death / rebirth

“Aren’t you already basically rich back with Andy now?” she joked lightly. “That was a genius move on your part.” As if Rowan wasn’t only just madly in love with the man. “Ya or get him one of those like— little plastic kitchenettes. The ones kids play in?” she continued to joke, put into good spirits by Rowan. A little smile came onto Ramina’s lips, already amused that Rowan seemed to be feeling the effects of the alcohol. Once the bartender came over, she got a few more shots and lined them up on the bar top. “I suppose…if it’s for sisterhood.” She didn’t generally enjoy throwing up while drunk, but she’d do it to have some fun with one of her best friends. “Don’t think I wouldn’t custom order a sash, though. We could have a- a sort of beauty pageant for it.”

It’s said as a joke and even in her buzzed state, Rowan knows this but still she can’t help but roll her eyes just a little. “I was rich before I got back with Andy,” she points out with a quirk of her eye brows. Her paychecks from the hospital kept her more than comfortable over the years, despite the modest life that she lives. Though the gun money certainly isn’t hurting anything these days.“Just like... more so now.” She snorts at the mention of a plastic kitchenette, head shaking. “The kid’s have one at Ma’s place. Caught him pretending to bake cake with Iris in it last weekend so I’m sure he’d be psyched if I put one in our house.” Despite the apparent downswing she’s in right now, it’s hard to be in a bad mood when Ramina is around -- especially when alcohol is involved -- the brunette somehow seeming to bring out an easy side of her that she hasn’t gotten to fully enjoy the last little while. “We could custom order them or.... we could make them. I mean, it’s gonna be a shitshow, but if you’re in the running for worst friend it’s probably warranted to have an ugly sash, right? What are the standards for this? We need rules. First, obviously, is not puking in solidarity.” 

He knows what’s going to happen next – They’ve been through it before, only with a different crime scene left behind and her father knocking on their front door with a warrant. It’s difficult not to think of that night, that the anniversary of it was only a few weeks away. He tries not to let himself go back to that night, back to the things that led up to it – The way he downed a bottle of liquor while driving to the job in question, the freight train of emotions that came out of him the second his bat was in his hand, mourning the loss of their daughter in a more destructive manner. He tries not to think of Rowan at home that night, curled up in their bed staring at the wall, over come with Post-Partum Depression and grief. This is nothing like that, he tries to tell himself. They’re in a vastly different place compared to eight years ago, no longer holding on to broken seams and strings – They’re stronger than they’ve ever been, and that has to count for something. Whatever disaster meets them in the morning will be just another storm for them to weather with their hands intertwined. For now. It’s true, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. For now, she’s safe in his arms and they’re tucked away in their little corner of the universe. He sighs, nodding as she speaks. “For now has to be good enough.” He finds himself reply in a soft voice, his cheek leaned against the top of her head. “We can figured out what to do in the morning.” Andy settles with, trying not to think of the nightmare that’ll come once the sun rises. All cops, crime scenes and deaths aside – Trying to get him up and on his feet is going to be a trial enough. His eyes watch as her finger tips move up and down his side, loving the way her warm fingers cause goosebumps against his cold skin. It’s comforting, just as it’s always been. Even with the sharp pain that crawls up his leg each time he moves it slightly. 

