most outgoing of us all. My mom and brother are both managers at their jobs, so they are used to being around a ton of people and making connections all day long, but my dad and I are not.

Yesterday, my dad stayed busy at the birthday party we went to, taking out the garbage from the party, and my brother said to my mom and me that my dad was just using that as a distraction so that he doesn’t have to open up to people or get close. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me look at my family dynamics and realize that my dad is a very hard worker, and by being out of town so much when I was young, he was busy working to make money as his way of supporting us.

Making sure our physical and financial needs were met was his way of showing love and being protective as a provider, rather than spending emotional time, sharing feelings, or saying "I love you." The emotional distance makes so much sense now. I was the family caretaker growing up, always doing for everybody, and even now, I still find myself trying to help out with the garbage or cleaning just to stay busy too. I realized it’s exactly like my dad—using busyness as a form of distraction to keep from opening up and letting people too close. It almost HAS to be a neurodivergent thing.

This realization made me think about my own attachment style more than anything, because I don't want to always keep people out of my personal life, stay isolated, or be lonely. I thought I was always the black sheep, and though I made all kinds of "connections" through life growing up, nothing was ever truly super deep or meaningful except for those few people I let into my inner circle from the internet. Even they were physically distant though.

It was hard to let people close because I was homeschooled at 15, raising my family, and caretaking for my grandmother with dementia while carrying the secret dream of trying to be a famous songwriter. On top of that, I struggled with a horrible porn addiction since I was 15; I was so ashamed of myself, and there were only a few people I felt safe talking to about it with who understood and didn't judge my childhood trauma. We were in trauma bonds back then, and I didn’t know it, but it all makes sense now. In 2026, I am now reconnecting with myself, learning to love myself, and becoming secure in myself first so that I can continue to feel safe to open up to others.

Every day when I am meditating on healing, I focus on healing my disorganized attachment style and breaking down emotional barriers. In the past, I was either extremely obsessed with a man or pushing him completely away, never knowing how to balance love with healthy space. I see myself in my dad's behavior, but I want to change and walk this healing journey out with real action so my family and friends can see my progress. I want to change past patterns.

Those few people in my life that I truly feel connected, aligned, and safe with are the people I hold very dearly, and I am trying to treat them in the healthiest way possible. No longer in trauma bonds but now in healing bonds. Trust is not easy after everything, and it takes baby steps and great courage to open up again, but I am surrendering to the process and taking my life step-by-step, one day at a time. 💫

It was kind of funny but deeply validating because I know I’m not crazy for the relationship I have with my dad. He seems to have it with everyone in the family except for my baby niece. He seems to show favoritism towards her, and I guess it’s because she’s the baby of the family. Everybody wanted to go see this waterfall on the way home, and I was in between. I really didn’t mind what we got to do yesterday; I was just happy to spend the day with my kids. No one was sure if my dad would want to go either, so we sent my baby niece to ask. We all agreed that my dad probably couldn’t say no to her like he would the rest of us, and sure enough, he said yes to her! We all thought it was so ironic and we laughed about it lol.

I think my sister-in-law saw even more yesterday just how much my dad and I pick on each other, even when I try so hard to be respectful, loving, and supportive of him. I know my dad deeply cares about me in his own protective way, but he’s getting older; his hearing has gotten worse, and he doesn’t hear half the things I say. It gets misconstrued, and it’s frustrating because I’m not trying to come at him defensively, but then he gets defensive towards me.

We went to the waterfall, we went to Buc-ee’s, and then we stopped at a nice restaurant to eat. After we ate dinner, it was finally time to go home. I was in the car with my two nieces, and we were just laughing and playing games. It was just a wonderful, wonderful night. My nieces are like my own kids, and they are so much like me. We think alike, and we were getting silly because we were getting tired, so all three of us were laughing together. I was actually sad when the night was over and my parents dropped me off at my house. I almost didn’t want to go home. I truly wanted to spend more time with the kids because they’re grown now, and I don’t get to spend time with them like I did when they were little. Not that I don’t enjoy my private space—and truthfully, I was exhausted—so I tried to meditate before I fell asleep, but I kept falling asleep during meditation. But I slept pretty much the entire night and even slept in late, and now I’m just taking it easy and reflecting on my beautiful day yesterday.

