gonna pretend i'm sorry for this cause tbh- it's just a string of spop gifs where i rant for way too long about the feels i get from each scene~
(-hey - i said sorry, ok ... sure, i openly admitted it was a lie - but i guess i just hoped you'd appreciate the slight effort of the pretense-)
this moment obviously kills me- just like i know it does for alotta you- but i just gotta call attention for a sec to what exactly kills me the most about it: up until this point, we've constantly been shown brief moments of catra's expression betraying her true vulnerable state - even if it's just a close-up of her eyes - during which less than a second passes before the look in them transitions from sad/hurt or disappointment/self-hatred (anything of the sort, really) to anger/ resentment/ rage. her brow usually falls quite quickly as her eyes narrow, refusing to allow her real feelings to continue just being felt - (& tbh, for most the show, i think she's just so fucking afraid of what might happen if she does let herself feel them- esp s4 after the portal)
but in this scene - that's changed. it's completely turned around, flipped upside down - she starts off w her usual habit - a display of resentment and rage - that dissolves into the most heart-breaking freaking expression i think i've ever seen. because you can see just how heart-broken she is- and it kinda seems like she's tryna admit, w/o having to say it- that she was already heart-broken for a really long time, and is tryna make one last attempt at getting adora to understand- not to choose catra- that's not the point, that's not what catra's after, even if it is what she wants and needs to know (for her own peace of mind) if the feeling is mutual-
rn, all catra is desperately tryna get adora to even just think about - is herself. take away every single person she feels responsible for - which is literally everyone.. everyone - a feeling, btw, catra now understands to be an unconscious reflex born of the trauma shadow weaver had caused adora. she's finally able to see it was never just her - adora was just traumatized far more secretively & in ways that would be harder for others to notice (which i'm sure was very much on purpose)
- the weird convos w shadow weaver, disguised as personal pep talks, looked as if they only took place when shadow weaver had adora alone - but in failsafe, catra hangs back to listen & make sure there's no bull shit going on- just like she said she would- "i'm only going to make sure shadow weaver doesn't try anything - it's not because i like you-" (yeah yeah we get it- u DoN't LiKe HeR ~ duuuh, that's cuz u luv her u dummy <3)
oh but now- now i gotta talk about THIS look right here- as if the expression they give catra when/after she asks "what do you want, adora?" isn't enough to see me out in the backyard digging my own goddamn grave- then they throw this shi on my tv screen just seconds later ?! tf. i mean- the way catra's eyes shift up- no longer able to keep looking at adora after the only answer she can give her as to what she wants is "i have to do this, catra - i'm the only one who can" ... FUUUUUUU THO OK
for so many reasons, too many for me to get into in a post i already feel bad about cause dude i ain't near done ranting on scenes and moments annnd i see how long it's already gotten- my bad, fr- so i'll just try (and fail) to narrow it down and keep it brief- catra's questioning what adora wants is definitely aimed most importantly at her hope that maybe she can still get adora to even just think about that- to realize that she's allowed to and should think about it.
but i also read it as, once again, these two knowing each other so well that they don't always have to say exactly, word for word, what they wanna ask or tell each other- the emotional stuff is weird and hard for them to even put into words still, tbh; cause i mean, ya know- orphaned child soldiers discouraged from even showing any signs of illness when sick, cause asking for medical attention would be a real loser move for a kid to make, right.. like, wtf? dude- they can take on so much and handle the gnarliest situations that require strength and skills and abilities i couldn't ever ever fucking fathom facing - but feelings? tf? all i can ever hear them thinking in response to those: "ohhh fckfckfck what is this, why is this & how do i make it stop -???"
so when catra asks adora what she wants, i mostly hear her begging adora to be a little selfish - just this once, at least - and let herself think about herself, but i also hear catra's most vulnerable, desperate, & honest ask of adora so far. what i hear woven in what catra actually says aloud, is another quiet question she's still too scared to put into words, but that i kinda think she hopes/knows adora will hear if she's really listening- "do you want me?"