It’s refreshing to accept Benny as their son. Andy sees him as such, but saying it out loud – That’s a different battle on their own. As far as he’s concerned, he’s been theirs from the moment they signed the adoption papers. Sylvia will always live on in memory, and he’s never going to hide that from Benny – But as far as Andy is concerned, he is Rowan and his son, and nothing can change that. It was only a matter of time before the words came out and he let himself have this – Even if there will inevitably be a certain amount of guilt that comes with it. For now, at least, he’ll enjoy this moment, enjoy that Rowan is here with him in it. “Can’t say I mind it,” he replies with a smirk, wishing he could turn to the side and kiss her properly, but knows if he tries it’ll move his leg and they’ll be back to square one. Instead, he settles with what he can reach – Kissing her forehead. They haven’t really talked about this kind of thing – Having a family, what Maddie’s death meant for their future. Everything fell apart and for a while, that was that. He’d always hoped they’d end up raising a family together, but knew realistically that it was probably out of the realm of possibility. And then along came Benny. “S’always gonna be you, baby.” He’s repeated the words to her on numerous occasions, but never strays away from a chance. There’s a pause, before he answers her. He’d been in the same boat – Andy can still remember the conversation vividly. We want four. They’re supposed to have a four kids and two dogs and one big backyard for them all to play in by now. “I did, too. I’m just glad fate had a different plan.” He finds himself admit, trying not to think of the fact that Sylvia had to die for them to get the chance to be parents. “Dunno how we’re gonna get three more, though.” He finds himself add in hopes of lightening the mood, mostly for his own sake. 

The memory of her graduation, and just how incredibly loud he was at the ceremony brings a smile to his lips. “I can think’a couple times it came in handy, I won’t lie.” Andy teases, knowing very well that if she hadn’t chosen the career she had, they would have been in far too many binds in the past – Not to mention he probably would have been dropped at the ER’s front doors tonight than rushed to the clubhouse. He owes her more than he can say, more than anything he can try to make up for – He would be dead without her, point blank. Andy would have bled out on the front steps of an ER if it hadn’t been for her steady hands and careful work. He tries to ignore the way his throat burns, trying to silently remind himself that he’ll be recovered from the bruises and sore throat in a week or so. That’s the simple part of this all – He can do bruises, that’s far too familiar territory. “You just caught on to that?” He jokes, unable to help himself from letting out another chuckle, before another cough follows. “I think we gotta come up with our own street, or something. Hit up Sesame. I know Benny likes that one.” 

For now does have to be good enough and she nods in agreement. The idea of figuring it out in the morning has her slightly on edge, but she’s tired --- the events of the entire night catching up with her, and as much as she’d love to brain storm solutions to all of their problems, she can’t right now. So she nods and presses a short kiss to the underside of his jaw and just accepts that it is what it is. She knows they’ll both do anything in their power to keep each other safe, and that fact eases the anxiety in her chest enough that she can start to relax and melt into his touch. The topic of Benny is a welcomed one, relieved to have everything out in the open. They’ve been a family since the moment they brought Benny home, and he’s been their son since the moment they finished signing his adoption papers back in summer but it’s still nice to say it all outloud. Her lips twitch up in a small smile when he reminds her for the millionth time that it’s always going to be her -- it isn’t a reassurance she needs most days, secure in the fact that he loves her just as deeply as she loves him and that they’re it for each other, but it’s still nice to hear and she lets out a short hum of agreement. “God. We’re too fuckin’ old for that. Benny gives me enough trouble,” she laughs at his comment about having three more. Four kids had always been their plan. Even when it became clear that Maddie was the only pregnancy they were going to get, they had big plans of fostering or adopting and getting that big house full of love and laughter that they always dreamed of. It’s disappointing to have never quite gotten there, but she figures they’re close enough. The house is full of so much love she doesn’t even know what to do with it all, and she’s just grateful they’ve got a family that expands beyond the two of them at all. “Two more, technically,” she points out in a quiet voice. Maddie is a hard topic still and it’s probably always going to be. They struggle their way through conversations at their therapy sessions, their doctor insisting it’s good for them, but they happen less likely when it’s just the two of them. It hurts, but Rowan finds some kind of weird comfort with talking about her --- like she needs the reassurance that Maddie had existed at all, that the pain and heartache they both endured had been for something. “She’s not any less ours just ‘cause we didn’t get to keep her.”

