Blog for my growing hypnosis interest. Cataloguing other's writing and the ins and outs. (Will sometimes reblog explicit educational content. 25 years old.)
âIt, uhâŚâ You gulped in a mixture of excitement in apprehension at the set of garments hanging in front of you. âIt looks⌠good, but⌠donât you think it might be a little small?â
The assistant arched an eyebrow at you. âI assure you, I tailored it precisely to your measurements,â they replied. Though their tone was clipped and professional, you could have sworn you could hear a tinge of amusement in their voice. âYou may rest assured that it will fit your body like a glove.â
Yeah, my body and nothing else, you longed to say as you looked dubiously at the stand. You couldnât deny that it was expert work; rich, deep burgundy blazer, bowtie and trousers over a gleaming white, elegantly pleated shirt. When you stepped closer to examine the garments, you realised that the weave was so fine it was practically invisible; running your fingertips along the sleeve of the jacket felt so smooth it was like touching a pool of cool water. Every seam was perfectly sewn and placed; in fact, the uniform would have looked almost too symmetrical if not for the metronome insignia delicately monogrammed over the breast pocket. And it was a uniform â you had to remind yourself of that as your eyes widened, drinking in the quality of the craftsmanship. You almost didnât want to put it on, for fear of wrinkling the fabric.
âNo need to worry,â piped up the assistant, as if reading your mind. They were wearing a perfect duplicate of the outfit which stood before you, offering a handsome insight into what you were about to look like. âThis weave is quite resilient; it will not crumple easily. Though,â they added, more sternly, âyou are still expected to keep it clean and neat at all times.â
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Iâm reading a book on biofeedback trainings right now and they talk about this. The words âtryâ or âneedâ add pressure to stuff. Sometimes switching from âI need to calm downâ or âIâm trying to slow my breathingâ to âIâm allowing myself to calm down a little more with each exhaleâ or âIâm giving myself permission to slow my breathingâ can be more helpful. Thereâs a difference between âtry to relax the muscleâ and âallow the muscle to softenâ that is significant enough that for some people it can totally change the outcome of a relaxation exercise.
For other tips and tricks, instead of asking âwhyâ you canât change a thought/feeling (why being an offensive question, meaning it forces you to respond defensively - in this case defending the emotion you donât like) you can ask âis there any leeway or wiggle room with this feeling/thought/belief for something else?â Oftentimes we know multiple things at once, and by allowing for a small amount of ambiguity we can start to accept the situation more fully.
i find trance very indulgent. a way to savor a moment. to slow down and appreciate every sensation, to pay attention to simple things, simple ideas, simple pleasures, that you might otherwise take for granted. to take in how nice something is to look at, how pleasant a voice can be to listen to, how the body feels when it relaxes, how the mind feels when it relaxes. how nice it is to be guided... how nice it is to guide someone. how easily someone can respond. no distractions, nothing else... just that moment, just those words, just those feelings, surrounding you like a warm cocoon.
Forget autopilot. Your safety doesn't depend on a "protective subconscious." It depends on you, conscious and active. Agency is something you do, not something you magically have.
Negotiate from clarity. Your first line of defense is explicit negotiation before entering trance. Limits, desires, safewords. If you can't speak clearly outside, there's no safety inside.
Train your "NO". Practice rejecting suggestions and using your safeword inside trance, from day one. It's a muscle that strengthens with use. An ethical hypnotist will celebrate you for it.
Know and fortify yourself. Work on your self-knowledge and self-esteem. Fawn responses or trauma make it harder to hold boundaries. Your psychological well-being is your fundamental shield.
Claim your power (and your responsibility). You are the person ultimately responsible for your safety. Empower yourself with knowledge, practice, and the choice to play only with people who respect your active agency, not those who promise magical protection.
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A trap I tend to fall into with scene play is feeling like I need to constantly escalate and find bigger and better ideas to keep things fresh and exciting.
Honestly the effort should be on diversifying the portfolio and ensuring that the expected baseline is something that is comfortably within all participant's flavor profile so that when escalation is requested or required it is a novelty.
Every time I push myself to new heights I tend to want to raise the bar. Eventually that will push the base comfort of play outside of the agreed upon comfort zone and lead to less desire to play as the comfort and effort required are more than they should be.
