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While the news doesn’t really come as a shock, it is interesting to see the riptide in the narrative that somehow brings out the best in Late Night TV for all the hosts.

Letterman was better, Conan acknowledged it, and Fallon had a giant smile on his face that made it difficult not to cheer for the guy.  He admitted on his show that he didn’t think he’d get as emotional as he did, but when you think of the history and the gravity of it all, it’s hard not to feel something for the guy.  It is the opportunity.

This is the show that your parents watched, it’s the show you’ve watched, and (Lord willing) a show that your future kids will download on whatever new product Apple configures to go directly into your BraInPod™

The one thing that’s hard to swallow about this whole ordeal is watching the show return to New York.  In a recent article, Dick Cavett said that the move back to New York was a tradition, insinuating that the show would be better served there.  With all due respect to Mr. Cavett, I tend to defer to the guidance of the King of Late Night Television: If, in all of his infinite wisdom, Johnny Carson said that a show belonged in LA, then that’s the place it should be.

But that’s not my call. 

For arguments’ sake, I can understand the rationale behind it.  I get it and respect it, even if I selfishly wish it would stay out here—as I think it’s critical to have one major pillar of the Late Night franchise on the West Coast to retain a competitive booking foothold in this market (I honestly feel it will provide an inadvertent windfall to all competing shows). 

Again.  Not my call.

But I will say this.  I don’t know what happens in the next 10 months.  I’m not sure what happens next for myself of the host of people who work here, but I’m pretty sure speculating about it loudly doesn’t really do any good—and, in some ways, might even come off as disrespectful to the number of people who would love to know where they’ll be in 10 months. 

I’m sure there will come a time in the next 10 months that a conversation will get more serious about new opportunities—and I’m sure I’ll be receptive to them—but I’m not the type that dwells on moping. 

In a lot of ways, it’s just like being a high school and college senior all over again (only a lot less drunk).  You know graduation’s coming, but there’s a smart way about planning for the future and it doesn’t involve crying about it (as a lot of shows don’t even get this kind of luxury).

So if you hear of stuff, great.  I’d love to talk about them without being gossipy about whatever’s going on here.  In the meantime, I’m just going to keep a positive attitude and put in work at a job I happen to enjoy. 

Amidst all the crazy, at some point yesterday I decided that the timeline isn’t so much of a looming threat as it is motivation to do more with the time I have. 

More jokes, more writing, more focus.

Luckily, I’ve got a venue for it.  This Tuesday night, Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.  10pm.  We do fun stuff like this. 

Think you might like and love it (hope to see you there!)

So if I get asked questions about the transition or what’s going to happen next by friends, family or co-workers, I may have to once again defer to the King of Late Night, who once provided journalists the following list of stock answers for all press inquiries:

“Yes, I did. Not a bit of truth in that rumor. Only twice in my life, both times on Saturday. I can do either, but prefer the first. NO. Kumquats. I can't answer that question. Toads and tarantulas. Turkestan, Denmark, Chile, and the Komandorskie Islands. As often as possible, but I'm not very good at it yet. I need much more practice. It happened to some old friends of mine, and it's a story I'll never forget.”

A mixed bag. 

We were told continuously that the theme to this year’s Oscars was “musicals.”  And much like the musical nominated for Best Picture this year, the night had a few exceptional moments and may have also benefited from an editor trimming about thirty minutes off of the overall run time.

I’ll get to the host later, but, for now, allow me to address a few key areas.

Who Writes This Stuff

For one, the segment writers did absolutely zero favors for the poor souls asked to serve as presenters.  I can’t think of one introduction where the presenter didn’t start at a disadvantage (how dare you try to derail Sandra Bullock with an unfunny self-effacing speech about editing, she’s America’s sweetheart!).  We received our first clue when not even Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy could eek out laughs from a truly awful script.  And that’s Melissa McCarthy’s thing!  She makes a living off of bringing awful scripts to life!

We Love Music

… that took place in every year but 2012!  So suck it, we’re gonna bring up Barbra Streisand, Shirley Bassey, Catherine Zeta Jones, and Jennifer Hudson to sing songs that have nothing to do with this year.  Oh, but let’s put them on after the montage packages we chopped up, because it’s really important we see the performer just stand there and eat up the time doing absolutely nothing.  Lord forbid we actually do a “In Memoriam” montage and NOT see Streisand’s face!

Memories, indeed.

The Host

This might take awhile, so feel free to take a break and come back to this mid-way through.  I’ve got some stuff I’ve got to work through here.

I’ll start with this: Like it or not, Seth MacFarlane is a very talented man.  He’s a very solid businessman who’s found the perfect vehicle for his brand of humor.  He also happens to be blessed with a truly dizzying array of vocal talent.  So while not my first choice to be host this year’s Academy Awards (or any, really), I’m always game for a change—especially when it’s a comedic talent.

