shut the fuck up, spider.

hello mutuals just so you know im gonna delete the tumblr app from my phone. i hardly use it anymore really, ive gone months without updating some of my blogs, my favourite fandoms are either dead or hibernating. the vibes just aren’t the same and i don’t really need to be here. i might still check up via desktop from time to time and my blogs are all gonna still be here even if im not active but uhhhh yeah this was just to let my mutuals know that im not dead or ive not disappeared off the face of the earth or anything im just not around on here anymore. mutuals can feel free to message me for my other socials if you wanna keep in touch in some way, ill check back here soon in case and try to get back to you but other than that uhhhh yeah. bye bye <3

this is gonna be a really ranty post but i just have to get these thoughts out my head y’know bc i’ve had a really bad few days anxiety-wise and i think if i just get this to stop rattling around my head quite so much it might help. i totally understand why people say to be proud of the little things you do when you’re struggling with your mental health yeah. we take things in small steps, we don’t try too much at once, we go at our own pace and let things improve slowly rather than trying to rush anything. we have to be proud of ourselves when we do the things that we struggle with. but i never see anyone talk about how hard that actually is, being proud of yourself for small things, i mean. like how the fuck am i meant to be proud of myself when the thing i’m celebrating is “i talked to someone today”? how am i meant to go about my life being proud of something i see people do effortlessly? how am i meant to be proud knowing that seemingly everyone around me doesn’t have to pluck up courage for up to several weeks or months just to fucking open their mouths? it’s so easy for people who don’t get it to sit there and say “but you did it! that’s something to be proud of!” but i certainly don’t feel fucking proud. i feel like a failure for having a to celebrate something most people wouldn’t. and it feels so patronising when my parents say i’ve done well for talking to people in my classes because i really struggle with it, even though i know they mean it in a good way and it’s coming from a kind place. idk maybe the being-proud-of-little-things works for some people, and if it works for you then i’m really glad, you do you, but i’m going to need an alternative that doesn’t make my mental health worse than it started out because this is becoming absolute bullshit

guess who just added their first cry of the year to their 2023 crying tracker🤩

lmao after writing that other post I just remembered the last English language essay I wrote at secondary school included a very blatant callout to senior leadership for not taking issues like bullying seriously enough despite claiming to prioritise it more than anything and honestly that was such a slay on my part love that for me

sometimes i think i hate college but then i remember how my secondary school made us sit with our tutor groups at lunch instead of our friends since they “did not want pupils without friends to end up sat alone” but that happened anyway because i had no friends in my tutor group and i just ended up sitting alone in the middle of the table getting bullied every lunch time while watching my friends on a different table actually enjoy their lunch and it slowly became the worst part of my day every single day and then i realise actually college is fucking great and i’ll miss it when i leave whereas i’ve never missed that hellhole of a secondary school