so i hate to do it but i’ll be dropping all three of my muses effectively after having posted this message. i would not be true to myself if i stuck around after the events that have happened today and that’s all i’ll say. i’m keeping up my blogs for haechan and yerim for an archive bc i am proud of the progress and writing i’ve posted for them. as for the future, haechan will continue to exist but not as rkhaechan. yerim will have moved back to chicago and yuqi back to canada. i’m sorry to say goodbye, i really am but this is really is the final blow and the final reason i needed to leave.
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“anyways, enough of my ramblings, what have you been up to, haech? i feel like it’s been a while since i’ve seen you… or, you know, seen anyone outside of sphere, to be honest,” another sip of his drink, another second spent adjusting his hat, “yeah, i just want to genuinely know how’re you doing. i feel so out of the loop.”
donghyuck doesn’t really like tea that much, unless it’s doused with milk that tends to upset his stomach -- he opts for hot chocolate, which admittedly isn’t better but it doesn’t put his anxiety on edge either. he watches taeyong who looks like a drug dealer and gives a soft smile. he thinks about times when he and taeyong could be out in public anytime anywhere; the thought makes him slightly nostalgic.
“you’re asking me about health benefits?” he asks with a raised eyebrow. “last year at this time i think i was doing coke in a club bathroom.”
taeyong becoming an idol is almost bittersweet. he misses him, didn’t like not being able to see his friends, especially one as good as taeyong. but he is proud of him for doing what he loves, for being in such a popular group that he now has to hide his features under a hat in case some crazy fans mobbed him in this small tea place.
donghyuck sighs with a smile before he answers. “i’ve been busy,” he tells taeyong. “hired as back up dancer, still working at the daycare, and now i’m doing dance and singing lessons. it’s... a lot but it keeps me sane, i think. i’ve been good... still some bad days,” donghyuck tells him-- remembering when taeyong had visited him in the hospital on a very bad day. “but most days are good. how are you?”
all my muses are still technically on hiatus but i’ve started to do a bit of revamp on their blogs and i’ll be doing updates posts with some possible plots, if anyone would like to take them. ( skip to the bottom for plots. ) i’ll also be dropping threads and posting updated trackers for each of them too.
––– - important dates/events ▪︎
190501; auditions for trc and is rejected
190606; turns 19~
190606; nahyuck celebrate their one year anniversary
190803; finds out his father is terminally ill
––– - daily life ▪︎
currently, haech has been doing pretty well sticking to a routine. he’s working three jobs now, which keeps him as busy as he can possibly be. on his days off, he’s probably playing video games or out looking for rare comic books in nerd shops around seoul. he doesn’t spend as much time at pc bangs or arcades as he used too and still is on his mother’s beck and call when she needs a weekend babysitter for her date nights with xuxi’s mom.
––– - relationships ▪︎
haech and jaem celebrated their one year anniversary on haech’s birthday this year! they spent the weekend in japan, stargazing and holding hands. haech supported jaemin on the mgas and was devastated when jaem got eliminated. he’s been trying to be there for jaemin as much as he can and keep up his motivation to make music when the mgas threatened to crush it.
––– - mental health ▪︎ TW: MENTIONS OF BIPOLAR DISORDER
strangely, haech has been really mellow lately. he still has his days when he feels bouts of depression or mania, or both, but they’re not as overwhelming and incapacitating as they used to be, which i can only assume is because of his medications and routine. i think he’s begun to really understand signs and use coping skills to manage his disorder. ( also still sober! )
––– - family ▪︎ TW: MENTIONS OF DEATH & ABUSE
as it says in the important dates and also in this solo here, haech’s father is terminally ill. his mother wants him to come to visit him in the hospital but haech doesn’t want any part of it. he’s sort of mad at his mother making an effort to be apart of his father’s life because he doesn’t understand why they should have to put in an effort for their main abuser. so he’s kind of angry and confused, not wanting to be angry with his mom but also he can’t wrap his head around wanting to make amends with his father.
