reverescent

I had a mutual here…. Pip… she deactivated and I couldn’t find her again. We follow each other somewhere else but I can’t message her..

My sister is trying to sleep to Chinese flute music but I can’t stop laughing

Today, I felt like I entered and have been in a new stage of consciousness, which made me think of the idea that I have just begun living (on a new level).

I want somebody to be there when I have thoughts, feelings, sensations, impressions, somebody I feel relaxed with, so I can express them to the person instead of talking to the curtains, or whatever my eyes are glued to at the time. But it is always the curtains, the wall, the fridge, the paper towels, or something else. Nobody is ever there to see me. I have never been able to express deep internal, personal things to a person right when I experienced them and had the genuine desire to express them. I can never say the exact things I want to say, coming from deep inside, to a person I can just be with. I cannot just be with anyone, except for myself. But is that right? I am not free even when I am alone; there is always an audience.

Why is it that so often even the things I look forward to go badly? The exact days I’d actually been looking forward to were painfully bad in various little ways. Not even like the usual, but bad. I have never had an experience that great or incredible or enjoyable. Everything consistently remains at a certain low, mostly or ultimately levelling down. Wherever I go, however I am dressed, whatever the occasion is, it tends to go quite badly, is saddening, or not very meaningful. I am almost always at a low and even after barely reaching the highs I am met with reasons to be at a low. No amount of superficially pleasant things will change the deeply unpleasant realities. My life seems to have a life of its own, it refuses to travel far past the line beyond which there lies greater things; it shies away from it. Everything is always strictly within ‘the limits’, never becoming ‘too’ fun or joyful or positive, or leading to a massive discovery or change in my actions and interests. As though someone with a sadistic proclivity is in control and is deliberately keeping it this way, never allowing me to experience anything rich, allowing me multiple bits and pieces, while the long-existent troubles still eat away at my being and the (apparently) pleasant actually reinforces and uniquely highlights them. As though I am being kept confined by this someone, who decided to get creative and unique with creating what is known as ‘suffering’; that’s why it’s not obviously and significantly horrendous but horrendous in ways that are difficult to explain and that I cannot speak of. That’s why I can simply write about all this well, nicely, neatly, but that doesn’t change things even if it satiates something in me. I am allowed to hope and expect, but only that. All that is kind of foolish, fantastical thinking, yes; there is no magical entity in power but there are people in power and control. There are explanations for this. And yet there also aren’t.

Yes I know I’m young and automatically I am wrong 🥺 I am a littol baby 🥺 What mistakes did I make teacher? I’m sorri 🥺 Oh look I cant even spell I’m so small and beneath you 🥺🥺

I LOVE $TING BY THE NEIGHBOURHOOD SO MUCCHHHHHJSGXGSFCS ILOVE$TINGILOVE$TINGILOVETHENEIGHBOURHOOD MY FAVOURITE BAND ♡♡♡

Sometimes I really don’t like my dad 😠

I DESPISE summer with all my heart 😊😊 I see summer as BENEATH me 💕☺️ I feel a genuine hatred for life at the moment. A genuine hatred for this world. I feel such disgust. It is unbearable to have to be when you do not want to be.