“Just a couple?” She counters with a quirk of her eyebrows, and a tilting of her head. She knows he’s teasing her, trying to keep things light and get them out of that doom and gloom they’ve rightfully fallen into, and she’s willing to play along even if her eyes do linger on the purple bruises around his throat a little too long to make her feel completely light hearted. “I’ve been slackin’ them. Not getting enough use outta it if you can only think of a couple.” Her eyes roll when he asks if she’s just realizing how impatient he is and she can’t help but scoff. “Caught onto that a long time ago, but you don’t ever let me forget it.” She counters, lifting her head from his shoulder so she can look at him. There’s a tired amusement playing behind her eyes, trying to concentrate on anything other than the ache in her hands from the makeshift surgery and the smell of blood that she can’t erase from her head. “Yeah? Get an apartment next to Bert and Ernie? Benny likes that Rubber Ducky song, y’all can give the puppets a run for their money.” She leans down to kiss him once more, hand pushing the hair that had fallen in his face back out of the way again before her nose scrunches. “Dunno how I feel about that green one rootin’ through our trash, though.”

Admittedly, Reina’s been drinking a little too much lately as a means of relieving her stress, but this is different. It’s a celebration of their husband’s finally getting rid of the looming threat that’s been hanging over them for months now, and over the club for years. Kane’s death has Reina feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders and she knows Rowan feels the same, with them both having been on the receiving end of his insanity. Reina lifts her own bottle in her sister’s direction at the toast, already drunk enough not to care about a glass, and she laughs after she takes a swig in time with Rowan. “Feels good to actually celebrate this one. Relieving.” They hadn’t celebrated like this when the other terror in their lives that was their father in law had met his match in the form of a semi-truck’s grill. Reina had still been too far up his ass to consider that she might be happy about his death, and she would’ve never done something like this at the time. Kane’s gruesome murder is a different story, though. “He really got what he deserved, huh? Prettiest sight I’ve ever seen was his bloodied fucking head stickin’ outta that stake. Did you see it in person?” Reina had sent her pictures, obviously, but it didn’t do the real sight justice and she hopes Rowan at least got a glimpse. “A fucking masterpiece, that’s what it was.”

Rowan knows what Reina means when she says this one. When their father in law had met his, in her opinion, long overdue death the idea of getting hammered and celebrating with each other was out of the question. Reina had still been his lap dog at the time and Rowan hadn’t felt secure about her place in the family, so instead she had taken it upon herself to get drunk and celebrate alone -- which was only kind of pathetic, if you asked her. But Rowan pushes that memory as far back in her mind as she can and focuses on the here and now, instead, tilting her own bottle in time with her sister. “I did,” she says with an excitement that has no business being present when talking about someone’s decapitation, but Rowan figures since Kane had literally killed her, she’s allowed to be happy about this --- not to mention the havoc he had wreaked on the rest of her family, and the club. “Made sure I drove by on my way to work, got a nice good look at it.” She takes another sip out of her bottle before remembering some of the details Andy had shared with her. Usually he’s more eager to shield her from them and usually she doesn’t want them... but this had been an exception to the rule for obvious enough reasons. “You hear his dick got cut off?” She snorts, eyebrow raising at Reina.  

“Oh my God, you mention the crocs again, I’m breaking up with you,” Eli rolls his eyes as he takes a sip of his beer. He can’t help himself but start laughing loudly just seconds after, “I will never in my fucking life even try these things on. I mean, I love Ollie, I really do, but those ugly ass motherfuckers? One day I’m gonna convince him to throw them away,” he says, a wide grin on his face. “Awww, a boys night, that’s cute. I promised Andy a boys night, we’re gonna watch Mean Girls and get fucked up. I’m about to push my movie agenda onto everyone now, gonna start Andy off with the good stuff before I show him the cheesy shitty romcoms,” Eli explains with a laugh and fuck, it’s so good to not have to talk clubs and guns and people getting hurt and shit like that for once. If this keeps up, a whole night of just talking bullshit, he’s gonna have to start going out with Ro more often. “Dude, I love that song, it’s so happening. I would smash Marvin Gaye, but I’m still more of a Whitney Houston dude. Or maybe i should do I’m every woman. I mean, is that a great idea or is that an amazing idea?”

