Thinkin about how as kids parents told us to clean our rooms without having ever shown us how to themselves, taught us any organizational skills, spatial management, or any other knowledge necessary to know how to efficiently tackle a mess without getting overwhelmed and then got exasperated when we as ten year olds didnât justâŚâŚfigure it out
This is not a dunk on my parents for the record. I had wonderful parents growing up and still have an amazing mom. I think this is just one of those smaller and common things of parenthood that I think addressing would be monumental in reducing a very common household stressor. If parents led their children in cleanups and helped them reason out plans to manage their time and stuff, especially neurodivergent kids, the entire household would be a lot more calm, streamlined, and overall happy I think!!!
Iâve got one 7 year old perfectionist (possible ADHD) and one sweet 5 year old hurricane (DEFINITE ADHD) and me (also brain full of cats, despises prolonged supervisory things). Hereâs some things Iâve learned specific to that that are also generally good for teaching kids to clean. (Or yourself.)
1. If you want a kid to clean, first you have to teach them to even see mess. They donât! But it does stress them out.
âOkay, letâs look for something out of its place. If itâs on the floor, itâs out of place. If itâs on your bed and itâs not a blanket, itâs out of place.â
2. Go by category, itâs easier to find stuff to put away if your search engine has a specific target, and itâs more satisfying and efficient to put away a big chunk of mess at once.
âGot something? Ok, are there other things like it? Letâs find all the BOOKS. I will HELP YOU.â
3. Important!! Donât walk away from a kid with focus issues expecting them to instantly learn a task and finish it! You are setting them up to fail! The first several times you need to be there for the whole process and demonstrate by helping. That motivates them. They feel less panic that youâll bail and theyâll be stuck alone not knowing what to do next. Narrate what youâre doing, too. Help and supervise less as they seem to need you less.
âIâll get the books on the floor, can you help me get the ones under your bed? I canât fit!â
4. In my experience most kids, but especially kids with ADHD would walk to the fucking moon to help you, they just need a clear plan, keep the criticism light, short, and to the point, and ffs PRAISE THEM when they do things right, cause weâve all (I hope) seen the statistics on how much more negative interaction they get compared to other kids (and rejection sensitive dysphoria is a motherfucker). But more than praise you need to show them how what they did was good for THEM. Do nooooooooot take this opportunity for an âI told you soâ or a âfinallyâ or you will suck out all their accomplishment.
âHey, great job, you found that horse you were missing because you cleaned! And your room looks so nice! Itâs really comfortable to play in now, and you did that.â
5. Emphasize it does not have to be perfect or complete to be worth doing. I donât want to will my kids my paralysis of inaction because I canât start part of something unless I can do all of it.
âWe donât have time to do the whole room, but letâs pick up the legos before bed so you donât hurt your feet. And then itâll already be done tomorrow!â
Other small but important things: make sure everyone is fed and not cranky when you start, including you. Do what YOU need to be in the right patient headspace for this. Put on music. Get coffee. Take breaks! Take dance breaks, tickle breaks, whatever. Make em short, set a timer, keep it consistent. Stop completely if theyâre getting overwhelmed or stressed and be prepared to finish another day. They may complain and flop around a lot the first few times. Stay tooth grindingly positive and keep at it, it WILL get better. If you mess up, start again. Itâs ok. Itâs never too late.
Iâm an adult with ADHD who finds cleaning their room a STRUGGLE, so I APPRECIATE THE HELL OUT OF THIS
I would like to go back in time and give this to my mother. She didnât define her expectations when she said, âClean up your roomâ. It was a guessing game, and I got it wrong for years. Had she said, âDo these three things to startâ, that would have made it infinitely easier on both of us.