Also, I met a lot of my dad’s cousins at that birthday party, and I even saw a couple of faces that I hadn’t seen since I was a kid. Of course, my great-aunt who is 102 didn’t know who I was, and that’s OK (she’s an aunt by marriage). She is doing so well to be 102 years old, and she had a baby sister sitting next to her who was 88 years old!!! I was blown away by my dad‘s family and how strong they all are. I would say yesterday was a huge success, and I was so happy I went.

We took a lot of photos yesterday and I even got one with my brother. 💫

It’s addicting to stay in chaos or chase it. When you first get to a more peaceful environment, your body doesn’t recognize safety yet—it feels bored or out of place. Even feels too good to be true. You don’t quite fit into your new peaceful environment. Safety is unfamiliar and takes time to get adjusted to. Even if your mind registers peace, your body is still fighting and won’t stop fighting until you retrain your nervous system. I’ve spent years rewiring my mind before I ever could start to retrain my nervous system… healing takes time!!!

You will have an identity crisis as you come out of survival, because who are you when you’re not masking and wearing your survival shield? That’s why you have to go on your self-discovery journey and get spiritual. Reconnect with yourself. Most therapists tell you to be in nature and go barefoot outside. I didn’t do that. I have reconnected to me through meditation and prayer. Through writing music and childish hobbies. Lately, I’ve been watching all the old Disney movies I watched as a kid, plus I have gotten brave and watched some newer Disney ones too (newer to me). You can’t shame or rush yourself. Plus, you HAVE to be gentle and talk so kindly to yourself.

The world is often a cold and “dog-eat-dog” world. Not everyone understands being gentle towards trauma survivors. That’s why you have to treat yourself better. Don’t solely depend on others to heal you. You’re not alone, though. God sees you and others do too!! I feel only survivors understand you because they too have survived. Pray for each other and be patient with yourself. Your body needs time to catch up with you, but it will catch up.

When your body tenses up to prepare you for “potential danger,” you have to lay your hand on your stomach and convince yourself, “I’m safe.” That’s retraining your nervous system! I’ve learned to say to my body, “Thank you for protecting me all those years, but we’re okay. You don’t have to protect me right now.” When your nervous system tries to freeze and protect you, you start to feel paralysis creep in, but breathe through it. Do your grounding techniques. The other day, I grabbed onto my stove door handle in the kitchen and just felt it. I told myself, “See? I can feel stuff. I’m in reality.”

Healing IS possible, but work through it. Roll up your sleeves and don’t stop going forward. Lastly, when you can’t ground yourself or feel yourself losing the battle, remember a bad day doesn’t cancel out your progress. You just try again the next day. Live your life one day at a time!!! 💫

Right… I’ve had to overcome countless fears and obstacles in my life. Being neurodivergent, I had so many fears in childhood. I didn’t start to enjoy the fireworks at Disney World until I was like 15, and that’s because I remember convincing myself I was safe—and that yes, the boom of the fireworks was loud, but it was so pretty.

My parents couldn’t understand me as a kid. My dad would yell at me and say, “You’re missing it! Look how pretty it is!” But as a child, I would cover my ears and eyes, scared every time the “boom” rattled my chest. I believed I was unsafe in that moment. While it was very real for me, eventually, I loved the beauty and the colors of the fireworks more than I feared the boom. 💥

I still have some major fears I’ve not been able to overcome… I still hate roller coasters to this day. Lol! I get sick just riding in a car, let alone being turned upside down on a roller coaster. My biggest fears on this current healing journey are trusting in myself and life again. I’ve been getting back to life, but from a safe distance. I’ve always been stuck between “I’m a people person, but I’m closed off.”

I only open up when I feel truly seen behind the neurodivergent mask and feel I won’t be judged when I talk about struggles of mine or past addictions. Then, when I believe a person understands my past addictions and behaviors, suddenly I want to talk to them more and deeper because “they get it.” It’s just rare to have.

Welp, it’s later than I expected to stay up and I HAVE to get up super early. 🤪 Goodnight world. I’m taking you one beautiful day at a time. 💫

Not only that, since I’ve been observant, I've witnessed a lot of things and been in on a lot of conversations throughout my life—I just don’t always have a response. I have countless stories to tell because of this. My aunt Vicki was telling me a story today at the wedding shower about a great-uncle of mine I never got to meet. Apparently, he was a traveling preacher who rode on an actual mule 😳 and he traveled around to all these churches. I have no idea what year this uncle died, but it’s stories like these where I picture it all in my head.