Talking so casually about Ollie and Eli’s relationship is a little odd for Rowan, admittedly. She and Ramina have become good friends over the course of the last year and most of that had simply been because Ro had finally resigned herself to the fact that she would have to stop wanting the brunette on fire for no reason if she was going to be in Ollie’s life, and then come to find that they actually got along pretty well. So she’d been a little upset when the two had come to their abrupt end, if only being Ramina had been upset --- but she supposes in the big picture, she’s not shocked Eli and Ollie have found their way back to each other, and besides, Ramina is happy now, too, so she swallows back any uncomfortable feelings. She loves all of them, and they’re all happy now so that’s what counts, right? She lifts her hands in a faux surrender at his words, “Look, I mention the crocs with full sympathy and understanding because my idiot’s got them too,” she laughs loudly, an absolutely disgusting amount of love and adoration shining through on the word idiot. “I tried to tell him they’re for the boat only, but he’s ignorin’ that rule. So, you know, if you ever wanna burn crocs or something... call me.” The idea of Andy watching Mean Girls has her laughing again but she’s happy to hear about it. Andy’s not in a great place right now, and she’s relieved to hear that he isn’t completely secluding himself from everyone in their lives, even if it is just a movie night with Eli. “God, he needs it,” she says with a short laugh. “Can’t wait til he starts saying everything is fetch after, though.”  The idea of Eli belting Whitney Houston has her practically vibrating in her seat and she takes another swig from her drink before scrunching her nose at him slightly. “It’s an amazing idea, duh. But you’re gonna go with that when I Wanna Dance With Somebody is right there practically beggin’ you to sing it?”

@rowanthane​

The days after Thanksgiving were considered a Chambers family holiday. Alice and Neil forced their children into helping decorate their home while the grand kids watched old claymation specials in their pajamas.  And with the amount of times her family members have been walking in and out of her room, she had a feeling that no decorating was happening in the near future. The more she thought about it, the more she longed for the simplicity of standing in her parents living room telling Jace to lift his end of the garland higher. But instead she was connected to IVs and beeping machines, staring at sterile walls, trying to chase away pain killer induced nightmares.  

One bright spot in the craziness that has been the past 48 hours was her nephew. He came in this morning with Noah and wasted no time in crawling into Sutton’s bed with her and pulling up Disney Plus on his iPad, saying that Noah helped pick all her favorites. The two of them were in the middle of Mary Poppins when the door opened. She expected one of her brothers, all four of them have been hanging around - taking their self appointed job of guard dogs very seriously - all day. Or maybe Maddox, but he had gone to the garage with a promise to return after work. 

But when a familiar blonde stepped into the room, Sutton couldn’t help but give her a tight smile. Pausing the dancing chimney sweeps on the screen, Sutton smoothed her nephews hair back. “Go tell your dad that you guys should go check out the jello in the cafeteria. And tell your uncles that I’m obviously not going anywhere they don’t have to hover.” With a nod and a wave at Rowan, her nephew was gone; leaving the two women alone. In the beat of silence that followed the door shutting, Sutton wondered how much Rowan knew. How much any of them knew. But instead of asking outright, Sutton settled with a soft “I hope the idiots at my door haven’t been giving y’all a hard time. I keep tellin’ them to go…”

It takes Rowan longer to get to Sutton’s room than she would like to admit. Normally, she’s on the ball, quick to make her way to any situation involving anyone in a Primordial cut, prospects included --- especially Maddox and Sutton. But, honestly, she’s been taking more and more days off as the year comes to a close, eager to spend time with Benny and Andy, or busy dealing with the trial and the curve ball life has decided to hit Lettie in the fucking face with. So she doesn’t get the inside scoop on Sutton’s case, not having been at the hospital when she was brought in --- instead, she finds out the same time as everyone else. After she knows, though, it doesn’t take her long to make her way to the hospital and to her friend’s room. She’s familiar with Sutton’s brothers, at least the one’s who wear the patch and exchanges something that might be considered pleasantries with them if not for the fact that Sutton’s beating is hanging over them, making the environment anything but pleasant, before knocking once and walking in.