––– - PLOTS ▪︎
visit donghyuck at any of his jobs! for current idols: haech is a backup dancer for a b/c list solo artist so you could catch him behind the scenes during a music show. he’s also teaching at *hook & crook, both dance and vocal classes, and private lessons the student’s own discretion. you can also find him working at daycare in the mornings if your muse’s sibling is young enough to need daycare before school.
he needs friends! currently, he hangs out with jaemin because all of his friends are trainees and/or idols. i’d love some childhood friends, people who’ve known him for a long time but new friends are welcome too.
possibly some rivals? or frenemies? he’s kind of annoying though not very competitive so one sided rivals would be fun/funny.
an unrequited crush would be interesting too? haech has always been really in love with jaemin so someone super jealous of that would be an interesting route.
clubbing/delinquent buddies that have wondered where he’s gone since he became sober? is he dead or is he just being a square?
nerd friends... someone for him to talk about his obsession with marvel and video games with.
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with a newfound skip to her step, familiar light brown locks catching her gaze deep within the sea of random darker coconut heads that had yet to thin out, heejin immediately feels lighter on her feet the closer she gets to him ( she’d been at this for some time now, and judging by the number of flyers she still had left in her hands, she wouldn’t be finished until at least a little longer ). grabbing his hand once he’s within reach, she tugs his arm gently, a wide smile on her lips. “haech!” letting go of his hand for a second, she takes a flyer from the pile she’s got, reaching for his hand once more to make him hold the paper. “as my friend, you have to take this flyer from me— it’s the law.”
donghyuck feels a soft grip on his hand and a tug on his arm and upon seeing heejin’s face, he feels a warm feeling surge through him that prompts a smile on his lips. “heej!” says watching her reach for a piece of paper from her pile and then she hands him a flyer from trc, events and information listed. “of course,” he says with a smile. “congratulations, by the way. i was watching the mgas for you really, and cheering you on. but you can’t forget me okay?” he looks at the flyer and then smiles mischievously. “sign it for me? so i can sell it on ebay after you debut.”
you're such a kind mun and plotting with you is really fun! i love the thread i have with rkhaechan and i love rkhaechan, and i hope we'll get to plot more in the future ^^
he isn’t a sore loser, so he wouldn’t make such a big deal out of this. he had said countless of times to everyone who had the courage to ask how he felt, that he is fine. and he truly is, but maybe there was some things that are to be left unspoken. for jaemin to let it go like that, it frustrates him. “i just… want noodles, baby. but thank you for the offer…” he tells haech, leaning for a kiss on the older’s forehead. he focuses on the food, tries to distract himself from the thoughts now organized in a bulleted list of detailed remarks about performances, song choices, and original compositions. and as he takes another mouthful, gaze focused on the shiny blobs on the surface of the soup, he sees a ripple. when he straightens up, he feels a warm sensation down his cheeks. his chest rise and falls, and he looks at haech as he chewed. “this thing is hot…”
donghyuck notices the effort but he can see jaemin’s posture declining as soon as he sits up straight. he reminds him now of a houseplant desperate for water, drooping in the window, and donghyuck is heartbroken that jaemin is in this position, feeling so low and looking as though he’s ready to give up. donghyuck only wonders what’s on his mind-- what is he not saying, that his shoulders have to carry instead? donghyuck doesn’t want to pry; he knows that jaemin values space and the trust that in time, he will be able to confide in donghyuck.
but, for jaemin’s sake, donghyuck hopes it’s sooner rather than later.
“okay,” donghyuck says, almost whispers, watching jaemin after he feels the kiss on his forehead. not even grabbing a bowl for himself, donghyuck waits until he’s well aware that jaemin is eating. it’s almost as though he can feel jaemin cracking, the tension building, and the thoughts in his head start to break himself down and examine himself piece by piece. the only problem is, jaemin is often quite critical, especially toward himself.
then scene before him, though sad, is also kind of a bit comical. he has to put a hand over his mouth as to not laugh at his boyfriend crying into a bowl of noodles. when jaemin looks up at him, donghyuck can only snicker just slightly. “babe,” he says reaching out to grab jaemin’s hand. “i love you but watching you cry into a bowl of noodles is... kind of funny.” donghyuck sighs, looking at him seriously as he lets his smile fade into a small frown. “you can talk about it, you know? maybe give your brain a break and let me help you through what you’re feeling? i love you, jaem. i just wanna help.”
