Robyn

With a sudden gasp Tiamat opens her eyes. It was dark. But not this darkness. The eternal night spread out over her. Stars watching them from afar. Distant and cold. Indifferent about the living.

Irregularly, Tiamat is breathing in and out, not realising she is clawing her chest. The warmth of her blood, slowly dropping down, making her realise the present. She was sleeping. And not on her own. Around her were the children.

Apsu.

Lahamu.

Lahmu.

Kingu.

And her youngest one.

Balhut.

Snoring, whispering, hugging each other in their sleep. Not unusual for their beings. Immortal, but not without the release of exhaustion. They don't need to sleep but sometimes they escape in dreams.

Fast she sits up. Her pupils are slits, her body feels damp. Cold sweat runs over her face, neck and back. She looks at her fingers. Some of her blood mixes with the darkened area around her fingers, making it look dirty like mud. She is reminded by the emptiness in herself. The hunger. The thirst. Back then when nothing existed. Her pupils dilates, like seeing a fresh meal, and licked every single drop of blood from her fingers clean. It doesn't taste like anything. Just herself. And it can't fill anything. Tiamat has hardly the control to suppress a high sound of frustration. Lahamu and Lahmu stirr next to her, holding each other as if they are still sharing one egg. Their long straight hair, his silver and hers light blue, in contrast to their scales which are the opposites. They were once one. Habits die hard, they are close in body and mind. To separate them it needs some kind of fiddling but even then, they read each other's minds and they will know. Their siblings have tried so often, but separating them more than a day is just not possible. The grumpling from Lahamu is endless, waves crashing on stone and shore, while Lahmu watches with a slight smile on his lips, calm as a breezeless day of the sea. Apsu laid on his arm, snoring softly. His messy hair, looking like a blanket over his shoulders. Being the oldest he always tries to lead and to share. He is proud of himself and of his own kind. Apsu is showing it often with praise and with pamper. Teaching is a delight and sometimes he has ideas and then you cannot stop his mischievousness. He is unpredictable like fire and wind. Kingu laying on the side, around flowers and moss. Her hair is simply braided, strands falling in all directions, cuddling the earth and the plants. Under her nails are always earth, sand and mud. She loves talking to the plants, asking them how they are feeling even if she doesn't get an answer. Seeing her laying so calmly in the ground, the most silent breathing of them all, you could almost forget her shrill voice when she delights, and her red face when she runs through the beach with them. She was as colourful as the coral riffs and diverse like the life in it.

And then there is Balhut. Endless curiosity. Endless energy. And just endless him. Pampered by all of them, he wrestles equally, runs alongside them and flies the highest. He cannot get enough and when he is bored he makes new things. The others are always looking stunned about his restlessness and you will be thankful when he is sitting next to his kin, listening to the sounds of the waves, the singing of birds, the voices of his siblings. He will always look up, searching for something. And then suddenly he is gone and the next day he proudly shows us a new forest he made, with animals he imagined and plants that will just grow there. Tiamat felt that this child loved the earth more than the sea, grounded as he is, but would never complain when they left to visit the fish and the corals.

Looking at all of them would usually calm her. But this time it is different. Her heart is pounding harder against her rips. Water gathered in her mouth and the ache, the never ending ache and emptiness in her chest, like a missing piece in her soul that just can't be filled. But nonetheless it tries to. It is scared of loneliness. And watching her children around her, sometimes she is scared of them. They are her children. A part that should stay forever. But what if they don't?

What if they leave? Forever gone and she has no possibility to reach them? Like dark claws the Endlessness claws at her, pulling her away back to when nothing is and nothing will and the ocean was just a dream and their lives just thoughts. Tiamat couldn't bear it. They are hers. And she loves them so dearly. Her stomach clenches. The wind is blowing softly against their skin, taking their scents to her. Sweet, Spicy, Earthy and soft. Their skin shimmering, covered in scales in all different colours. Her fingers are twitching. She is going mad. Thoughts of Endlessness, thoughts of sin overcome her. Hunger. She was so hungry. And she was so lonely.

