#monologuejokes

1. A Delta airplane dumped jet fuel on a playground full of children. Who knew there was a place you could take your kids that was dirtier than a McDonalds’ ball pit?

2. Cory Booker suspended his campaign for president this week and while he has yet to endorse any of the remaining democratic candidates, all of the remaining candidates endorse his departure.

3. General John Raymond was sworn in as the first commander of the newly created space force, which is great because it solves zero of the real current problems facing our country like Iran or climate change.

I wrote these on the 14th and never posted, my bad.

1.  Bill Coors, former chairman of the company that makes Coors light, passed away this weekend. Despite the rumors, it was determined that the cause of his death was not silver bullets.

1. It was recently discovered that photos from Donald Trump’s inauguration were edited to make the audience look larger than it actually was. Rumor has it Trump has used this trick before to make things look bigger... like his tiny, tiny... hands

I wrote 21 jokes on 10/11 and edited them down to my top 9:

Catalan leaders signed documents Tuesday declaring themselves independent from Spain. In other news, the Spanish army will invade the world’s newest country, Catalan.

An elderly couple, together since grade school, died in California’s recent wildfire. Experts say they’re the first couple to go out in both a blaze of glory and fade away.

During their visit to the White House, President Trump called the Pittsburgh Penguins “incredible Patriots.” Earlier that week he called the New England Patriots, “incredible penguins.”

The Utah police officer who arrested a screaming nurse after she refused to let him collect blood samples was fired this week. “Blah! We can get fired?!” said a vampire.

The Utah police officer who arrested a screaming nurse after she refused to let him collect blood samples was fired this week. Not to worry, picking up the slack back home are his 8 wives.

Georgina Chapman is divorcing Harvey Weinstein. Said Weinstein in response, “Maybe I can change your mind with a massage in my hotel room?”

Israel informed the NSA of a breach, after hacking Moscow anti-virus firm Kaspersky. Said one Russian official, “Israel, how many more enemies can you really afford?”

Zuckerberg is being slammed after showing off Facebook’s virtual-reality feature by visiting a devastated Puerto Rico. In his defense, before virtually leaving Zuckerberg made sure to toss virtual paper towel rolls to all the victims.

Chelsea Clinton was quoted this week saying, “Why Doesn’t Everyone Love My Mother?” However, she failed to mention that “Everyone” is Bill’s nickname around the house.

Playboy Magazine will no longer publish photographs of nude women. It’s surprising it took this long, as men have been “reading it just for the articles” for over 60 years!

Scientists made a breakthrough recently giving robotic arms a sense of touch! The jury is still out on whether it will help Hillary succeed in her presidential campaign.

A study was published that said ⅓ of americans eat fast food everyday. Or as the fast food execs call it, “living off the fat of the land.”