wishin’ n hopin’

—

Doc: *gives Scar unbreaking III, mending, silk touch, and efficiency V*

Scar: dude, this is amazing, I’m gonna be able to fully enchant my hoe.

SILENCE

Doc: …what

—

Gem: oh there’s beetroot seeds! I want those, thank you.

Impulse: I’ve never heard anyone get excited about beetroot seeds.

Gem: they’re so pretty! Have you seen em?

Pearl: they are. But that’s all they’re good for. Looking pretty.

Gem: yeah, well that’s all I’m good for too and nobody complains.

—

Beef: You want some balls?

XB: uh…no, go for it man.

Beef (completely innocently): you sure? I’ve got 2. I can give you one.

XB: all…your balls…are belong to you.

—

*Distant sounds of Impulse screaming*

Pearl: are you alright!

[Impulse was slain by Vex]

Cleo: …I don’t know if he’s alright. I think he’s not alright.

—

Pearl: ok, you know what he’s targeting Gem, so we can hit it.

*Vindicator turns around and kills her instantly.*

—

Gem: look, it’s huge!

Pearl: look at Gem finding all the big holes on the server.

Cleo: *lost it*

Gem (completely unaware at what she’s just done): I’m so good at this!

Cleo: *hyperventilating*

Impulse: oh jeez.

*intense wheezing sounds from Cleo*

Impulse: Oh sh— good job Gem, I think you killed Cleo.

Cleo: you can’t do this to me! I’ve got the plague!

—

Pearl (singing): I can show you the world! Weeeeeee! (Jumps off cliff)

Impulse (very concerned): oh she dead!

Pearl (distant): Hello!

Impulse: I will show you the world as weeeelllllllll!!! (Jumps off cliff)

Pearl: oh, hi!

Impulse: *dies*

—

Pearl: oh look! Gem found me more holes.

Cleo: *snickering*

Gem: No, Cleo found this one!!

Pearl: oh, ok.

Cleo: but you found my hole after I used it!

SILENCE…

Pearl: …alright.

Cleo: *cackling*

Pearl: I think Cleo…got that one a little further down the road than it should have been…

Impulse: *snickering*

Cleo: I’m a grown up.

—

Cleo: Hi..?

Doc: Hey!

Cleo: what are you up t— I mean I know what you’re up to but why are you up to it?

—

Ren: guys, I’ve forgotten how to play early game Minecraft. Can someone hold my hand please?

—

Stress: look what I picked up! (Places down green carpet) some decor.

False: ni— from where?!

Stress (laughing): I don’t kno—Oh, the village!

False: You been shopping?! Without me?! You bought a new carpet?!

—

Doc: I’m back.

Stress + False: Welcome back.

False: wait, I thought you were going to bed, it's passed your bedtime!

Doc: Yeah, I asked and I can stay up a bit longer.

Stress: *laughing*

False: Ok, well welcome back.

Stress: *completely lost it*

False: I think it's passed Stress's bedtime too, by the sounds of it.

Stress: What do you mean?!

False: What do you mean what do I mean?!

—

Ren: Excuse me Mrs. False Symmetry.

False: Yes. Hi.

Ren: Hi there. Umm, we—

False: The answer’s no.

—

(Doc and Ren squabbling in the background)

False: Oooooooo

Stress: False, False, False. False?

False: Wait wait wait. Wait wait wait—

Stress (insistent): False. False.

False: Wait, look look. Look look. There’s a fight happening.

(Ren and Doc in the background

-The horse face! I want it!

-No! No, I need it! I need it!)

Stress: What face?

False: There’s a fight.

Stress: What?

False (with glee): There’s a fight about to happen.

—

False (about Stress): She’s not even here yet. She’s probably screaming her head off somewhere.

*distant screaming from Stress*

—

Iskall (about his starter base): it could definitely use a few more flowers. *Places down Stress’s head* It’s flowers.

—

Pearl: Ooo! Sapling!

Impulse: I have one myself.

Pearl: ooo! Apple!

Impulse: ok, we still can’t make a full tree.

Pearl: what do you mean? We can make two trees now. Ooo! Sapling! Three trees! Four trees! Five trees!

Impulse: are we gonna— would you stop it!

Pearl: I’m excited ok!

Impulse: are we gonna just trust in what we’ve gathered so far? Or do we wanna stick around for a bit?

Pearl (whispering): six trees.

Impulse (whispering): Oh my gosh.

—

Ren: Beware. There’s a deep troll that lives underground and shouts at you when you walk by, it’s very disturbing.

Cub: It’s true.

Cleo: It’s probably Joe.

—

TFC: I love it! A floating axe! *picks up floating axe*

*dies to trident*

TFC: And now it’s floating again.

—

Grian (watching Mumbo and Scar boat through a cave on land): they have 8 million subscribers, these two.

Mumbo: Well deserved subscribers, I think you’ll find!

—

Bdubs: Doc, you’ve been out in the desert for days, what have you been doing out there?

Doc: I— well, got full diamond gear and—

Bdubs: Yeah.

Doc: Iron farm. Um…and a villager breeder set up and now—

Bdubs: Oh my goodness…

Doc: I need a donkey so I can build a giant gold farm.

Gem: Doc. I have a tree. And that’s all.

—

Bdubs: oh my love! Ok we’re naming this horse Mí Amoré! Gem, did you hear that?

Gem: That’s a good horse name.

Bdubs: Yeah? It’s Spanish!

Gem: Didn’t know you knew Spanish.

Bdubs: Ok, you were supposed to know that that was actually Italian.

—

Ren (to Keralis): ok, um…if you would please sir…um…would you just please remove my head from my body?

Isklall (with zero hesitation): Yes! *smack*

Ren: NOT YOU!!!

—

Ren: I want his face, is that a problem?

Stress + False in tandem: Uh…

False: ..no?

Stress: Can I have your face? Set your spawn Ren. Ren go over there— *pushing him* to the bed

Ren: Wait—!

Stress: Click it. Click the bed Ren. Click. The bed.

False (sitting back casually): This is a real face off.

Ren (now standing on the bed): But I have much things!

Stress: Click the bed!

Ren: Wait a minute—!!

Stress: CLICK THE BED!!

—

BONUS THINGS

•The entire “Matador” “Matress Store” “Master Door” bit

•The whole Stress with the wheat arch which eventually culminates in Doc banning her from going anywhere near wheat

•Joe’s entire episode solely because of the sheer comedic value of him just minding his business and planting his crops while all hell breaks loose around him

•How many Hermits does it take to trap one sheep in a hole going on in Beef’s episode (and apparently the answer is SEVEN)

•The smash cuts in Gems episode. Her saying that she went to the Nether with Impulse and going “It went really well!” Smash cut to her walking through the portal going “THIS IS THE WORST!” Her going “I’ve enlisted Jevin as an escort to the desert. Jevin was a great escort I swear!” Smash cut to Jevin plummeting to his death.

•That one very specific moment in Tango’s episode where you just hear Stress scream bloody murder before she suddenly just jumps off the side of a cliff with explosions going off behind her like the greatest action sequence ever.

This is from a stream a good while ago around the time when Dream’s scandal started getting a lot of attention. I don’t have any sources or clips but I think some people do remember this.