The best way to prevent this is to focus IN the box and have some ideas for out of the box for when you're feeling up to it.
Anyway. If you want to better understand training, if you want to practice clicker timing, or if you want to play a fun game with erotic undertones, I highly, highly, highly recommend "the training game", which I will now describe here.
Ingredients:
- 0-1 Clicker. Not technically required, but ideal. Will be conditioned to be associated with positive feedback/praise from an audience.
- 2-8 Interested Participants. Ideally 4-6 in my experience. Much more than that and not everyone will be playing, but watching is very fun, too, so if you somehow have a large group, having a smaller group of participants and a larger audience works great.
- 1 Room To Play In. Ideally with stuff in it. Living rooms, bed rooms, office rooms, any kind of room works. Maybe even outside. Though, ideally also with an 'outside the room' that cannot hear what your group is saying inside the room.
- 30-120 Minutes of Time. You can play the training game for as long as you want or as short as you want. The more experienced you are and the more creative you are, the faster it'll go, also. First sessions are frequently quite slow moving.
To Play:
Step 1: One participant is selected to be the "animal", and another participant is selected to be the "trainer" and given the clicker.
Step 2: The animal leaves the room, and while they're not listening, the trainer and everyone else decides on a desired behavior.
Example Behaviors I've Seen or Done Before: "hug the blahaj", "sit exactly still for 30 seconds", "kiss two plushies together", "put a piece of trash in the trash can", "turn off the lights", "kneel in front of me", "twirl and then curtsy", "do a push-up", "throw a specific plush", "touch your nose to the bed", "take off your shirt".
Step 3: The animal is brought back to the room, and everyone (except the animal) is no longer allowed to speak. (laughter, groans, and non-volitional responses are permitted, but please no attempts to communicate by the audience.)
Step 4: The animal and the trainer will then cooperate to have the animal performed the desired behavior. The trainer will give clicks to indicate when the animal has done something correct, and the animal will have to figure out what it's supposed to do from this alone (usually as well as a bit of reading the audience).
Step 5: Once the desired behavior is performed, everyone congratulates the animal, and go back to step 1 and select a new animal, new trainer, and new behavior.
Additional Notes:
A lot of the time it's going to be a good idea to "reset the room" after the first few clicks with each new animal. This'll help that animal not get caught with the first thing it sees. To do this, put back everything it touched or moved around and have it return to the door.
Many of you are gonna be like "I wanna play but I only wanna be the animal" or "I wanna play but I only wanna be the trainer". No! Bad! This is a game about building empathy, about learning. Ideally, everyone should do every role. Maybe you won't equally enjoy every role. Maybe you'll want to talk with your fellow participants about what kinds of behaviors you are or aren't okay with. But please if you're going to play, play as both roles.
In general, talking through what kinds of tasks you're okay doing before starting is a good idea, and I highly recommend the trainer only okaying tasks that they have an idea of how to do.
And, yes, it was very embarrassing taking all my clothes off because my partner wanted me naked as revenge for me winning every single game of strip Danmaku!! but it was worth it because I achieved my task very, very quickly.
gonna make a standalone post of this actually, so that it's easier on the dash :)
@featherquillpen posted a very useful resource about different emotional needs that might be met by d/s play, giving lots of varied and detailed examples!
i pulled those examples out into a kink bingo card, bc i thought it'd make a nice alternative/complement to traditional kink bingos, which tend to focus on specific acts rather than emotional motivations :)
please refer back to the linked post for the explanations of what each of these "kink styles" means <3
This post is basically a transcript of a speech I give to newbies to the D/s scene all the time IRL. I figured it might be useful not only to people curious about kink IRL but also to smut writers here on the smut writing website.
For the purposes of this post, I am sending specific physical acts out of the room. Right now they don't matter, because you can meet an emotional need through any number of physical acts. So when I say that there are many ways to dom and many ways to sub, I am not referring to many kinds of physical acts. I mean that there are many emotional needs that doms and subs bring to scenes, and those can change the scene more than the choice of physical acts that will occur in that scene.
