Hโฆ Howdyโฆ ?
I felt like giving an update: me & my current best friend (& now-current partner โค๏ธ) are doing a lot better & Iโm still refollowing/unfollowing people from this blog, connecting side blogs to my new main, etc. & once Iโm done doing that, then Iโll turn this blog back to private & continue to keep trucking forward elsewhere.
I initially was going to delete the prior posts that I made now that I am aware of at least some different, but minor details, but I feel like thatโs not exactly taking accountability for my own behavior in this situation & there are quite a few things that still ring true for me in the previous posts, so up they stay!
Anywho: the ex-best friend who got my partner kicked from the server over a paranoid assumption literally created a big self-fulfilling prophecy, given I did, indeed, finally find out what exactly was even said about me in the server eons after I leftโsomething that the other guy artist friend who wasnโt the person my ex-best friend accused of & assumed had told me about The Vent had not mentioned at allโ& I think what I was told does solidify the observations me & my partner made, which is that this ex-best friend is very stubborn, lacks self-awareness, & isnโt actually as good at taking accountability as he claims to be, given he seemed to actively leave out quite a few details of behaviors & actions that happened behind closed doors on his end, that I am very much certain he knows would paint him in a bad light & that heโd have to actually own up to, would not get excessive validation for, etc.
While Iโm not particularly happy with how he & the other ex-friend treated me & my partner wrt thinking/behaving as if they could be the only โmessy peopleโ in the situationโplus whatever tf was going on with the ex-friend who actively lied & said I would โpressureโ them into responding to memes & would โconstantlyโ message them, when that was an issue we resolved & talked out eons ago, & I literally had not been talking to this person for months outside of offering them a leather trench coat, which they accepted while actively being two-facedโIโm going to say that it was a mutual issue on all fronts outside of Whatever Weird Straight-Up-Lying Shit That Was Re: The Meme B.S. & ofc what happened to my partner losing friends over someone else not being honest, too: that wasnโt okay & never will be okay & I am 99% sure, at this point, this ex-best friend either subconsciously &/or consciously targeted my partner, because they werenโt as rooted & popular in the server as the guy artist friend who actually brought all this up to me initially was, etc.
There was lack of communication, a lotta projected words & actions that I was, yโknow, not doing (& would have been willing to talk about once I wasnโt feeling as hurt?), I made my own assumptions that were only partially accurate in some cases, & the friendships that I had with these 2 ex-friends were dysfunctional & arguably very one-sided in various ways from the get-go & progressively got worse & worse over the years, given I wasnโt actively working on my OCD compulsions & I have a tendency to not really respect myself & to let people, especially men who are a tad bit misogynistic, continuously walk all over me, take from me 24/7, etc. while not really giving much in return & then somehow, when I finally try to change that, I am the only one to blame forโฆ setting a boundary? Re-setting a boundary? I dunno. The ex-best friend seems to think people cannot change their minds about XYZ Thing That Is Realistic To Change Ones Mind About & I cannot 100% confirm this at this point, but given some of what I & my partner observed happening: I think he & the other ex-friend told the mods/other people that my, yโknow, actually admitting & attempting to own up to MUTUALLY BAD behavior that was going on behind closed doorsโthat I, of course, ALSO contributed toโthat me & this ex-best friend were both actively doing, etc. was me โlyingโ &/or trying to make Whomstever โlook badโ & I think that was an easy thing to accomplish wrt convincing people of xyz lie, given a lot of these folksโwho were/still are running the server where all of this happenedโwere/are incredibly avoidant, only seem to listen to people who are in the weird niche clique that makes up that server, did not thoroughly speak to all/both sides (no one ever messaged my partner directly wrt them being unfairly kicked; they literally had to hear the apology from the server owner through me, which isโฆ mmm), etc. & I honestly did go about bringing all this up in an OCD-guilt compulsion related way, which, unfortunately: caused quite a few issuesโฆ however, either way: my ex-best friend has definitely done the venting-about-an-ex-friend-after-they-left-the-server before what happened to me, yโknow, happened, which I did also contribute toโwhich is how I even know/am aware this seems to be a patternโ& I definitely should have called that out, but again: rose-colored glasses, that friendship wasnโt healthy, & I was essentially this guyโs pick-me, which isnโt/was not something Iโm obviously proud of, given how we both mutually ended up treating a lot of folks publicly & also how we did not speak well of peopleโsome of whom we considered to be our literal friendsโbehind closed doors.
I hope these ex-friends are arguably โokayโ now(?)โgiven the situation was a literal communication trash fire on all fronts, even if they never really took visible responsibility for that on their endsโ& I hope they are, at this point, actually putting their money where their mouth is, instead of being weirdly indirect, passive-aggressive, & projecting sentiments that they didnโt/donโt seem to be actively practicing & dealing with onto other people; not just myself &/or my partnerโฆ
Uhhhโฆ I genuinely donโt want either of these ex-friends to reach out to my partner at this point, tbh, unless itโs to give a direct apology that is not full of b.s.: I am mentioning this because a mutual connectionโthat I ended up my removing myself from, due to our dynamic hurting the both of usโdid mention to me that one of the ex-friends was considering sending my partner a message, I guess? But either way: if that does ever actually end up happening, again: that apology better actually be a real one that validates the hurt that they experienced & that isnโt chalk full of excuses, justifications, etc. for why what they did/caused to happen to my partner was remotely okay, & not a completely fucked up thing to do to someone whoโฆ heartbreakingly, did on some level believe they were actually friends with this ex-friend of mine, until he hopped into their DMs in a very entitled, uncomfortable, & upsetting way wrt to his anger towards me for, god forbid, finding out he did something he should not have done in the serverโs vent channel in the first placeโฆ & uhhhโฆ wow, this text post is getting long fdgdgfg, but anyways, yeah: I wish these 2 well in whatever endeavors theyโre doing, especially given I know the ex-best friendโs at home life with his parents was/is pretty bad & shitty, but while I personally do forgive both of them, on some level wrt what was done to me & what I mutually did to them, etc. at this point: I donโt really want to hear about how theyโre doing, what art projects theyโre working on now, etc.โthey can stay in their corner & I can stay in mine.
The amount of energy I wasted on my unfinished biz OCD compulsions re: these mutually dysfunctional friendships was a huge waste of brain space & I am now arguably โdoing betterโ wrt being able to focus on better friendships, dealing with my OCD symptoms, & being able to mostly/fully focus on the future 98% of the time now, which involves gay daydreaming about moving in with my love & our 2 cats untilโฆ YโKNOW, my OCD decides to attack me again at some point in the far future, but, thatโs a worry for a different day (& I can always just get back up if I get knocked down, etc.).
New blog: Iโm putting a public link now, given I wonโt be logging back in here for a while &, at this point: I donโt really care if folks I no longer talk to decide to take a gander, given I have everyone involved blocked on my end, so none of them can message me, which is my only concern at this point.
#SWAG ๐๐
