Ranking Nasty Trek Figural Mugs
a few of those extremely creepy Applause figural mugs are making rounds again. I looked it up, there are twenty. I decided to rank them. Images sourced from random eBay listings. (apparently, some people collected full sets?)
1. Gorn. a perfectly charming acceptable mug. I’d be proud to drink out of this boy. definitely aided by how plasticky the Gorn’s head already looks. confused by the width of the yellow stripes. disappointed they didn’t attempt to go for the magical disco eyes.
2. Worf. already a little dead-behind-the-eyes but far better than the later examples (oh, we’ll get there). again, helped by the fact that Worf’s face is made distinctive via hair and prosthetics.
3. ‘Borg’. they kept it non-specific so I can’t needle them about a bad likeness (I just used Hugh because… Hugh) but I will say that this looks far more spy-gadget than borg. also, uh, you might want some help with the eyeshadow fallout there, buddy,
4. ‘Cardassian’. again, helped out by not specifying, but he looks depressed (’s why I went with Damar). I really hate the deep grey wrinkles/ridges. nasty. points for a decent spoon, though.
5. Geordi. we can’t see the eyes so they didn’t have the opportunity to make them creepy- definitely a good thing. there’s something weird about his mouth.
6. Sisko. uh… I don’t like it. 0% of Avery’s charm transferred. a bit malevolent.
7. Beverly. resembles Gates in no way but not actively offending to my sensibilities? what is that hair
8. Deanna. ew. blank personality-less doll. this list is starting to get creepy.
9. ‘Kazon’. first of all, I’m truly bewildered as to why they chose to go for a Kazon as one of their twenty Trek designs? they obviously felt bad about how few Voyager characters they’d picked but- who even remembers the Kazon that well? second of all, bad.
10. Q. this is garbage, they’ve ripped away his sex appeal! can you imagine this soulless ken doll flirting with Sir Patrick Stewart? NO. where’s his chin. where’s his lipstick. SHAME this mug.
OK, we’re getting down to the real unacceptables here.
11. Odo. on the one hand, I enjoy the existential emptiness of this one (same, bro) but on the other hand it is WRONG. this should’ve been the easiest one! Odo doesn’t really have any facial features! his eyes are so blue, his hair is so brown, I’m so confused…
12. Bones. look, I don’t even really know what to say about this one. De Kelley’s charming smirk has been turned into… that. I feel like that mug stole my lunch money.
13. Spock. HOW DARE THEY. his ears are so thick, not the curling delightful vulcan ears he’s due! Leonard’s face is graceful, elegant. this is just sad. green eyeshadow? green??? so weird.
14. Jim. I’m sorry, who is this exactly? I have not met this man. atrocious.
15. Quark. deeply cursed. the eyeliner really makes it what it is.
16. Janeway. the sheer fuckin’ audacity someone must’ve had to look at this fucking thing and declare it an acceptable bastardisation of Kathryn’s beautiful face!! the lips? the brows??? the everything? Kate is fine-boned and delicate.
17. Riker. ok, to be fair, this mug made me sob with laughter.
18. Jadzia. BAD! VERY BAD! LOOK AT TERRY! LOOK BACK AT THE MUG! BAD!
Bonus: they made her beautiful Trill spots look like sperm! AAHH!
19. Neelix. there are not words in the English language to describe how viscerally ugly I find this mug.
20. Data. why is this the worst offender, you ask? (actually, you probably don’t.) Data is supposed to be full of love! and this is a hollow demonic being! how could anyone do this to our boy. HOW COULD THEY. -1000000/10, this mug is a monstrosity.
And that’s all 20! I’m sorry.
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