enduring twenties

Because what do you mean they went to the batting cages for some silly fun to watch everyone flail at an unfamiliar sport, only for Shane to need three practice swings before figuring out the force and timing needed to start hitting every single pitch? What do you mean he sets the course record at the mini golf place they have the Pike twins birthday at? What do you mean he learned how to play cricket over a long weekend in the UK? What do you MEAN your Canadian ass that grew up on a calm, tiny lake went to visit Rose in LA and just learned to surf from “some guy” one of the days she was busy??

Shane doesn’t get why they all think it’s so crazy. He’s a professional athlete, he’s good at full body and mind control as well as adaptability and hand-eye coordination, and he’s so used to being the best in the world at hockey that he views being mundanely good at anything else as barely noticeable. He argues with Troy over whether he counts as being good at basketball just because he killed them all at the basketball shooting game at a Dave and Buster’s

They all start making bets to see who can find a sport Hollander isn’t good at. Harris is convinced he’ll win with figure skating because Shane’s muscle memory will want to work against him with a technique that’s so similar but also so different, only for Shane to come out of an afternoon learning from his old friend who was at the Olympics with the ability to do simple jumps and spins and is insisting the whole team learn so they can incorporate it into plays. Harris is not allowed to make suggestions after that

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

Shane Hollander routinely uses sunscreen(for safety against skin cancer) and washes his face with a sensitive skin friendly soap in the shower. He uses the same bar for his entire body.

Beyond that his smooth skin is entirely coincidental. Ilya is very jealous of this. Ilya wears hair products, styles himself meticulously and has tried multiple skincare routines. None of which are giving him the supple skin he desires.

The first time Ilya goes to Shane's real apartment and not the sex condo he is outraged by the number of unused samples of skincare products, mostly because these brands are choosing to work with Shane when he knows for a fact that Shane does nothing to properly take care of his skin.

Shane's bathroom sink is barren.

Shane *enters Ilya's bathroom*: why do you have so much clutter in here

Ilya *outraged*: is not clutter Hollander we did not all climb out of womb and become world's prettiest man by accident

Shane *having no filter*: why do you bother with it if it doesn't work?

I just think it would be an appropriately unhinged game for hollanov to play, especially if we're in show-verse where they both know ilya is the only man Shane's ever been with, so there's this extra layer of irony where they're kind of going "Wouldn't it be crazy if Shane cheated on Ilya? It would be sOoo crazy. Because it would never happen. Ever." Kind of them spoofing their own virginity and monogamy kinks.

And if they're playing the version where ILYA is the supposed cheater, Shane gets to retroactively have the make-up sex he kind of secretly always thought he deserved every time he saw pics of Ilya stumbling out of clubs with various hot women, except this time Shane gets to feel justified in his jealousy. (Also then Ilya gets to pull the classic fuck boy movie on him to coax him back to bed, which we all know Shane is crazy for)

And of course, all of this is extremely sexy because afterwards they get to revel in how obsessed with each other they are, and reaffirm how they're the only one for each other. My crazy codependent freaks 💕💕💕

The best part about this is I can genuinely imagine it being cathartic for Shane especially. Like yes they've moved past their hookup era and they're committed and married and they've probably had some couple's therapy where they hash this shit out and come out stronger on the other side. But that doesn't mean that Shane isn't able to reach into that well of jealousy from when he was 22 and experiencing the first ghosting of his entire life from the man who fucked him sweetly IN HIS OWN BED. You cannot tell me that he didn't see pictures of Ilya out with women during that whole thing and genuinely think about violence

Catch him telling Ilya to go sit on the porch for fifteen minutes and then when he comes back in the lights are all off and Shane is in one of the swiveling kitchen stools which he then spins around on, uses his phone to turn every light in the kitchen on FUCK YOU brightness and say, "I saw those pictures of you and that girl. Pink hair, Ilya, really?" And Ilya instantly knows exactly which Instagram model Shane is referring to. He hasn't spoken to her in nine years but, also, if you Google 'Ilya Rozanov', to this DAY the fifth or sixth image result is one of him with his tongue in that girl's mouth.

I think Shane would adore Ilya accusing him of insane shit and making him convince him he’s not a cheating slut. Lots of tears and I promise it’s YOUR hole Ilya I’m yours I would NEVER while he’s getting put through the mattress. “Okay prove it let me see if you’re all lose and slutty from getting fucked by someone else” games.

I think they take turns deciding to be insane about some nothing event just for enrichment.

“Who are you texting?? I KNOW you’re texting your side piece again don’t even lie” when they know damn well the other is texting in the team group chat.

Or “oh I saw you throwing yourself at that slut at the bar” when they were being perfectly polite and normal.

I feel like everyone makes her out to be this perfect angel bathed in golden light who never said one bad thing about anyone and who wouldn’t hurt a fly

But the first thing Ilya said about his mum was that she was funny

Irina Rozanova was a funny gal, she cracked jokes, she was quick witted and let’s not forget she raised Ilya little shit supreme Rozanov