Kink and Asexuality (when things change)
So, I've talked about this many, many times before but probably not like this. But after a few people have been a little confused on my feelings around my aceness and my own shifts recently from being asexual to demisexual, I wanted to talk in depth about how it feels for me, why ace was perfect for so many years for me and why now I don't think I'm asexual, but more demi leaning now.
For the unaware, I started talking about asexuality and me in 2018/19 after my then girlfriend now wife told me about it and it was like finding the words for something I've felt for a long time but couldn't express.
In my all girls high school, as we turned of legal consenting age (which here is 16) the conversation of course turned to who was doing it and who wasn’t. My friends were constantly talking about boys or girls (this was 2011ish so it was truly a different time where we didn't know any openly non binary people in my tiny town) they were exploring with. How they did and especially who hasn't done it yet. They saw me as an anomaly, I wanted to just get it done and out the way but I didn't have the charm, confidence or the know how on how. Remember back then sex Ed was don't do it, you don't wanna get pregnant so outside of wear a condom, and that's where the "guy" sticks the "thing" we knew very little besides the detailed conversations on who had to get tested at the clinic or who was trying to play fast and loose with their health in our group of friends. It was not great when the blind had to lean the blind. It's around the time I was 17/18 I got a serious boyfriend and finally it was my time to step up and do the thing. However, there was a glaring issue. I couldn't be touched.
Now I'm not talking about the usual first time jitters or the pain of the first time using a brand new shiny untouched part of yourself, which my friends told me only hurts for like a second or two. I'm talking the worst pain imaginable and it continues. On top of that if any part of my body was touched, besides hand holding of course, it was like I was being tickled in the worst way. It gets worse in certain spots, my tummy, chest, thighs, neck, hell even my shoulders and arms on a bad day and depending on whether someone touches it lightly or not, adds to it. I hate light touches, rough can sometimes be fine but pain is a no go. So, the first time I was ever touched by someone else before we even got to any of the multiple bases I'd been told about, it was so uncomfortable I just made them stop.
This actually led me to my first fascination with hypnosis kink. A fantasy where I am so out of it I can be touched and not even feel it. This was for my 18 year old brain hard to grasp and reason with. That's fucked up, I would tell myself over and over and so for a long time I dated long distance or always kept my clothes very much on when spending time with any boyfriend of mine. Cuddling was awful. Every attempt to even get closer to losing it failed. And now even going to doctors appointments where they would poke and prod at me was almost unbearable. So for a long time I felt like I was broken. I didn't know I had adhd. I didn't know about touch sensitivity. I didn't even know I had an underlying pain disorder that means sometimes my body puts pain on a loop. So in 2018 when my wife told me about asexuality I knew that was me. I don't get aroused like my friends would, I don't feel the same feelings as them and I can't have sex like they did. For a long time this worked for me.
However, back in 2011/2012 once I had turned 18 I was fairly active in the online hypnosis kink scene. I did sexual play with people. I was fine on my own and with my own hands and I was even pleasure conditioning myself to respond to certain triggers to massive success. Yes, even playing around with HFO. Clearly, it's not a no so why was the "real thing" such a big deal.
Flash forward to this year. I've started exploring this type of play again, it's back on the table in very specific circumstances. It was on pause for a while because I was dealing with a lot of chronic illness things, but this year as I also made my return to switching with people, listening to files and starting my quest for a potential dom situation, I was determined to with the help of my wife get over my touch sensitivity. See when we met in person in 2018 something magical happened. I could hold her and she could hold me and the usual pins and needles I would feel, the god awful tickles didn't happen. I knew from that first day, holy shit, this is my person. Not only does she get it because she's also demisexual, she never pressured me into a position, or forced my hand, or wouldn't take my no or guidance when she touched a tickly spot as a rejection. She's never tried to pat my head (which is wayyyy off limits to most people) or force something until I was ready. And it's been nearly ten years since we met, and I still trust her the most out of everyone.
We've slowly been building up my tolerances and while some days are better than others it's helping. We've also tried the fucked up fantasy I had deemed a no go, of making my body as numb as possible so she can push her luck more. But even when I drag myself up and tell her no more she has never once minded and that's why this is is helping so much.
Yes, I've been to therapy, I've asked doctors about this, no one can pinpoint why or how this works but I wanted to make this post to say, I'm not sex adverse and never have been. In fact shout out to the sex adverse aces, y'all are valid and amazing but I am not one of you. I'm kinky af when it comes to play. I love making sexy and sexual content, and with my wife and files I engage in things a lot of people would be surprised to hear about. (But thats between us). So I guess this is about how each of us on the asexuality spectrum comes at it from different experiences. My wife and I are both ace but she doesn't have what I do. You who are reading this might relate to me on some level or not. But just know no matter what you are valid. Ace or not.
The other day I told my therapist I felt like a fraud or a bad ace person because I had been exploring things more. She told me what matters at the end of the day is that you are doing what makes you feel good and what feels right for you. So, I'm still here, still ace but I'm open to new things and I think it's a good thing.