She acted before she could think. Stroking Lahmus' face, the one closest to her, looking at his innocent and relaxed face. The sound of his kind voice and the look of his deep eyes. He snuggled against the soft touch. Her body changed. The scales over her skin grow, the shape of her eyes sharper and her mouth twists and changes into something much more frightening, larger and teeth sharper than any blades. The corner of her mouth tears wider. The horns twisting around her head. However, before she could indulge further in her dark and gruesome thoughts, something next to her stirrs. Grabs her Toga. Shoulder long night black hair. Skin deep as the earth and his scales shimmering in the light like gold, but in the night they were dark as hers. His round eyes flutter and look slightly up. They are shining like Rubies.

“Mama?”

He slurred his words and didn't seem awake at all. Her dark eyes shot to him.

Her head empties. All these thoughts vanish as if his eyes could shine inside her skull, inside her soul. Infinity seemed so far away now. And she balls her claws, shaking her head, realising her intent.

Quickly she stood up, leaving them in the shadows of the trees. Her appearance changing again, or maybe returning.

*

The little one rubs his eyes as he feels the presence of her mother vanish and the shadow she leaves behind. He pushes against the soft ground sitting up and looking around. He whispers in the dark.

“Mama? Where is Mama going?”

No answer. Just the soft sound of leaves when the wind meets them.

But suddenly a scent hits his nose. As if the wind was willing to give him a hint. Along the fresh smell of his beloved Earth and Dew, he found a strange scent of Iron and Acid. He closed his eyes and crawled towards the place his mother laid and sniffed at the ground. A memory comes up. The time a little horned Squirrel he found and showed to her, bit her. Balhut apologized a thousand times as he saw that little blood from her finger running down. She just smiled. It was a similar stench, as he demanded to show him the wound. Acid and Iron.

Suddenly he tenses, turns around and shakes his brother Apsus' shoulder. He groanes annoyed.

“Stop… give me some more hours…”

“Mama is not here! She is gone.”

Apsu turns away, showing his back to him. The others are stirring too and Kingus eyes open slowly looking at him friendly.

“Don't worry. She probably wants some time for herself.”

Lahmu and Lahamu are hugging each other closer and just mumbling at the same time.

“Go sleep…”

“But-!”

Apsus' hand went over his head and hair, roughly stroking it.

“Come on… mother will come back in a few minutes. Just wait.”

Balhut is unsure. But he waits. The others are deep in their sleep again. He looks up to the stars in the sky, closing his eyes and listens.

Far away he hears the waves meeting the sand of the shore. The wind whispering with the trees. The earth caring for its plants. The breaths of his siblings. But no sound of her. And the smell of her blood lingers in his mind again.

*

Soft steps on the sand. Wet clothes stuck to the body, filled with salt and water. She breathes in and out, her skin shining in the light of the stars. The taste of her meal is still on her tongue. After some steps she stops and turns around, dropping softly on the ground in this softness. Her eyes were empty. Joining the sea helped cooling down her head. But now being calm again, she realises the absurdity and the gravity of her own emotions. But what can she do? Is loving them not enough? Is living with them not enough? It must be. She just had a bad dream. The next day will be better and the infinity is no longer here. She is. And they exist.

“Mama!”

Interrupted from a voice, her eyes wide and she looks around seeing behind her, the little one. He looks worried and runs towards her and instinctively she opens her arms where he jumps in.

“My little one… why are you already awake? It's so soon.”

She doesn't remember. Or maybe she doesn't want to remember. Tiamat strokes his hair and he quickly stands up looking her up and down.

“Mama, are you hurt? Why did you go away? Is something wrong? Did Lahmu kick you in your sleep?”

He speaks quickly and a lot, holding her upper arms in urgency. His red eyes shimmer and his brows furrows. The worry makes her chest ache differently than the old memory does. She strokes his cheek softly, but he just looks serious at her.

"Mama, I am serious!”

“I am listening.”

“Answer me then!”

“But I have nothing to say.”

“I don't understand…”

He looks frustrated. Whenever his siblings are underestimating him or reminding him about his youth, he would pout like that.

However she just smiles at him and points to her lap.

“Do you want to sit with me?”

His face softens a bit and after some seconds, nods and sits in front of her. Her arms wrap around him and he leans against her torso. After some minutes, listening to the waves, watching the sea reflecting the stars, he strokes playfully over her arms, asking again.

“Mama, are you hurt?”

First she doesn't answer. Maybe she is thinking of pretending she didn't hear the question. But then she remembers it was Balhut who asked. And his curiosity is never satisfied.

“I was not feeling well. But now I am better.”

