Zanders Memorial Blog

It’s been a whole year since we got the news. You helped me during that Valentine’s Day when I was single and upset and I felt unloved. I had you there to remind me it wasn’t just about romance, but rather close friends who loved you that were the true importance of Valentine’s Day.

Then you were suddenly gone. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I did when I heard the news. I cried because you were gone. Because I had hurt you. Because I didn’t know I had hurt you as much as I had. Because I’d never actually get to say goodbye and let you know how important you were to me, or how sorry I was for breaking your heart.

But you told me you had moved on. That was your last message to me, remember? It was still when I was genderfluid and unsure of who I was in life. But thanks to your support and everyone else’s… I was able to realize who I am.

I just wanted to write to you and let you know how everything is. I haven’t spoken to our old group much, I feel like after your death, I was just too afraid of getting attached to someone. Not because they’d die, but because I wouldn’t be able to stop them from doing so. I considered myself weak and unimportant if I couldn’t help people. I still talk to them every once in a while and I love them a lot. It’s just not the same without you there.

I have another girlfriend (yeah shocking huh? There goes Hector switching girlfriends like underwear), but this time, I think it’s a bit serious. We live together with two other friends. We play a lot of video games, and it’s a lot of fun. Speaking of video games, Street Fighter V comes out tomorrow! You weren’t around for my Street Fighter craze, but I love it a lot and I’ve never been more excited for a game. Fire Emblem Fates comes out soon too, and I really wish you were around for that still.

I’m not that into Sentai or Power Rangers anymore, believe it or not. They’ve grown slightly stale for me and every time I watch any series I was into when you were around… I miss you even more, so it’s a little hard.

It’s been one crazy year, Zannie my guy. I’ve made lots of new friends and I’ve matured a lot. Thank you for always believing in me and supporting me. You said you’d miss me when you were gone, and you have no idea how much I miss you every day. I miss you more and more as time goes on, and I’ll miss you even more next year. The world hasn’t stopped, and I’m really sad you couldn’t be by my side to experience all the change.

You were a good young man and a good person, Zannie. Better than I’ll ever be. I can only dream of being as great as you were!

Anyway, this thing’s long as butts now, so I’ll leave it here. I love you bro, okay? You’re my dude. I’m thinking of you always.

When Leelah and I first met, we sent videos of each other confirming who we are. She’s so adorable!

This is really late. I don’t own the pictures of galaxies used (I hope that this looks like him?)

I had a thought - since the “mynameis” URL was taken, I actually took “mynameisproject” for the URL of the blog in case this idea takes off.  If you want to use the tag #mynameis project, maybe that would be a good alternative.

I TRY SO HARD WITH THE HANDWRITING BUT IT’S ALWAYS TOO SMALL.

Sign reads “#MyNameIs…a resource and positivity project for transgender youth.”

Based on the number of people who reblogged this post, it seems like a lot of you want to make this happen.  I personally see this as the next step from the #his name was zander/#her name was leelah/etc. posts.  The first step is paying respects to those who were victims of transphobia and other forms of hatred.  The next step is helping others and creating a support system so we no longer have to make #their name was _____ tags.

So, here we go.  Basically, the idea is this: In light of recent events, I want to create a safe space for people of all gender identities.  The goal is to no longer have to create any more #their name was ______ hashtags.  Let’s instead make more "#my name is _______!"

Here’s how I see this working…we can make tweaks later if we need to, since this is an idea that’s just starting out:

The goal of this project is to provide support and encouragement to trans youth through pictures, text posts, whatever.  If you are trans and you want to contribute, I encourage you to make a sign similar to this one (ideally, one that says “my name is (insert your name here)” and add whatever you feel necessary below.  If you’re uncomfortable making a sign/taking a picture of yourself, making a text post that starts with “My name is (insert name here.)” works just as well!

If you are cisgender and want to provide support, feel free to do so as well, but since the phrase “My name is…” in response to “Their name was…” has significance to trans youth, I am going to have to ask politely that you do not include this in your post (other than in the tags.)  However, any other words of encouragement or an offering of support is appreciated.

If you are interested in this and make a post, please use the tag #my name is / #mynameis so others can see it.  If enough people start doing it, I will see if I can make a blog to put the posts where others can easily access them.  Ideally, I would like to make a blog that contains posts made with the #my name is tag, as well as links to trans resources.

http://fox11online.com/2015/02/19/grieving-family-is-making-a-difference-in-memory-of-their-loved-one/

I really want to thank each and every one of you who made posts about Zander and got his story out there.  His final wish was to be remembered as Zander, and he got it!  I’m at least glad he got that.

I want to use this opportunity to talk about an issue that is becoming more common when things like this happen.  It is an issue of the overall mindset of this website, rather than an issue in telling people about Zander so he could be remembered for who he was.  It has been prevalent on this site even before Leelah’s death.

I’ve seen an alarmingly high number of people on this website (especially trans teenagers) contemplating suicide.  I’ve talked numerous people out of it, and it breaks my heart every time I see someone post a simple “good bye” message and then not returning for a long time.  Fortunately, they never go through with it.  I wish the same was true for Zander.  He was always so happy, even right before his death.  He had recently stopped talking about his mother, which led us to believe perhaps things had gotten better.  Unfortunately, we were wrong.