I say this to newbies to the scene because they tend to have a narrow view of the motivations and needs that bring people to D/s, biased by both the newbie's own preferences and the depictions of D/s they've seen in media. The same is true of people who write kink fic. Kink fic is very biased to a narrow subset of the wide range of emotional needs that people might bring to this kind of play.
It's really important to understand this in D/s IRL because a mismatch or miscommunication about these needs can lead to a bad scene. For example, let's take the approaches of sub-as-beloved-pet and sub-as-object. If a dom treats a sub as a beloved pet when what they really want is to be treated like an object, then a sub who went into a scene needing to be ignored, or at the very least the illusion of being ignored and disregarded, is suddenly in the spotlight of a lot of intense attention and affection. Again, I will note that both of these scenes could potentially involve the same physical acts, just approached differently. Let's say it's a service submission scene where the sub is naked and cleaning the room for the dom. Sub-as-beloved-pet would get frequent praise and lots of patiently repeated instructions, while sub-as-object would get one detailed instruction at the beginning and no reinforcement except a punishment if they get part of the instruction wrong.
I'm going to go through a bunch of different styles of dom and sub, with the emotional needs that underlie them. This list is not exhaustive. I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of or encountered, so feel free to reblog with additions. It may also be a bit dom-biased because I'm a dom, but I think that might be for the best, because the emotional needs of doms are generally less understood than those of subs.
Various consensual kinks discussed below. Kinkshamers in the notes will be blocked with extreme prejudice.
Dom-as-control: This may seem obvious or even trivial, but it shouldn't be dismissed: many doms are motivated by an emotional need to have some part of their life where they have total control over what is going to happen. Something that I love about this style of domination is that I always know exactly what will happen next (except if there's some emergency, safeword, or other issue to address.) There are no wild cards in a controlled D/s scene except for those I explicitly allow (like if I ask a sub to choose which whip I'll beat them with.) This is also a reason why I personally have a very hard time switching; I have difficulty with the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen next. It should be noted that this style of domination is fairly incompatible with the bratty style of submission, as the brat is constantly throwing wild cards into the scene.
Sub-as-blankspace: The other side of this coin is the sub who needs to not have to think anymore. They've spent all day deciding what to wear and what to eat and which toothpaste to buy and they just want to stop. This is a very common motivator. This sub needs specific and clear commands from a dom, without too many steps, or else needs to have a well-established protocol of kneeling and service that they can do by pure muscle memory. This sub does not want the dom to offer them a choice of whips they can be beaten with, because that forces them out of the blissful blankspace of not needing to choose.
Dom- or sub-as-service: The same emotional need can sometimes motivate domination or submission! Many people dom or sub out of a desire to please their partner. It's about taking on a defined role that you know will meet your partner's needs. It feels good to be needed, after all. This motivation for D/s is generally the best understood by the public, especially as a motivation for doms. It's generally more socially acceptable to want to control and torment people if you're doing it selflessly in order to please them. A big part of my motivation for making this speech to people, and for writing this post, is to point out that this is far from the only style of domination, and pleasing their subs is far from the only emotional need that doms might have.
Dom-as-whumper: I'm using this terminology because of the website I'm on. I'm not into whumpfic, but I recognize in people who have a visceral need to see their blorbos whimpering and bleeding the same need I have to tear apart a cute kitten with my bare hands, or to crush a sub beneath my booted foot. It's the cuteness aggression approach to domination: sometimes your sub is so cute your hands itch with the urge to destroy them. This is where domination and sadism bleed into each other; this style of domination does not work well for the sub who wants to submit without being hurt or humiliated.
Sub-as-object: Subs who like to be treated as furniture, robots, or objects are often motivated by a need to enjoy a sexual or kink situation while being free of attention and scrutiny. Obviously, some baseline level of attention is needed for BDSM safety; the dom needs to be able to notice if the sub is injured or upset. But beyond that baseline, it can feel very freeing for a sub to be turned on, blissed out in subspace, crying, drooling, whatever, without anyone closely watching or listening to them, so long as they fulfill whatever their purpose as an object is.