in jeju, he learned how to steady his knees when the waves came rolling in. with his mom standing behind him, feet in the sand, looking warm and beautiful, just like he remembered her to look when he was young, he felt that he really could do anything. that he, lee donghyuck, could be strong because she’s standing right there, smiling at him, before she walks into the water, holding her stance and putting her arm around his shoulder.
in all his nineteen years, all he’s craved is comfort, family, and a sense of safety. and in all of his nineteen years, only one of them had provided that for him. for a while, it had been na jaemin and only him and slowly, he regained other pieces of his life that he’d thought were lost forever. the most rewarding being his mother. he felt the world come back to life when he could safely say that he had a mother, a real mother, who loves him and wants the best for him. along with jaemin, they became the two defining people in his life, for whom saved him from the worst parts of himself.
things were, for the most part, the best they had ever been or at least that he could remember them ever being.
but he’s reminded that life always seemed to want to remind him of a balance, one so stark that finding his world turned upside down, it’s almost too hard to realize that it’d ever been upright. insecurities that he’d forgotten about in day to day, come crashing into him, waking up old demons that keep to his heels like a shadow. now he’s finding them chase him again.
“hyuck?” he hears his mother’s voice in the speaker of his phone, pressed next to his ear, but in the same breath it sounds almost as if he’s underwater. “hyuck, are you listening?”
“i--,” he starts to say but then loses all confidence in his voice.
“i know it’s a lot to process,” she says and he’s suddenly very aware of the shake in her voice. for a moment, she sounds like the same woman that he’d known for so long in the nightmarish shadows of his father’s house. “but i think... i think it’s important. for all of us and for your sister. you do remember your sister, right?”
but donghyuck doesn’t want to. he remembers her worrying about him, being his best friend when the two were barely able to know what the world had in store for them. he remembers her forgetting him when he needed her most. he remembers her soft voice the night he left, calling to him when it was too late. he remembers hating listening to her talk, defend things that hurt him.
he closes, wilts, as though a vase of flowers in too much sun.
“hyuck,” she says again, this time voice stronger after what he thinks is a few moments of bravery. “donghyuck, you have to answer me.” he wonders if she’s looking for some sort of blessing.
“you’re... going to see him?”
“i have to, donghyuck.”
“why?” he asks so helplessly. “why on earth... would you need to even think about him? let alone... give him some fucking comfort. what has he ever given you?”
“he gave me you,” she says after a few moments. “your sister and i was happy for some time... i really think i was...”
“you think?”
there’s silence between them and a bubble of resentment builds in his chest.
“you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. i just... i just hoped that this would give you something? closure? people change... especially when they know they’re about to die.”
“i admire your optimistic delusions, mom,” he says jaw clenching, and a blanket of anger covering his words. “but i don’t think he’s capable of change. not even... if he’s... dying.”
“duckie,” she starts.
“no, i don’t want anything to do with this. just leave me out of it. i don’t want updates, i don’t want anything. i can’t. just... don’t talk to me about it again.” he hangs up before she can get a word in, before he feels his heart break for the thousandth time.
he throws his phone against the wall as it starts to vibrate again, his mother’s name on the display. and then again when he sees his sister’s.
but when he’s all alone, silence ringing in his ears so loudly, he curls himself into a figure so small he barely exists. he reaches for his phone but the shattered screen only displays a broken picture of himself and jaemin in japan. a piece of glass cuts the pad of his thumb when he attempts to unlock it to call his boyfriend and beg him to come home.
finally, donghyuck composes himself, sitting next to lady on the couch as she rests her backside against his foot and meows at him to give her attention before rolling to the side so her stomach is exposed. “pretty lady,” he says softly. “tell your human to hurry up and come home.”
in the next moment, donghyuck sees jaemin’s face walking through the door.
relief settles in him, though his cheeks are still tear stained and his bones still ache.