She flashes a small smile to the little boy as dashes out of his aunt’s room, waiting until the door closes behind him again before she crosses the room fully. A frown tugs down on her lips as she takes in Sutton’s appearance, her insides twisting uncomfortably and her palms itching with anger and Rowan thinks to herself that she can’t fucking wait to see what kind of price the club makes the person responsible for this pay. Sutton’s voice has her brows unforrowing, the anger melting away momentarily and she lifts a hand to wave off the brunette’s concern. “They’re no problem,” she’s quick to reassure her, “we’re used to this kinda thing by now.” She remembers her own stay in the hospital and how Andy had terrified some poor night nurse who had tried to sneak in for a quick bed check without turning the light on, taking them both by surprise.  “How’re you feeling?” Rowan takes it upon herself to pluck the chart from the place it hangs at the foot of Sutton’s bed before moving to sit in the ugly green chair at her bedside. It isn’t until she’s flicked the folder open that she realizes it could be an invasion of privacy and Sutton might not want her to look at it, but it’s what she always does when one of her people end up in someone else’s care, quick to scrutinize every action of whatever poor doctor ends up with them. “You mind?” She asks, brows raised as she lifts the documents.

Ramina laughed in her amusement before giving a little shrug. “I could be your pimp if you wanted. I’m sure we’d make great money together. We could put up flyers,” she joked, chuckling through her words. “But if you get black out how would you even remember if I had as well?” she teased before continuing on with her words. “My stomach’s just a little upset. But if you want me to puke my guts out next to you on the floor of these bathrooms…” Ramina made eye contact with the bartender, as if she was planning on ordering another drink. “I’m not ready quite yet to accept the title of officially worst friend.”

She lets out a snort of laughter, head shaking at Ramina’s comment. “We’d be rich,” she plays along with a shrug of her shoulders. “Might piss my husband off a little, though, but then I guess I could buy his compliance with a Kitchen Aid mixer or something.” Actually, now she kind of wishes she hadn’t downed those shots so fast and wasn’t already feeling kind of foggy because that’s not a bad idea for Christmas. “S’only right if you puke with me. Where’s your sense of sisterhood?” A noise of agreement sounds in the back of her throat, shoulders shrugging and her head shaking just a little. “It really is a shitty title to have. Gotta wear a sash and everything.”

Lettie knew the lawyers would find some loophole for her, but she doubted that would come with no strings attached. She was going to be spend some time in prison, she had to, and parole would probably be long. She shook her head, a little offended that Rowan would think she would without her lawyer present. “I was waiting for the lawyers before I told them anything.” She hummed before muttering under her breath just so Rowan could hear,“I need to talk to him too.” She couldn’t say Andy’s name out loud, but Rowan would know who she meant, she was sure. She wasn’t sure how she felt. She felt better than she had in a while, but she also had a large anxious knot building up in her stomach. “Not sure I can tell you that this is gonna play out well. Here’s hoping though.” She let out a bitter little laugh,“And to think I was gonna spend today applying to grad programs.”