My dad’s family are all a bunch of storytellers like that. I believe they’re all neurodivergent, but they grew up in a time where schools didn’t label you. My dad would be so defensive if I told him he had an attention deficit or time blindness. He didn’t accept it when I was labeled in school. That’s why I don’t bring it up to him, but I mentioned it to one of my nieces today and she agreed.

Back when I was able to generate fun videos on "Sora 2 AI," a couple of those videos described me as being a “scribe” and said I had many stories inside of me… it all makes sense. I feel no one could explain being neurodivergent when I was a child, and so I spent my life feeling so misunderstood and as if something was “wrong with me,” just to find out in 2026 that I have bottom-up processing and that I’m actually a very detailed person. I tend to write my posts in great detail, then I hyper-focus to condense my posts so they’re not so overwhelming, and I try not to jump from subject to subject, but it’s so hard. Lol! I say so little in my waking life, that’s why I write so much here.

I’m learning to understand myself each day a little more so I can grow and reach my untapped potential. I want to leave a legacy for future generations that healing IS possible. Also, that being neurodivergent is a gift, not a curse. Learn to understand yourself and how to maneuver struggles such as time blindness. Most importantly, prioritize your wellbeing and live intentionally, one day at a time! 💫

I’ve had a lot to plan lately with all these parties 😝 Last weekend was a baby shower, and this weekend it was a wedding shower today, and tomorrow is a birthday party! 🥳 Haha when you have such a big family/church family like mine, the parties just don’t stop. While someone is getting married, someone else is having a baby, and then you can bet there is a graduation and birthday party in between.

Tomorrow one of my great-aunts will be 102!!! That’s insane to me, and apparently there are second and third cousins I’ve never even met, or at least don’t remember them, that own a farm and I’m going to see it tomorrow for this aunt’s birthday 😳 Hoping there aren’t a lot of farm animals, but I have no idea what to expect. It’s a 4-hour drive for me. Well, I’m riding with my parents and taking my bro’s kids 🥰

I always get motion sickness on long car rides, but I am excited to be with the kids now that they’re all grown just about and they don’t “need me” anymore… it’s emotional, so I enjoy when they slow down and have personal time to spend with their old uncool aunt. Haha!

I’m sure we’ll have great conversations on the way to the farm we’re going to. This farm is named after our family so that’s cool. Hopefully I’ll get a t-shirt with our name on it because they sell merchandise from this farm. 🙃 Pretty cool. I didn’t know this farm existed till recently. I guess it’s my grandpa’s nephew who owns it?? I love when I learn family history and meet new family members who are similar to me. I have two cousins getting married this year plus one is having a baby, but that doesn’t mean another won’t turn up pregnant… I can’t even count how many family members we have atm. I know it’s a lot though!!!

Just watched Cruella, and the vibe of this movie is obviously quite the opposite of Cinderella. While Cinderella was forgiving, Estella wanted revenge. 😳 Okay, but let’s look at the positive and inspiring parts of this storyline. Estella’s real mother throws her away. Estella then loses the only mother she knows. The storyline actually started out just like The Lion King. Much like Simba, Estella believes she’s responsible for her mother’s death and runs away. She meets a couple of friends and hides out with them.

Yet, Estella has this inner drive to be in fashion. It’s where she feels a sense of “belonging,” not ever knowing her biological mother is an iconic fashion designer. This drive brings her to actually work for her real mother, and yet she finds herself in competition with her. It's ironic, but destiny. What inspired me was that Estella lost everything at first, just to find a family to call her own, and then she begins to build her own brand slowly. Eventually, she finds herself the rightful owner of “Pride Rock”—aka The Baroness label. Lol. Exactly like Simba.

What was so special and iconic to me was how the movie did a “three amigos” trick with the multiple Cruellas at the end. It was a classic trick, and I smirked at this part of the movie. This film had its moments of chaos and pure malice, which I ignored, but it equally lit a spark inside of me. I want to build my brand against all odds from my past, too. I want to heal and grow every day. I don’t want revenge on anyone, nor do I hold a grudge. Yet, my revenge has been to heal until I’m unrecognizable, rising up to meet my actual potential.

The ending of this movie, where Roger played the piano and sang “Cruella de Vil”—ahh, it gave me chills!!! What a brilliant ending. Only Disney does it right like this. 👏🏻 The song choices throughout the movie were especially elite, and the ending credits gave me Gossip Girl vibes, which would make sense. I truly did enjoy this movie from start to finish, but I was able to separate the lessons from the chaos.