“Why?”

The question startles her more than it usually would. She lays her head on his and leans a bit on him, taking in his scent, his warmth. He doesn't move. Wonder is in his eyes but he doesn't want to ponder, when she doesn't feel like answering. Even if it takes all his willpower to not ask again.

“Balhut, can I share a little secret with you?”

Now it is him who is startled and he looks up.

“A secret?”

“Something I didn't tell any of your siblings before.”

His eyes begin to shine and his body turns more in her direction.

“Yes! Yes!”

She takes some of his loose strands and puts them behind his ear, stroking over his head. Balhut is very sensible. He feels her uneasiness and waits patiently and even his expression reflects what she feels.

“Sometimes I have nightmares. About the time before I had you all.”

“What… was before?”

“Nothing.”

Unsure he looks at her, not understanding.

“How nothing?”

She looks around and takes some sand in her hand. Tiamat enjoys the feeling of sand, the feeling of anything that makes her feel something.

And slowly she let every single tiny grain of sand drop to the ground again. Like usual, as if he is scared to lose her, Balhut has one hand on her, pulling her clothes, while he watches the sand dropping.

“Imagine the beach without sand. The ocean without water. The earth without soil.”

His gaze breaks and he looks up again into her eyes, hoping to find an answer in them. Even though he finds no answer. She smiles. But he feels nothing. Usually you can feel anything in them. But now it's nothing. And he worries again looking at her now empty hand.

“But what is when nothing is?”

“Nothing Balhut. Just Endlessness without anything.”

“I don't like it…”

His voice breaks and he cuddles closer to her. She strokes his head again, calming him down about the concept, not a scary one but the thoughts looping so hard, as if he tries to grasp the concept of it.

He is scared. And he can't say why.

“Sometimes, Balhut, I still feel empty inside. As if my chest is empty. And then I begin to dream. And it's not a good dream.”

She speaks slowly and clearly.

He is laying his head over her chest and listens. Balhut hears the flow of her blood, the air in her lungs and the beating of her heart. As if having something in comparison he touches his own chest, feeling the pulse underneath it. Relieved he sighs out.

“But there is something. I hear your heart. It's beating like mine. So it's not empty.”

“I know…”

She keeps stroking his head. She can listen to him for hours. Holding him and caring for him. He grows so fast. From all her children she wishes him to stay like this forever. Forever curious. Forever small. It was selfish she knows, but having him here alone for herself… she wouldn't mind. Of course he was too energetic to stay like this forever. Balhut loves to run, to climb, to fly, to learn. So she just chuckles. Remembers the feeling of loneliness in her dream. And the desire to consume when she woke up.

“What do I just do… when you all are grown up and leaving me behind…”

The mumbling is just for herself. But his ears are sharp and of course he feels like she is talking to him. Alarmed, he straightens up and looks in her face with a frown, suddenly shouting.

“I will never leave you behind!”

Now she is surprised. His expression is so tense, almost furious as if she insulted him. Balhut shakes his head.

“I am always with you! I will never let you alone! Mama, you never need to be scared, because I am here!”

She chuckles again.

“Little one, don't worry about me. Just grow as you like.”

Suddenly he holds her face with her small hands, something he probably saw his siblings doing to each other, when they talked about something serious. His Ruby eyes light up slightly, shimmering brightly warm.

“I love the earth. I love plants. I love the animals and the life around me. But I love you more Mama! I don't want you to be sad. I will always watch, when we are running too fast and flying too high. I am here! When Apsu, Lahamu, Lahmu and Kingu are not there, I will!"

And with that last sentence he hugs her tightly. Her fingers itches. Her chest aches again.

Oh, this sweet sweet boy. You must love your mother so much. But would you cage yourself for her? Her happiness in exchange for freedom? You are too small to realise the gravity of this offer.

She hugs him back whispering to him.

“You are my everything.”

He opens his eyes and you can find curiosity again in them.

“But Mama I am not everything. We just can be us.”

“And that's enough for me. When you are with me I don't need anything else, then you. Is that alright for you?”

“Yes! I mean we are always together. You make me happy too!”

They are sitting for a while watching the sea together. He is asking her endless questions again and she answers every single question, until the others rise and join them, watching the stars together.

Ignoring the feeling in herself and the memory of when nothing existed. That's all she wants. That's all she needs.