Also, I can get away with saying all this because, as the photo above demonstrates, we're friends (side note: look how drunk he was there!).

My original criteria for MacFarlane was “don’t be a douche.”  In fact, I was going to create a drinking game for my home viewing party that would have required guests to take a drink every time he said something like a d-bag, but I didn’t want my guests to be tanked by the end of the monologue.

And, for the sake of being positive, I’ll gloss over the bulk of the MacFarlane criticisms here.  As anyone who’s seen an unfunny episode of “Family Guy”—or, more realistically, a funny episode of “American Dad” (I’m still not convinced they exist)—will attest, the MacFarlane brand is widely known to be hit-and-miss.

And last night was no different. 

While he didn’t really deviate from the normal Oscar-hosting opening monologue tradition (“look at who is in this room, tonight!”), there were certainly some flourishes that felt all his own. 

For example, the William Shatner drop-in seemed to fit right up his subversive pop culture reference wheelhouse (“Captain Kirk, what are you doing here?”).  However, much like his animated series, the jokes sometimes had little (if any) relevancy and also had a tendency to go on for a little too long.

Did I say a little?  I meant way, way too long.

They didn’t hand out the first award until 21 minutes into the telecast.  21. Minutes!

You mean to tell me they couldn’t have cut three out of the four(!!!!) opening song numbers?  Honestly, if he just landed the jokes, did a song, and threw to a couple of presenters, no one would have batted an eye. 

And sure, “Worst Host Ever” is an inspired meta-gag, but holy shit did that get run into the ground?  In retrospect, I guess it’s my fault I didn’t expect that the guy who routinely lets a joke get repeated to the point of ad nauseum on his animated series would let the show run long due to indulgence.  So… enter the songs.

First there was a song about “Boobs” that’s supposed to have it’s misogynistic premise off-set by the fact that there’s grown men tap dancing on stage (and punctuated by an appearance from the gay men’s choir at the end).  And even though it inadvertently references the inequality between what is considered serious acting between men and women, it’s not even all that offensive (it really was too stupid and silly to get all worked up about).  BUT… was it funny?

Meh. 

In terms of cost-benefit, I’m not really sure the gag is worth all the effort.  I was actually waiting for someone to jump in and say how we’ve also seen a few of the male members of the academy—ya know, to maybe downplay the lack of reason to do this tangential skit in the first place… or just play fair.  But, again, that kind of humor’s probably a step too far for MacFarlane’s bag of nonsense (I can literally hear someone in the writer’s room yell, “No one wants to hear about dicks. This is a tit bit, nothing else!”)

Then you have Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron come out to do a little waltz that, once again, had zero reason to be included in the show.  Other than maybe reminding us that Charlize Theron can do just about anything (while also serving as a cruel tease to let Tatum think he’ll get anywhere near a real Oscar).

Then you have a sock puppet re-enactment (admittedly, a highlight of MacFarlane’s brand of humor) that hits.  I mean, it hits BIG.  We’re talking “Raf picking 23/24 Oscar picks,” big (let me have this!).  At this point even your at-home amateur host instincts say, “Ok good, we can all get a move on and end this on a high note.”

Nope.  Not quite.  Sit back down you assholes, we’re not done with you yet.  Get Harry Potter and Robin the fuck out here.

And that still wasn’t the last song!!!

To me it felt the producers didn’t want to short-change the monologue (that would scare away the Oscar-faithful!) and they also wanted to allow for an opening that felt true to their host (whose fans can give a shit about Oscar traditions).  So an inability to make a decision one way or another gave us 20 minutes of, let’s just throw shit at the wall and see what sticks (is this the Tony’s or some really dysfunctional variety show?).

Now, to be fair, that’s probably not entirely MacFarlane’s fault.  But I think this punctuates where the split in the enjoyment of the show occurs: If you enjoy MacFarlane’s throw back to old-timey showmanship, then you were right at home.  If you hate irrelevant humor and demand that all of your jokes be motivated, then you were likely on the Twitter expressing how shitty of a host he was.

Sad truth is: He wasn’t awful. 

The mystic power of Seth MacFarlane is that he cares not if you think his jokes are dumb or if you think he’s offensive.  Maybe it’s the fact that he is a douchebag who can care less if his jokes land or if the transitions make sense?  There is a security in confidence, especially when you have someone who a) is talented, b) has writers who deliver the brand of humor that fits them like a glove and c) finds a venue that is perfect for his ode to the days of the Rat Pack.

From a mere performance level, I found it oddly fascinating that I wasn’t really bothered by MacFarlane’s shtick on the first view (maybe I afford first time hosts a little leeway).  But upon a second viewing, I could single out all of the nervous facial ticks, the slight unease of playing to a Hollywood audience, and even the discomfort of when the jokes didn’t land. 

