reverescent

Why is it that so often even the things I look forward to go badly? The exact days I’d actually been looking forward to were painfully bad in various little ways. Not even like the usual, but bad. I have never had an experience that great or incredible or enjoyable. Everything consistently remains at a certain low, mostly or ultimately levelling down. Wherever I go, however I am dressed, whatever the occasion is, it tends to go quite badly, is saddening, or not very meaningful. I am almost always at a low and even after barely reaching the highs I am met with reasons to be at a low. No amount of superficially pleasant things will change the deeply unpleasant realities. My life seems to have a life of its own, it refuses to travel far past the line beyond which there lies greater things; it shies away from it. Everything is always strictly within ‘the limits’, never becoming ‘too’ fun or joyful or positive, or leading to a massive discovery or change in my actions and interests. As though someone with a sadistic proclivity is in control and is deliberately keeping it this way, never allowing me to experience anything rich, allowing me multiple bits and pieces, while the long-existent troubles still eat away at my being and the (apparently) pleasant actually reinforces and uniquely highlights them. As though I am being kept confined by this someone, who decided to get creative and unique with creating what is known as ‘suffering’; that’s why it’s not obviously and significantly horrendous but horrendous in ways that are difficult to explain and that I cannot speak of. That’s why I can simply write about all this well, nicely, neatly, but that doesn’t change things even if it satiates something in me. I am allowed to hope and expect, but only that. All that is kind of foolish, fantastical thinking, yes; there is no magical entity in power but there are people in power and control. There are explanations for this. And yet there also aren’t.

Yes I know I’m young and automatically I am wrong 🥺 I am a littol baby 🥺 What mistakes did I make teacher? I’m sorri 🥺 Oh look I cant even spell I’m so small and beneath you 🥺🥺

I LOVE $TING BY THE NEIGHBOURHOOD SO MUCCHHHHHJSGXGSFCS ILOVE$TINGILOVE$TINGILOVETHENEIGHBOURHOOD MY FAVOURITE BAND ♡♡♡

Sometimes I really don’t like my dad 😠

I DESPISE summer with all my heart 😊😊 I see summer as BENEATH me 💕☺️ I feel a genuine hatred for life at the moment. A genuine hatred for this world. I feel such disgust. It is unbearable to have to be when you do not want to be.