Randi Cynamon

Today I watched the movie “Hachi” on Netflix p.s. do not watch this movie if you are PMS-ing or feeling particularly emotional, I cried like a baby! Nonetheless it reminded me of the relationship I shared with Blush but it also reminded me of the abrupt way our relationship ended. Long story short my father decided to give her to the pound because he couldn’t afford her anymore and this happened while at was at school and without my knowledge. So when I got home asking where she was I felt devasted and betrayed. I never knew what became of her and today almost 15 years later I find myself wondering if she knew that I loved her. The thought of her sitting in the animal shelter wondering what she did wrong or why I didn’t want her anymore truly bothered me. She was fierce, smart, loyal, compassionate, independent and a little defiant at times. She was not a people pleaser and she stood tall and majestic all of the time. I saw so much of who I wanted to be in her character. As tears fell down my face I heard God say “you are too.” You are strong and compassionate and loyal and you’ve done nothing for people to discard you as they have over the years. And just like that I began to feel secure in who I am. God can use anything; even a childhood pet to help you realize who you are. God made no mistake in creating me, He was intentional about it. He also made no mistake in letting me and Blush cross paths because he knew that 15 years later there was a lesson that I needed to learn from her. The lesson is that you are worth having and keeping. Everyone that saw Blush thought she was too small and timid so they overlooked her and she was one of the last in the litter. She turned out to be the biggest blessing and just as I saw greatness in her, God saw greatness in me. No one has the right to discard, discredit or misuse you because your character doesn’t warrant that. Not even you have the right to discard yourself and treat yourself as if you aren’t God’s masterpiece. People may not see your worth, or they may see it and still treat you like you’re average but that bears no truth on what you actually deserve. Be strong, be fierce, be loyal, be compassionate, be smart, stand tall and walk with a stride of majesty. Be secure in how God created you.

There’s still so much work to be done, but I can honestly say that this fast has given me the jumpstart I needed to finally get my act together and stop using God as a last resort. I’ve been settling for the bare minimum, all the while insulting my worth and giving God the leftovers. With this level of clarity comes conviction and if your’e not careful you can end up condemning yourself. You cannot beat yourself up for your past mistakes or poor choices; all you can do is fall forward with the information you have now. I may not know everything God has in store for me but I can say that I’m more excited and ready to let God use me for His glory. Not only did I lose 8lbs but I also lost doubt, fear, insecurity, complacency and the ever burdensome habit of settling. The keyword for 2018 is consistency and since God has been the one consistent factor in my life the least I can do is be consistent in my relationship with Him; no matter what comes and goes. I’m worth it.

I've been involved in what I can only call a ‘silent season’ with God. At one point I was feeling rejected, unheard, alone, cast out, down and out, frustrated and a bit angry to be honest. I couldn’t figure out why it felt like the Lord wasn’t hearing my prayers or better yet why his presence was so far from me. It wasn’t until my whole religious and ritualistic world imploded that I began to understand the difference between religion and a relationship. I got so caught up in the religion and the rituals of the church, thinking that this is what God wanted from me; all the while missing his genuine presence. As a result I lost my religion which felt like I lost my faith. Imagine how many individuals are roaming the halls of the church day in and day out only to miss God completely. Sometimes we get so bogged down with the business of church that we fail to build a solid relationship with Christ himself. We get so caught up that we forget to pray and spend that quality time with him. We have choir rehearsal on Tuesdays, meetings on Wednesdays, bible study on Thursdays, senior meals on Saturdays, rehearsals all day Saturday, and services all day Sunday. We donate all our time and energy and resources to the ministry, which in essence is ok because one of the purposes of the church is to serve and be a blessing unto others. However, when it’s all said and done and you’re alone in your bed at night, are you able to have a frank conversation with the Lord? What’s your prayer life like? Is God your first line of defense or your last resort? For years I was confusing the spiritual high of Sunday’s with true clarity and closeness with the Lord. I was relying on the preacher to deliver a Word but I wasn’t really taking that Word and hiding it in my heart. I was full off the whoop and holler at the end of the sermon and never really concerned with where my faith was. I had to face the harsh reality that maybe I was religious this whole time and not cultivating a sincere relationship. Now I’m not saying that you don’t need religion or better yet a church body to be connected to. My church family has helped me to remain accountable and have been there to support me through my most difficult moments. Without the church body, I feel like this Christian walk would be extremely difficult and lonely. Certain religious aspects serve a purpose in that it helps to usher in the Spirit and take off the weight of the world. During the praise and worship portion of services a certain song will bring me to a place where I can open my heart and let down my guard enough to receive the Spirit. On many occasions I can remember being at my wits end and the moment I walked into the sanctuary a sense of calm came over me. There is nothing wrong with religion, there is something vitally wrong when religion has replaced your relationship with Christ. This is clearly evident in today’s church in how we’re so devoted to what I call the “Sunday production” but losing our minds by Monday afternoon. It’s no use giving 100% of your time to being "church busy" and not giving 100% of your genuine and unfiltered self to the Lord when no one’s watching. When it’s not Sunday and the mic’s not hot can you still feel his presence?

How you navigate through this life becomes much easier when you figure out who you are in Christ. Once you know who you are and Who you belong to NOBODY can take that away. Your gifts, talents, passions, and desires...whatever makes you authentically you cannot be taken away. God will make room for you, just trust His timing and step out on faith once you're name is called. At 25 years old I'm JUST now figuring out that it's ok to be ME. The quirks and nuances, the weird, the bad, the good, and the ugly is just fine because the Lord wanted me here for a reason. Gods will has no expiration date and when it's your time you'll know. Like my Grammie told me "When it's you're time with God you can't miss it ."

About a year ago I worked in an environment riddle with anxiety and discomfort. It wasn’t so much the nature of the job that caused anxiety, rather it was my immediate supervisor and her toxic demeanor. I remained in that position for almost 3 years, suffering but remaining faithful and diligent to my calling (working with children) and these bills lol. I was blessed to graduate and I stepped out on faith by finally resigning, with no immediate job prospects at the time. Today I find myself working at the same school but in a different and more prominent capacity; and my previous experience is what got me into the new position. My current boss is friends with the principal #butGod. All I can say is God made a way and He ALWAYS takes your bad experiences and works them out for the good; you just have to remain positive and obedient to what He is telling you, even if it looks and feels like chaos. Instead of “babysitting” the children like I used to I now help place mentors into the school to work with and empower the children. God is good.good. #Hismercyenduresforever #GraceAndMercy #newlevels #whatGodhasformeisforme #keeppressing #Hesintentional #neverfailing

Love is not pain, Jesus already endured that. Love is not cyclical disappointments, the Lord is steadfast in His promise. Love is not loneliness, God is always with you. Love is not giving your body to a man who is it even worth a hello, you were created for more than that. God is love. Love restores and refreshes your soul. Love brings joy and security. Love meets your needs and calms your fears. Love honors you and recognizes your worth. We may have been witness to a lot of wrong in our lives but it’s not to late to change the direction of your story. Actions do speak louder than words, so start acting like the queen that you are and start accepting the love you deserve.

Life is too short to be at war with yourself everyday☝🏾️.....you have to deal with yourself day in and day out so why speak unkind words and treat yourself like a burden? You are doing the best you can, and when you know better you will do better. #itsokay #loveyourself #Godlovesyou #dobetter #cubiclechronicles #journaling