uggghh and the way that after a moment of an outward, unfiltered display of grief over adora's answer (or more accurately, lack of an answer), catra wipes her eyes and turns away. the switch flipped. back on her bull shit. emotional defense mechanisms she's once again starting to feel are the right idea & always were, and is prob feeling like a fool for ever thinking she might actually get to have a life where she doesn't have to feel them as necessities - where it doesn't feel like that's the only way she'll ever survive.
cause maybe by now, she's seen that some people get to have that - but it's just not the life that was ever meant for her. just like adora was never meant to have a life of her own - at all - period. they're both still so easily fcking convinced of what they've been conditioned to believe about themselves, their lives, and the inevitabilities associated w their existence - (FUCK OFF FOREVER SHADOW WEAVER)
and the quick little moment of adora shown just after catra disappears - possibly gone from her sight forever - the shorter close-up of her reaction before the shot goes waaay back and she cries out for catra - i feel like it def doesn't get enough recognition (prob mostly due to the fact that the clip of adora yelling catra's name comes only seconds later and is portrayed far more dramatically, & in a way that crushes tf outta ur soul, ofc)
but that lil bit there- that brief second of adora's initial reaction- the moment she starts to process that catra just left- that catra's gone, and that this time- adora thinks it's probably for good- her short, shuddering intake of breath followed by what seem like more hurried, forced breaths that kinda appear difficult for her to take- sound like the first seconds of a fcking panic attack to me dude.
and it certainly hurts to watch just as much as when she calls out after catra - although yeah, tbh, that bit stings a lil extra in its own way- i mean, knowing catra had to have heard adora pretty much scream out her name seconds after she disappeared w melog- fuck. (idk how tf catra didn't come right back tbh. i'd be visible again so quick, rushin to adora like "omg bb i'm so sorry- pls don't cry, never ever, ily so much, won't ever hurt u again ok- ilysm omg omfg ily i'm so sorry" & btw, that's a totally normal thing to think when watching that scene ok-)
oh but then - omfg - adora gets a swift slap in the face from the crystal castle - the haunting of a sudden, unexpected vision of catra. all the catra's. catra in so many of the different forms adora's known her through, even if it was as enemies. it reminds me a bit of an excerpt out of the "don't go" fanfic - "catra hasn't been in her life for a long time - but she hadn't known how unbearable it would be to lose her for good until that moment" -
neither of these bitches ever wanted each other gone- catra (very sadly so) def spent most the series tryna convince herself that's how she felt about adora- tho it's just cause her conditioning taught her to think needing someone makes you weak and easy to hurt, and tbh, i think catra knew she needed adora for most their lives, even if she could never admit it to herself in even the form of a full, conscious thought--
but i think she also believed that, after the promise, that need was confirmed to be mutual. and in that way, it was something catra never needed to say but also never felt the need to be ashamed of/embarrassed by- until adora left. and her belief that the feeling of needing each other for support & protection (and let's be honest, care & affection) was mutually shared between them was shattered - & in such a way that i imagine catra musta felt like she was the actual idiot all along - adora had never needed her, and now she needed to figure out how to achieve that same independence - she needed to figure out how to not need adora.
omg tho dude - pretty sure i've said it before but i can't not say it (aka rant on it tho tbh- sorry lol) again and prob every time i ever share anything that features this couple seconds of what i kinda feel to be adora's most honest, selfish, & vulnerable moment we see up to this point- & without her needing to say a fucking thing- just tears that fall from her eyes after catra basically says "uhh yeah ok so- fuck that nonsense- i'm not leaving, idc wtf happens- i'm staying with you"
--(cause yeah, maybe she spent the last few years too prideful and stubborn to admit that was always what she wanted to do and where she loved being the most- and after so little time spent back by adora's side- it was breaking her fucking heart all over, knowing her chance at having time w adora was going away again- but regardless, catra gets now- that part's not up to her; it's never been her choice to make- & not even adora's, really- but deciding to stay w adora no matter where she goes- that's always been up to her- and she's not ever fucking making the mistake of choosing not to stay right beside that silly sweet dummy ever, eeeever again)
BUT duuude tho - the way adora cries a bit but says nothing - doesn't attempt even once to try n convince catra to go, to push her to leave and get somewhere safe - i just can't help but figure catra staying with her is exactly what she wanted, but never would've asked for in a million years. never would've even let herself form the question in her head.
