Today we celebrate!

Moses: Keeps going and going and going.

King Solomon: Happy babies, no more tears.

Noah: Got a little captain in you?

Mary Magdalene: HoHoHo! 

Jesus: When you care enough to send the very best.

When I was seven my mom gave me the Children’s Bible and I loved it, especially the part about the great flood. It really scared me, because 

1) I’m afraid of water

2) I don’t want to die

I would use the Bible to remind God of his job. In heavy rain I’d climb up on a window ledge, I’d stare at the sky, and I’d read the Bible. To God. “I promise every living creature that the earth and those living on it will never again be destroyed by a flood”. I’d focus on the dark clouds waiting for God to acknowledge his words, then I’d look at the puddles outside, then I’d focus on the sky again...

 “I-PROMISE-EVERY-LIVING-CREATURE”

...still raining...

“THAT-THE-EARTH-AND-THOSE-LIVING-ON-IT”

...I don’t want us to die!..

“WILL-NEVER”

...you said NEVER...

“WILL-NEVER-AGAIN-BE-DESTROYED-BY-A-FLOOD”

I’d stare at the sky again waiting for God to take action.  I would remind God of his promise every couple of hours until the storm stopped. Once it was over I’d go to bed happy, thinking of how I saved us all.

A Dutch reader has mentioned that in Netherlands they call pineapple “ananas”. Curiously, that’s what Russians call pineapple as well - “ananas”, only in Cyrillic it’s written “ананас”. Ананас sounds like “а на нас” which means “about us” in Russian, which leads us(нас) to one of my favorite jokes in Russian language:

A teacher asks a pupil:                                                                                             -  Use “Ananas” in a sentence.                                                                            - Daddy left us for another woman.                                                                        - What about ananas?                                                                                           - Didn’t give a shit ananas!

Anyhow, the dutch reader - the same one who told me about ananas - has messaged me and kindly requested that I use the word “ananas” when speaking about pineapple. Absolutely! 

So here is my pineapple bit partially in Dutch:

EVERYONE LOVES ANANAS!

It’s festive, it’s fun, it’s yellow! You simply can’t go wrong: ananas is vegan, gluten-free, and does not contain peanuts. It’s Kosher, Halal, and is Hindu-friendly. Someone brought pizza? Add ananas! Someone brought champagne? Add ananas, too! See? Festive and fun! Friend’s on a diet? I have five words for you: Ananas Cheese Pizza Lettuce Wrap(it’s like ananas cheese pizza sub lettuce): DE-LI-CIOUS!

You don’t even have to eat ananas!

Ananas is great for home decor. It’s top is green and luscious: simply plonk an ananas in a flower pot - and you have a house plant that you don’t have to water!

Use ananas for self-defense. Dark street, not feeling safe? Talk to your ananas! People are less likely to mess with you if they think you are crazy. Already in a fight? You’ve got yourself a powerful weapon - ananas is heavy, and no-one expects you to use it. Plus, If you slap the person with ananas you’ll both win: you just stood up for yourself, they have a funny story. “Tried to fuck this chick, got hit in the face with an ananas - that’s some fucked up shit, brah…”

How about competitive tossing? You don’t have to hit anyone with an ananas, you can just throw it. Ananas are much more accurate(and way friendlier) than midgets. Fun and festive party game!

What else? You can bring an ananas on a date. if you get stood up, you won’t feel so bummed out - because unlike the flowers, you can eat the ananas. Or you can bring it to your friend’s going away party. Ananas make great party gifts because

I’m heading to a going away party, and I’m bringing a pineapple as my gift to the host. Pineapples make great party gifts because 

EVERYONE LOVES PINEAPPLE! 

It’s festive, it’s fun, it’s yellow! You simply can’t go wrong: pineapple is vegan, gluten-free, and does not contain peanuts. It’s Kosher, Halal, and is Hindu-friendly. Someone brought pizza? Add pineapple! Someone brought champagne? Add pineapple, too! See? Festive and fun! Friend’s on a diet? I have five words for you: Pineapple Cheese Pizza Lettuce Wrap(it’s like pineapple cheese pizza sub lettuce): DE-LI-CIOUS!

You don’t even have to eat pineapple! 

Pineapple is great for home decor. It’s top is green and luscious: simply plonk a pineapple in a flower pot - and you have a house plant that you don’t have to water!

Use pineapple for self-defense. Dark street, not feeling safe? Talk to your pineapple! People are less likely to mess with you if they think you are crazy. Already in a fight? You’ve got yourself a powerful weapon - pineapple is heavy, and no-one expects you to use it. Plus, If you slap the person with pineapple you’ll both win: you just stood up for yourself, they have a funny story. “Tried to fuck this chick, got hit in the face with a pineapple - that’s some fucked up shit, brah...”

How about competitive tossing? You don’t have to hit anyone with pineapple, you can just throw it. Pineapples are much more accurate(and way friendlier) than midgets. Fun and festive party game!

What else? You can bring a pineapple on a date. if you get stood up, you won’t feel so bummed out - because unlike the flowers, you can eat the pineapple. Or you can bring it to your friend’s going away party. Pineapples make great party gifts because

I grew up in Russia.

I had a colorful childhood - I ate a lot of crayons. 

My favorite was probably the green - it tasted like orange; in fact, I think, green is orange, just unripe. My second favorite was white - because nowadays you can’t say your favorite color is white... without sounding like a racist. Saying your favorite color is white just makes everyone uncomfortable; don’t do it, just lie that it’s red - people will think you are passionate or something. Orange is another color I wouldn’t recommend to list as your favorite. Thanks, Mr. Trump. In that way, orange is the new white...although, I think, orange is green, just ripe. Yeah, I think, orange is a ripe green, and green is an unripe orange.

I had a colorful childhood - I ate a lot of crayons. 

The Internet is full of fear and hatred. There is Donald Trump, Russia, terrorists (ISIS), black people, white people, Mexicans, gays. I would much rather hate on something that truly terrifies me: kangaroos. 

I hate kangaroos! They are ugly, scary-looking, and very powerful. 

I few years ago a zoo in rural China tried to pass off a dog as an african lion. Went great until one day the lion started barking at passer-bys. Chinese learned the lesson, and when the time to name animals came they called panda “panda” which means “cat bear” or “bear cat” in mandarin. 

Looking up "cute pandas" is a difficult, and very time consuming task; after browsing through pages and pages of those little asian bears, I am convinced there is no such thing as an ugly panda. In fact, 5 bucks to the first reply with an ugly panda.

National French Toast day, Yall! Interesting how french toast got started.

Many many years ago putting poison in your enemy’s drink while he is away using the bathroom was almost customary. "For your health!" - one would exclaim watching their vis-a-vis gasping for air. Then one rebellious spirit yelled, "No! Enough with all that dying!”, and requested a hard as rock piece of bread with their drink to use it as a coaster! And so it went. Having a toast with your booze became more and more popular. People started to snack on it, put sardines, top it with cheese. And that’s - ladies and gentlemen - how we’ve got a sandwich. 

Green tea kit-kat milkshake recipe:

* Vanilla ice-cream - to taste

* Half-and-half - to taste

* Matcha powder - to taste

* Chocolate syrup - to taste

* A pinch of salt

It’s February 20!

National love your pet day!