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when she hobbles out the front door of the hospital, she sees haechan and immediately starts to cry again – against her best efforts not to. she drops her crutches and throws herself into haechan, sobbing into his shoulder. she doesn’t say anything; she doesn’t have to. anybody who knows saerok even a little knows that this is the worst thing to happen to her.
when donghyuck gets a line of texts, he’s confused. usually people aren’t asking him for help; usually it’s the other way around. of course, he can’t say no especially when he considers saebom to be one of his best friends and so he means to keep her in his life, for better or for worse. he’s happy to return the favor for not abandoning him after finding out about everything that’s happened to him in the past year; not judging him or giving him pity.
he’s looking at his phone, letting jaemin know what’s going on when he hears a loud clatter and feels someone wrap their arms around him. donghyuck takes a loud gulp, reaching up to rub saebom’s back. when she doesn’t say anything, he gets nervous. donghyuck doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone so inconsolable but he knows how important it is to her to be able to use her ankle and be able to run. he’s sure that he’d be the same if not able to dance or sing. donghyuck would feel worthless if he couldn’t do either, for they were just about the only things he was good at.
but he believes saebom is good at more than just track and wishes that it didn’t feel so monumental for her.
he lets her go, giving her a small smile as he tucks her hair behind her ear and walks to get her crutches. “i’d offer to carry you bridal style, if i wasn’t so weak,” he says to her softly, handing her her crutches and offering to take her things so she can focus on being mobile. “do you wanna go home? you could come over to my place... if you wanted. i have snacks and video games?”
lee donghyuck was willing to do anything to make his boyfriend happy -- literally anything. he couldn’t think of anyone better than his boyfriend, not really. jaemin had always been the one constant in his life and he is sure that if it had not been for him, he’d have been gone before his first manic episode. he believes jaemin only deserves good things and because he believes this so hard and so willingly, he’d hope the universe would believe it too. but jaemin’s had his fair share of hardships, even while donghyuck’s been his best friend, and even while donghyuck’s been his boyfriend.
but the universe has got nothing on lee donghyuck. if it was so keen on hurting the best thing about living, waking up day to day, donghyuck will do everything in his power to remind jaemin just how loved, worthy, and beautiful he is.
when donghyuck learns that jaemin’s been eliminated, he’s furious but he knows anger won’t help him nor will it help jaemin. he just has to remind his precious boyfriend that he shouldn’t give up and that there was more to life than trying to understand that everything has a reason. sometimes things just suck and sometimes they just happen, as if in a game of chance. but beautiful things can happen too and those things are the reason that people keep living, keep trying to find their place in the world. he hopes that tonight, he can help jaemin focus on the beautiful part before his mind eats away at him as it always does.
“noodles!” donghyuck says walking into where their dining table sits. the hard wood table is almost as static as his boyfriend. it breaks his heart to see jaemin so sad but he keeps strong for his boyfriend’s sake. he sets the food on the table and walks to where jaemin sits and wraps his arms around his neck and leans in to kiss his cheek. “got all your favorites,” he tells him with another kiss before sitting adjacent to him, reaching out to brush jaemin’s hair from his forehead and giving him a smile. “tonight it’s just us so anything goes. okay, baby? we’ll do whatever you want to do as long as it’s not illegal. but i think that’s more my area of expertise.”
he watches the other do the chain of steps once more as he tries to mimic him. he’s thankful for the other being patient with him. he hates it when people show the steps so quickly that he doesn’t have enough time to really process what’s going on before they’ve already moved on. “ yes, i agree, ” he exclaims. “ i mean, i just don’t think many people are patient enough with me to do it, ” he admits. “ thank you for taking the time. ”
donghyuck shakes his head. “we can go as slow as you need,” he tells him while looking at him in the mirror. donghyuck looks at his own movements before adding a few more steps when he thinks chan is ready. “listen, i think that people just forget what it was like to be new at something,” donghyuck says before he smiles at his friend.