Sub- or dom-as-flex: Both doms and subs can be motivated by a need to feel competent. I definitely feel awesomely powerful and competent when I do a style of domination that requires specialized skill, such as hypnosis. Submission can also provide a feeling of competence: look how long I was able to stay kneeling on the hard floor! Look how perfectly I cleaned the room, exactly as Mistress told me to do it!
Dom-as-troll (or mad scientist): The sibling to this kind of dom is the writer who thinks "wouldn't it be fucked up if....?" and then writes a freaky nasty little horror story about it. A great thing about D/s is that you can have a thought like "wouldn't it be fucked up if I tied up my sub and then ate their favorite snack right in front of them?" and then you can just do it (provided you know your sub likes to be tied up and tormented.) Then you can find out how your sub would react to your terrible ideas and laugh evilly at the results. The emotional need being served here is the goblin part of your brain that wants to break things just to see how they shatter. All you need to do is find someone who wants to be broken.
Sub-as-brat: Brats are often discussed as a single type of sub, but in my experience, there are two rather different emotional needs that drive brats. Some people are brats because they need the assurance that they can act out all they want, and it won't derail the action; the dom is strong or skilled enough to subdue them no matter what nasty tricks their goblin brain gets up to. Other people are brats out of a need to live in a predictable and fair moral universe. Those brats want a very clear system of rules and punishments for those rules. Then they test the rules, and they get meted out exactly the punishment they were promised. Within the world of this scene, the world is fair, and the same misbehavior will always face the same consequences, something that rarely happens in the real world. These types of brats are rather different, because the first kind of brat doesn't care as much if the consequences of their misbehavior are inconsistent, while the second kind cares a lot.
Sub-as-beloved-pet: Or beloved child, if they're an ageplayer. I find that subs that like to be a beloved puppy are driven by an emotional need to be loved, treasured, and supported unconditionally, even if they make mistakes, even if they behave messily or clumsily, even if they look silly, because that's how a good pet owner should treat a pet. There might be discipline involved, but the discipline is very supportive and patient.
Dom-as-nurturer: Some doms are motivated by a need to be in a nurturing role that their non-D/s life may not allow them to fulfill. For example, a man who wants to express affection and tenderness to his partner but has a hard time doing so because of the way he was raised may be able to unlock that ability if his partner plays a sweet puppy and he's playing the puppy's doting owner. Basically, the D/s scene creates a little world and a set of roles in which it's expected and normal for the dom to be nurturing, even if that's not true for the dom outside of that scene.
Dom-as-enfant-terrible: The other side of the coin is a dom who needs to be in a role where they can be unreasonable, demanding, and selfish, a role that their non-D/s life may not allow them to fulfill. For example, a mother who spends all day thinking about her family's needs may relish the opportunity to center her own desires without worrying if she's being "too much." She can be impatient and fussy and demand the sub do things over and over until she's satisfied, all of which she can't do when she's working as a teacher or other caring role.
Dom-as-artist: I think this is a hugely under-appreciated motivator for doms. Many have a need to be creative and imaginative that they fulfill through domination. I've been to workshops and demos at kink conventions where I've been awed by another dom's fiendish creativity. I once watched a hypno dom with a sub who got off on being afraid, and he hypnotized her and crafted an extremely elaborate horror scene in the room, filling it with menacing shadows and phantasms. This is where I'm contractually obligated to link A Dom DM because this is where domination overlaps a lot with game running and game design.
Sub-as-aesthetic-object: The flip side of this coin is that many subs enjoy being an aesthetic object or canvas for a dom's art. Very often these are subs chasing a need to feel beautiful, or at least enjoyable to look at. Subs who want to be aesthetic objects may enjoy wearing special outfits during scenes, or being posed in sexy or appealing positions. Subs in this kind of scene may enjoy letting go of worrying about whether they look good to the dom, because the dom is shaping them to their own preferred aesthetic, whether that's via poses, makeup, shibari, or something else.
Sub-as-sexual-creature: A lot of subs enjoy being called sluts, offered up for free use, or otherwise being hypersexualized. Why is that? Well, our society has a lot of shame and repression around sex, and it can feel much easier to relax and enjoy sex if it's couched in the fantasy that you have no choice because you've been reduced to a purely sexual creature. The sub has an emotional need to give up responsibility for choosing to have sex and be sexual, because that responsibility is a heavy weight to carry.
