Levi G. James

Why You Need to Stop Saying What People Want to Hear | Kyle Cease on Imp...

Baby boy is growing up December 2018

2018 has been a hard year. They’ve all been hard the last 3 years. But damn, this one was hard. Frankly, I don’t like myself right now. I feel lost. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. I feel pent up like a drone. I don’t like my job. It sucks. I spend 40 hrs a week sitting an office doing mindless work. I’m not passionate about it and I sure don’t feel valued for what I do. Sigh. More over, transitioning has been hard. I don’t like it frankly. I do not like transitioning. I haven’t admitted that even to myself until now. And it feels so good to say. i don’t like transitioning. It sucks too. It just does. its so hard. And at the same time, I feel like I don’t get to be honest about this because I put on a brave face to the world for validation of my identity. Its hard being trans in a world that doesn’t understand what that is or means. Which is why I don’t talk about the struggles I face. Because who will understand it? I feel so much pressure on me already to struggle I don’t want to give anyone the satisfaction. But damn, i’m struggling. Some trans people love transitioning and the process. I dont. Changing my name, coming out, legalistic aspect, surgery, hormones, coming out again, educating, correcting, standing up for myself, picking my battles, family distance, the list goes on. I feel like I have no safe space in the world anymore. And I don’t feel like I fit in with other trans folk. I feel to leave it to beaver. Idk. I just wish I had someone to talk to, who would get it. And get me. I’ve been so lonely since transitioning and coming out. I don’t even feel gotten by my gf completely. Everythings changed. And all of my relationships have changed. Where do I belong? Where’s my tribe? What should I do in this world? I don’t think anyone actually reads this, which is ok. But if you do, let me know. I could use an outsider perspective. Thanks.

BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE TRANSITIONING

 What other words do we gender in our language? Why is language even gendered? Everything is gendered!! All this to say, I have missed identifying with my “sassy” side since transitioning. I find it uncomfortable to use the term sassy anymore. In an attempt to get to know Levi I want to be intentional about the words I do use to describe who I am. Perhaps I only ever used the word sassy because it is just that. It is a niche word to describe a certain type of woman. I am no longer a woman, so now what? Smart ass? Spunky? Witty? Sarcastic? Playful? Or, better yet, just keep it sassy.

To be trans and sober can at times feel like an isolating lonely space. Pick either one of those identities and you can see why. Combine the two identities and the challenges are magnified. How can we create trans and sober spaces in our communities? Trans and sober people are everywhere. We need support. We need community. 

14 months into my medical and social transition. I feel grateful for the changes . Dysphoria is less prominent in my life and has allowed me the mental capacity to focus, breath, and enjoy life. I’ve realized though, there is so much I still don’t understand. What is gender dysphoria really? Why is our trans medical care in America built to reinforce the gender dysphoria narrative? I’ve had to tell a story of dysphoria in order to have surgery letters written without anyone actually diagnosing me with dysphoria and explaining it to me. How does that make sense? I want to live to see a new trans narrative take hold. It’s ok to be trans and happy with your identity and body. Gender euphoria is the new gender dysphoria. You are trans enough just the way you are.

11 Months on T and beginning to feel more comfortable in my body, and socially. 9 days till’ my 1 year 💙🎉