You don’t have to be loud to make a name for yourself. You can quietly do the inner work and be iconic all on your own. Not everyone will know my story, but the ones who need it will. I only hope to be healthier, happier, and live up to my potential! Yes, just like “Estella” was dead and buried, so is the older, anxious, and toxic version of me!!! 💫

I’m trying so hard to figure out what I really want to do with my life. Can I continue this lifestyle doing something that’s fairly easy, just laboring, that I’ve always done, and where I can easily get more work? I had another lady yesterday saying that when she retires, she hopes that I would take over her housework for her full time, and it just never stops. There are all these women that are wanting me to clean their houses, which I guess should be a compliment to me that they think I’ll do a good job. But it’s a lot of hard work. Carrying vacuums, mops, and scrubbing toilets is not fantastic, but someone, I guess, has to do it. The toilets don’t clean themselves. 😝 It’s a very humbling job. It’s not fancy; it’s not glamorous. It’s not one where I get to wear high heels, although I do get to create my own schedule, which is what I’ll always do.

I’ll never be able to survive an office job that’s a 9-to-5. I think that I would literally jump off a bridge because the idea of being stuck in a little office all day long doing the same thing repetitively would absolutely make me crazy. I don’t know how neurotypical people do it. I don’t like to plan my days out. People ask me, "Oh, what days do you go clean?" and it’s like, "Whatever days I feel like," you know? I don’t want to give myself a set schedule; I don’t want people to put me on a schedule either. (Pervasive drive for autonomy)

At the same time, I can’t function without a true schedule. I really struggle to get my tasks started. I end up waiting until the last minute, and then I am rushing around. But also, I get so tired anymore, and I keep telling myself, "You’re allowed to sit down." I don’t have to push myself just because I want to get done as quickly as possible. I don’t want to take a bunch of breaks; I just want to get it over with. But at the same time, my body is screaming at me like, "Please sit down, I’m tired." And it’s like, how are we this tired, but yet I’ve been doing this my whole life? Is this what I’m willing to do for years to come?

You try to figure out which of your childhood dreams is actually realistic and could become something that sustains you, ya know? I’ve heard people say that if you offer to play music for free, you’ll always play music for free. I can tell you that as much as I've cleaned my whole life, I’ve played music my whole life for free, and I always will play music no matter if I make money at it or not. I know when I told my dad at 13 that I would be a famous musician one day and make a lot of money for the family, my dad laughed at me and said no, that it wasn’t possible for me, and not to stress about it. He said he would make sure I had enough money and that he would always “take care of me” and the bills, for me to let that dream go. I was just thinking like, why is that so impossible for him? Why doesn’t he believe it’s possible when he loved music as much as me? Maybe my dad didn’t think I was that good; I don’t know what he thought, but it doesn’t matter now.

As much as I have cleaned and have had people ask me to clean their houses, I’ve also had people ask me to play piano for their weddings. I’ve played in countless weddings for people, and I even wrote a song for a wedding in 2021. I wrote a song for my friends, Cole and Skylar, because Skylar said she wanted to walk down the aisle to “one of my originals”, and I couldn’t believe she asked me to do it. 🥺 Then I tell myself, I don’t wanna be the “traveling wedding band” either. I just don’t wanna think small anymore in 2026. Yet I know I have to think realistically.

As I’m continuing to heal the past trauma, it’s like I’m starting to realize I’ve been thinking so small my whole life. I’ve been self-sabotaging, I’ve been undermining myself and being so hard on myself. Why didn’t I think dreams are possible? Is it just my dad‘s voice is in my head telling me it’s not realistic, or what? All I know is healing IS possible, and the fact that I’m considering childhood dreams anymore is a huge milestone in this journey.

When I started this blog in 2023, all I could think about was ruminating on past relationships, and I couldn’t stop talking about past boyfriends over and over obsessively. Now here I am in 2026, talking about childhood dreams again. It feels really good, too. I don’t know what dreams will come true and what dreams will stay in my heart, but I’m open. Every day I tell the universe I surrender everything, and I receive what’s meant for me. I’m aligning myself with what’s meant for me, I am loosening my grip, and I’m slowing down. I’m convincing myself to stop watching the clock every day and start focusing on getting myself together more. You’re not completely healed in one day. It’s a process. Surrender to the process and be patient and gentle with yourself. Take your life one day at a time. 💫