Dom- or sub-as-taboo-breaker: This is a huge motivator for both doms and subs. We all live in a society, and sometimes we feel a need to break the rules of that society. Both domination and submission provide opportunities to do so. It's taboo to piss yourself as an adult, but a watersports scene creates a space where it is acceptable or even desirable for a sub to break that taboo. As a dom, I personally get a huge taboo-breaking thrill from slapping a sub across the face. There's something about the sheer disrespect of it, and the memory of being scolded for doing it as a child, that fills me with impish glee.
Dom-as-hunter/sub-as-prey: For the hunter to catch the prey, there must first be a chase, or at the very least an ambush. This need not be a literal chase (we sent physical acts out of the room, remember?) but it is a dynamic to hunter/prey-flavored BDSM: the hunter has to earn it. This fulfills an emotional need for both dom and sub: a dom who struggles with feelings of unworthiness can feel like they've earned their partner's submission, and a sub can feel that the dom cares enough to put in the effort to catch them. Hunter/prey also allows dom and sub to explore some pretty dark emotions within the safety of consensual kink, such as fear, obsession, and consumption.
Dom-as-shadow: I mean shadow here in the sense of shadow work. Many doms take inspiration from people who bullied them in school (and many subs enjoy re-enacting scenes of childhood bullying in a safe and consensual context.) There is a real emotional need served by claiming the power of those bullies for yourself. Those childhood cruelties can be utterly transformed by the change of context. For example, the catty whispers and sneers of straight girls who bullied me for being queer comes out very different when I perform those same catty sneers as a genderfucky adult.
Sub-as-lesser-being: While some subs like to be beloved pets, and others like to be disregarded objects, some like to be pond scum. There can be a real freedom that comes from occupying a role of being disgusting and horrible. Nothing good or useful can be expected of you, and nothing you do will ever earn praise, and so you're free from worrying about or pursuing any of those things. Sub-as-lesser-being is also a space to explore difficult emotions like shame and humiliation in a safe context.
I feel like people completely miss that so-called "submissive training" is also training for the dom.
Like, your rule about how you should be addressed feels undermined if you overdo it with a punishment, instead of a casual verbal reminder.
Your rule about how much water to drink doesn't feel like care when you don't call out when they need to drink more.
Your rule about bedtime is meaningless if the bedtime itself isn't consistent.
Training for the sub is to learn how to perform an expectation for a dom, and the flipside for the dom, is learning how to perform authority and understanding what kind of authority your sub will respond to in which situations. Being an authority figure is less like being the boss and more like being a gardener.
Rules that you train your submissive to follow are not something that you 'set and forget;' no, rules are like gardenbeds. You must actively care for and tend to the rules that you and your sub plant. Weed out the rotten rules that don't work or tweak a rule that's struggling so that it can thrive. Have a healthy soil for your rules to take root and grow and blossom. You don't "just know" how to be a good gardener. If you don't tend to them, rules wilt. Like with anything else, you have to learn and practice authority.
You don't have to be domineering when you practice authority either. In fact, I'd say that most rule enforcement feels warm and cozy when you're doing it right, but that can be subjective depending on your D/s dynamic. You have to show that you care both about your sub and about your garden of rules and that you are the authority that they specifically crave to be cultivated by.
So, what kind of garden have you planted? What parts of your garden need weeded? What rules grow and thrive easily there? How are you going to cultivate your authority?
Our garden has a clematis (rule for what title to use for me), but we needed to put up a lattice for it to climb in order to give it the structure (a public-friendly title) it needed to thrive year-round. That rule doesn't need much tending to in our garden, just a good structure and healthy foundation and it can be easily maintained.
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youâre allowed to tell people not to hug you, not to hold your hand, not to kiss your cheek, not to play with your hair, not to put their hands on you in any way without your permission. youâre allowed to be uncomfortable with these kinds of touching, to tell people that, and to have those boundaries respected. just because a touch isnât sexual doesnât mean that youâre not allowed to have a problem with it.
youâre allowed to create boundaries about what happens with your body and what other people do with it, regardless of those peopleâs motivations or their relationship to you. it isnât only sexual touching people need your consent for and it isnât only sexual touching that youâre allowed to revoke your consent for. people should not be touching you when you donât want them to no matter what kind of touching it is.