It’s a hard situation to be in for all of them but the reality is that after the shit show the job had turned into, this is the best case scenario for them. They’re both alive, the cops barely have anything --- and Lettie’s past makes her the ideal one out of her and Andy to be in this situation. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that it fucking sucks -- that Lettie’s life is going to be completely derailed by this and there isn’t anything she can do to help her. Even if she did sell out Andy, it wouldn’t change the fact that she’d been the one to pull the trigger, wouldn’t magically get her out of this cell and off ATF’s radar. Rowan can feel her own frustration growing at that thought, her constant need to be in control of everything taking over and the fact that she has literally no control here taking it’s toll. “They should be here soon.” She reassures with a small sigh, instinctively looking over her shoulder as if on cue the lawyer is going to stroll through the doors. “You know we’re gonna take care of you, right? Doesn’t matter what happens.” Rowan’s already going through list of possible outcomes in her mind and how to deal with it all, starting with paying Lettie’s legal fees to paying someone to protect her in prison (because as much as she hates to say it, that is a very real possibility) to whatever else might come up. The mention of grad programs has a knot forming in Rowan’s stomach, a sad and sympathetic smile twitching on her lips temporarily but she doesn’t say anything, knowing that nothing she says is going to make Collette feel better. 

Distracted from the conversation when Benny turns to look at Ryder, smacking tiny hands against his tattooed fingers to get his hands away from his ears, the ginger couldn’t help but already miss moments like this. Things were changing, Ryder could feel it. And he knew it was tempting fate by showing up at the Thane house as much as he already did when he was on the other side of this battle. But he couldn’t help seeking solace in Rowan’s nonjudgemental gaze; the motherly affection that he so desperately needed his entire life. He shook away the feeling of remorse rising up his throat and kissed the side of Benny’s head as he mumbled “Sorry big guy, grown up stuff. You understand right?” Benny stared at Ryder like he had two heads and Ryder took that as a yes. 

So he turned back to Rowan, finally out of distractions in regards to this conversation. “I know I just…” It was embarrassing, how at 29 years old he still didn’t know how to put his own feelings into words. Like how every time he looked at Rowan he wanted to thank her for not giving up on him like everyone else. How he loved her. He knew he did. But everytime he opens his mouth to say it he turns and runs; chickens out and pretends like he’ll have the nerve to say it next time. “He was almost there, Ro. He tossed all the stuff…and I panicked because I thought he bought from us and our shit got tampered with and I thought I was going to walk in and find him dead.” Glancing at her, he shrugged. “I just don’t know where to go from here. I know that it was the withdrawal, that it wasn’t really him but,” Looking away from her, staring at Scout sniffing under the table wondering if Benny was going to drop any snacks, something that had been weighing on the ginger’s mind finally pushed it’s way out into the world. “God I’m so tired of being everyone’s punching bag, Ma.” Shaking his head, the Trojan rubs his jaw with his baby free hand. “When’s it gunna end?”

Rowan is used to having to wait out run-off sentences and tense silences by now. Two decades with Andy has made her an expert at being able to tell when someone was struggling string their thoughts and feelings together into somewhat of a coherent sentence and she sees it now with Ryder. He has never been particularly open with her -- choosing more often than not just to tell her not to worry and that everything is fine, even if she can clearly see that it isn’t. But there are times, like now, when he’ll let those walls down even just the slightest amount and Rowan is more than willing to wait it out while he figures out what he wants to say and how to say it. Part of her feels guilty when Ryder mentions the drugs that had been tampered with, knowing exactly who was behind that --- but then she remembers when their party had been crashed by bullets, and then the warehouse had been blown up and the guilt is quickly swept away. “You tell him that?” She asks, raising an eyebrow at him. Rowan doesn’t know Adrian and has no idea if hearing about Ryder’s fears would have any affect on him at all, but it’s a question worth asking. His next words have Rowan sighing quietly, moving to sit in the chair beside him and turning to look at him. “You think he just said he loves you ‘cause of the withdrawal?” She asks with a tilt of her head. It never doesn’t hurt her to hear just how unworthy of love some of the people she holds dearest in her heart think that they are. Her lips purse together and she can’t help but shake her head at his question because really, she doesn’t know. Ryder has been getting the shit kicked out of him -- literally and figuratively -- for as long as Rowan has known him, and way before that as well. “Maybe when you start recognizin’ that you deserve better than that,” she answers him honestly, her voice gentle. “You keep lettin’ people walk all over you and they’re gonna do it. People fucking suck, we both know that. You can’t be responsible for what they do, but you can be responsible for what you put up with.” 

