My life, Meh.

As someone who has been ghosted more times than I would have liked, it feels terrible crushing someone else's dreams and wishes. I never had any intention to do that. I really wish I could have liked them the way they liked me. But the last time I was in this kind of position, I dragged it on and didn't listen to my feelings and let things go to the point that the other guy ended up more hurt than if I would have done it sooner.

I know i tend to be on the more serious side and cant really find much joy in joking around. And its sad, having realized and felt this in such a deeper moment. How can I expect to be someone else's joy if I cant bring any for myself.

Maybe the jokes I hear around me aren't my type of humor. Or perhaps, at work, I am more focused on serious matters thats joking around doesnt really tickle my fancy. I dont know.

I am honestly so proud of myself for managing to pass this exam tonight. It wasnt easy. I had a rough two months to get through the course itself, but still managed to absorb some sort of information and managed to get a passing score.

I'm so giddy and happy 😊. Even my coworkers are happy and want to celebrate my passing score. I cant believe it honestly. Half way through the exam I was giving up. I felt like I didnt know enough to answer the questions and that I was making the wrong choices and just said "fuck it, im gonna fail anyways. Might as well make it a good grade". When I finally got to thw questionnaire and answered that last question, the next screen showed "You Passed. CONGRATULATIONS!" and i practically started bawling. I did not expect to pass. I closed the exam right away and cheered cried for myself.

Even when I do find someone, it feels hollow. Like the very interaction just doesnt matter because the moment I turn around, the fog takes them over and I never see them again. It just feels heavy to keep walking in this forest.

I just wish I could find a clearing or create that clearing to be able go find people and actually have them stick around and I can actually feel that joy and satisfaction once again.

Feeling strong attraction and desire for someone who i have no business feeling anything for them, and potentially ruining what little connection ive built with them sucks too. Like I cant EVEN make friends with someone without getting too emotionally invested or obsessed over them. Maybe its just my desire to have someone in my life, but it just hurts me more than anything else.

I wish I knew how to stop doing this. I wish I could control my anxiety as well but no matter what I do to seek help, nothing works. None of the meditations, none of the videos, nothing.