but in spite of that, when catra states it unequivocally and clearly adds w confidence - "no matter what happens" - adora can't argue. she can't insist. much like catra hasn't really been able to do for quite a while now - adora can't fake it anymore. she's just too tired and she finally has to recognize she wants someone to take care of her, too - just like she's felt compelled to do for everyone else for so long. and in that moment, i feel like she's finally wordlessly admitting to catra, not only does she want her to be the one to take care of her - she needs her to be (and always has)
ahhhh but oof-baboof bro - then there's all this.
somehow, catra straight up delves deep into the abyss currently consuming adora & pretty much says - "fuck no. plsss wake up - you can't just die like this, not before you ever get a chance to live your own fcking life, good god dude - i get now why you couldn't before, but please, this time - STAY."
(huh- stay.. another way of saying "don't go"... hmmm :) <3)
these gurls literally got so much love for each other that catra is able to straight up force open an entryway into adora's fading subconscious (which seems to be the only part of her that's still alive) - just by talking to her - barely above a whisper there in the heart, but in adora's mind, she's screaming at her.
the desperate, hopeful sentiments uttered, urging adora to keep going - to push through this and come out the other side alive - to please survive because you deserve to - are just that much stronger when they come from catra- it's that loud to adora when catra is the one saying it- cause she's finally freaking realized, catra's the one she most hopes to hear it from. knowing catra feels that way about her is something she's never really had, and vice versa ofc, even when they were both in the horde. it wasn't the kind of thing they were taught to say or even acknowledge feeling - but hearing catra beg her to just stay alive - and then hearing why catra so desperately hopes for her to - adora's made certain that it really is true -
she does deserve love, and there's someone whose love she's realized she wants- and they're holding her, telling her she has it & always has. and suddenly staying isn't a hope, isn't a plea - it's an inevitability. adora ain't going nowhere--
and, so reminiscent of adora's line to catra near the end of save the cat: "c'mon catra, you've never listened to anyone in your life - are you really going to start now?" we hear catra imploring adora: "you've never given up on anything in your life- not even on me- so don't you dare start now!"
they both know each other so well, they know the best buttons to push that might just work when tryna reach each other, even when one of them is lost to the point of nearly being gone for good - they don't find a door to open - they take a saw to the fucking wall and make one. and pull the other back through. cause everything will be ok if they just stay together. and once they've both finally accepted the truth to that - that's all they wanna do, to the point of refusing to allow each other to die when faced with that possibility. and likewise, refusing to die- just knowing the other is there waiting for them, wanting them, is enough to bring them back -
wanting the life they haven't gotten to share yet, and straight up refusing to let anything take the hope of that future away - even if it means unlocking their true, innate she-ra form (and beginning to understand that they are magic & it was never about the stupid sword) - or if it's wielding some strange, mysterious power w/o prob even knowing they are- like reaching through a metaphysical doorway into the mind of the love of your life and grasping as far and as desperately as you can for their hand, trying- and succeeding- to pull them back from the brink of death.
their story is literally so lovely. & individually, they are truly such honest, raw, complex and thought-provoking characters - presented in a way that offers viewers a fairly rare experience, even these days, of seeing a story written by people willing to honor the honesty everyone deserves to see and may kinda need to see - things aren't always shiny, happy, good times & people aren't perfect- quite literally, no one is- but that doesn't mean there's no point trying. that doesn't mean there's no hope of a happy ending - or that you don't deserve one. it's literally all just part of life, part of living that you'll find yourself faced w figuring out along the way- whether the answers are good or bad. and that's an insane idea to thread into a freaking cartoon dude - wuhhh tf
oh and ps- catradora are canon. (almost wanna end every rant w this reminder lolol) ~~ they cannot be stopped, this shit won't ever be undone lmao. & that makes me wanna say- "hell yes!" and for anyone who it makes wanna say "hell no" - all i got in response to that isssss "more catradora for us then - hell yes x2"
:) <3