One key skill every hypnotist must learn is to take credit for that which happens on its own. It makes a hypnotee all the more convinced of your sway over them when you point out what they are already doing and you convince them it's because of you.
Here's the fun part, though. Aren't you influencing someone when they agree to give you that credit? Are you feeling more agreeable because you want to agree with me or because I am making you agree with me?
The trick is to make sure there's an element of consent. You may not be breathing because I am pointing it out, but you might just be letting that breath slow down and become more relaxing. If you followed along there then surely it's because I suggested it. If you followed that suggestion, would you follow the next?
It's such a playful little game, should you follow along and do the agreeable thing. Sure you could just ignore, reply with a rejection and that's fine. Choosing not to play the game is still a choice.
But to those who want to play?
What else could I take credit for, I wonder? Surely if you like this post it's because you agree with my words on some level... and if you reblog, maybe that means I influenced you to want to share these words with others.
Easy opt in/opt out.
I get to take credit and you get to follow along. Sounds an easy deal, no?
I will not stop posting until the idea that effective hypnosis practice requires stagework style deception is dead and buried.
Like, it's grand if that's what you want to do, but you don't need to maintain a façade for hypnosis to be effective. You can hop right in and show the whole sausage being made, wibbly uncertainties right there on display.
Hypnosis doesn't require kayfabe. You don't have to pretend to be an all powerful sorcerer. It's fine. It still works. It works better.
That performance is more often than not for the sake of the performer's own ego rather than anything else. You only need it if you think you do, and there are other far more effective and sustainable ways to build rapport.
New addition to the newbie guide to hypnosis: the compliance game.
---
Before anything else, hypnosis and hypnotism is a social context formed by a contract. It's a game, a combination of meditation and Simon Says. The willingness to follow hypnotic suggestion is called "compliance" by many stage and street hypnotists.
The easiest way to demonstrate how hypnotic compliance works is to play the game Compliance.
Sit down with your partner, and explain the rules:
We're going to play a game of compliance. This is a game a bit like Simon Says, but the rules here are different. Just like Simon Says, I'm going to tell you to do something. This is called a suggestion.
Every time you follow the suggestion, you win a point. If you follow the suggestion very fast or very completely, you can get more points. You only lose a point by not following the suggestions, or pausing too long to follow the suggestion.
I want you to completely focus on following the suggestion as fast and as completely as you can. As soon as you hear it and understand it, do it. As soon as I say "Jump!" you jump. As soon as I say "act like a ballerina" you act like a ballerina.
As the game progresses you're going to find it easier and easier to do the easy ones, so I'm going to go a little faster and I'm going to ask you to do things with your mind. For example, I might ask you to close your eyes and relax your body and mind, or try to resist doing the thing I told you to do. Again, I want you to follow my suggestions immediately and completely as soon as you hear and understand it: if I tell you to relax, you will immediately relax, and if I tell you to try to resist, you will immediately try to resist the suggestion.
If there's something that you truly don't want to do or you're not comfortable with the game at any point, there is a safeword that you can use at any point. Once you use the safeword, the game is over and you don't have to follow any suggestions any more.
Depending on how spicy you want it, you can tie points to rewards, or use a handheld tally counter with a satisfying click to record points. Compliance will be rewarded.
This is a fun exercise to do because your partner doesn't have to ask whether or not they are hypnotized or in a trance. Compliance doesn't involve changing your partner's perceptions, and it gives them a way to warm up and stretch their improvisational muscles and approach hypnosis from the right angle.
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When someone is being submissive? Giving up some control? You respect that. They are trusting you, relying on you. Donât fucking betray that trust. Educate yourself, be respectful and keep them safe.
When someone is dominating you, remember! Their comfort level is just as important as yours. They are relying on you to communicate your needs and problems. Donât suffer something in silence because you want to make things easy or better.
PEOPLE ARE NOT KINK DISPENSERS. People are. People. With lives and feelings and emotions. Give your partners respect, because they are giving themselves to you.
