Lorena

Just a little longer please.

• Tearing up at the seems, just aiming to please, and aesthetics don't hurt one bit. •

Dear you, When we met, we were more alike than anyone could tell. I think you brought me out of a deep hole I didn't think I could escape. We were both in that dark place and we convinced ourselves that being in the shade was a little better than laying in our graves. But time past and we grew apart and you didn't want to admit to me that you were getting better and there were sunnier people in your life who could make you feel much better than I could. But now your basking in the sun and I'm still crippled by this darkness and I have to tell my self that you just haven't noticed and it's not because you don't care. I want to be happy for you because it's the right thing to do. I would have drowned in that dark consuming hole of pain had you not pulled me out. You deserve happiness. But I deserve it too. I was there for you too. I'm still in the shade watching you from a far. Maybe I've started growing roots and you don't think I'm worth saving anymore. I'm still grateful. I'm still happy for you. I just don't forgive you for giving up on me like I would have never thought to do to you. Enjoy your life in the light friend. One of us should. - A friend you once saved

Sometimes when I try to tell my family something I have to talk extra loud. Like they're always distracted, talking over me, or ignoring me. So I have to talk extra loud and that's not even the thing that annoys me. What annoys me is when my mom yells at me to "calm down" or stop "screaming". When I'm not even being obnoxious I'm just trying to be heard. Like it's not my fucking fault nobody hear is listening to me. Then she complains that I never talk or have self esteem issues. I wonder why? Maybe because my own family acts like shit is going to come out of my mouth before I even try to talk and treat me like I'm not good enough to be listened to. I can't stand it.

A character I created but that is much wiser than I am

Have you ever felt like you're not enough for yourself. It doesn't make sense because I am one. I am whole. 1/1. But it doesn't feel right because I feel empty. I feel like when I laugh I should hear the harmony of my best friend laughing with me. I feel like when I cry I should be laying on someone's lap knowing that these tears will go away. When I think about my future I should see someone in it that's always been there. When I go onto my phone I don't want to go onto some app and see groups of people having the time of their life with people they've know for all of it. I want someone I can send things that make me smile to. I want to wake up in the morning knowing I'll have something fun to do that day because someone in my life, one person, will make me a priority that day. I'm not good laughing, crying, laying numbly, hurting, sleeping, eating, living all by myself anymore. I'm this person. I'm this one whole person but I feel like nothing with out someone amazing to share my life with. A best friend, a boyfriend, something. I have no one. I feel like everyone is taken and I'm alone in this world and I'm not even enough of a person to handle doing that anymore.