The last thing he wants to do is admit defeat – Whatever the defeat is in this scenario. He’s tried to keep his head above water and keep swimming, but each time something wraps around his ankles and pulls him under. The last few weeks have been one thing after another, piling over him despite how hard he’s trying to remain calm – Lettie’s arrest is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. He’s tried to keep a stiff upper lip, everything in him telling him to buck up and keep moving – But truthfully? He has a feeling the the second he lets his guard down, lets himself breathe in the catastrophe that’s happening around them, and he’ll be a goner. It’s a childish fear, one only propelled forward by his own insecurities and unresolved issues – But he has a feeling if he lets his walls down, lets himself feel everything that’s going on around them, he’ll never be able to come back. He’s terrified of spiraling out of control again, of finding himself downing a bottle of scotch and throwing punches at the first cop he sees; He’s terrified their lives are bound to fall apart like it had after Maddie’s death, that they’ll end up back at square one once again and this time, they won’t make it back. He can already hear her telling him he’s being irrational, reminding him that she’s there. He has no doubt in his mind that Rowan would be by his side through anything, he’s more afraid of himself, of the destruction he’s capable of. God, he wants to feel something, but he knows it’ll only snowball into something much worse. 

So he clenches his jaw as he hits the floor, trying to ignore the way his hands shake and the unrelenting pain shooting up his leg. He’s bound to have bruises forming by now – He’d gone down hard, there was no denying that he’d end up in bed all day icing the injury tomorrow. Take your time, handsome. As if like clockwork, he voice helps keep him semi-grounded, pulling him from the thoughts plaguing him in this moment. It only lasts a second, though, before he’s reminded of why she’s telling him to take his time at all. Bullshit, he can’t help but think. This is utter fucking bullshit. He lets his eyes fall shut as her hand moves slowly on his back, a sigh following. A hand stays at his eyes in that moment, in an attempt to keep himself calm. There’s tears threatening to spill over, threatening to pull him under despite his best efforts. A silence comes with it, as Andy tries to control his breathing. It’s Rowan’s next words that push him over, and he finally begins to drown. How can I help? It’s not a particularly loaded sentence, but an honest one, enough to cause him to hunch, his hand moving to push through his hair. “Fuck, Rowan.” He begins with, voice cracking as he says her name, eyes blinking furiously as he tries to regain control of himself. She’s seen him cry plenty of times, seen him in his worst moments and he’s done just the same. It doesn’t make it any easier each time, though. It’s not often that he actually lets the tears fall and let himself give in to the grief that eats away at him – He’s teetered the edge plenty of times, but he’s sure she can count on one hand the amount of times he’s truly cried in front of her. 

“I don’t know, I don’t –” he cuts himself off, shaking his head. At some point between him saying her name and now, he’d begun to cry – He can feel the tears beginning to roll of his cheeks and hit his shirt, leaving little droplets in their path. Fuck, this is embarrassing, a voice in the back of his head reminds him, taking him back to the times when he was child crying into his pillow at night after a nasty fight at the dinner table. There’s a shame that always comes with it, telling him he should have done better, been stronger – Only digging the hole deeper and deeper each time. He’s caving in on himself, and it feels as though there’s no going back now. He takes a shaky breath, still refusing to look at her. Even though Rowan’s the only person he trusts to cry around, it doesn’t mean he enjoys her seeing him like this. He avoids eye contact each time, his hand moving to wipe at his cheeks to remove the evidence – Only to end up replaced with new tears soon after. Another pause, before he’s letting out something between a scoff and a bitter laugh. “I can’t even get up, Christ… How fucking pathetic is that.” He states rather than questions, his shaking hand moving slowly over his thigh. “I – What am I supposed to do?” He asks, unsure if it’s to Rowan or just into the void, “I don’t think we can come back from this, baby.” His head finally turns to her as he speaks, not bothering to hide the emotion anymore. The second the tears began to fall, there was no way back. “She’s gonna go to prison ‘cause of me, Ro.” He begins again, shaking his head. “She saved me and now she’s paying for her mistake.” 

