Could you explain the whole "i donât really have depression, iâm actually just a lazy piece of shit" = you've got depression, thing? It rang a bell for me and I'd like to know what you meant. Thanks :)
one of the most insidious things about depression is it doesnât âfeelâ like depression. even when you have it, you know you have it, youâve been diagnosedâyou still find yourself thinking, no, nope, this isnât it, canât be. itâs like the mental illness equivalent of that knight in monty python that keeps going âitâs a flesh wound! iâm fine, really! this is just a scratch, iâll be up in a moment!â even after all his limbs have been hacked off and heâs lying there helpless.
one of the most common narratives around it is that no one realizes they have depression until they start checking off what they consider to be normal aspects of their livesâand personal character flawsâ against the checklist for depression symptoms. really key symptoms include:
constant tiredness, even exhaustion
finding no pleasure or satisfaction in activities they used to like, or that they know should feel good
not seeing the point of doing anything
increased and even unmanageable anxiety and fearfulness
any one of these symptoms drains away your ability to do work, cope with setbacks, overcome difficulties, or stop procrastinating. multiple symptoms create a pretty perfect storm of intertia and anxious self-loathing. you stop doing anything because itâs hard to get going, unpleasant while youâre at it, and afterwards thereâs no reward. why bother, right? and when youâre always tired you get conservative of what little energy you can manage, and when you only feel emotions on the âempty to miserableâ spectrum you get really aversive to making mistakes. the whole mess very quickly and very insidiously loads every single thing in your life with toxic emotional baggage.  Â
and then someone says to youâ or you say to yourself, âstop being lazyâ. and that haunts you forever. because youâre lazy! the work is so easy. everyone else does it. everyone but you, you lazy asshole, lying around all day not doing this totally easy thing that you should be able to but arenât. you donât have depression! of course not. mental illness is for victims, is for blameless innocent people who canât be blamed for being so understandably sick. but you can be blamed. you have a character flaw, and itâs getting worse by the minute.Â
and that is how people who have been diagnosed, who have been medicated, who have been through therapy, can still spend all day hiding in bed and chewing themselves up over their failure to just somehow magically be a good, healthy, useful person, instead of treating themselves to a sick day and saying âyup! itâs depression. i need to be kind to myself.â
