everything is an adventure

everyone please appreciate the irony of this pride flag in my closet...

I think I might be non-binary? or really I'm pretty sure, I just don't know what to do with it yet. I love where I live in so many ways but one of the downsides is that I often come back to the thought that it feels impossible to be as queer as I am here. it's not even that people are intolerant or something (if anything I've been surprised in a positive direction a few times, which is great obv) but like. it's one thing that I'm bi. everyone more or less understands that's a thing at this point, and it kind of comes up anyway (was kinda seeing a woman earlier this year, so I would have had to actively hide that which yeah no). but this feels like a whole new level and the mere idea of trying to explain it to people exhausts me. I just... really don't want to have those conversations.

it's both better and worse that I don't feel thaaat strongly about certain things. for example I do prefer they in english but I haven't found a pronoun I like in german or french, both of which are super gendered languages anyway and I don't particularly mind using she there. I think maybe I don't even care what other people use for me but referring to myself with things that don't feel like they fit me anymore feels increasingly Bad. but I've actually just mostly stopped doing that, and I think for the most part no one even notices because it's subtle and people don't pay attention that closely haha. when I say it's also worse, I mean that it makes me feel like I'm making it up, it's not that big a deal, it's a phase (although I hate that one because even if something is a phase, why should we have to suffer that whole time? as long as changes aren't permanent I don't see that as a reason against doing something about it at all. for other people, that is.), I'm just being whingey, etc etc.

anyway so that's actually an easier one. most of the difficult ones are such small things that feel silly to even think about... and yet. a couple months ago I was in france seeing the extended ski crew and we were playing codenames one evening and made groups based on how we were sitting and they just happened to like, gender align. our side being referred to as the girls team felt so bad for me I wondered if I should just get out. it's worse when it comes from people I'm super close to even though of course they can't know something I haven't told them.

the big one I'm struggling with most right now is my name. I randomly landed on something that felt right a few months ago without even actively looking and it just feels more and more me and I feel more and more alienated from my "real" name and it's kind of sad because I love being called by name by people I like, or even overhearing a friend talk about me. now it just feels like they're talking about someone I barely know anymore. but asking people to call me something else feels like such a big deal?? I don't really care about what's on my passport for now (although let me tell you the excitement is real anytime I can use my academic title not because it's an academic title but simply because it isn't mr or mrs. german tends to ruin this with the dreaded "frau dr." but english forms work great lol), it's just about the day to day stuff. I should maybe just tell at least my close friends? but even that feels soooo daunting.

sooo. change my name on here to feel it out? soft launch to myself?

signs I've been in swizzy for too long