Throughout the evening, I thought MacFarlane had a few bit/concepts that worked fairly well.  And he really did all that he could to make the show feel special: he told jokes, sang, did one of his signature voices, and even danced (well… the less said about that last one, the better).  Hell, I’ll even give him credit for being a good sport and basically doing glorified voiceovers disguised as commercial bumps.

So yes I thought Seth MacFarlane was a serviceable, old timey douchebag host.  I don’t think I’d have a problem seeing him come back, but good news folks who hated him, he’s not interested in coming back!  Everybody wins!

At the very least, I can give him much higher marks than the last real showman to grace the stage, Hugh Jackman. 

But when you sit down and think about who does a better job hosting, the real truth probably lies somewhere in one of his throwaway jokes:  Amy Poehler and Tina Fey would have done a better job.

I’ve been saying it for years and I’m not about to stop now.  Bring Tina.  You can pair her with just about anyone, but Amy would be a fun choice. 

Too bad they also happen to be smart enough to know which gig has the better pay off.  Still doesn’t make me want to see it any less. 

Timeline

And now as a reward to all of you who’ve made it this far (I have no idea how you managed to stay this long), allow me to offer some random observations that didn’t have any place in this overall review.  Here they are, presented in chronological order for your reading pleasure:

-  Christoph Waltz deserved it, the man speaks fluent in Tarantino.  That category was the most intense of all the races. 

-  Sorry Tim Burton, you’re going to have to pull out an even more personal animated story about your life to win an Oscar.

-  Oh, so we’re lumping all of the Best Picture Oscar nominees into groups of three?  I was really hoping they would create a montage that would combine each set into one film:

     o   “Beasts of the Les Miserables Pi!”

     o   “Zero Dark Argo: Lincoln”

     o   “Silver Unchained Amour”

-  How pissed is Hugh Jackman that Daniel Day Lewis had to be a jerk and pick this year to blow everyone’s mind as Abraham Lincoln?

-  “The Avengers” cast was a mess.  You can’t bait Robert Downey Jr. to try and be the coolest man in the room after showing George Clooney.  He'll just embarrass himself. 

-  Samuel L. Jackson’s Jacket. That is all.

-  Are we still being a dick to Roger Deakins?  Cuz we need to cut this shit out.

-  Remember that time Christopher Lambert as Raiden from Mortal Kombat won Best Cinematography?

-  Ok, one more Sam Jackson joke: “This motha fucking ‘Life of Pi’ is some serious shit!”

-  Screw you all, “Jaws” was an inspired choice for playoff music.

-  … except when used at a time when a Visual Effects guy pays tribute their now bankrupt company.

-  Yes, that was Nicole Kidman mouthing the words, “aww poor thing,” with a head nod that said, “that’s not how you play at the Oscars, now get off the stage you visual effect dorks.”

-  The reason George Clooney ducked his head when Channing Tatum says he that he wakes up “camera ready” is because it’s true #ClooneyFact

-  This lady from “Anna Karenina” won Best Costuming by recycling the same wardrobe she used for “Atonement” and “Pride and Prejudice” #Range

-  Watching the clip of Hugh Jackman dying as an old man in “Les Mes” in a montage clip is really funny out of context and does him no favors in showing off his “acting.”

-  Hey Forensics Nerds, doesn’t Seth MacFarlane clap like that intense a-hole who’s just waiting for someone to hand them their 1st place ADS trophy. 

-  I see Halle Berry wore her diamond encrusted pimp jump suit.

-  “Hey, here’s a montage on 50 years of Bond because we were never gonna nominate ‘Skyfall’ no matter what.”

-  Do you think Axl Rose was pissed they didn’t use Guns 'N' Roses version of “Live and Let Die?”

-  Follow up: Do you think Axl Rose can afford a TV?

-  I see the Academy didn’t take my idea of having Shirley Bassey and Adele sing their respective Bond songs at the exact same time.  Coulda been an #OscarMoment

-  Joey Ortega had the comment of the night with: “Wait, that’s not Shirley Bassey, that’s Maya Rudolph playing her, right?”

-  Damn you “Curfew!” You were my downfall this year!!!

-  It was nice that the Director cut away from the makers of “Inocente” the minute they started talking about homeless artists.  Because looking at homeless artists is icky :-(

-  Northern Ireland born Liam Neeson has become the “definition of an American super hero?”

-  Classy touch having Neeson—who was originally cast to play the 16th President for Steven Spielberg—introduce the film he was once attached to.

-  Oh no, Ben Affleck off-script =’s danger zone.  Remember when you gave him a Best Writing Oscar, academy! Look at all the use he gets from it!

-  The Oscars are being scored from a panic room nearby!