“okay,” he says with a nod. “now let me see you put everything together.” he steps back watching chan. “you’re doing good, just need to tighten it up a bit. make sure that you keep the rhythm, you want to count in your head as you go along. keep your chin up and your back as straight as you can.” donghyuck keeps his eye on his friend before nodding his head with approval. “what were you so afraid of dancing for, huh?”
so, he relaxes into his seat, leaning all the way back as he looks forward at the screen that has yet to display whatever game they’ve yet to decide on. he listens carefully to donghyuck’s suggestions, trying to figure out what sounds the most appealing. “well, do we want to play something together, or… if we go for multiplayer, mortal kombat could be fun. have you played the second injustice yet? that one’s kind of fun… i also play a lot of borderlands. but i’d be down to watch you play horizon or spider-man, too. i’ve beat the original story, but i haven’t played any of the dlc for either game yet. there’s also the most recent god of war… and i don’t think i’m making this any easier, i’m just making it more difficult.” softly, he laughs and gently shakes his head. “sorry. so, there’s not anything you’ve just been dying to play?”
donghyuck smiles listening to all of jeno’s suggestions before he shakes his head. “definitely not making things easier,” he agrees. and then he thinks about the question before hand -- truthfully, his favorite games were those he could spend hours immersing himself in. open world maps like horizon or assassin’s creed but he wanted to play something that jeno and himself could both enjoy together. “not really,” donghyuck says with a shrug. “but if you want, i could set up my switch?”
he looks to his collection and notes that he has a lot of nintendo games that the two of them could play -- maybe if jaemin came home soon, they could all play. “i have mario kart or smash? even donkey kong is fun and mind numbing,” donghyuck says looking at jeno and giving it a shrug. “i wouldn’t be a good host unless i let you choose.” he gives jeno a smirk and then gets up to grab something to drink. “you thirsty? hungry?”
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Dejun hums, a happy grin bending the corners of his lips upward, and he nods, leaning on the back of one of the dining room chairs.
“It’s my specialty, actually, yeah,” and he offers the boy a bit of a chuckle, giving his temple a bit of a scratch. He’s always liked Haechan, thinking that although there’s a definite mischief in the boy’s eyes, that it’s of the cute impish sort. He’s fun.
He’s about to pull the seat from beneath the table, that he might sit, but he’s interrupted by the mention of babysitting, and his eyes light up.
“Is…is the baby here?” he asks, preemptive giddiness thick in his voice.
“of course the baby is here,” he says. “the moms can’t really bring him out on a date, can they?” donghyuck rolls his eyes playfully and presses his lips together. he supposes not everyone knows that xuxi’s mom is dating his, also supposing they’d rather keep it that way, just incase. but dejun is someone he knows he can trust so he doesn’t mind spilling secrets in short distance.
“do you want to see him?” donghyuck asks getting up and silently walking to the room where the bassinet is situated in the corner. a frowns folds on his lips when he notices his baby brother rolled around onto his belly, smiling when he sees his big brother in front of him. “why do you never tell me when you’re awake?” he says gently to the baby before picking him up and turning him to face dejun. as soon as he does the baby’s eyes open wide and stare at the new face before him. “do you want to hold him?”
the sudden silence frightened her. she could sense the hesitation, and when the question was asked of her, she wondered what it could possibly be. “yes, of course. but why so serious suddenly?” she asked, sitting up straighter as she looked at him. what could it possibly be that she had to keep a secret? now, she was a bit worried about what she had just agreed to.
donghyuck blinks, pulling at the ripped bit of his jeans and suddenly avoiding solji’s gaze. he knows that those who care about him won’t judge him for his disorder but it’s still a terrifying thing to have to explain to someone, especially when sometimes he can’t even understand it himself. he has stories from johnny and jaemin, even yuta and sicheng, but most of the times he’s at a loss for his own behavior. it’s only recently started to get better and even out.
“noona,” he starts softly. “have you ever heard of bipolar disorder?” his eyes find hers again, searching for some kindness or understanding before he continues.
“it’s like sometimes... my brain goes really crazy and i can’t sleep right and i have way too much energy. it feels... like a drug and it’s made me reckless sometimes. i can’t even remember what i do when i get like that most of the time.” he pauses collecting his thoughts. “the higher i go up, the harder i crash down. it feels just like i’ve been hit with a ton of bricks. the depression is so bad that i can’t get out of bed for some days at a time.”
his voice gets quiet and he looks elsewhere as his chin falls. “who would give someone like that a chance to... be an idol?” he wonders aloud.