The frown on her lips pulls down deeper when Andy hunches forward, his voice cracks and she watches his hands press against his face. Andy isn’t okay and that becomes even more apparent as she feels him start to crack and fall apart under her hand, knowing she’ll have to pick the pieces back up and try and piece the jagged edges back together over the rest of the night. Sometimes she thinks he’s more duct tape and super glue and safety pin than Andy, he’s been chipped away at so much over the years. For now, the hand on his back moves up and down the length of his spine slowly while she waits for him as he lets everything out, resisting the urge to interrupt him right away with words of reassurance and comfort. She’s seen Andy get emotional thousands of times over their relationship, but to see him actually cry like this? She can remember each instance vividly, they happen so few and far between. “I don’t know,” she answers honestly when he asks what he is supposed to do, chewing on her bottom lip anxiously for a second. “But you don’t need to figure it out yourself. I’ve got you; let me help you.” Her voice is soft when she reassures him, repeating back words she’s said to him what feels like thousands of times. 

“Hey,” her tone takes on a slightly sharper edge to it, the hand in his hair moving to rest against the side of his jaw softly to keep him from looking away from her again. “Saving you was not a mistake.” She’s not sure if he had meant it the way the words came out but she knows Andy’s self-worth has been bent and twisted and splintered every which way and so even the possibility that he did mean it had her heart cracking in her chest. “You know what a wreck your Ma’d be if she hadn’t saved you? Or Ollie? What it’d do to me?” There had been a brief moment during the whole thing, before she got to the club house when a new prospect who sounded half on the verge of a breakdown had told her to get there fast in a shakey voice that she thought she would be walking into something even worse than she was, where she had tried to prepare herself to finding his dead body on the club house floor. “I don’t even wanna think about that.” Her lips purse together for a beat, unsure of what exactly he needs from her right now. She doesn’t have a solution for all of this --- as much as she wishes there was some kind of magic wand or something she could wave to make it all fix itself and go away, she can’t. “C’mere, baby,” she sighs out quietly, hand moving to the back of his neck to gently pull him down so his head can sit on her shoulder, free arm moving to wrap around his middle. 

A moment passes and Rowan repeats Andy’s words in her head. There’s an odd feeling that comes over her at them ‘she’s gonna go to prison ‘cause of me’ because yeah, technically she kind of is. Rowan didn’t think Lettie going on was the right call --- her stomach had been in knots about it from the minute she heard that she was going to be the driver, but she knew she couldn’t put a stop to it. While she knew if she asked him to, Andy probably would have rescinded his offer of letting her in on it, she also knew that might not have been the right choice either. The two of them have a whole other side to them that she will never fully understand, no matter how much she would like to. The chaos that comes from stuff like this is something the two of them need, something that somehow keeps them who they are --- and that’s not something that is ever going to change. The whole situation is frustrating because it somehow feels inevitable and preventable all at once; she knows even if Lettie hadn’t gone on that job, she’d be on one eventually. “Lettie asked to come on that job with you,” she reminds him quietly, a hand moving to smooth through his hair gently. “We all know the risks that come with that. She’s a big girl now, even if we don’t always see her that way, and this was her choice too. It isn’t all on you.” The list of things that can go wrong on a job is about a million bullet points long, it’s an unspoken truth Rowan keeps tucked in the back of her mind every time she kisses Andy goodbye and tells him to come home in one piece.  “We don’t know how this is gonna go yet,” she reminds him, trying to keep some hope alive that Lettie isn’t going to get a life sentence and rot away behind bars for the role she played in that night.

Ryder: I understand.