Youthful heart, old soul.

How to Make Yourself Do What You Don’t Want To Do

and this is the last image it ever broadcast back home:

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible. Because one day, I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming.

i. january it’s easy to fall back into old habits, but it’s far more rewarding to learn from them. ii. february you are capable of far more than you believe. spend your days breaking barriers you didn’t even know existed. iii. march mortality is fragile; he knew it, and you know it. there’s nothing you could have done to save someone who didn’t want to be saved. iv. april sometimes, you have to take responsibility for things you didn’t do in order to maintain necessary peace. v. may goodbyes are never easy; as your heart is ripped apart, remember they’re headed off to change the world. the opportunities are endless. be excited for them. vi. june don’t be afraid to trust; although others have torn you to shreds, the way he looks at you with soft eyes should make you believe he is different. he’s after your heart; give it to him. vii. july even an ocean between you two can’t stop the love you feel for him. no amount of vodka can drown it; learn to accept your feelings. viii. august it’s okay to put faith in your own judgements. your gut feeling is normally right, so listen to what it tells you. ix. september when you are patient, good things will come. don’t lose hope just because there’s a wait. x. october it’s important to know when to stop waiting and take matters into your own hands. if you want to know the taste of his lips, stop complaining and find out for yourself. xi. november kiss him whenever you can and tell him you love him with your words and without. take advantage of the time you have together because, soon, thousands of miles will separate you. xii. december stop holding back who you are, and allow yourself to be vulnerable for once. it will pay off, dear.