You have to be fed up. You have to be sick of your own problems and negative behaviors enough to not find them acceptable anymore. Then instead of feeling sorry for yourself you do something.
Ok, things I've done to work on myself that don't require seeing a therapist:
- Educating myself by extensively researching the problems and symptoms I live with to better understand how and why I do things.
The Addiction Recovery Skills Workbook
- Seeking peer support by participating in Discord server(s) related to trauma and mental illness. I couldn't find one specific to my diagnoses that I was comfortable in, so I created one, and 3 years on it's grown and is going great overall.
- Learning to take feedback about my behavior from people I generally trust, and to not take feedback/constructive criticism as an attack, but as a tool.
- Working at communicating my feelings and needs as statements, not out of anger or as demands.
- Reminding myself that other people's experiences and feelings matter, and should be considered. Even people with the best intentions can be self-centered, especially under stress. You have to work at it.
- Learning to recognize my triggers, patterns, and reactivity, and to de-escalate myself. Treating emotions as visitors and not drowning in them; recognizing that nothing is permanent.
- Setting rules with myself as to how I handle things when I'm upset; for example, I will only raise my voice to others as a last resort, and I will not physically act out my anger in an uncontrolled way. Breaking dollar store dishes in a specified area is relatively safe, controlled, and thus non-harmful.
- Asking myself, literally, if I'm being the problem. Is my behavior the actual reason things suck right now. It's too easy to have a tendency to blame others or situations outside of your control so you have to ask. Sometimes it really is someone else's fault or nobody's, but you have to ask.
Obviously I'm not perfect at any of these skills, by any means. It's about consistently putting in the effort until you get better at them.
germansingergirl
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