Simply Complicated

There’s too much, too too much. We need so much. It’s worse than you think it is. I have been seriously contemplating some very bad choices. This tiny bit of faith is supposed to be enough but so far, nothing good has happened. No solutions just more problems. Every day, multiple times a day, there’s a new problem.

I’m not going to tell my people, I will lean on God and let Him provide and if it’s through them, He will tell them to give without me asking.

Tears pour from my eyes?

Blood rush from my wrists?

Heal and rise

Take the lifts

Lose all hope?

Hold onto faith

Can I cope?

Do I need to go all positive here?

My close friend’s husband passed away last night. I’m devastated. I feel terrible for her.

Not much longer and we can catch up. Maybe a month maybe two and we will finally be okay. Well as long as we don’t have our cars repossessed or our insurance cancelled or our power and phones shut off …

Sent a nice note to all my friends saying I wanted to skip exchanging gifts this year.

Trying not to freak out. Failing.

K was supposed to go out but it was way later than she thought so our dinner was cooked and waiting for about 2 1/2 hours.

L and I missed dad but K was there and we couldn’t talk about it.

We are currently looking at present danger assessments. The example case we looked at reminded me so much of my own experience.

When I was four our family was going out for the day. I was sitting on a stool, eating breakfast. My mom wanted me to hurry up. In anger she pulled me from the stool and I fell. I wouldn’t stop crying and couldn’t walk.

My family still went out and I was left with family friends to babysit me. They took me to the hospital and it was revealed that my leg was broken in 2 places.

I related this story to my instructor and said that because it was an accident it wasn’t present danger. She said that my mom’s impulsive act did say present danger and mentioned other impulsive behavior by my mom.

And Omigosh! This shook me. I’m having a panic attack as I really understand that what I experienced as a child was not normal and while I wasn’t beat up, I was still abused.

I forgave my mother for what she did a long time ago. I forgave my father for allowing it to happen. But still now it’s like I’m going through so many things again. And anyway… I kind of needed to write it down and tell someone.