-  #Muuusicalllllsss

-  The panel slide reveal for the musical segment was awesome.

-  I would say Catherine Zeta Jones is lip syncing, but don’t you need a mic to do that?

-  Jennifer Hudson was only given an Academy Award so that they could drudge her out of the woodwork every few years to come and sing on the Oscar stage, not because she was any good as an actress in “Dreamgirls.”  If we can admit that, I can admit that was a spectacular vocal performance.

-  Having said that, Hudson’s solo performance dwarfed an entire cast of “Les Miserables.” 

-  Technical awards review of the telecast =’s Bathroom break!

-  The self-effacing Seth MacFarlane jokes would work much better if we actually believed Seth MacFarlane was capable of showing genuine humility.

-  Really coulda done without the “Ted” bit.  Big swing and a miss.

-  Both of those Sound Editing movies really deserved it, happy there was a tie.

-  Now that Anne Hathaway finally wins an Oscar, I hope she can drop a little bit of the overtly perky act and relax a little.

-  Anyone else find it troubling that they played almost all of John Williams’ music for Steven Spielberg films on a night when they decided to majorly snub the director.

-  This.

-  Forensics nerds, although they’re technically not the proper hand gestures for public speaking, I will not dock you if you ever use the same hand gestures Adele uses when she sings.

-  Every time Kristen Stewart utters a sentence on TV, I like to add the words “…or whatever” and count how many times she brushes her hair.

-  God it looks like Rene Zellweger lost 10 fights walking to that stage.

-  Remember that time Scarlett Johansson and friends stole a song from the Avett Brothers and passed it off as an original composition?

-  Adele wins most personable speech, by far.

-  Little depressed that there wasn’t move love passed around for “Silver Linings.”  If the adapted category wasn’t so stacked, I could easily see it taking a prize like that any other year.

-  Quentin Tarantino is incapable of giving a speech without saying how great he is.  You’d think for a writer, he’d be able to piece together something with a little more heft than?

-  Sadly, I wish there was more acknowledgement for “Moonrise Kingdom.”

-  Was it just me or was Ang Lee channeling Michael Jackson during that acceptance speech?

-  Oh no.

-  Jennifer Lawrence may have fallen down on Sunday, but in doing so she’s endeared herself to all of us for a lifetime.

-  Stop it, Hugh Jackman.  We get it, you’re the consummate gentleman!

-  In order make all the Best Actor nominees feel better about not winning to an actor with 100% chance of beating them, they sent MERYL STREEP!!! That’ll ease the pain.

-  The best acting Meryl Streep and Daniel Day Lewis have ever done is pretending like they didn’t deserve their three Oscars.

-  First Lady.  Respect.  They went out and got the best speaker in the nation to give out the award for Best Picture.

-  I was really hoping President Obama was going to hand her the envelope.

-  That might have been the best acting Ben Affleck has ever done—and that’s saying something, because it still seemed vaguely passive aggressive in Matt Damon’s direction.

-  And that’ll conclude this year’s Tony’s… I mean Emmy’s… I mean Blockbuster Movie Awards?... I mean what show is this? 

-  No wait, they’re doing a song over the credits that no one really seems all that into.

-  Ok, well, my brain’s checking out.  I’m done here.

That’s right, bitches, we’re on iTunes.  I know many of you thought I’d first make it onto iTunes as the world’s oldest overnight pop sensation, but it looks like I just pulled another fast one on you all.  Burn.

Now, I’ll grant you that putting the both of us in a category marked “Professional” might be a bit of a stretch, but I think you could make a fair argument that most MMA-themed podcasts are a bit of a snoozefest.  And, sure, you can say many things about myself and Kevin (believe me, I’m about to shortly), but I think you would be hard-pressed to call us both “boring.” 

We’re looking to do these podcasts on the regular (before/after most major fights) and present the fights in a way that makes it fun and accessible to mass audiences.   If it’s not too much to ask, we’d love for you all to give it a listen and give me your honest opinion.  Over the next few weeks we’re going to look to make some tweaks to the format and—as former forensors—I think you can trust that Kevin and I take notes very well.

But seriously, give us feedback, because we could really benefit from it.  I mean, look at this guy.  This is my co-host.

Is this not the look of a co-host that screams, “I was dropped a few times as a child, I can really use the help?”  Does he not look like he is auditioning for the male adaptation of the movie Nell?  Is he possibly the distant, white cousin to Cuba Gooding Jr.'s lead character from the movie Radio?

If you’ve seen the movie Tropic Thunder, you understand I am essentially working with “Simple Jack,” so any and all feedback will be appreciated.  Because this is what I’m working with people.

Anyway, enough with the movie insults (for now).  If you want to listen and drop me an email, feel free to do it at [email protected] or hit us up on Twitter.  We’re friendly and won't get hurt by any notes.  Promise.