The way people on Tumblr glorify depression, self harm, suicide, etc. is very concerning, and while it’s a good thing people paid respects to Leelah and Zander, I’m worried more impressionable people might think suicide is okay, especially if they find their situation is similar to either of these kids who killed themselves.  This doesn’t mean you can’t make posts about them.  It just means you should reinforce the fact that suicide is not okay.

We started the hashtag for Zander because we wanted to grant Zander’s final wish and make a point to his abusive mother.  I think I first got the idea to make the sign saying “His name was Zander” because that was the last thing I wanted to say to his mother in the note I posted to his guestbook on the funeral home page.  They had an option to add a picture, so I did.  That’s when we got the idea to have other people make similar signs.  So, in case you were ever confused, that’s the origin story of the hashtag.

I want you to know that I definitely don’t want to see any more #their name was ______ hashtags.  It would break my heart to see another person who felt the world was too hateful for them to live in.  I want you to know that suicide is never the answer to anything.  It hurts people.  Obviously, it would hurt you because you wouldn’t get the chance to see that life can get better.  But it also hurts everyone who knows you.  This may sound terribly selfish, but I can’t begin to describe just how much learning of Zander’s death hurt me.  I found myself lacking the mental energy to do just about anything for over a week, and I’m still trying to get back into the swing of things.  I still can’t believe he’s gone.  It will probably take me a while to fully accept that.  I can assure you there is at least one person in your life who cares about you so much, they wouldn’t know what they would do if you were gone all of a sudden.  Even if you don’t feel that way, there’s always someone out there who is willing to listen.

So, if you are struggling, I want you to try to be strong.  For Leelah.  For Zander.  They would have wanted you to make it through whatever you’re struggling with.  They wouldn’t have wanted any more deaths.  It may seem like too much of me to ask, but you can do it.  Reach out to people, whether they’re online or offline.  Call a help line if you need to.  Please don’t become another hashtag.

To people who are cisgender: I want you to see these losses to the trans community as a reminder that you should try your best to help put an end to transphobia.  They should serve as a reminder of the terrible things transphobia does to people.  They should make you want to be a better ally to trans individuals.  Leelah wrote in her suicide note that she wanted society to be fixed.  You can help fix it.  Show trans individuals you actually care about them before they turn into another #their name was ______.

Again, I think it’s wonderful that so many people wanted to pay respects to Zander.  He was a wonderful friend.  I think the next step you can make is to help trans kids who are struggling so we don’t lose any more people.

I want to throw an idea out there.  Let’s make a project dedicated to helping trans youth by offering messages of support and positive stories of love and acceptance.  I’d like to create a safe space for people of all gender identities.  I was thinking of something like this: if you’re not cisgender and want to provide a story or words of encouragement, perhaps you could take a picture of yourself holding a sign that says “My Name Is _______” and add whatever you want below.  (Of course, if you’re cisgender and want to offer support, that would also be a good thing, but if we did this, I would have to respectfully ask you not to do the “My Name Is ______” thing.)  I’m pretty sure the idea of something like this already exists somewhere out there, but it doesn’t hurt to have more.  Let’s try not to have any more #their name was… and more #my name is…

star prince. - a mix for a departed friend

This mix is dedicated to my friend Zander, who passed away on February 15th, 2015.  He was 15 years old.  In his memory, I have created a playlist of 15 songs.  15 songs for a beautiful boy who had so much ahead of him.

It took me a while to narrow down the songs I picked to 15.  The overall feeling of the playlist progresses from a mellow feeling that includes themes of sadness and loss, but eventually progresses into an upbeat and hopeful feeling that includes themes of remembering the good times we had together and celebrating our friend for the amazing person he was while he was alive.  In addition, I have picked out specific lyrics from each song that I feel holds relevance.  Obviously, not all of the lyrics from all of the songs are going to be relevant, but I have annotated each song with the lyrics I felt were fitting (especially since most of the songs are not in English.)  So, unless you’re listening on 8tracks mobile, you should be able to see the annotations and see why I picked each song.

And now, the tracklist:

01. Snowdrop - Fanny Fink // 02. 春花 - nekobolo // 03. さよならだけが人生だ - A24 // 04. Eine Kleine - Kenshi Yonezu // 05. Bokura no Let It Be - Rumdarjun // 06. おなじ話 - Humbert Humbert // 07. Sun Space - Late Night Alumni // 08. The Mortal Boy King - The Paper Kites // 09. Volare Via! (Narancia Ghirga’s Theme) - Chikayo Fukuda // 10. アカイト - Rib // 11. Dino Soul - Akamura Shizuka // 12. 夜明けと蛍 - Soraru // 13. The Lucky One - Au Revoir Simone // 14. WOODEN DOLL - Kenshi Yonezu // 15. Summertime Record - Jin

**Track 10 starts a bit suddenly, so you might want to turn your volume down just a little bit at the end of track 9.

Bonus tracks (these were recommended by friends of Zander’s, but I couldn’t fit them into the playlist):

01. A Clingy Boy Sticking for 15 Years [VY2 version] - requested by Aggie

02. Prince in the Stars - requested by Wednesday (I believe they wrote this song!)

Album art was a collaboration between Aggie / fooflghters and Wednesday / yigga-digga.

#HerNameWasLeelah #HisNameWasZander